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Post by seikashaven on May 13, 2017 16:10:57 GMT
I hate it because it is a reminder of what I don't have. Not only is my daughter gone, but I don't have a relationship with my mom because if her behavior. We tried to do a regular Mother's Day last year and I ended up crying in my car in a parking lot. So this year I am skipping it. Getting my hair done and hopefully pressure washing the deck and carport. I'm so sorry that the loss of your daughter has been compounded by complications in your relationship with your mom. Grief is messy. You're still a mom, even without your DD here. And the way you fought for her and advocated for her until the very end shows your deep capacity for love what kind of mom you are. I hope you're able to enjoy your weekend of non celebration. Hugs!
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 13, 2017 16:15:32 GMT
SunnySmile, big hugs! I know what you mean. My kids are teens and I'm hoping they wish me a happy mother's day and I would give anything for them just to tell me they appreciate me. I say if no ones going to treat you, treat yourself. I'm going to a movie with my mom.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on May 13, 2017 17:05:40 GMT
Since my mother died, it just doesn't mean as much to me. Then you have my husband's refusal/inability to do anything gifting or celebratory related without me actually doing everything for him and honestly, why bother? And over time, he managed to brainwash our kids into the same mindset.
So earlier this week, he asked me when I was going to make reservations for dinner on Mother's Day. I told him when hell froze over. So I guess I will be doing nothing. And that is why i hate holidays. All of them.
Compounded this year by a close younger relative dying unexpectedly last night and all I can think of is her poor mother and how mother's day will never be the same for her.
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Post by 950nancy on May 13, 2017 17:09:00 GMT
It really isn't big on my radar. My mom passed away almost 30 years ago and I personally think the holiday is for celebrating your mom (or another very influential lady in your life). I think once you have your own kids, the transfer of celebration should change and your kids should celebrate their mom the way their mom would like if possible. I just don't get it all being about the oldest female (in some cases). All moms should get an acknowledgement. I usually get a donut and glass or orange juice in bed. There could be flower or a plant. Boom. Done. We used to go to the zoo as a family when my kids were little and I didn't cook that day. I want it to be low key because that is me, and frankly, having my boys always say thank you, having a husband who does half the work around the house, and being able to buy whatever I want for myself just doesn't make me need that Sunday to be about me.
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Post by lucyg on May 13, 2017 17:14:07 GMT
Since my mother died, it just doesn't mean as much to me. Then you have my husband's refusal/inability to do anything gifting or celebratory related without me actually doing everything for him and honestly, why bother? And over time, he managed to brainwash our kids into the same mindset. So earlier this week, he asked me when I was going to make reservations for dinner on Mother's Day. I told him when hell froze over. So I guess I will be doing nothing. And that is why i hate holidays. All of them. Compounded this year by a close younger relative dying unexpectedly last night and all I can think of is her poor mother and how mother's day will never be the same for her. I Liked your post more in sympathy. So sorry for your family's loss.
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Post by lucyg on May 13, 2017 17:21:28 GMT
OP, if your kids aren't going to acknowledge Mother's Day, then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment by expecting otherwise. Invite them over for breakfast or dinner, or let it go.
Personally, I think Mother's Day is silly. I did call my mom and ask if she wants to do something. She just laughed (where do you think I get it from?). I'm having breakfast with son's family because DIL likes to make a big deal about it. I guess I should get her something, since she cares. I don't.
ETA I think your one DD wanting to come make breakfast for you is sweet. It would never occur to me that she should pay for the ingredients. Do the thought and effort not count if there's no $$$ behind it?
