rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125 
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Post by rickmer on Mar 19, 2017 17:58:56 GMT
I have a work friend to whom I have become a bit closer. she is a single mom and has had a rough go over the last couple of years. we used to speak daily, often go run errands at lunch. now we touch base via text, go for lunch every now and then (since I no longer work at the office) and chat sometimes on the phone.
she has hinted that it would be nice for her to bring her kids up to my MILs cottage, that it would be so fun. I have always kind of hedged around it as I didn't want to hurt her feelings but ours kids don't even know each other, cottage time is valuable since we share with SIL and well, we aren't even really *that* close.
so I guess she picked up on my reluctance and turned it around and flat out asked me "well, unless you don't want my kids and I to come to the cottage.... do you not want us there?". I brought up sharing with SIL, that its not ours, etc but will try to schedule something in. ugh.
I got pressured into inviting another friend and her kids last year. our kids know each but are not friends. it turned out to be a super-frustrating experience for the kids and i. of course, she thinks it went great and I am sure will start subtly suggesting "what is up for this summer?".
I wish I had some go-to reply... and the peas' are good at those!
I think it bugs me since if I got the slightest hint someone was less than enthusiastic about something, I would never bring it up again.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:30:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 18:01:06 GMT
'Sorry, it's not my place so I can't just invite people'
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Post by annabella on Mar 19, 2017 18:01:18 GMT
I would tell her this is family time for the cousins to connect. And that you two can hang out another time, and she's free to arrange the outing. So as to suggest she is not to tag on to your events, but to make up her own events.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 19, 2017 18:02:51 GMT
She is trying to use you for a free or cheap vacation.
Tell her you already have this summer planned.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Mar 19, 2017 18:03:44 GMT
My MIL has asked that we stick with family only coming.
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Post by padresfan619 on Mar 19, 2017 18:04:47 GMT
It isn't your house to invite people to.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Mar 19, 2017 18:08:01 GMT
so I guess she picked up on my reluctance and turned it around and flat out asked me "well, unless you don't want my kids and I to come to the cottage.... do you not want us there?". I brought up sharing with SIL, that its not ours, etc but will try to schedule something in. ugh. I got pressured into inviting another friend and her kids last year. our kids know each but are not friends. it turned out to be a super-frustrating experience for the kids and i. Just tell her that the family has made plans for the cottage and it won't work to host them for the foreseeable future. Since the kids don't even know each other, I would suggest to her that you do something locally that is free or low cost instead. This should show her that you aren't totally wanting to ditch her, as well as give the kids a chance to meet and see if they even get along. There is no way I'd be having them out of town at a cottage when the kids have never met. |
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Post by seikashaven on Mar 19, 2017 18:12:45 GMT
"I've been asked to keep it to just family this year. Let's do something else together!"
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Post by mcscrapper on Mar 19, 2017 18:12:54 GMT
My mom has a nice condo at the lake which is about a 45 min drive out of town for us. In the past, I've had friends go with me for a girls' weekend or whatever. A few people have been allowed to go when we aren't there but that turned out to be not so great.
When I've been in similar shoes I've just said that mom is spending more time there herself and is asking that only family go up there now. Sorry.
It isn't a total lie but isn't a "you're not invited" response either.
