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Post by craftedbys on Dec 23, 2016 14:28:51 GMT
when you know this will probably be the last Christmas a loved one will be with you. In my case, quite possibly two.
Without going into a ton of detail/backstory, bottom line is my mom is 87 years old and has dementia. My dad is 89 and had a mild stroke a year and a half ago. Up until then he was the strongest person I knew, but he seems to have aged so much this year. I thought last Christmas would be her last and I spent the entire holiday reminding myself not to be sad and to cherish the memories, but it was incredibly difficult with the thought that it would be her last hanging in the back of my mind.
I know I am incredibly blessed to have another holiday season with my parents. I know. But I also know that the chances they will be here next year is slim to none.
My sister passed away the week after Christmas 2010. That is the last one we had with her, but we didn't know it would be our last together. Had I known maybe I would have taken more pictures, or maybe spent a little more time with her. I don't know. Is it worse to know that it is the last holiday that your loved ones will be with you, or to have to face a Christmas without having a "last" with a loved one?
I think despite all of his own health issues my dad is hanging on because he doesn't want to leave my mom. They have been married 67 years. I have known several couples like them where when one spouse dies the other dies within a few months. As painful as it is to think about, I know that is going to be my reality, most likely in the coming year.
I am sorry to be such a downer, I usually love this time of year, but I am just having trouble getting excited about what will most likely be the last Christmas with my folks. It is hard to focus on the joy of the season with this dark thought hovering in the back of my mind. However, I know that many peas have had to deal with this so maybe someone will know what I am going through.
Thanks for letting me get this out so I am not a weepy mess when I am over there today.
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Post by redshoes on Dec 23, 2016 14:38:22 GMT
So sorry...it's ok to be sad knowing what is likely to come sooner than you'd like. My aunt and uncle both passed this year and they had been married just shy of 65 yrs. I hope you can find peace and joy this holiday season with your loved ones. Hugs to you!
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Deleted
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May 10, 2024 1:05:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2016 14:41:51 GMT
Thanks for letting me get this out so I am not a weepy mess when I am over there today. Be a weepy mess before you go by all means but once you get there do whatever it takes to wring every bit of joy out of the occasion. No one can predict the future. Save |
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by lindas on Dec 23, 2016 14:45:10 GMT
I know exactly what you're feeling because I was there Christmas before last. I was adamant that the whole family be together that year, I just had this nagging thought that it would be my mom's last and it was. My dad is still with me but he's almost 89 so its only a matter of time.
Cherish every moment, take tons of pictures and remember all the good times. Make it the best Christmas you can for you and your parents. It's the one you'll remember the most.
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Post by pierogi on Dec 23, 2016 14:51:53 GMT
when you know this will probably be the last Christmas a loved one will be with you. In my case, quite possibly two. Without going into a ton of detail/backstory, bottom line is my mom is 87 years old and has dementia. My dad is 89 and had a mild stroke a year and a half ago. Up until then he was the strongest person I knew, but he seems to have aged so much this year. I thought last Christmas would be her last and I spent the entire holiday reminding myself not to be sad and to cherish the memories, but it was incredibly difficult with the thought that it would be her last hanging in the back of my mind. I know I am incredibly blessed to have another holiday season with my parents. I know. But I also know that the chances they will be here next year is slim to none. My sister passed away the week after Christmas 2010. That is the last one we had with her, but we didn't know it would be our last together. Had I known maybe I would have taken more pictures, or maybe spent a little more time with her. I don't know. Is it worse to know that it is the last holiday that your loved ones will be with you, or to have to face a Christmas without having a "last" with a loved one? I think despite all of his own health issues my dad is hanging on because he doesn't want to leave my mom. They have been married 67 years. I have known several couples like them where when one spouse dies the other dies within a few months. As painful as it is to think about, I know that is going to be my reality, most likely in the coming year. I am sorry to be such a downer, I usually love this time of year, but I am just having trouble getting excited about what will most likely be the last Christmas with my folks. It is hard to focus on the joy of the season with this dark thought hovering in the back of my mind. However, I know that many peas have had to deal with this so maybe someone will know what I am going through. Thanks for letting me get this out so I am not a weepy mess when I am over there today. Hugs to you. I went through a similar situation with my father, and it can feel like every day is just a long series of goodbyes. It's so painful sometimes that it's all you can do to keep moving forward. Celebrate this Christmas on your terms. If it's impossible to be "jolly" all the time, so be it. Just let yourself be with them and share your love for him, and their love for each other. No matter how the future unwinds, nothing will ever take that from you. |
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
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Post by CeeScraps on Dec 23, 2016 15:19:43 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling. Take a lot of pictures, and maybe some video too.
