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Post by bigbundt on Jul 27, 2017 1:16:19 GMT
Just curious based on a conversation I had with my mom recently.
My mom has always favored my brother over me. He was a handful through childhood and through most of adulthood. As he reaches his mid-forties, he is just now getting his life in order, got a "real" job and is living away from my parents. Up until then though he has coasted along under employed, "going to school" on the GI bill when it turned out my mom gave him money that he pocketed and didn't attend, my mom was paying for health insurance for years, he had a few stints of living with my parents for 2-3 years at a time, at which time my mom paid for everything including groceries, Nicorette gum, prescriptions. He basically paid for his car, gas, and car insurance.
Meanwhile I earned my degree and have been working and on my own since I was 21. I've not asked for anything from them, have lived on my own, owned property, have taken care of all of my bills during that time. I did owe them money from when I bought a car in college but my mom kept telling me to wait until I earned more money to pay them back so I did and paid everything in full after five years.
My parents recently sold my brother their house through some method that basically means they are giving it to him in a round about way to avoid inheritance/gift taxes. I no longer live in that state so I don't care about the house but I mentioned that she sure has given him a lot through the years and she went off on me. Told me that she has always treated us the same and in fact, she's given WAY more money to me than my brother because she paid for my college and first wedding. But I wasn't talking about amount of money, I was talking about help and opportunity. How she has been helping him for almost twenty years while I have asked for nothing. How she downplays my accomplishments and talks incessantly about how successful my brother is despite all his obstacles (of his own doing).
She finally shut me down with: "You don't have a son. You will never know what it is like to have a mother-son bond. You will never understand that level of love for a child."
I've always known my mom favored my brother but I can't get her statement out of my head. Is there some kernel of truth that there are such huge differences in the bonds between a mother and her son(s) and daughter(s)?
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 27, 2017 1:19:57 GMT
She finally shut me down with: "You don't have a son. You will never know what it is like to have a mother-son bond. You will never understand that level of love for a child." Umm, no. I have three; one girl, two boys. None of them are adults yet, but man, I'm having more problems with the boy child who does NOT have Autism. That really stinks what you've been through.  |
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Post by mom on Jul 27, 2017 1:25:19 GMT
I am so sorry she said that to you. What a horrible thing to say.
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Post by bigbundt on Jul 27, 2017 1:28:06 GMT
Umm, no. I have three; one girl, two boys. None of them are adults yet, but man I'm having more problems with the boy child who does NOT have Autism. That really stinks what you've been through. Thank you. I've long accepted we would never be treated equally as generally the sibling that needs the most help will get the most attention from parents. And while he has gotten a lot of help and money, I've had independence from my controlling mom. That is pretty priceless!  |
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Jul 27, 2017 1:30:19 GMT
I do think some moms have a special soft spot for their sons. I know my own mom does (I know she adores my sister and me, but I think there's just a *drop* more adoration for my brother. It doesn't bother me.) I've heard lots of similar stories to yours (most of them here) about a favored and deeply flawed sibling getting so much more of the parental attention, money, concern, praise, etc., but I don't remember it ever being couched in terms of son vs. daughter. Either way, parents who indulge in this are complete tools, IMO. I'm really sorry she said such a hurtful thing to you on top of her already hurtful actions.  |
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Post by bigbundt on Jul 27, 2017 1:31:31 GMT
I am so sorry she said that to you. What a horrible thing to say. Thank you. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 1:32:14 GMT
One girl and three boys here and no, there is no "special" bond. She's just telling you that to justify her treatment towards you.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 27, 2017 1:32:53 GMT
My kids each say I love the other more, or favor the other more. I have 1 boy & 1 girl. I'm pretty sure I love them both pretty equally. Different maybe but equally. They each have their own special things with me.
DD would pull the 'you love him more' crap out in her teens when we had arguments. It pissed me off. At the time that child had NO idea how much I had given up for HER. But I kept my mouth shut because it was my choice and she doesn't need to bear burdens of my choices. Now that she's older I think she sees more eye to eye. We get along rather well. DS being only 18 and in a huge transition period is still a bit prickly.