Also, if she's spending the day with her MIL, is it because the MIL makes a bigger deal about it than you do? Are you stewing silently while telling your kids it's no big deal, while the MIL is insisting on their presence? Just a thought.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on May 13, 2017 17:22:12 GMT
LOATHE it. Even when my mom was a live. Same with Fathers Day. I don't have a tradtional family by any stretch. And we don't have kids. That's ok. I just don't like the feelings that come with it. I do have sisters and SIL's who are amazing moms. With both of our mothers gone, We're taking a day up north. Taking Pia so she can have an adventure So so sorry mallie I totally understand and all those who struggle with these holidays.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,726
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on May 13, 2017 17:40:44 GMT
Hugs to those struggling with Mother's Day. Life IS hard, and sometimes Hallmark makes even harder.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on May 13, 2017 18:11:25 GMT
I've never been one who expects much on Mother's Day. When my kids were little, my husband would help them make me breakfast, and we would do something fun for the day. I loved the sweet little gifts and cards they made in school, and I never gave a thought to getting other gifts. Sometimes, my husband would buy something, but mostly not, and I didn't care at all.
Now, they are all young adults. Three of them are in college. I don't expect gifts from them, in fact, I told them I don't want them to spend their money on me. I usually ask them to help me do yard work or some such thing. Tomorrow, I told everyone I would like for us to spend the day together--go on a hike and get ice cream or something. I'm just happy they are all with me on Mother's Day for the first time in 5 years. (My sons were in the Navy, and one of them spent 4 years in Japan).
My sister and I usually do something with our mom, but this year, she is out of town for the weekend. Like others, I don't have the best relationship with her, but I do try to do something special for her. I always have a hard time buying a card as the mushy sentiments on them seem fake for our relationship. I often make her a card, then I can write what I want in it.
I don't know how I will feel when my children are married with families of their own. I think I would at least like a phone call telling me happy Mother's Day, but other than that, I don't know. I'm pretty low maintenance when it comes to holidays, birthdays, etc. anyway.
OP, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. Try to reframe it--feel grateful that your daughter is doing something for you, even if it's not what you really want. Maybe her fiance's family is having a big to do, but she still wants to do something for you, too.
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Post by kristi on May 13, 2017 18:16:20 GMT
I think your daughter making you breakfast is a very kind gesture. Who cares about pizza/spending/ingredients.
Lower your expectations.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on May 13, 2017 18:21:31 GMT
Yeah, I don't like it very much.
I don't have a horrible relationship with my mother, but I don't have a fabulous one either. We have our communication issues. My parents are divorced and most people in our family do not speak to each other. Picking out cards is hard because they are so emotional and deep and I just don't feel that way. I try and pick ones that aren't too generic but just say enough. I know the people in my family would feel "hurt" if they didn't receive a card. That passive/aggressive thing.
My husband isn't a huge fan and he's like "well, your not my mother" and barely helps the kids pick out something, only does it because he has too. It is just too forced of a hallmark holiday. I am the one who picks out the card for his mom etc.
And it is Sunday, laundry and dishes needs to be done, groceries, school projects etc etc. I don't really envision lounging around all day and getting waited on. lol.
I feel so bitchy today and I have pms. Oh and it supposed to be pouring rain here the rest of the weekend.
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Post by flanz on May 13, 2017 18:26:14 GMT
When my husband and I were dating, we both worked at a Garden Center. We would see the people freaking out about the stupidest things... "my mother wanted pink impatiens and you only have white and red... she's going to be so mad etc." While not everyone was like that, we saw our fair share of this. When we became parents, we had a discussion about 'Hallmark Holidays'. We both came to the same conclusion. We don't believe in them. We have brought up our kids to do something nice for us with out the 'day' telling them that they must do it. My mother was on board with that but not my MIL. That's fine. It's not for everyone. Our kids are now all in their 30's and each one of them will surprise us when least expected. As an example, one of our son's drove home from college and showed up with a beautiful bunch of flowers. A few hours later he left to go back to school. We would much rather have them think of us when their heart tells them to, not when the day shows up. I know that a lot of people love Mother's Day, Valentine's Day etc, and that's fine. It's just not for us. Have you let your kids know how you feel? Maybe try to get through the day as if were an ordinary day. You seem to be putting so much emphasis of the 'day' and a gift. That's the reason we don't celebrate the 'day'. No expectations and are pleasantly surprised on other days! Same here! I hate the calendar dictating my giving and have modeled that for our kids. The spontaneous, this reminded me of you or it makes me so happy I want to share it with you gifts are the best. And best of all, time together!