I have a very good friend who a week ago I would of felt the same way. Now, I think she's going to be ok.
One of my set of grandparents died very close together. My grandmother passed at Thanksgiving, then her husband, my grandfather passed right before Christmas. It was a blessing. She had breast cancer and 40 years ago she just couldn't survive it. My grandfather wasn't sick at all. He felt icky, drove himself to the hospital and died of an aneurysm. It was a shock to all of us. We quickly realized it was a good thing. He was devastated when grandma died.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 23, 2016 15:27:17 GMT
I am so sorry. I think about this frequently, especially as my mom turns 82 I don't know which holiday will be the last. Heck I don't know if this will be my last one!
The best you can do is find joy in being together, in celebrating with comforting traditions and taking photos and collecting memories.
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Post by Karene on Dec 23, 2016 15:42:34 GMT
It is hard. My FIL is 92 and going downhill so we know it won't be much longer and my MIL is 88. Last year, he had a spell and they weren't able to come over to my BIL house for the family get together. We stopped by and visited them at their house first. It was the first time they did not have Christmas with their whole family. We are hoping FIL is up to it tomorrow (they celebrate on Christmas Eve.)
The year my father entered the nursing home with Alzheimer's, it was November and we had everyone home for Boxing Day and he was home for the day. I brought my camera equipment and borrowed some lights and a backdrop from work. I took tons of photos, thinking it was the last time my Dad might know who we all were. I took the full family group, grandparents with grandchildren, each of my siblings with their family, and all the cousins. (I also did the same on my husband's side). I am so glad I did this because that April my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour and died in July. Now I have a ton of photos from that Christmas. My dad is still in the nursing home 7 years later, but he doesn't know anyone and doesn't not speak anymore.
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Post by mom on Dec 23, 2016 15:46:08 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling. Take a lot of pictures, and maybe some video too.
I have a very good friend who a week ago I would of felt the same way. Now, I think she's going to be ok. One of my set of grandparents died very close together. My grandmother passed at Thanksgiving, then her husband, my grandfather passed right before Christmas. It was a blessing. She had breast cancer and 40 years ago she just couldn't survive it. My grandfather wasn't sick at all. He felt icky, drove himself to the hospital and died of an aneurysm. It was a shock to all of us. We quickly realized it was a good thing. He was devastated when grandma died. I am so sorry you are hurting. I agree with the suggestion of taking some video. The last Thanksgiving my mom was alive we videoed her just talking and I watch that video on the holidays when I miss her the most. Its almost like she is here. You wont regret it. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 23, 2016 15:54:14 GMT
I'm sorry you are going through this. We have a friend who was told by doctors that she has a limited time left. It is very hard to wrap your head around and try to be upbeat especially when you know time is short. I think most people struggle when faced with stuff like this. ((HUGS))
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2016 15:59:11 GMT
Oh, how sad! I knew last Christmas would be my brother's last, so I went all out. I drcorated everything that would stand still long enough, bought way too much candy and sweets, cooked anything he requested, and generally just made the happy memories that are now getting me through this year without him.
Hugs and do try to live in the moment.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 23, 2016 15:59:33 GMT
I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers for you. I don't have any experience with this but I lost my brother very suddenly a few years ago. It was difficult because I think of all the things I left unsaid. I wish I knew it was going to be his last Christmas because I would have made extra efforts to make the holiday special. You have a chance to make these memories...Try not to be sad...Try to have the best Christmas you can...
