Adults wanting parents approval

I think as humans we all want those closest to us to love us--and I think loving includes approval. Who doesn't want their loved ones to be proud of them?

However, many parents can't seem to step back once their kids are adults and let them live their own lives without interference. In my personal experience, the parents that have the hardest time with this are those who are super religious. To them, there's a very narrow "correct" way to live, morally. And it's not ok to them if their family and friends act differently/believe differently. 

I've witnessed so much hurt and heartache suffered by those who don't "measure up". My saving grace was my dad. He encouraged me to be independent and stand up for myself and others. My mom didn't like dh. Too bad. She likes him now. My dad also told me that I should accept my mom as she is and love her. He understood more than anyone how frustrating she can be. 

I wish my mom wasn't so negative and pushy. I can't really say that I care whether she "approves" of me or not. Being sick has the silver lining of being the perfect excuse for not spending so much time with her that I go crazy. 

Dh and I went to lunch with her and her best friend on Thanksgiving--she's like the sister I never had, and she's also everything my mom wanted in a daughter. So I get whatever attention is left over--which is fine with me since she's no longer driving me nuts. 

After lunch, my mom and friend were going to a relative of the friend's for dessert. So mom insisted that we get to Cracker Barrel first thing when they open. 10:30am. No concern if dh feels ok. He doesn't. Mom told me that she didn't even know if he wanted to come since friend's husband wasn't.   She just assumed that I'd come without him--um, he's the one I want to spend Thanksgiving with.

We were 30 minutes late because dh didn't feel good, and then his pants were torn, and he had to change. Friend snuck off to the bathroom and called me to let me know to just take our time--Mom kept calling our house and cellphones at 10:35. I just ignore her. 

Dh wanted to talk to friend about some business issues he's having, and we had a great time. When we got home, we just watched movies in bed. 

For me, dh comes first. I try not to let my mom's craziness invade our peace. I also try to keep my mom from being negative to my brother's kids. He's going through a divorce and asked me to run interference when his kids visit. His son is spending Christmas break with my mom since my brother is working most of it. Dh and I won't be in town the whole time, but I'm going to do what I can. 

I've learned to do what is best for dh and me. I'm tired of other people trying to bully me and others to believe and live a certain way. So while I would like for those close to me to approve of me, I'm not going to change if they don't. (especially since they're bigots)

I think you also want to keep the peace, which is perfectly understandable. Just don't sacrifice your happiness to please other people.

I know exactly what you mean. I was raised in a large extended family where the approval of family was very important. I agree with M in Carolina that it often has to do with the parents' religious views. As an adult, my parents only approved of me/showed their love as long as I was involved in and raising my kids in the "right" church. We were Catholic. DH and I chose to have our youngest baptized in an Episcopal church we had been attending, and my parents didn't even attend. All the times I can remember Mom telling me how proud she was of me were when I had just done something Catholic-church-related.

My parents are gone now, and while I miss them in lots of ways, I don't miss that feeling of never being good enough because I couldn't believe exactly like they did.

I've taken some flack from a few family members over my political views in this election. One uncle commented, "What would your father say?" and an older cousin felt it necessary to let me know that she was, "Saddened I've fallen so far from my faith and family beliefs." Families try to make you seek their approval by making a point of withholding it when you step out of line - but I don't play that game any more. I would hope if my parents were still alive, that I would have the courage to sit them down and tell them as an adult that I would like for them to at least respect my choices.

Forgot to weigh in on the support vs. approval thing. I think families should lend emotional support to each other's legal, non-destructive adult decisions, and keep quiet if they don't necessarily approve. An adult who chooses a career or religion or lifestyle that the parents don't approve of - but who is not harming anyone or being self-destructive in those decisions - should not have to listen to his/her adult family members talk ad nauseum about how they disapprove of their choice or deal with family members' coldness or absence. To me, that is emotional blackmail and not now people who love each other should act.

HA! voltagain has coined the perfect term for those transitional snowflakes- whether she meant to or not!!!