The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,192
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Feb 8, 2017 20:19:05 GMT
who you feel like is potentially rushing into an engagement. (they are not engaged at this time)
Said adult child is 23. Has been dating girl (20) for approximately 4 months.
(just typing that out has made me cringe) |
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,647 
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Feb 8, 2017 20:20:39 GMT
"Congratulations." and leave it at that. Then secretly hope they change their minds.
ETA: I should probably mention I married my DH six months after I met him. We've been married 26 years. So I might not be the best person to ask.
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Post by mom on Feb 8, 2017 20:21:20 GMT
"Congratulations." and leave it at that. Then secretly hope they change their minds.  |
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Post by gar on Feb 8, 2017 20:22:12 GMT
Oh dear...thats hard. Do you like her?
I don't know - what's his history of g/friends...is this the first engagement? Do they plan to be marry quickly too?
Really, the sensible thing is to talk, not lecture or 'advise', just talk, ask questions, be interested because, in the end, you can't change his mind.
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MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on Feb 8, 2017 20:23:27 GMT
You never know.
My sister and her husband married young. Both were 17 and couldn't be reasoned with. They have had their rough patches. However, they will be celebrating 16 years in a few months.
Ideal...no. Would I want that for my kid? No.
But what are you going to do when they are hell bent on their course?
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 8, 2017 20:26:12 GMT
My husband and I got engaged after dating for five months when we were 23 and 24. His parents tried to talk him out of it. We've been married for twenty years. It wasn't a good strategic move on their part.
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,516
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Feb 8, 2017 20:32:10 GMT
I think I'm going to be in this same situation except my DS is only 19 and his GF is 18. They've been a couple for 3 years now. They know our feelings about their relationship. I've told my son that I wished he would go off and find himself before settling down with the only girlfriend he's ever had. He is very shy and timid though and doesn't meet people naturally.
What I've learned is "puppy love has no boundaries" and "love is blind" are both very true statements. You can't change their minds, but you might be able to help them postpone things just a bit.
Good luck with your situation! We truly can only give our congratulations and be there for them no matter what.
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carhoch
Pearl Clutcher
Be yourself everybody else is already taken
Posts: 2,992
Location: We’re RV’s so It change all the time .
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Post by carhoch on Feb 8, 2017 20:33:43 GMT
I would absolutely say something , my kids know without a doubt that we love them and we have their best interest at heart it doesn't mean that they will always listen but we will definitely talk about something like that honestly and openly .
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Feb 8, 2017 20:33:43 GMT
"Congratulations." and leave it at that. Then secretly hope they change their minds. ETA: I should probably mention I married my DH six months after I met him. We've been married 26 years. So I might not be the best person to ask. this. I married at 19. When I told my mom I was engaged she told me I was too young...so, we eloped and told her two days later. I don't know if I would've married him had she just let it run it's course. I was married to him for 13 years |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Feb 8, 2017 20:42:03 GMT
"Congratulations." and leave it at that. Then secretly hope they change their minds. ETA: I should probably mention I married my DH six months after I met him. We've been married 26 years. So I might not be the best person to ask. Dh and I married after dating less than 3 months, we have been married 19 yrs. So this is a tough one. I know that people didn't think we should get married or that we were doing the right thing or that we would make it. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Feb 8, 2017 20:43:09 GMT
I was 24 when I met DH (he was 31). We decided to get married 3 months after we met. We actually got married 8 months after that. We will celebrate our 27th Anniversary in August.
You just don't know. I did a lot of living and traveling between 18-24. I was ready.
Don't discourage, we all know that never works as intended. Be open and available.
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Post by MichyM on Feb 8, 2017 20:44:45 GMT
I have a 26 YO. I would totally zip my lips. And it would be so incredibly difficult...
ETA: I got married a few weeks shy of my 21st birthday. Neither of my parents said anything negative about it. Not even when we divorced 3 years later. I'm very grateful. And I did learn a lot from that experience.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 20:45:29 GMT
Only say they can't live with you , nor will you help financially.
