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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2017 21:51:18 GMT
And they say no thank you, do you
A) ignore them and do something anyway?
B) don't do anything because they declined?
I'm more of a B person. When I need help, I ask. If someone does ask, I'll tell the truth. It probably sounds ungrateful but I think it's intrusive and rude. Like I know you better than yourself, so I'll just do what I think is best.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 10, 2017 21:54:47 GMT
no means no so i do "B"
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Post by deekaye on Apr 10, 2017 21:55:17 GMT
If someone said "no thank you", I would take that at face value and not help.
I don't think of it as rude or intrusive if someone asks me if I need help. Sometimes though (a lot of the time!) I don't want help because at the risk of sounding like a two year old "I want to do it myself"! I am picky about how I want things done and usually really want to do it myself. Not meaning to be rude, 'just know that about me.
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Post by melanell on Apr 10, 2017 21:57:04 GMT
I agree that "no" means "no". If someone wants me to help, and I offer to help, then they need to accept my offer. I'm not playing guessing games about anyone's true intent. If you tell me "no", then that's the road I'm sticking to unless you later say otherwise.
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Post by mom on Apr 10, 2017 22:02:14 GMT
Yep. No means no. Off the top of my head, I cannot think of any instance that I would not follow their wishes.
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Apr 10, 2017 22:15:29 GMT
I also choose B.
I offered. They declined. End of story.
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kate
Drama Llama
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Post by kate on Apr 10, 2017 22:16:03 GMT
For me, it completely depends on the situation. If they say no, then it would certainly give me pause, but if I sensed that they were saying no because they thought it would inconvenience me to help, then I might be inclined to override their no. For example, if a colleague is trying to walk through a door or up the stairs with a precarious armload of stuff, I might help out anyway. I'm very sensitive to the tone of their response, though - I certainly understand having an armload of stuff that's balanced and would tumble to the floor like Jenga blocks someone tried to help!
Generally, though, I don't ask if I can help in situations where I'm unlikely to take no for an answer. Rather, I'll say, "Here, let me get that for you." If they object, then I'll honor that. I'm very careful about helping strangers on the street - sometimes elderly people will be dragging a cart or even a walker up the subway stairs or the stairs to church. I tell them I'm going to help, but if they don't want me touching their stuff, I totally respect that and let them go it alone.
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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 10, 2017 22:30:17 GMT
It's entirely situational. There's been multiple cancer diagnoses in my world lately. I'm part of a care team for one close friend, but not others. I've sent meal gift cards to a few of those for their teens to use, or Target and newsstand cards, although in general they don't need my active help.
It seems like many Peas have hardlined black and white rules about how they respond to issues. I must live in a grey world.
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Post by roberta on Apr 10, 2017 22:40:21 GMT
99% of the time I believe it is respectful to listen and do or not do as the person requested.
The other 1% would be the rare instance that you actually do know better in the case of an elderly or ill relative/friend that you know will not say yes but actually really needs help. In that case I would do as others have mentioned, which is say you are doing so and so but don't ask.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 10, 2017 22:44:48 GMT
I don't think of it as rude or intrusive if someone asks me if I need help. I don't think it is rude either. It seems like many Peas have hardlined black and white rules about how they respond to issues. I must live in a grey world. I hope my post didn't come across that way. The sending of gift cards and stuff wouldn't bother me. It's done from a distance, if that makes sense. I did have someone ask me if they could do something for me today and I did say no thank you; then they insisted. When there's stress in my life, I like to keep a low profile. I don't want to go into a long story, but basically they know some things because they work at my kids school; it is small, and it's a small town. I'm sure I'm sounding ungrateful, and I know they mean well. I just prefer to hide when things happen.  |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Apr 10, 2017 22:46:57 GMT
I agree with you, OP, completely.
If I've offered help and they've declined, I just let them be.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 10, 2017 22:52:54 GMT
It depends on what you mean.
If someone is carrying a large, heavy box and I say "Can I help you?" and they say "no". I usually will say something like, "well at least let me walk you to the door and open it for you" - that is helping them, even though they said they didn't need help.
