Give me some advice because I'm so frustrated

I am sorry - I don't really have advise but just remember, you cannot make someone a good father - he has to do that himself. You reached out to him, he didn't accept. He knows how to get in touch with you and his kids. I would leave it there - if he wants to see his kids, he will make it a point.

I'm sorry your kids have to deal with it and get hurt in the end. Just tell them that he loves them the best way he can.

Honestly I think he is manipulating you because he still has the power to... he can get ahold of his children if he wants to without going thru you... he makes ur daughter cry n that is sad but you will never be able to change that...

stop giving him the power over you... he can call n txt her... and when he calls you instead.. tell him nope call ur daughter... you really don't have to put up with it...

Not sure how old your kids are, but your ex sounds a lot like mine. Best thing I ever did was back off and let my son deal with him on his own. Of course DS was in his 20's - a full grown adult at the time.

Son is 41 now and has been pouring his heart out to me a lot lately about his dad, and I am always there to listen. Fortunately for me, though, I have not had to speak to his dad for years.

It really was best in our case for me to get out of the middle of their relationship. It is not easy, though, and sometimes I feel like I will go to my grave being sorry for who my son's dad is. I made that choice all those years ago. DS didn't. DS is an only child, btw.

Good luck!

It is unfortunate that your xh calls you and not directly to your children.  I am trying to guess that your kids are teenagers.  This is tough.

I am also divorced, but my ds was already married when this happened, so he talks to his dad on his own time & without my knowledge.  I rarely talk to my xh; there were two situations this year when he talked to me.  

Due to life circumstances, I do not have anything to do with his family. 

I can understand that he wouldn't want to be in the company of your family, especially your parents.  I would be so intimidated if I were to be invited to my x's side of the family, that I would think of any excuse not to attend.  Is it at all possible for your xh to be with his children without your parents being involved? Maybe an afternoon?  A dinner with the former inlaws would really scare the sh!t out of me.

I am learning that divorce truly does mean to be completely cut-off with my former inlaws and their families.  This doesn't mean that I don't stop caring about them, but it does mean that I am not involved in their every day lives.  I suppose that it is *easier* for me to implement this as it is just me, no children involved.   Please note that this isn't easy at all, actually, very difficult for me emotionally.  

( ( ( hugs ) ) )  Life is really hard sometimes.

Lexica your mom was so wise.

"She said that the problem was with him. It didn't mean he didn't love me, it was just that he didn't love himself enough to stop drinking, and that drinking made him into a different man than he was without alcohol."

I'm so glad for you that things turned around for your dad and as a result, for your whole family.


jeremysgirl I'm so sorry. It stinks. You've received great input here.

My sons father is a drug addict. He did things very similar to your ex-h. He contacted me more often than my son and used me as a mediator rather than contacting my son himself. He often stood him up and put me in ridiculous situations because I felt bad for him and wanted to help him to be a good father, heck a good person. I finally had to help my son and I by just letting him go. I was also afraid he'd go off the deep end, but he was toxic to me and it affected my parenting. While my son was upset when he continued to stand him up, etc., eventually he formed his own opinion of who his dad is and whether or not he wanted him in his life. I never spoke ill of his father, but I sat him down and talked to him about addictions and how they change people. We ended up doing some research about addiction and it really helped my son to digest the situation. He no longer feels that there's something wrong with him or that he's unlovable. Though we want to fix everything as parents, we can't fix other people. So my advice is to just be supportive and give them the tools to handle such situations where the people we love just aren't who we want and need them to be. And keep being a fantastic mom.

His happiness and well being are no longer your responsibility. But he is also the father of your children, so I understand your sadness and frustration.

You are a great mom. I'm sorry you're hurting for your kids.

My ex is an alcoholic. So is his wife. It is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking for the kids. 

We have been divorced for a long time and over the years my ex and I have a decent enough relationship-almost friends. But-and I think this is the biggest thing-I have had to totally take my emotions/expectations out of the equation, including those that I have for boys and their relationship with him. I can coach them, but have had to step back and allow them to walk their own path with their dad even though it was/is an incredibly complicated one. I have never doubted his love for the kids, just his ability to cope with the world. I don't make excuses for him or his behavior, but do try to help with navigating a relationship with an alcoholic. 

Don't think that I am minimizing it, or what you are asking. Because that isn't what I am trying to say-not at all. It is more like having learned through experience that I can't allow myself to get caught up in all of it. I am one of those perennially nice people and want to take care of the world. It is STILL hard for me to step back-and my kids are technically adults. I heard from both of my kids yesterday about how dad is on a serious bender (as is step-mom and she is an ugly drunk) right now and Christmas at their house was pretty much a non-event. It kills me to hear this. 

But over all, I have had to learn how to stay out of it. Sometimes I have to step in, during the times that I think that there are safety issues, and those are rare in the extreme (they have a live in nanny who makes sure that all the little people are taken care of.) I find that I feel so sorry my ex sometimes that I want to help him sort himself out-he was so proud of himself the day he came over to my house to show me his AA chip (which apparently didn't stick.) I try to support him as best I can, but I simply can't get involved on a personal level anymore.

Anyway, this long winded answer is mostly to tell you that you aren't alone. But someone upthread said you have to stop trying to give the kids the father they don't have. They know what he is, he knows what he is, and you know what he is. You can't change him, nor can the kids. He will be what kind of father he will be and the only thing you can do is be the best parent YOU can be. Love the kids, support the kids, help them understand (or better send them to a therapist who can also help them with coping tools) and when your ex calls you, remember you aren't married to him and it isn't your responsibility to try to mediate between him and then kids. Write down the phrases you want to use and refer to it often 'I am so sorry that you that feel this way, have you talked to xxx?' 'I am sorry that you are you sad, here is the name of a great therapist xxxx' 'I am sorry you hate your job.' 'I am sorry you feel that you can't face so and so, here is the name of a good therapist.' blah blah blah. Best thing to do is not engage. You can be nice, but you don't have to engage one little bit. Statements that are closed ended that don't allow for a come back are the best thing you can do, even if you have to practice them in a mirror first. 

I used to be sympathetic like you, and my ex used to call me with the same BS. And I felt sorry for him for a while. 

Eventually I started seeing him for exactly the way he was - a weak person making excuses for his bad behavior and preying upon the good graces of others. My daughter stopped talking to him altogether once she got married and had kids, and even my son (who is the most compassionate of all of us) lost patience with his father and stopped taking his calls. Ex would then call me to complain that the kids didn't want to see him, hoping I would intervene.

I told him he needed to change himself and his behavior towards his children if he wanted to salvage any relationship with them. He needed to stop lying and making excuses because that fools no one, and needed to become reliable and present in their lives.  Then I stopped taking his calls so he was forced to deal with them directly. Now, 14 years after the divorce, he is becoming the father he should have been all along.  Hope you can eventually find a path to that as well, but it won't happen until he faces some very hard facts about himself.

I believe you taught your children to respect & give another chance to the people they love. Unfortunately, the blatant lack of involvement this year has prompted them to accept who he is & reassess whether to give him another chance. Please let each of them decide whether s/he wants to pursue a relationship with him & support this choice. Meanwhile, please choose to cut your ties with him (except in emergencies & major life events involving the children). I wish you & your children a lifetime of happiness!

I'm sorry. What a tough situation. Have you and your children gone to Al-Anon? They will help with learning how to deal with an alcoholic.

Hugs, jeremysgirl.