freebird
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Post by freebird on Dec 6, 2016 15:51:54 GMT
I don't know if this is a pvm or maybe just a small vent or advice...
I don't have a ton of close friends, I choose people in my life very carefully. (long story). One of my friends I buy a christmas gift for every year. I'm really good at gift buying (pat self on back) and I try to buy things that someone will really love, adore and cherish hopefully for a lifetime. This friend I gave a custom painting to a couple years ago and she broke into tears. I nailed it.
Well, the thing is, she's not a very good gift giver back. Not that I have this expectation of people to find the PERFECT thing for me and spend tons of time and/or money. It's that, she'll forget to give me a birthday gift (June) until August or she'll tell me she bought me something amazing and then never give it to me. She even flat out lied to me once that really, really bothers me. She gave me my bday gift late and then said it was because she ordered it from the UK. It was stuffed with newspapers and I was excited to get it home and flatten out the newspapers to read. (probably as much as the gift! lol). Well, when I got home, the papers were from Philadelphia. Dated just a week or 2 before. I was so sad, I don't know why she fibbed to me like that. We've never had that kind of relationship where I'd even be upset if she didn't give me anything at all.
She has so many other redeeming qualities that I've spoken with my husband about it and choose to let that part of our friendship slide as the gifts really don't matter that much.
HOWEVER, she commented recently about how great I was at giving gifts and I nailed it every time. Then went on to talk about what I wanted for Christmas. (I ended up just sending her my amazon list like I do everyone else so she can be off the hook.) This christmas though, I haven't really put a lot of effort into her presents. A blanket, some boot cuffs and a print. I gave our 3rd gf exactly the same thing.
I'm feeling a bit guilty because I know she's expecting something really great, but I can't seem to muster the effort.
PVM?
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Post by jennyap on Dec 6, 2016 15:58:19 GMT
You got it. I know gift giving should be about the giving, end of, but I find it hard to put in a huge amount of effort for anyone who doesn't even seem to try.
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ginacivey
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Post by ginacivey on Dec 6, 2016 16:01:11 GMT
i am afraid your effort might still surpass hers
you don't have to live up to HER expectation - you give what you are comfortable giving
i've never had a gf be that generous with me -
if your friend is disappointed - i'm volunteering (hahaha-hohoho)
seriously - if she looks or acts disappointed be straight with her
explain that it hurts your feeling
gina
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 6, 2016 16:07:48 GMT
I validate your feelings. She is probably just, as you said, bad at gift giving.
My DH is awesome and wonderful, but a TERRIBLE gift giver. Even if I gave him my Amazon list with links, he'd probably mess it up.
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DEX
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Post by DEX on Dec 6, 2016 16:08:10 GMT
I agree with Gina. Frankly, I doubt she will even notice. Everyone has an off year.  |
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Deleted
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Jun 10, 2024 19:11:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2016 16:18:46 GMT
Since giving is one of your talents, it may be your love language,too. Don't feel guilty, but check your heart and see if you need to forgive her so this doesn't negatively effect your friendship
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Post by myshelly on Dec 6, 2016 16:33:14 GMT
Just for another perspective -
I love my friends. I love my family.
But I am really, really bad at gift giving. I know I am. So when a gifting situation comes up I feel an indescribable amount of anxiety, resentment, stress, awkwardness, and anger. Those feelings can lead me to do some pretty crazy things in a gifting situation like blurt out "oh, I got you something really awesome, too". I would rather not give gifts to any adult ever. I'd rather not get gifts from any adult ever because then that creates an obligation that I hate to give gifts back.
Let your friend off the hook.
Gifting isn't her forte and it's not her love language. Stop buying her gifts so she can stop buying you gifts.
If you are someone who is good at gifting, I seriously don't think there are any words that will make you understand the fist of aching anxiety in my stomach, the headache of tears right behind my eyes, or the resentment of spending money on other adults that gifting builds in me every time I have to think about it.
It's not that I don't care about other people, it's just like gifts are a language I don't understand. It's like trying to speak Russian when I know I can't.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Dec 6, 2016 16:44:24 GMT
You are validated, and you can stop feeling guilty. Give her what you've already bought and be done. Either she'll love it, think you are having a off year, or finally "get" it. Not everyone is good at gift giving. I'm married to one, but I know that about him. I'm glad you can see past that part of your friendship, although the lying part would bother me as well.