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Post by flanz on May 13, 2017 18:36:19 GMT
Huge hugs to all for whom Mother's Day is a hard one. So many reasons that can be the case, and they are all heartbreaking. I'm not at all about the Hallmark Holidays myself, but I do honor my mom (3 time zones away) when they come around and I visit her once or twice a year for a total of 3 weeks or so.
I'm the proud mom of 27yo dd and 29yo ds. DD has lived in EU for three years (we live on west coast USA) and DS lives on assorted mountaintops. I'm ecstatic right now because dd arrives home at midnight tonight and will be here for 9 days, even though she'll be working remotely for a chunk of that time. And DS will arrive for 4 overlapping days. He hasn't been home since August of 2015, though we did get to spend 10 days with both of our kids in EU last summer, and 5 days with DS at a wedding in Canada last fall.
So, by accident, this will be an especially joyous Mother's Day for me. But when the kids aren't here... I don't get sad about it. They call if they can (near cell service, which for ds isn't guaranteed) and I rejoice in the fact that we have two happy, healthy kids out living their lives, following their dreams and passions. All the gift I need.
If you expect you will be disappointed by the actions or inactions of others in your life tomorrow, please do something nice for yourself!
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Post by compwalla on May 13, 2017 18:37:39 GMT
I'm so over Mother's Day. My grown children are never prepared with anything. It's not about the gift though. It's that they just don't care enough to even write a heart felt letter. I just feel like I get the leftovers of whatever holiday. My middle dd called my dh tonight and asked if she could come over and make breakfast for me (using my ingredients) at 6:30am. 6:30!!! Because she is just so broke and doesn't have any money. Well her checking account is connected to mine recently, (I have to go to the bank about that), and it's right there as I open my account so I wasn't snooping. I can see that she's spent a lot of money doing her fun things, spending $75 for pizza for her friends. I know it's not of my business what she spends her money on, but it sure make me feel bad that I'm just an afterthought to her. And why is she in such a hurry? Because she wants to spend the day with her fiance's mom. What a nice slap in the face. My adult son will probably forget as usual, and my senior dd won't do anything either. Now, if I were you, I'd be questioning why that is...is she a bad mom? Does she deserve no recognition? I am a good mom, and it hurts when there's a freaking holiday advertised everywhere you turn and you can't even write a note. I'm just done. At least my husband will take me to Red Lobster, which he hates, but I love. Love that guy! My mother is an asshole. So this adult child dreads Mother's Day because there is no card that says "I am a good person today largely because you were a shining example of how not to behave."
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Post by scrapmaven on May 13, 2017 20:43:19 GMT
OP, I think it's very nice that your dd is coming to make you breakfast. However, I don't know the dynamic in your family. Unless there's something I don't know I wonder if it's OK to allow your dd to do something nice for you and not judge the money or time? I wouldn't care whose ingredients they used if they wanted to make me a nice breakfast. Though I'd prefer a later breakfast, I'll take any thoughtfulness that I can get. When my mother died I began to hate Mother's Day. After a few years I decided to try to enjoy it and wouldn't you know it, the phone rang in the am and it was news that my fil died. After a few more years I tried once again to enjoy this hard-to-love holiday. This year I'm not waiting around for a big surprise or family hoopla. It's my youngest ds's last year at home for Mother's Day for a few years. So, I'm taking him to do one our most favorite things. We're going to the ballgame. A day in the yard w/my boy is all I need to say, GREAT DAY IN PROGRESS! In otherwords, if you want to have a good Mother's Day then plan one! compwalla , both my dad and grandfather were major assholes and neither should have been allowed a parenting license. Father's Day was always a challenge. How do you say, "happy father's day" when what you want to say is, "why on earth did you have kids, cause you really suck at raising them"?