To be fair there have been days where I wasn't so totally fond if one or the other but I think that's been pretty even too.
I can not imagine ever saying that to either of my children about the other. It's a bizarre statement to me. And rather hurtful, even bitchy. Hugs
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Post by bigbundt on Jul 27, 2017 1:36:37 GMT
I've heard lots of similar stories to yours (most of them here) about a favored and deeply flawed sibling getting so much more of the parental attention, money, concern, praise, etc., but I don't remember it ever being couched in terms of son vs. daughter. I don't doubt there is some truth but I'm just hoping the veracity of the statement had more to do with her trying to end the conversation than actual truth. If I ever bring it up to her in the future, she will deny that she ever said it or that I misunderstood what she was saying. |
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leeny
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Jul 27, 2017 1:42:26 GMT
So sorry. I have one adult son and two adult daughters and I am more close to my daughter's than son. When they were young I tried not to favor one or another, nor did I try to make everything "even." Each one is different and that is how I treated them. I've had a rough time with our son, but now at age 38 he seems to be wanting more of a relationship, which I am willing to do.
As for my in-laws, my husband has three sisters and he is #3 out of the four children. MIL never made it a secret that she favored my husband, telling my SIL's that she always wanted all boys. This put a strain on his relationship with his sisters and now that the in-laws are gone, we only see his sister's once a year or less, though two live in our area. MIL also favored the male grandchildren.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 1:43:37 GMT
Hello sister.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 1:55:53 GMT
Wait until she tells you that your children aren't her real children, like your brother's are.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 27, 2017 1:57:39 GMT
She finally shut me down with: "You don't have a son. You will never know what it is like to have a mother-son bond. You will never understand that level of love for a child." I've always known my mom favored my brother but I can't get her statement out of my head. Is there some kernel of truth that there are such huge differences in the bonds between a mother and her son(s) and daughter(s)? I am so sorry that your mum said such a hurtful thing to you, especially the part I bolded. I have a son and a daughter and there is no difference in the "level of love" that I have for each child. On any given day I might like one more than the other depending on how obnoxious they are being, but I think that's pretty normal. Regarding your mother's actions over the years, my first thought was similar to what Mystie mentioned - the "problem" child gets more attention and affection. But what she said to you is a whole 'nother thing. I'm sorry. |
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Post by scrapbookdiva on Jul 27, 2017 1:59:10 GMT
I have a dd 21 and ds 20. I have loved them both equally but I have liked one or the other more during their teenage years. That 13 year old girl was a handful and that 16 year old boy was an ass. And while I may not have "liked" them equally in those days, I never favoured one over the other. I loved them both.
I'm sorry your mom said that to you.
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Post by bigbundt on Jul 27, 2017 2:07:09 GMT
Wait until she tells you that your children aren't her real children, like your brother's are. That is one thing working in my favor, I have the only grand kids at this time. She has to play nice with them or she knows I will cut off contact. So far she's been a good grandparent but being in different states probably helps that. It is always a possibility my brother will have kids but he is adamant he will never marry and has said in the past he is not interested in having kids of his own. If he does my mom would explode in excitement. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 27, 2017 2:11:05 GMT
I only have boys. One is easier than the other to have a relationship with, but they are both treated similarly. Different needs at different times. Clearly your mom took offense to your comment about her behavior towards your brother. Sounded a little to protest-y to me. I would say your mom thinks it is true, so it is true for her. I think each parent/child has the relationship they both cultivate together.