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Post by scrapcat on Dec 6, 2016 16:46:52 GMT
I understand your position totally.
I also feel like I'm very thoughtful with gift giving. I listen to people and search well in advance for things, I try to remember things during the year that they wanted. Everyone always says I give the perfect gifts.
I've also discovered that people don't tend to get me gifts that fit me, even when I sometimes ask explicitly. I honestly love the giving more and don't sweat it (I buy myself what I want) and go on my way.
I definitely have moments where I'm like "that's it, I'm not doing it anymore!" But then I just do it anyways bcz I get enjoyment out of the hunt for the gift & knowing I made their day.
I think you are totally fine with what you have this time, every gift, every year does not have to live up to someone else's expectation. That's her issue to deal with. I think it's admirable you give gifts to friends like that.
Have you thought about trying to suggest having an experience together instead of gifts? Maybe a nice brunch or something more unusual you don't always do together?
Not to get all deep, but sometimes I think about what people will say about me when I'm gone and I think I would like to be remembered for giving, whether presents, food, time, an ear, etc. so that sort of keeps me just doing it, even when I think I have nothing left to give.
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Post by mnmloveli on Dec 6, 2016 17:15:54 GMT
I've been told by many that I'm an awesome gift giver. It's a great compliment, but I'm sure I must have given some gifts that weren't as exciting as some others. I'm sure they were appreciated anyway. I happen to love shopping all year and keeping my eyes peeled for everyone on my list. This way when Christmas or birthdays come around, I'm not stressed. Am I treated or "gifted to" in the same way, NO. BUT I ALWAYS REMEMBER i have the love of gifting - not everyone does. I'm sure your friend will always think your gifts are great. Like others have said, I hope I'm remembered for always trying to give that special gift.
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conchita
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Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Dec 6, 2016 17:24:31 GMT
From one giver to another, what stands out the most to me in your post is your friend's behavior. For me, gift or not, what is essential is how I am treated in the relationship overall. If we have a great friendship built on honesty then I am going to want to give. If that trust is betrayed, gifting is the furthest thing from my heart. So the behavior she has shown in response to you really bothers me. I would have a heart to heart conversation with her about it. I have done this with my best friend because I wanted her to understand that I am not a scorekeeper, do not expect a gift in return and absolutely do not want her to feel the way myshelly described. 🙁 The best gift I could ever get in return is seeing my friend enjoy what I gave and then we continue having a great friendship. Friendship without pretense, lying and unrealistic expectations of one another. If my friend tells me my gifts make her feel indebted then we will have to find a different avenue of celebrating one another. But the gift giving and her unrealistic expectations she has for herself needs to be addressed or your friendship is going to continue to suffer and resentment will settle in both your hearts. Just an upfront, realistic conversation about what you both need from one another seriously needs to happen. |
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Post by peano on Dec 6, 2016 17:30:42 GMT
Random thoughts:
I think some people have a gift for gift-giving--it's one of their strengths. Just because my friend can sing opera, doesn't mean I can.
I give gifts to friends because it's expressing my love and gratitude for their friendship and for enriching my life. I don't expect anything in return. Their friendship is my gift from them.
I'm not sure I'm understanding the part about the present from the U.K. Couldn't she have had the present shipped to her and then she repackaged it in Philadelphia newspaper--or ordered a thing made in the U.K. from an Etsy seller in the US? I mean, do you absolutely know she was lying?
I try pretty hard to be a good gifter. I listen to what people tell me they like throughout the year and make a mental note, etc. Some years I find the "perfect" thing. Some years I don't. I try not to beat myself up about it. It's life.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 6, 2016 17:38:17 GMT
I feel like I am easy to buy for. I like specific things but those things are readily obtained. I have a friend who misses the mark by a mile so much that I usually unwrap her gift and during paper cleanup I put it in the donate box. and this friend knows me very well. She knows what I like.