My brother's passing really hit home for me that every Christmas has the potential to be someone's last.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2016 16:06:25 GMT
From my experience, both are hard. I don't really remember much about the last Christmas with my dad. We did not do presents or even a special dinner. He had end stage Alzheimers and was agitated and running away. This Christmas is the first without my mom. She died in October. I will be alone, just me and my parakeet. It is hard, too, in a different way. Last Christmas she had only been home from the hospital for a month and was so ill that I was too exhausted to do anything special for Christmas. I have no memory of what I gave her for Christmas. The tablet I'm posting from was my gift from her. That is my only memory of our last Christmas. I miss her so much. I'm just not much into Christmas this year. It hurts too bad.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Dec 23, 2016 16:21:42 GMT
Try and live in the moment. Easier said than done I know. My mother is 88 and is in a memory care home with dementia. I am moving in March to be closer to her so hopefully we'll be able to have a Christmas together next year, but if not I'm going to cherish the time I do have.
And take lots of photos. My sister and I drove to Arizona to see our older sister in January of last year. For some reason we didn't take a pic of the three of us together. As we were backing out of the driveway to leave, my sister said "we forgot to get a picture". We paused and then both said "we'll do it next time". Our sister died of a massive stroke in May that year. There wasn't a next time. Moral of the story, pull back into the driveway.
Live in the moment. Take the picture.
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Post by **Angie** on Dec 23, 2016 16:32:13 GMT
((Hugs))
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Post by not2peased on Dec 23, 2016 16:46:02 GMT
I don't have any specific advice, but didn't want to read and run. I hope you can find some good advice here-you are dealing with a lot!
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Post by anonrefugee on Dec 23, 2016 16:49:59 GMT
Hugs.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 23, 2016 16:52:21 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this.😢 Just BE with them. Don't worry about making it a perfect Christmas.
I don't have answers. But I want to thank you for your post. Because thinking about this question of whether or not you would want to know helped me in a very big way. It's been bothering me that in spite of what the doctors told me about Fred's time left, I didn't treasure our time together. I complained and rolled my eyes and gave him a hard time for giving me a hard time. It wasn't until close to the end that I started SEEING, and even then the end came much sooner than I expected. Although not necessarily sooner than I was told.
Anyway, pondering this thread, I realized that it was because I was taking my cues from Fred. The song says "live like you were dying" but Fred was dying like he was going to live. I'm still chewing on all of this but it's definitely a very good WOW moment for me. So thank you.
And again I am so sorry that you and your parents need to walk through this painful place.
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Post by destined2bmom on Dec 23, 2016 17:04:32 GMT
Huge hugs honey! I lost my sister Thanksgiving weekend 2009 and my mom this past June. I didn't realize my sister wouldn't make it to Christmas until October 2009. I didn't realize my mom wouldn't be here until last March. All you can do, is to love them while they are here. It's okay to be weepy, it just means you are human. It's okay to be sad about what has been and what is coming. And it's okay to celebrate now and later.
During the holidays this year, when I have become sad; in my mind, I can hear my mom's voice, telling me that it is okay to enjoy my holidays. That she and my sister and the rest of our relatives love me and want me to be happy. I pray every day and know that one day I will see them again. When I was young, she use to tell me that when people pass, you need to go on; that everyone passes; but that God gives you life to enjoy, learn and to help others. She told me it was okay to be sad from time to time, but it wasn't fair to your family or the world to stay that way.
I know you love your parents and they love you. I pray that knowledge helps you in some small way.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 23, 2016 17:05:58 GMT
Huge hugs honey! I lost my sister Thanksgiving weekend 2009 and my mom this past June. I didn't realize my sister wouldn't make it to Christmas until October 2009. I didn't realize my mom wouldn't be here until last March. All you can do, is to love them while they are here. It's okay to be weepy, it just means you are human. It's okay to be sad about what has been and what is coming. And it's okay to celebrate now and later. During the holidays this year, when I have become sad; in my mind, I can hear my mom's voice, telling me that it is okay to enjoy my holidays. That she and my sister and the rest of our relatives love me and want me to be happy. I pray every day and know that one day I will see them again. When I was young, she use to tell me that when people pass, you need to go on; that everyone passes; but that God gives you life to enjoy, learn and to help others. She told me it was okay to be sad from time to time, but it wasn't fair to your family or the world to stay that way. I know you love your parents and they love you. I pray that knowledge helps you in some small way. This is beautiful. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 23, 2016 17:15:48 GMT
My mama is 91 and although still basically healthy, I think about this. In fact, for Thanksgiving we made plans to go to my cousin's because it made my mama happy. I even said to my husband, "I've started thinking each holiday *could* be her last -- not in a morbid way, but in a realistic way."