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Post by jemmls4 on Mar 19, 2017 18:16:19 GMT
'Sorry, it's not my place so I can't just invite people' This is the perfect response. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
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Post by rickmer on Mar 19, 2017 18:35:10 GMT
'Sorry, it's not my place so I can't just invite people' this is a great suggestion although she knows I had the other friend up last year AND that we have two other families up together at the end of the summer every year. but we are friends are our kids are all friends, we also camp with them, celebrate new's years, do assorted picnics and family things throughout the year so to me it is a different level of friendship. I told work friend that weekends are hard to come by... my SIL doesn't work and for years said "you guys take the weekends, I can go up any time I want during the week". I mentioned to her that my SIL is now saying she wants her fair share of weekends too. I like the idea of re-directing to something else in town. that other friend I had up makes me leery of kids I don't know. I know her son and clearly told him all the rules but he constantly defied them. he was so competitive, turned EVERYTHING into a contest that he must win at *all* costs, to the point it isn't even fun anymore. my son was snorkelling and he shot the water pistol DOWN the snorkel while my boy was underwater!!!! throwing clumps on weeds and mud on the girls, refusing to wear a life vest when going out on the wind surfer board, etc, etc, etc. I was SO sick of his name by the end of the 3 days. I didn't let him away with anything. I am pretty sure he was sick of my voice calling/yelling his name...  |
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Post by anniefb on Mar 19, 2017 18:36:31 GMT
'Sorry, it's not my place so I can't just invite people' That ^^ |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:30:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 18:49:37 GMT
Just say that you invited someone once before, but MIL has stated family use only from now on.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
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Post by luckyexwife on Mar 19, 2017 18:58:24 GMT
'Sorry, it's not my place so I can't just invite people' this is a great suggestion although she knows I had the other friend up last year AND that we have two other families up together at the end of the summer every year. but we are friends are our kids are all friends, we also camp with them, celebrate new's years, do assorted picnics and family things throughout the year so to me it is a different level of friendship. I told work friend that weekends are hard to come by... my SIL doesn't work and for years said "you guys take the weekends, I can go up any time I want during the week". I mentioned to her that my SIL is now saying she wants her fair share of weekends too. I like the idea of re-directing to something else in town. that other friend I had up makes me leery of kids I don't know. I know her son and clearly told him all the rules but he constantly defied them. he was so competitive, turned EVERYTHING into a contest that he must win at *all* costs, to the point it isn't even fun anymore. my son was snorkelling and he shot the water pistol DOWN the snorkel while my boy was underwater!!!! throwing clumps on weeds and mud on the girls, refusing to wear a life vest when going out on the wind surfer board, etc, etc, etc. I was SO sick of his name by the end of the 3 days. I didn't let him away with anything. I am pretty sure he was sick of my voice calling/yelling his name... We have a lake place, and I've gotten good at saying "I'm sorry, that won't work" If pressed, I say that we bought the place for family time, and family comes first. If that mom pressed, I'd have no issues saying the lake is my place to relax, and not deal with kids that can't follow rules. In your case, I'd just say that MIL has said she wants this year for family, and it is up to her when others are invited. I am not confrontational at all, I had to practice saying no. I learned fast after we bought it! ETA: We do invite people quite often, but people we want there, not people that pressure us for invites! |
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,388
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Mar 19, 2017 19:00:49 GMT
Given it's not your cottage, do not allow anyone (other than your MIL) to pressure you into justifying your use or extending invitations. After all, the owner, not you, is liable for anyone using the property. I suggest you communicate your concerns to the friend & plan for your & her children to get to know each other before considering a vacation (anywhere) together. Best wishes...
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eleezybeth
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Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Mar 19, 2017 19:09:16 GMT
Next time she hints I would say, "We had a fun weekend didn't we (sighs nostalgically) I hope next year it works out. Weekends are getting harder to book at the week with SIL wanting a share of the weekends and all the other kid's friends already scheduled (kids, not yours). What if we tried to find something local? Look around your neighborhood and see if there is something you think all the kids would enjoy." Then abruptly change the topic to something, "Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you..."