Your gifts sound amazing and I think your friend needs some help in this department. What I might try is to set a date that you will actually get together to exchange gifts. I would say, "Look, if you haven't gotten me anything here's some stuff I'm really hoping for this year." Then if your European gift hasn't arrived she can go get you something else. I think she needs help and guidance.
I see no problem at all in exchanging lists of ideas with each other. Takes the pressure off her.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 6, 2016 17:59:42 GMT
i said this same thing in another thread but i think if you are giving with the expectation of reciprocation maybe you need to rethink why you are giving.
I know nobody wants to feel they are being taken advantage of, but unless your friend is soliciting the gift it's your choice to give. If it's not working for you, stop.
She's obviously not a great gift giver. She'll probably be relieved that she's not on the hook this year.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Dec 6, 2016 19:35:41 GMT
Earth to freebird ...a blanket, some boot cuffs and a print is thoughtful by most standards. I validate you and suggest that maybe your standards are stratospheric  SaveSave |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Dec 6, 2016 19:39:05 GMT
Random thoughts: I think some people have a gift for gift-giving--it's one of their strengths. Just because my friend can sing opera, doesn't mean I can. I give gifts to friends because it's expressing my love and gratitude for their friendship and for enriching my life. I don't expect anything in return. Their friendship is my gift from them. I'm not sure I'm understanding the part about the present from the U.K. Couldn't she have had the present shipped to her and then she repackaged it in Philadelphia newspaper--or ordered a thing made in the U.K. from an Etsy seller in the US? I mean, do you absolutely know she was lying?
I try pretty hard to be a good gifter. I listen to what people tell me they like throughout the year and make a mental note, etc. Some years I find the "perfect" thing. Some years I don't. I try not to beat myself up about it. It's life. She gave me the gift in the original shipping box - it was not gift wrapped from her. We are not near PA. The fact it wasn't wrapped is no big deal to me. Like I said before, I don't expect super spectacular gifts from every person every time. My husband does a pretty good job. My favorite part of the season is giving and that's what I focus on. However, the fact that she *lied* about the gift is what was off-putting to me. She lied to cover up the fact that she slacked on my gift.... that's why I feel less excited about it this year honestly. It's not the thing, it's the intention behind the thing. As myshelly pointed out, maybe she sucks at it and feels too much pressure. I totally understand that but I don't want her to feel pressured to the point of lying. I'm more upset by the fibs than any crappy gift ever (and the stuff she gives me *IS* very well thought out and nice - it's just really late or an afterthought). |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Dec 6, 2016 19:41:47 GMT
Earth to freebird ...a blanket, some boot cuffs and a print is thoughtful by most standards. I validate you and suggest that maybe your standards are stratospheric Maybe so, but I think compared to gifts in the past, will it be a let down? |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Dec 6, 2016 19:43:29 GMT
i said this same thing in another thread but i think if you are giving with the expectation of reciprocation maybe you need to rethink why you are giving. I know nobody wants to feel they are being taken advantage of, but unless your friend is soliciting the gift it's your choice to give. If it's not working for you, stop. She's obviously not a great gift giver. She'll probably be relieved that she's not on the hook this year. I think you missed my original point. She can literally give me whatever she wants and that's ok with me. I don't have high expectations of people. It's not that, it's the lying about the timing, or where it came from or saying "I have a thing for you" and then it just never comes. It has happened multiple times. THAT is what I find disappointing and what has taken the fire out of me in respect to her gift. |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Dec 6, 2016 19:47:01 GMT
Here's another thought. I've noticed in families it's either perfectly acceptable to give gifts late or in other families if you can't give it on the day (or before) then don't even bother. It's just what they've grown up with, become accustomed to. I bet she's from a family that it doesn't matter if the gift is late just as long as it's given at some point. I have no idea how your family is but it might be helpful to keep in mind that she's just fine with giving/receiving gifts after the special date and she knows that's not what you're used to so she feels pressured enough to lie about it. Just another POV for you.  |
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Post by mom on Dec 6, 2016 19:49:10 GMT
My guess is she has anxiety about being able to reciprocate the great gifts you've given.