Remember she could be the mother of your grandchildren and you want to be part of their lives no matter what happens.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,192
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Feb 8, 2017 20:46:19 GMT
Oh dear...thats hard. Do you like her? I don't know - what's his history of g/friends...is this the first engagement? Do they plan to be marry quickly too? Really, the sensible thing is to talk, not lecture or 'advise', just talk, ask questions, be interested because, in the end, you can't change his mind. I don't dislike her at all. She is so quiet, I feel like I don't know her.
My dh reminded me that I was really quiet to when he brought me around his family. This is true.
On paper she seems like a good fit. Her personality seems dull. My son is a middle child and very funny and full of life.
My dh had a conversation with ds and said that he would suggest dating a year. He hasn't even know her for a season. If you love her now, you will love her then.
My son also admitted to my dh that he feels like her dad is pushing them to marry. I don't know in what way.
I have met her mother. Very nice lady. Have not met the father. DH has not met either parent.
It's a weird feeling to let a "stranger" into your family.
Thanks for letting me talk this out. The peas ALWAYS have great advice!
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,192
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Feb 8, 2017 20:49:31 GMT
Only say they can't live with you , nor will you help financially. Remember she could be the mother of your grandchildren and you want to be part of their lives no matter what happens. My son has his own house. We are so proud of him that he was able to do that at such a young age.
I have thought about the whole grandchild thing many, many times. The only people I have talked to this about is my dh and my sister, (and now you guys!)
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Post by Cupcake on Feb 8, 2017 20:51:18 GMT
It's a tough situation but congratulating them and getting to know her better (while encouraging a long engagement!) might be the best angle of attack. I remember my parents freaking out when my older sister got engaged at age 19 to a man 12 years older. They will be married 28 years in June!
Lisa B.
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Post by prapea on Feb 8, 2017 20:52:59 GMT
"Honey, do you want to wait till she is old enough to enjoy champagne at her own wedding?"
kidding.. I wouldn't say anything.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 20:56:57 GMT
Be their friend. My in laws were opposed to our engagement. It did not go well for them. The relationship never recovered.
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Post by rst on Feb 8, 2017 21:01:55 GMT
I'd focus on getting to know her. Since she is quiet and seems dull, you may have to make some effort at it. If anything is going to show a side of her to your son that will make him pause or change his mind, it won't be you telling him that it's a mistake. However, if you are receptive, cordial, warm, accepting, friendly, go the extra mile toward her -- it gives him a chance to see how she behaves around his family of origin, and if there are issues with that, don't let it be you at fault.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 10:09:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2017 21:07:16 GMT
My son also admitted to my dh that he feels like her dad is pushing them to marry. I don't know in what way. I would find out what he means by this and ask whether he truly wants this. If he does, then I'd congratulate him and hope for a long engagement so that they can have more time to get to know each other better. |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Feb 8, 2017 21:12:35 GMT
I'd be supportive and suggest a long engagement if the relationship is healthy.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Feb 8, 2017 21:14:44 GMT
I don't have any problem letting anyone know that I think it's a bad idea to get married less than a year after meeting. the first 6 months are just infatuation on purpose. Makes it easier to overlook all the little stuff that drives you crazy. The next year should be looking at how much of that little stuff you can tolerate. I would tell him the truth.
"If you want to be engaged at only 4 months that's your decision but I think it would be pretty stupid of you to get married immediately (and explain above reasons)." If they start planning a wedding before that time, I would not help pay for it.
I've also had a lot of talks with my kids about how weddings come first then babies. Period. So far so good.
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Post by ilikepink on Feb 8, 2017 21:17:12 GMT
My ODS was with a girl 5 years old than him. She had a few "issues", communication being one of them. His brothers didn't like her; when I did meet her, I tried, really did. The day after I met her (and flew back home), they announced their engagement, in July. That didn't sit well with me, but whatever. Then they insisted on a Vegas wedding that November--on the anniversary of their first date.
I spoke with him candidly once--let him know that I thought it was being rushed, I had concerns about her being the right person for him. I was told he knew what he was doing. His brothers had similar conversations. We each spoke once, and then shut up. We all went to Vegas for the Event. And they were broken up/separated by new years.