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Post by 950nancy on May 13, 2017 21:52:37 GMT
LOATHE it. Even when my mom was a live. Same with Fathers Day. I don't have a tradtional family by any stretch. And we don't have kids. That's ok. I just don't like the feelings that come with it. I do have sisters and SIL's who are amazing moms. With both of our mothers gone, We're taking a day up north. Taking Pia so she can have an adventure So so sorry mallie I totally understand and all those who struggle with these holidays. I have no doubt that Ms. Pia thinks you are an excellent mom.
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Post by pajamamama on May 13, 2017 21:55:11 GMT
Add me to the list of those who hate it because my mother has passed. Never gets easier, she was my best friend and ally. My DH shares this same pain. Can it be Monday now please?
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Post by papersilly on May 13, 2017 22:01:29 GMT
I don't have a tradtional family by any stretch. And we don't have kids. That's ok. I just don't like the feelings that come with it. I do have sisters and SIL's who are amazing moms. This. Word for word. My my mom has been gone for 7 years and MIL is a pill. After FIL died 3 years ago, I've skipped out on Mothers Day with MIL. DH is fine with it but tomorrow I will do the time because DH really pitched in with my dad today and I'm grateful. I'm already mentally slitting my wrists at tomorrow's borefest but I will do it for DH so he doesn't have to stag it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 4:12:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2017 0:14:46 GMT
I'm sorry for your experience. Kids can be clueless. It's all about them. At least you get to enjoy a lobster dinner! Your DH is a keeper!
I don't hate it, but to me it's just another day. My sons rarely remember to say Happy Mother's Day to me, much less get me anything. When they do though, it's extra nice. I am expecting nothing tomorrow. I usually buy myself something special. This year, it was a couple of new shoes and a new purse. Nothing extravagant, but I'll enjoy them.
I always try to get my mom something nice. This year she got a new 7 quart crock pot! Which she already received on Wednesday since I ordered it from Amazon and had it shipped to her house. She was very surprised and happy! I told her I'm expecting spaghetti the next time I'm back home! LOL! So it's kind of like I got it for me! Hee hee! Maybe I can wheedle the recipe out of her this time!
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and grandma's out there in Pealand!
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on May 14, 2017 0:41:44 GMT
Yeah...not a fan. I hate feeling obligated and I shrink and recoil at the thought that my kids might feel that way so we make a big deal out of any time we spend together. THAT is Mother's Day for me, not some commercially driven, materialistic circus that the world determines. All that is bullshit. BUT - Happy Mother's Day to my fellow Mommas. Hope you can relax and have a great day.
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Post by melanell on May 14, 2017 0:48:21 GMT
Hugs!
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Post by anniefb on May 14, 2017 0:53:46 GMT
I don't 'hate' it but don't particularly like it anymore since it reminds me how much I miss my Mum (she passed away in 2011).
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Post by spitfiregirl on May 14, 2017 1:20:21 GMT
the holiday is what you make it. I don't need anyone, including my kids to make my day good.... at least thats what i keep telling myself ... If they don't call, ill be hurt, but I'm going to make the day good. I am going to knit, and work on making a wrap bracelet and do whatever i want. Eat whatever i want and relax. I hope you can try and have a good day and pat yourself on the back for being a mom. For devoting time, energy, love, sacrifice , and money towards your children. For many times putting children before yourself. For getting stretch marks, and for all the other physical tolls upon your mind and body. Try and make the day about you, no matter who calls, or who cooks. Make yourself happy. happy mothers day!