If she is normally an honest person, and lying is not her character, then I would assume her sucky-ness at gift giving is the root of it. It sounds like she may have some shame over her actions.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 6, 2016 19:53:21 GMT
I validate your feelings. She is probably just, as you said, bad at gift giving. My DH is awesome and wonderful, but a TERRIBLE gift giver. Even if I gave him my Amazon list with links, he'd probably mess it up.  All of it. My DH is a wonderful man, loving husband and father, but awful when it comes to choosing a gift either DD or I will love. He just doesn't get it, and that's okay. We can't all be awesome at everything, LOL. |
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 6, 2016 19:54:02 GMT
I could have typed most of what myshelly did, but even with dread over giving gifts, I don't think I'd ever lie to a friend as a cover. That's weird. My mind immediately tried to think of ways her story about the gift from the UK might be true - there might really be another explanation other than she lied. I hope so anyway, because that would be really crappy and not at all necessary. I'll validate you there. But I would try to give her a pass on not finding more fitting gifts for you (only because I hope the same thing from my people - even though I really do try and put more thought into it than it seems (like a LOT of thought, to the point of paralysis )). ETA for the last part above - I missed that you'd be happy with whatever she got you. I concentrated on the part where you said she wasn't a good gift giver back. |
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Post by mom on Dec 6, 2016 20:03:06 GMT
After thinking about this - can you call a truce? No one gets anyone a gift? It takes the pressure off of her and it helps you not get your hopes up that she will follow through?
I am of the opinion I would rather have my friend not have stress over it than get a gift. And it sounds as if you are the same way.
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Post by hollymolly on Dec 6, 2016 20:13:53 GMT
As myshelly pointed out, maybe she sucks at it and feels too much pressure. I totally understand that but I don't want her to feel pressured to the point of lying. I'm more upset by the fibs than any crappy gift ever (and the stuff she gives me *IS* very well thought out and nice - it's just really late or an afterthought). You don't want her to feel pressured to the point of lying, but she obviously does feel that way. I also agree with mom that she is probably ashamed. I feel exactly like myshelly. I used to love giving gifts, but it is now a cause of extreme guilt and anxiety. My bff is a pretty good gift giver, but the best gift she ever gave me was to stop giving me gifts. I have depression on top of the anxiety, and sometimes it's all I can do to keep my head above water. If I get a break long enough to buy gifts, then it will inevitably be after it was due. I have a huge family, we have gift occasions more than once a month, usually 2 or 3 times in a month. I can barely handle that, I can't do friend presents too. I just can't. Getting presents, especially thoughtful presents, makes me feel terrible, even while I feel honored that my friend knows me and cares so much. I'm also guilty of telling someone I have something for them but never giving it. I bought it, I planned to give it, but I forgot every single time I had an opportunity to deliver it. By the time the next gift occasion rolled around I was too embarrassed to deal with it. I forget things, big things, important things. I seriously question why my friends like me, but apparently their are other redeeming qualities that make me worth it. |
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Dec 6, 2016 20:27:05 GMT
Random thoughts: I think some people have a gift for gift-giving--it's one of their strengths. Just because my friend can sing opera, doesn't mean I can. I give gifts to friends because it's expressing my love and gratitude for their friendship and for enriching my life. I don't expect anything in return. Their friendship is my gift from them. I'm not sure I'm understanding the part about the present from the U.K. Couldn't she have had the present shipped to her and then she repackaged it in Philadelphia newspaper--or ordered a thing made in the U.K. from an Etsy seller in the US? I mean, do you absolutely know she was lying?
