Post by zella on Feb 16, 2017 20:58:13 GMT
So we have a virus making the rounds at our house. My older daughter just took my granddaughter to the ER, as she appears dehydrated. She's been sick off and on since Sunday. I'm under self-imposed quarantine, and I think I have the virus. I'm not terribly ill, but not well either. DH has been at work all four days this week (he usually works from home on Tu and Th). Tomorrow he's driving up to Canada to see his mom and will be gone overnight. My anxiety is utterly out of control, largely due to my emetophobia (fear of throwing up). I am so tired of living this way, so tired of feeling ill, so tired of being depressed and anxious with no end in sight. My primary care doctor doesn't know what to do with me. My rheumatologist is working on finding some answers, but of course it all goes so slowly. My counseling doesn't seem to be helping. I can't find a psychiatrist to work with on meds.
My younger DD is barely hanging on; she is horribly depressed, anxious and borderline suicidal. She has a counselor she's working with, and I think it's a good fit, but progress is slow. My older DD kicked her husband out yesterday (they lived with us). He's been a complete asshole to her for months, so I don't blame her. But I have no idea how DD will manage;her bipolar symptoms have returned, but she can't find a psychiatrist either; she has an appointment with her PCP on Monday. She didn't finish high school and hasn't got a GED either. She has worked as a nursing assistant, but doesn't currently have any credentials.
Meanwhile, DH is stressed beyond belief. His mum just finished chemo for her cancer (I think she has multiple myeloma). She really needs to move to an assisted living or something, but DH has no idea how to help her. His sister lives near their mum, but she was nasty to DH the last time they saw each other, and now DH won't talk to her. He tries to get info from his mom, but she has a fair bit of dementia. Meanwhile she's living in her condo, with no regular health visitor or anything (she's in Canada, btw; we are in the US). At work, his company is laying off people like crazy, and DH actually would like to be one of them, but instead he's just given more responsibilities and has to choose who to lay off. All the people that made his job tolerable either have already left, or are about to leave. He is currently the only one in the house who is working, as he's the only one who is mostly healthy. He's under so much pressure, I know he is, but I feel paralyzed and unable to help. Son in law has a job. He'll be starting paying child support very soon. That will be a shock to him, I expect. But that's too bad.
I just can't do it. I can't handle any of this. I am so scared all the freaking time, waiting for something bad to happen. I feel horribly guilty because I can't help either of my daughters like they need or deserve. And the stress is putting a strain on my marriage, too. I just want to crawl in a closet and die. Every day when I wake up I am so disappointed that I didn't die while I was asleep. I think it's fair to say that my antidepressants aren't working well (I'm currently on two anti-depressants). Leaving the house is getting harder and harder for me and is highly anxiety-provoking.
I don't expect anything from this post; I just needed to vent. I'm not going to kill myself, because I am too much of a coward. Please, don't be harsh with me; I'm already crying and a mess.
My younger DD is barely hanging on; she is horribly depressed, anxious and borderline suicidal. She has a counselor she's working with, and I think it's a good fit, but progress is slow. My older DD kicked her husband out yesterday (they lived with us). He's been a complete asshole to her for months, so I don't blame her. But I have no idea how DD will manage;her bipolar symptoms have returned, but she can't find a psychiatrist either; she has an appointment with her PCP on Monday. She didn't finish high school and hasn't got a GED either. She has worked as a nursing assistant, but doesn't currently have any credentials.
Meanwhile, DH is stressed beyond belief. His mum just finished chemo for her cancer (I think she has multiple myeloma). She really needs to move to an assisted living or something, but DH has no idea how to help her. His sister lives near their mum, but she was nasty to DH the last time they saw each other, and now DH won't talk to her. He tries to get info from his mom, but she has a fair bit of dementia. Meanwhile she's living in her condo, with no regular health visitor or anything (she's in Canada, btw; we are in the US). At work, his company is laying off people like crazy, and DH actually would like to be one of them, but instead he's just given more responsibilities and has to choose who to lay off. All the people that made his job tolerable either have already left, or are about to leave. He is currently the only one in the house who is working, as he's the only one who is mostly healthy. He's under so much pressure, I know he is, but I feel paralyzed and unable to help. Son in law has a job. He'll be starting paying child support very soon. That will be a shock to him, I expect. But that's too bad.
I just can't do it. I can't handle any of this. I am so scared all the freaking time, waiting for something bad to happen. I feel horribly guilty because I can't help either of my daughters like they need or deserve. And the stress is putting a strain on my marriage, too. I just want to crawl in a closet and die. Every day when I wake up I am so disappointed that I didn't die while I was asleep. I think it's fair to say that my antidepressants aren't working well (I'm currently on two anti-depressants). Leaving the house is getting harder and harder for me and is highly anxiety-provoking.
I don't expect anything from this post; I just needed to vent. I'm not going to kill myself, because I am too much of a coward. Please, don't be harsh with me; I'm already crying and a mess.