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 7:30:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2017 19:10:30 GMT
I am so sorry but I have talk to my in-laws and they have put limits on the time and overnight guest that we can have at the lake this summer.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
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Post by rickmer on Mar 19, 2017 19:23:46 GMT
Next time she hints I would say, "We had a fun weekend didn't we (sighs nostalgically) I hope next year it works out. Weekends are getting harder to book at the week with SIL wanting a share of the weekends and all the other kid's friends already scheduled (kids, not yours). What if we tried to find something local? Look around your neighborhood and see if there is something you think all the kids would enjoy." Then abruptly change the topic to something, "Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you..." great advice ladies and i especially love this, complete with "nostalgic sigh"... it really is not my cottage, or even DH's. i guess it kinda blows my mind that people can be so pushy. funny thing, after i took friend with uber-competative boy and rest of her kids to the train station, my kids were in the lake playing until after dark. there was no bickering, no fighting, just having fun and enjoying each others company. i think we all felt such a sense of relief after he, and all the tension he brings with him, left!! life (and summer!!!) is way too short to set myself up for this crap! |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 19, 2017 19:26:16 GMT
I just don't have time for people like this. If you didn't respond to her hinting and she flat out asked you: "well, unless you don't want my kids and I to come to the cottage.... do you not want us there?" Don't talk about scheduling her in - just say no. If you want to be nice (which I wouldn't) Say while you enjoy spending time with her, the cottage is for family and friends who's children have been friends of your children for years. You can even throw in the - after inviting a family where you didn't know the child beforehand, you have no intention of ever having children you don't know at the cottage again - although I'm sure she'll take offense to that - oh well.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Mar 19, 2017 19:45:56 GMT
Next time she hints I would say, "We had a fun weekend didn't we (sighs nostalgically) I hope next year it works out. Weekends are getting harder to book at the week with SIL wanting a share of the weekends and all the other kid's friends already scheduled (kids, not yours). What if we tried to find something local? Look around your neighborhood and see if there is something you think all the kids would enjoy." Then abruptly change the topic to something, "Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you..." great advice ladies and i especially love this, complete with "nostalgic sigh"... it really is not my cottage, or even DH's. i guess it kinda blows my mind that people can be so pushy. funny thing, after i took friend with uber-competative boy and rest of her kids to the train station, my kids were in the lake playing until after dark. there was no bickering, no fighting, just having fun and enjoying each others company. i think we all felt such a sense of relief after he, and all the tension he brings with him, left!! life (and summer!!!) is way too short to set myself up for this crap! I have two friends in particular that I love to travel with. Love it. But their kids come and I'm out. The one brings her husband and her kids and I'm double out. They are collectively the biggest bunch of whiny butts. Hubby last time had his feelings hurt over something the children did - like skipped his turn at sitting in the hammock or something equally ridiculous - and he spent the night getting drunk alone in the bedroom. Mom dips out to "run an errand" and we are left feeding and managing their children. It has happened on two trips and I'm really not looking forward to any more trips with them. |
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 19, 2017 20:06:03 GMT
Ugh, I am so sorry. We rent a beach place for 2-3 weeks every summer, and people are always trying to invite themselves. I just say "oh, we'd love to get together soon! The house isn't going to work out."
Your friend is bold.
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Post by femalebusiness on Mar 19, 2017 20:18:45 GMT
These types of threads make me glad that I'm pretty direct. I don't get backed into a corner much because most people know that I can't be manipulated. I'd have looked that "friend" right in the eye and said good lord you are pushy. Didn't your mama teach you any manners?
And as for the obnoxious child as soon as that behavior started I would have had a very direct conversation with his mother explaining that if she couldn't stop his antics they'd be asked to leave as I wouldn't give up my peaceful vacation for anyone.
I tend to be overly polite to respectful people but have no qualms setting clueless people straight when they have no problems irritating others.