I try pretty hard to be a good gifter. I listen to what people tell me they like throughout the year and make a mental note, etc. Some years I find the "perfect" thing. Some years I don't. I try not to beat myself up about it. It's life. She gave me the gift in the original shipping box - it was not gift wrapped from her. We are not near PA. The fact it wasn't wrapped is no big deal to me. Like I said before, I don't expect super spectacular gifts from every person every time. My husband does a pretty good job. My favorite part of the season is giving and that's what I focus on. However, the fact that she *lied* about the gift is what was off-putting to me. She lied to cover up the fact that she slacked on my gift.... that's why I feel less excited about it this year honestly. It's not the thing, it's the intention behind the thing. As myshelly pointed out, maybe she sucks at it and feels too much pressure. I totally understand that but I don't want her to feel pressured to the point of lying. I'm more upset by the fibs than any crappy gift ever (and the stuff she gives me *IS* very well thought out and nice - it's just really late or an afterthought). This is what stood out to me too - the fibbing about it. And maybe it is because she feels a lot of pressure, but doesn't know how to express it. When I first started at my workplace 15 years ago the women in the group exchanged small gifts (not a lot of women - maybe six of us). But each year it became more of a chore and I felt like we all ended up exchanging generic gifts. After a few years I finally said - hey, love you guys, but how about instead of gifts we all just go out for a nice dinner and spend an evening together. Everybody went for that and I was relieved to get out of that gift cycle, lol. |
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pudgygroundhog
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Dec 6, 2016 20:31:02 GMT
After thinking about this - can you call a truce? No one gets anyone a gift? It takes the pressure off of her and it helps you not get your hopes up that she will follow through? I am of the opinion I would rather have my friend not have stress over it than get a gift. And it sounds as if you are the same way. I was thinking this too. I think you could either drop the gifts or present something as an alternative - dinner together, go together to pick a kid off a tree and buy a gift for the kid, do a volunteer activity, or some other Christmas activity. |
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PaperAngel
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Post by PaperAngel on Dec 6, 2016 22:19:55 GMT
I understand your perspective. This friend's apparent insincerity & dishonesty about gifts for you, while praising gifts from you, has dampered your future giving. Please do not apologize for your feelings or take any blame for her choice to lie about gifts.
I have no doubt your friends, including this one, will appreciate your generosity this year. My advice is to continue giving from your heart, whether a gift to her or with her to a less fortunate child/family. Happy Holidays!
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Dec 6, 2016 22:46:50 GMT
I will validate you. Totally.
The gift giving situation with my dh is something that burns and hurts me every year. (And for the record, before someone brings it up, lowering my expectations to zero hasn't made me happier.) I wish we could just do away with gift giving for Christmas (I insisted on no gifts for my birthday this year), but he insists on maintaining it because he says he knows that gifts are my love language and he doesn't want there to be nothing under the tree. He somehow cannot or will not understand that it's not having a thing wrapped up, but the thought and effort involved in the gift. So in reality, the fact that he will only buy gifts from the Amazon list I create and I then get emails telling me what he bought, emails telling me that it's shipped, and this week, an email telling me that it has to be picked up at the PO -- and guess who is doing that? Really? Really? Any wonder I don't want to do this shit any more?
I used to put a lot of thought and effort into his gifts. No more. I get him only what he puts on my Amazon list (because it's too much trouble to create his own account), wrap it up, and throw it under the tree. This year he only put one thing on the list, so that's all he's getting. I told him that and he was shocked -- I pointed out that he refuses to go out and buy me anything in a store because "it's too much trouble" (his words), so why should I? It doesn't make me feel any better about the lack of thought and effort he puts into it, but at least I'm not wasting my time.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 6, 2016 23:52:40 GMT
Can I also just say -
When I'm reading these threads I hear from the good gifters so much emotion -
That you attach ideas like thoughtfulness and love to the material gifts you give.
It's hard for us non gifters to understand that.
When I look at a thing I can't see thoughtfulness, love, effort, time, friendship, etc. It's a huge disconnect for me. I'm never going to attach any of those emotions or ideas to a gift. So hearing that you want to feel those things when you get a gift from me puts pressure on me that I can't bear because I literally cannot conceptualize how those things can be embodied in a gift. So my response tends to be fuck it, why even try.
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Post by kelly316 on Dec 6, 2016 23:59:37 GMT
I think you are still overshooting the mark with this year's gifts! This proves that you are thoughtful without trying!
On a related note, I have a family member that returns anything I get no matter how perfect I thought it was. This year I may just hand over cash. This alleviates the stress of thinking of the perfect gift, buying it, holding onto the receipt, and listening to how long it took her to stand in line to return the time and how rude the cashier was, so she just asked for cash back instead of exchanging.
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All of it. My DH is a wonderful man, loving husband and father, but awful when it comes to choosing a gift either DD or I will love. He just doesn't get it, and that's okay. We can't all be awesome at everything, LOL. 