If someone is doing something else, say planning a party, and I ask and they say no, I will just say "okay, but if you decide you need me, let me know" and leave it at that.
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,741
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Post by grammanisi on Apr 10, 2017 22:55:23 GMT
I say okay. Let me know if you change your mind.
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Post by deekaye on Apr 10, 2017 23:32:58 GMT
I don't think of it as rude or intrusive if someone asks me if I need help. I don't think it is rude either. Oops, sorry refugeepea, my reading comprehension isn't on par today. I thought you said that you thought it was rude if someone asks you if you need help. I totally get what you meant now and I agree with you.  |
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SabrinaP
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Post by SabrinaP on Apr 11, 2017 1:28:15 GMT
B, if someone said no, why would you help them anyway. I would assume that they had it.
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Post by melanell on Apr 11, 2017 2:11:14 GMT
It's entirely situational. There's been multiple cancer diagnoses in my world lately. I'm part of a care team for one close friend, but not others. I've sent meal gift cards to a few of those for their teens to use, or Target and newsstand cards, although in general they don't need my active help. It seems like many Peas have hardlined black and white rules about how they respond to issues. I must live in a grey world. I definitely live in a grey world, but I took the question to mean that right in the moment, I offered help and it was declined. And in the case of stepping in and forcing a situation despite a "no", then yeah, I am going to be pretty black and white with that. For example: I see someone struggling with a door and a wheelchair, I offer to help, they say they can do it themselves, thanks, then I'm certainly not going to force the issue. If you're trying to wrangle a few toddlers and I offer to hold a hand and you say "no", I'm certainly not going to step in and grab a kid without permission. Or, the reason I mentioned not playing games---I've had instances where someone is trying to do it all and complaining about doing it all, but when asked how others can help, they claim they're going to do it all. And then they continue to complain about how much they have to do. In that kind of situation I'm not going to play the "beg you to accept my help" game. If you want to be the martyr, then you go right ahead.  Those were the kinds of immediate situations I was imagining. Anonymously sending out a gift card to someone who could use it would be a totally different ballgame for me. For starters, I would never say to someone "Would a Target gift card help you out?" because I would expect many people would say "no, that's not necessary", even if they could use it. So technically, I still wouldn't be going against a "no". I'd just be sending a surprise gift. SaveSave |
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 11, 2017 2:42:09 GMT
It depends upon the situation and the person saying "no".
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Apr 11, 2017 3:10:17 GMT
If I ask and they say no I leave it at that and move on.
For myself I hate asking for help...it's just not something I do at all so if someone offers I will say no even if I need the help but I still would expect them to respect my wishes.
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 11, 2017 5:59:30 GMT
It depends upon the situation. I have found it is better to offer to do something specific rather than to say can I help you. For example, if it is a cancer patient, I ask if they would like for me to make some hats for them, or to make a blanket, or to drive them to chemo and back or other specific ways of helping. If it is a person with a load, I will ask to take a package or two from them to help, or to open doors for them. Then if the answer is no, then I will not pursue it further. Though, I try to leave the door open letting them know the offer still stands.
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Post by anniefb on Apr 11, 2017 8:08:54 GMT
It depends upon the situation and the person saying "no".  |
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Apr 11, 2017 18:24:52 GMT
I try to abide by someone's wishes, but I have, on occasion, dropped off a meal or gift card to a restaurant to a friend who's recovering or sick after asking if they needed anything and was told they didn't. I guess that puts my in the 'B' column, but believes 'A' is the right thing to do. I know, I know, I'm not making any sense . . .
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Deleted
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May 21, 2024 11:02:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 20:51:13 GMT
I have a few people who ignore my no's. LOL DH is a pastor and we do a lot of things for others (he is very handy, so he takes care of household things for people, we bring meals, etc...). He has been going through some health issues and people keep asking about taking us meals. I always say no because it might feel overwhelming in the moment, but we have a lot of new moms right now that could use the meals more, so I just take care of things. Generally people respect that, but I have two I can think of who call and say they are on their way with dinner anyway. I"m not offended, but I truly don't care to take the help, even though it is well meant. I"m private that way.
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