Enjoy your time with your parents. Don't dwell on what might be to the point where you can't enjoy what's happening now.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Dec 23, 2016 18:09:05 GMT
This has to be a tough Christmas for you. Do the best you can and hang in there. Feel free to come here for support and venting.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 23, 2016 18:15:08 GMT
not for me but my friend. all she wanted was not to lose anyone this year. she has a few losses last year and couldn't take another one. her dad got really sick last week but he's hanging on. she said it's really hard to get into the spirit knowing what lays not too far ahead. I'm sad for her.
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Post by terri on Dec 23, 2016 19:01:18 GMT
I think your feelings are totally understandable. Watching your parents age is hard and then having reason to think this could be your last Christmas with them naturally dampens your mood. I like the suggestions of making videos and taking pictures. I would also suggest having a little private time with them so you can express to them how much you love them and what they have meant to you.
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Post by craftedbys on Dec 23, 2016 23:38:08 GMT
Thank you all for the understanding and positive thoughts. I am just so exhausted being their primary caregiver while still trying to take care of my own family (thankfully my kids are teenagers so they do help out and understand why I spend so much time at my parent's house).
Christmas is going to be very low key: tomorrow we are taking our traditional Christmas Eve dinner to their house after Mass instead of hosting them at ours.
I am very sad that my Dad will not be able to go to Mass with us because he doesn't want to leave my mom unattended. I have tried to think of someone who would be willing to sit with her for an hour, but it being Christmas Eve, I don't know of anyone who probably isn't doing something with their own family. So it's either Mass without my Dad or without DH or one of the kids.
On Christmas Day we will be going to their house for the first time in over 10 years. They have always come to us so the kids could stay home and play with their toys.
I am going to try to impress upon DH and the kids to help me get lots of pictures over the next few days. I am usually so busy taking care of everyone or cooking or cleaning the kitchen, I forget to stop and take pictures.
Again, thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me get it out and not keep all these feelings inside.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 24, 2016 4:04:28 GMT
Crud. Spoke too soon. DH just found out his aunt is in ICU. She is just the sweetest lady. She just lost her husband a few months ago. I think she's kind of given up.
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Post by k8smom on Dec 24, 2016 4:47:13 GMT
I know how hard it is to not let our fears get in the way of enjoying life while we're living it, but if ever that advice was more applicable, it is now for you. Enjoy every speck of time you have with your parents. Soak it up, all of it. None of us have any guarantee that we will be here tomorrow, young or old, so make the best effort you can to push your fears aside and just BE.
There are so many things that now both of my parents are gone I wish I would have done, most importantly listening to and documenting their stories of the old days, looking closely at them and their faces and seeing them as people and not just parents, memorizing the sounds of their voice, their laugh, their hugs. This very well may be your last Christmas with your parents but it is an amazing gift. This is what I would do if I were you an I had one more Christmas with my parents: I would tell them how important they have been in your life, how wonderful it was knowing that they would always be your safety net and warm place to land, how much Christmases past have meant to you. Ask them what their happiest memories were and write them down. Take pictures, ask questions, giggle. Hold their hand. Be kind. Just be.
Wishing you the best Christmas ever.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 24, 2016 13:45:10 GMT
I'm sorry. I hope you have a peaceful, joyous day with your family.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 24, 2016 14:24:57 GMT
I know how hard it is to not let our fears get in the way of enjoying life while we're living it, but if ever that advice was more applicable, it is now for you. Enjoy every speck of time you have with your parents. Soak it up, all of it. None of us have any guarantee that we will be here tomorrow, young or old, so make the best effort you can to push your fears aside and just BE. There are so many things that now both of my parents are gone I wish I would have done, most importantly listening to and documenting their stories of the old days, looking closely at them and their faces and seeing them as people and not just parents, memorizing the sounds of their voice, their laugh, their hugs. This very well may be your last Christmas with your parents but it is an amazing gift. This is what I would do if I were you an I had one more Christmas with my parents: I would tell them how important they have been in your life, how wonderful it was knowing that they would always be your safety net and warm place to land, how much Christmases past have meant to you. Ask them what their happiest memories were and write them down. Take pictures, ask questions, giggle. Hold their hand. Be kind. Just be. Wishing you the best Christmas ever. Beautiful. And this reminds me of something I read recently: Don't miss out on today because of tomorrow. |
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