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Sue
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Post by Sue on Jul 27, 2017 2:13:07 GMT
I'm so sorry your mother said that to you. What a cruel thing to say. I'm closer to my daughters but only because they live near me and my son is half-way across the country with his family. But as far as favoring one over the other.... no. I love them all equally and treat them equally as well.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Jul 27, 2017 2:49:05 GMT
Wait until she tells you that your children aren't her real children, like your brother's are. That is one thing working in my favor, I have the only grand kids at this time. She has to play nice with them or she knows I will cut off contact. So far she's been a good grandparent but being in different states probably helps that. It is always a possibility my brother will have kids but he is adamant he will never marry and has said in the past he is not interested in having kids of his own. If he does my mom would explode in excitement. Your brother sounds like mine except he's 42. He's always mooching from my mom. She had 3 girls then him and has always said she wanted all boys. I'm sorry she's so hurtful. One of my sister's keeps seeking her approval and just can't come to terms with her meanness. I've had therapy so it was easier for me to make peace with it. |
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Post by chirpingcricket on Jul 27, 2017 3:14:17 GMT
I'm so sorry your mother said that to you. It might be that she didn't *really* mean it -- she's just trying to justify her behavior. Regardless, that was a hard thing to have to hear.
As for mothers-sons-daughters and special relationships, I have to say that it depends on the individuals involved, not the relationships. I had a very special, close bond with my mother, and I'm a daughter. We were best friends for years. I still miss her like crazy.
My husband's mother had a son and a daughter. My husband moved out at age 19 and has not asked for help from his mother since then.
His sister has been a handful and has needed lots of help. She got divorced after 21 years of marriage, and had to file bankruptcy because of her spendthrift habits. She lived with my MIL for a while to get through the worst of it... until now, when she's 58 years old and has been laid off from her job, and she's in debt up to her eyeballs *again*, and hoarding animals, and and and -- we don't know the worst of it.
I'm a legal assistant, so I helped my MIL set up her will and living will and all of her accounts and stuff a few years ago. I know what she means for SIL to inherit, and I know what she means my husband to inherit. It's uneven, but that's because she's given so much financial and physical help to SIL over the last 15 years.
And I know it isn't because my husband is such a golden child and my MIL is blind to his faults. It's because he's responsible, and she sees his virtues.
It isn't always sexism or favoritism. Sometimes it's just delusion. I'm sorry your mother's deluded about your brother's issues.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 27, 2017 3:25:21 GMT
I have a boy and a girl, both young adults. In my heart, I don't favor one over the other, but I do think that each brings something to our relationship individually. But it has nothing to do with gender.
I really don't think that I favor one over the other, but I'm sure that it seems that way at times. They seem to take turns with what they need from me on their path to adulthood. DS has Asperger's, so that was in the front for a lot of years. He needed a lot of support from me and I'd like to think he got it. But I'll admit that at times, DD wasn't always first. When DS went off to school, a lot of her needs came to the forefront. I hope that I got to her in time and gave her the tools that she needs to go forth in life.
Both kids have the same amount of money set aside for them for school and our assets are split equally in our will.
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Post by sawwhet on Jul 27, 2017 3:25:52 GMT
Are we related? This is seriously how I grew up. My mother made no bones about who she favoured. Even while she was on her death bed and I was taking care of her, she couldn't wait to see my brother. She lit up when she saw him. He lived in her home until his mid 40s. He could do no wrong. I really believe that my mother was narcissistic and he was the "golden child". She had a lot of the signs. As for my children, I love them all the same  |
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Jul 27, 2017 4:08:13 GMT
I'm sorry your mom said such an unkind hurtful thing to you.
I have 2 sons and I can't imagine gifting one of them the house and not giving something of similar value to the other son. My intent is to split things as evenly as possible between them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2017 4:20:44 GMT
I"m sorry your mom said such hurtful things to you.
I have a daughter and two sons. My relationship with each of them is different, personality and personal interests play the bigger part of the difference. I feel like I love them all equally. And I try as hard as possible to treat them all equally. But it is possible their perception of fair is different from mine.