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,421
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
Mar 18, 2015 4:10:31 GMT
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Post by milocat on May 14, 2017 1:43:43 GMT
I'm not a fan of an of the Hallmark holidays. I don't give gifts to anyone except my kids, nieces and nephews who are all under 18. I don't want gifts from anyone on any occasion. I loathe getting crap I don't need and the pressute of giving someone crap they don't need. I love my family and inlaws we all get together often for supper. We all get along well. My sister is my best friend, my mom would be a close second. But I have no expectations of Hallmark holidays or regular holidays and have no disappointments either. If anything we get together for supper if not then we don't.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 14, 2017 1:56:24 GMT
Not anymore...but that was only because I changed my expectations. Once I realized that pretty much no one ever lives the perfection of those stupid commercials and I make my own happy it got a lot better.
Once I gave all that up my life got so better-not just Mother's Day but all the other one's too. This is one of those lessons I sure wish I had learned SO much earlier in my life. So many years wasted being sad and thinking I was missing out.
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Post by Zee on May 14, 2017 2:01:09 GMT
I'm hoping against hope that my son will get me some Shari's Berries...I lol every time I see those commercials. "She sent me a hug in a box" "I felt just like a princess"
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Post by coaliesquirrel on May 14, 2017 2:13:37 GMT
I'm the only active mother (9yo DD)on either side of the family; my brother is divorced, and DSIL's only son is grown and away in the Navy. DMIL is perfectly happy to see us whenever it works out - she's not hung up on dates. MY MOTHER, on the other hand, thinks the day is all about her, and that it can't possibly happen on any alternative days. Well, we're BUSY. We live 2 hrs. away, and I have a long commute every damn day during the week, so I don't like spending my weekends on the road too. My parents are RETIRED and could easily come see us at their leisure, but no. Every holiday weekend, we're expected to go to them. I told DH that what I want for Mother's Day next year was for HIM to make the goddamned plans with both sides so I'm not having to make all the arrangements for us to spend all weekend driving here and there when I don't want to AT ALL anyway. I know, I know - I should be glad to still have a mom. But you know what? *I* am a mom too! Don't I get a day to spend how *I* want? If the grandmas are supposed to take precedence, why isn't it called "Grandma's Day" instead?
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Post by ntsf on May 14, 2017 5:01:32 GMT
when I was growing up, we never celebrated mother's day or father's day. mother's day was the end of ski season. father's day was the start of summer. I have never expected much from my kids and my dh is more into it than me.. I am allergic to flowers.. so don't want them.. I want time to just do what I want.. my own mom has been gone 17 yrs.. I used to call her.. but she lived 1000 miles away so didn't see her much.
I guess.. it is all in what you expect.. and I am happy sort of ignoring the whole thing.
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Post by refugeepea on May 14, 2017 5:29:34 GMT
I'm not a fan of an of the Hallmark holidays. I don't give gifts to anyone except my kids, nieces and nephews who are all under 18. I don't want gifts from anyone on any occasion. I loathe getting crap I don't need and the pressute of giving someone crap they don't need. You are better than me. I don't give gifts to anyone but my mom and kids (and 3 close friends). My husband buys his own crap. Me and my siblings agreed we give too much crap to our own kids. We'd rather just do something together than waste time buying stuff off of a list. I truly understand there are some people who love to get a gift on a holiday, be surprised, unwrap the gift.... Me, no thanks. I don't necessarily think Mother's Day is a Hallmark holiday but it was very low key growing up in my home. I'm giving my mom a card and probably tickets for me and her to see a play or we'll go to a restaurant she likes. This is local stuff. No Broadway, off Broadway play or 5 star restaurant.
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Post by SunnySmile on May 14, 2017 6:22:49 GMT
I am sorry. (ps why is her account attached to yours? How does that even happen without your permission?) Our bank recently changed their whole online banking where now when you login you can see all your accounts. Well, I had to sign with her and also with my son when they first got accounts as teenagers. We forgot all about it, until the new changeover, and it shows their accounts to me. I went to the bank today and removed myself from their accounts.
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