My advise? Speak your piece once, shut up, and then wait - it will work out (great for everyone!) or it won't (and you will be needed to help pick up the pieces).
Good luck!
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Post by kimpossible on Feb 8, 2017 21:19:10 GMT
My SIL and BIL just went through this with their youngest DD. She was 19 - boyfriend was 22 when they got engaged. They both had part time jobs and had to take in a roommate in order to afford So. California rents. Well, that went south within a few months with roommate so he goes to his parents to ask if they could move there - they said sure, but not unless you are married. So he talks her into going to city hall to get married - and they did...just to move in with his parents and pay zero rent. (this whole decision took place in one week)
Fast forward 6 months later - things start crumbling. Within the year they have filed for divorce and she has now moved far far away. He started dating someone else before they even filed for divorce.
I was proud of SIL - they offered counsel, shared their opinion that they thought it was too quick but didn't yell or demean the situation - only offered love.
She came running back to them when it was all over. So my best advice after witnessing all this - feel free to voice your opinion, in a nice way - make your recommendations, but always offer your support and love too.
Tough one - I don't envy your situation.
By the way - in this modern age - why would any parent try and rush their kids into a marriage? Crazy!
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on Feb 8, 2017 21:19:33 GMT
I'd say get to know her. There are a lot of people who have a hard time with new situations and people but are really lovely, warm, and funny when you get to know them.
When my dd told me she wanted to get married at 19 to an 18 year old, I wasn't excited she was choosing this so young, but I knew there was nothing I could say to stop it. He's a lovely young man and I'm glad we were supportive. They've been good together and are learning how to be adults together. They get tax and college benefits they wouldn't have if they were just choosing to cohabitate. Because we were supportive when they chose to get married, we still have a good relationship now.
Your kids are going to make choices you personally wouldn't make. Sometimes it's not the right choice, a lot of times it is. You just have to let them decide their own lives.
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Post by gailoh on Feb 8, 2017 21:20:53 GMT
He owns is own home...I would say have a pre-nup made hope that is the word I am meaning...paper drawn up what is his is his if it fails and same with her...
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
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Post by cycworker on Feb 8, 2017 21:25:17 GMT
I would absolutely say something , my kids know without a doubt that we love them and we have their best interest at heart it doesn't mean that they will always listen but we will definitely talk about something like that honestly and openly . Yep. I'm here, coupled with what @gar said. You don't give ultimatums, or yell. You make gentle observations, ask open questions, etc., so as to show you respect and support, you're just concerned. You want to be a mirror for your kid so they have a safe way to reflect and consider their choices. |
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,388
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Feb 8, 2017 21:39:42 GMT
My son also admitted to my dh that he feels like her dad is pushing them to marry. I don't know in what way. I would find out what he means by this and ask whether he truly wants this. If he does, then I'd congratulate him and hope for a long engagement so that they can have more time to get to know each other better. I agree. Without any firsthand experience as a young adult considering engagement or his/her parent, my advice is to encourage your husband to revisit their conversation & learn more about this statement. Your son - not you or his friends, girlfriend, their parents, etc - should choose, & not feel coerced, to make this commitment. (((Hugs))) to you, as your adult son navigates this stage of his life. |
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Post by lisae on Feb 8, 2017 21:44:50 GMT
We've been there. Stepdaughter was 30 and got engaged to a 22 year old she had known 4 months at the time. They have been married now almost 7 years with two kids. Mixed reviews from what I hear, I don't see them much due to the physical distance. Everyone was against this marriage but the only one who spoke up was DH and she definitely did not appreciate the input and obviously it did not change her mind. He said nothing more about it after than one very unproductive talk; attended the wedding doing his fatherly duties including paying the bills.
It won't help to speak up.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
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Post by cycworker on Feb 8, 2017 21:52:49 GMT
As an aside, there's someone I care about - not a family member - who's on the wrong path. I've held my tongue as I've lacked a moment to speak, and, well, I've let fear get in my way. I regret it.
So there's two sides to every issue. The key is coming from a loving place, with no demands that the outcome be X. Sometimes it's as simple as what you can live with. In my situation, I can't in good conscience hold my tongue any longer.
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