It may be your mother had a need to be needed. But you were an independent child instead of a needy child while your brother was more "needy" (shy, insecure, whatever of that nature) so his needs feed into her needs while your independent streak was something she couldn't understand and didn't fit into her notions of being a good parent/child relationship.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jul 27, 2017 5:02:11 GMT
So your mom took offence to a perceived accusation that she loves your brother more and defends herself by essentially saying that she loves your brother more. Cool, thanks mom.  |
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Post by miominmio on Jul 27, 2017 6:42:46 GMT
I have a son and a daughter, and I love them both equally. However, my MIL has told me that they (her and FIL) would have preferred that DD was a boy, and she has several times said in front of DD that boys are "special". I think some women believe that males have more value as human beings, and that females are just "less than". The weird thing is, that these women (at least those I have met), doesn't think of themselves as inferior to men.
ETA: I'm sorry your mom said that.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 27, 2017 7:35:13 GMT
I have one of each and my worst nightmare would be having to save one over the other. I can't imagine saying anything like what your mom said to you, to my DD ever.
When DD was born a few on DH's side gifted clothes in neutral colors because "the next one would be a boy". Their disappointment for us was a little stunning to me. We were overjoyed with DD and have fought hard against the favored son culture coming from that side of the family but it always irritates the crap out of me.
My parents (with 4 girls & 1 boy) have always treated us equally.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Jul 27, 2017 8:18:32 GMT
My kids each say I love the other more, or favor the other more. I have 1 boy & 1 girl. I'm pretty sure I love them both pretty equally. Different maybe but equally. They each have their own special things with me. DD would pull the 'you love him more' crap out in her teens when we had arguments. It pissed me off. At the time that child had NO idea how much I had given up for HER. But I kept my mouth shut because it was my choice and she doesn't need to bear burdens of my choices. Now that she's older I think she sees more eye to eye. We get along rather well. DS being only 18 and in a huge transition period is still a bit prickly. To be fair there have been days where I wasn't so totally fond if one or the other but I think that's been pretty even too. I can not imagine ever saying that to either of my children about the other. It's a bizarre statement to me. And rather hurtful, even bitchy. Hugs I can really relate to a lot of this, though I speak as a daughter, not a mom. In the case of bro & me, I think we've both felt like the other was favoured at times. I do know how much my mom / dad had to sacrifice for me. Think we each caused them different types of stress. His was more the 'staying out late' variety. Mine was more about my disability, if I could live alone. |
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Jul 27, 2017 8:19:41 GMT
And bigbundt I'm very sorry she said that. |
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Post by uksue on Jul 27, 2017 9:52:32 GMT
I have one daughter and two sons . I was 😳 At what she said to you.
I think this is just an example of a parent favouring a needy child - maybe she is the reason he is so needy ? Whatever, it's a really shi**y thing to say to a child.
I sort of know how you feel- my father has told me repeatedly over the last few years that my sisters husband is more of a child to him than I've ever been. He blames me for my mothers alzheimers and death, and has been raging on me for years , but he finally said something that made me cut him from my life .
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Post by brina on Jul 27, 2017 11:18:43 GMT
My family has a very similar dynamic. No matter what my brother did my mother bailed him out. I remember a time my brother was in his later teens early 20s he had a job that required a uniform shirt. He told my mother he was only given one and could not get another. He worked night shift, would come home, take his shirt off and leave it outside his bedroom door and go to sleep. My mother would get up before she had to leave for work, hand wash it and hang it to dry so it would be ready for him when he left for work that evening. His best friend worked for the same company and somehow had multiple shirts. My brother always had an excuse - they ran out of my size, etc. over the years she loaned him money on many, many occasions. I think at one point she hocked a gift I gave her to give him money, or he stole them and she covered for him. Regardless, the gift disappeared and she has told me three unrelated versions of what happened, none of which made sense. She provided a place for him to crash when he and his wife were fighting. Even with all that and the fact that he lived 5 minutes from her and I live half way across the country, my family has spent more time with her over the years than his.
The irony is that my brother has now passed away and my mother has dementia. She recently accused me of stealing her money to pay for my kids college tuition.
I don't know that I will ever understand her preference or double standard. He was the oldest, after many years of infertility.
I have two boys and a girl and I do not favor the boys over my daughter.
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