Opinions/Experience Divorce and kids

I will never tell my kids the actual reason why DH & I are getting divorced.

They are adults now ( 18&20) the less I say the less can be blamed on me.

I have never once cheated, I respect myself too much. It's not my place to tell anyone what he did. Although I suspect they may suspect

I've never believed that a cheating spouse should get off the hook when it comes to the kids. Telling the truth is NOT bad-mouthing the other parent. Kids are going to ask why and I would answer honestly. If children would make an incorrect statement ("why can't I spend the night at Tommy's? You're so mean! That's why Daddy left us!) I would set the record straight ("No, Daddy is gone because he could not stay faithful to ME"). Bad-mouthing the father would be "You're dad is a a-hole. He's always cared more about having fun that being responsible."

You shouldn't tell them. They may figure it out on their own over time, but you don't want them to feel like they have to take sides, which they would if you were the one to tell them. He cheated on you, not them. And as hard as it is you don't want to do anything to hurt their relationships with their dad. He may do that on his own anyway. They will thank you for this when they are older. But it will be difficult always being the one to take the high road.

It is never appropriate to involve children in adult issues. Period. I never, ever bad mouthed my ex. My kids were perfectly able to figure out on their own what was true/false without me telling them anything negative. They are now adults and appreciate that. I believe it is horribly damaging to children when parents say negative things about the other parent. It is legally considered parental ailienation.

My sister's two older kids knew what was going on with their parents' relationship, but not because either parent was talking to them about it, because they are bright, observant kids. The youngest was completely oblivious.

I don't think the kids need to be told details but I would have a difficult time not answering direct questions.

Can you say more about this?

I would not lie to my daughter and at some point, I am sure she will figure it out.  

But I think unless they ask point blank did Dad cheat...I would not tell them.  Cheating may have been the reason for the divorce... but the reasons for cheating are generally a marriage in crisis.  Which is what I choose to tell my daughter caused our divorce.

And if you are in the early stages, if your ex acts like a complete ass, like mine, you don't ever have to bad mouth them.  Unfortunately, the kids will figure out who they are pretty quickly.

Tonight my daughter was in a play. Almost, Maine. the story is basically nine scenes about love, in all stages. She and her best friend played a couple who were at the end of their marriage, and the wife desperately wanted to leave but fear and the kids were holding her back. It was eerily real and hit very close to home.

I would not cover for a cheating spouse, but I wouldn't make it a repeating story either. Tell the truth if they are old enough to hear it and move on.

Just because an ex failed in his relationship with his wife does not mean he will fail as a father. My daughter was in her 20s when we divorced. I did not tell her all that had happened, just that her father was not happy in the marriage. Even with that she was very angry for a long time, but they have a great relationship now. I would not want to do anything to take that from her.

I have been on all sides of this. My dad cheated and it was years before mom told me. She never said a bad word about dad until I was an adult. I didn't understand at the time-he left me too!

I cheated on my first husband; my boys were so young that they do not remember us being married. Their dad threatened many times to tell them when they were way too young to understand. He was angry (still is) and while I own my actions, he is not the brightest and at some point our marriage would have ended. I didn't speak badly of him until they started asking me about how stupid he was being.
And then karma got me-my second husband cheated. My boys were adults and I told them what was going on. They have been protective of me, but do get along with him, as do I.

Be honest, but age appropriate. Don't be nasty; if one spouse isn't a good person, the children will see that. And they will always be the children and want to have the best relationship possible with their parents

Surely. I was too pithy about my first post, anyway. First of all, family law varies widely from state to state, so what's legal/right in my state may not be legal/correct in your state.

In my state, courts take into account what parents say to their children. As much as is possible, this state mandates as equal as possible co-parenting time, and if one parent behaves badly, their time with the children can be limited. Furthermore, child support is calculated based not only on how much money one makes but also how much time is spent with the children. So if, say, Dad badmouths Mom and claims she's a tramp who slept with the volunteer fire department, that's not conducive to engendering a positive relationship with both parents, and Dad could get his time cut down to every other weekend, which increases how much child support he pays.

If Mom badmouths Dad, same thing can happen. My state's laws mandate how parents are supposed to behave -- parents are supposed to encourage good relationships with both parents.

Now, that's just a legality in my state. It might not be a thing in the OP's state. But even if it's not a concern legally, it's just really poor manners to badmouth the ex. It doesn't foster healing in the children. My boss tells clients, "If it doesn't help, then it actively hurts." Withholding communication or money, slut shaming, complaining, being late to the child swap, "losing" an important comfort item so the child is not happy at the other parent's house, undermining the other parent's authority -- it's all petty bullcrap and doesn't belong being dumped on the children.

Now, the children in the OP are older teens, right? They'll figure out a lot of stuff on their own. Being gossipy isn't going to help.

And finally, one spouse is already behaving badly. If the injured spouse says nothing and does not poison the well, then the judge has a much easier job figuring out who the bad guy is. In other words, two wrongs don't make a right, and let's make the judge's job as easy as possible.

I don't plan on lying to my kids. They need at least one parent to be truthful with them. But if they are not point blank asking then I will not volunteer the information. I'm pretty sure they suspect anyway and I'd rather he bury himself. I get blamed for everything by him anyway so when his relationship with them deteriorates, as I sure it will, I'd rather be able to say I didn't damage it.

I mean unless mr perfect who sees no reason to change because he does nothing wrong decides to change, his relationship with his kids will deteriorate. They already avoid him when they can.

When my dd was little I kept the reason for the divorce from her. Around 18 she asked and I told her...your dad had a girlfriend. She doesn't know who the girlfriend(s) were because they are still in her life. I wasn't going to lie, and I certainly wasn't going to have her thinking I'm the one who ripped apart her life when she was 7. Her dad and I remained good friends. So much so that while she was growing up other parents thought we were still married. We often got told we needed to give seminars on how to remain friendly after divorce. My dd is now 20, and other than the occasional FB post, I only talk to her dad when she's home on leave. I don't miss him one bit!!!!