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 19, 2017 20:25:20 GMT
Suggest a small (2-3 hour) local outing, so that if the kids can't stand eachother it's over quickly. No is a complete sentence and it's rude to invite yourself to an event or getaway. Tell her that it's family only. If she persists or has hurt feelings then that's her problem, because she's the one being rude. You don't owe her a trip anywhere.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 19, 2017 20:28:38 GMT
She's really being overly intrusive and that may require a clearer and firmer "no" that is really comfortable. Otherwise, she won't get the message. Don't hedge around on this one. Make it clear - nicely - that it's just not an option.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 19, 2017 20:33:15 GMT
These types of threads make me glad that I'm pretty direct. I don't get backed into a corner much because most people know that I can't be manipulated. I'd have looked that "friend" right in the eye and said good lord you are pushy. Didn't your mama teach you any manners? And as for the obnoxious child as soon as that behavior started I would have had a very direct conversation with his mother explaining that if she couldn't stop his antics they'd be asked to leave as I wouldn't give up my peaceful vacation for anyone. I tend to be overly polite to respectful people but have no qualms setting clueless people straight when they have no problems irritating others. I feel like I am pretty direct also. I usually just laugh and act like what they said was ridiculous (because it is) and then say no. I frequently have people ask me to make scrapbooks for their family. Uh, no, I am still doing mine... I just laugh when people ask and they don't ask again. I would probably give a light-hearted laugh if she asks again and make it sound like what she is requesting is silly and say that I am not in charge of who gets invited since it isn't my place. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Mar 19, 2017 20:43:11 GMT
These types of threads make me glad that I'm pretty direct. I don't get backed into a corner much because most people know that I can't be manipulated. I'd have looked that "friend" right in the eye and said good lord you are pushy. Didn't your mama teach you any manners? And as for the obnoxious child as soon as that behavior started I would have had a very direct conversation with his mother explaining that if she couldn't stop his antics they'd be asked to leave as I wouldn't give up my peaceful vacation for anyone. I tend to be overly polite to respectful people but have no qualms setting clueless people straight when they have no problems irritating others. I feel like I am pretty direct also. I usually just laugh and act like what they said was ridiculous (because it is) and then say no. I frequently have people ask me to make scrapbooks for their family. Uh, no, I am still doing mine... I just laugh when people ask and they don't ask again. I would probably give a light-hearted laugh if she asks again and make it sound like what she is requesting is silly and say that I am not in charge of who gets invited since it isn't my place. Exactly this. I usually temper my directness with a laugh. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
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Post by rickmer on Mar 19, 2017 21:25:18 GMT
the peas are the best! I can do a silly laugh and say "not my place to be inviting people. its the in-law's, you know" and then change the subject. my best friend in high school grew up with an inground swimming pool in her yard (I moved there in grade 9). she said she would NEVER have a pool for her kids when growing up. I asked her why and she said "It was tough to figure out if people liked me and wanted to hang out or if they wanted to hang out at my pool and were willing to put up with me". I don't swim so I guess that was never an issue for our friendship!  |
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Post by laureljean on Mar 19, 2017 22:46:42 GMT
As a cottage co-owner, I feel your pain. I think what a lot of people don't realize is that having a cottage is a lot of work and expense, and not just an endless vacation. To be honest, the number of times we go to ours to just play are few and far between. It's another house so there is yardwork, maintenance, cleaning, etc. to do along with the expense of taxes, utilities, stocking the kitchen, and so on. As a result, we have never been on a "fancy" vacation-- it is road trips, picnics, and budget motels when we travel. It's worth it to have the place, though.
I have a couple of strategies when people who I really don't want to have as cottage guests try to invite themselves:
1. I say, "sure, as long as we can come along on your next cruise (or all-inclusive to Mexico, etc)", or
2. "Great! We are painting the shed and repairing the sea wall that weekend and could sure use the help!"
Works every time!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 19, 2017 22:50:41 GMT
As a cottage co-owner, I feel your pain. I think what a lot of people don't realize is that having a cottage is a lot of work and expense, and not just an endless vacation. To be honest, the number of times we go to ours to just play are few and far between. It's another house so there is yardwork, maintenance, cleaning, etc. to do along with the expense of taxes, utilities, stocking the kitchen, and so on. As a result, we have never been on a "fancy" vacation-- it is road trips, picnics, and budget motels when we travel. It's worth it to have the place, though. I have a couple of strategies when people who I really don't want to have as cottage guests try to invite themselves: 1. I say, "sure, as long as we can come along on your next cruise (or all-inclusive to Mexico, etc)", or 2. "Great! We are painting the shed and repairing the sea wall that weekend and could sure use the help!" Works every time! Ha ha ha! What has helped us is complaining about long it is taking to find a contractor to work on the steps and addition we need built. Funny how no one wants to come out knowing that the bedrooms are all gutted to the studs and the flooring is all ripped out!  |
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Post by ~summer~ on Mar 19, 2017 22:56:11 GMT
Just decide if you want them there or not and be honest. Probably would be fun for a day...
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