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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 17:16:54 GMT
Last year about a dozen women in my neighborhood started a book club. We found each other using the Nextdoor app. I think we originally had about 14 invited to that first meeting, but two never showed and we've had some drop off (including the woman who started the whole discussion about forming a book club). So now we are a group of nine that have been attending for the past year. One of the original 14 (let's call her Lydia) attended our August meeting for the first time. It was a disaster! She drank too much and got louder and louder. Every conversation ended with her taking over and talking about her direct, VAST experience with any freaking subject mentioned. I wasn't driving so as the night wore on I had another glass of wine and started giggling every time she opened her mouth. I couldn't help it, it was absolutely ridiculous. We ended up having to have the husband of one of the attendees drive her home because she was snockered.
We have become a casual group of friends who see each other in the neighborhood occasionally. But I don't think any of us meet outside of book club. This is our one day of the month to get together and discuss a book, have some wine, and a little side conversation. We are not very diverse. We're all middle/upper-middle class women ranging from 30's to 70's, some academics, some professionals, some SAHMs. Lydia should fit into the group, but she far out of our comfort zone with the personal comments about her life and family. So now we need to decide how to dis-invite Lydia from our book club. To add a little twist, Lydia invited her friend Kitty to our book club in July. Kitty showed up, no Lydia in sight. We had no idea who she was. It was a little awkward, she tried to get us to change how we select books, but in general we made it through. Our last meeting, with Lydia and Kitty in attendance, they both pushed hard to get us to change how we select books. None of us are pushovers, we pushed hard back. But who does that in a group that has been meeting for a year and have established procedures?
I'm all for just telling them it's not going to work and they should find a book club that fits what they are looking for better. I'm probably going to have to be the one that does it (there is one other that could do it also). I looked online, and most book clubs with this problem end up doing the ghosting thing. They tell the members they want out that the club is going on hiatus and just continue without them. I can't figure out if it's better to send an email or wait until the end of the next meeting and do it face to face. On a side note, DH is worried she's going to end up being a nutter and she lives in the neighborhood.
I just sent an email this morning to our original group so we can get a consensus on where we go from here. Has anyone been through this?
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 19:05:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 17:20:45 GMT
I would stop serving wine.
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Post by refugeepea on Aug 29, 2017 17:23:15 GMT
Send her an e-mail and giver her an ultimatum? Be specific about her excessive drinking and rules being established for selecting books. If she is unable to comply then ask her to leave the group. I'm not sure how you would word that, I'm the worst at that kind of thing.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Aug 29, 2017 17:23:28 GMT
I would stop serving wine. Maybe it was the simplicity of this response that caused the fit of chuckles. Crazy how simple things actually are. Wonder what everyone else will suggest. |
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Post by annabella on Aug 29, 2017 17:24:33 GMT
I don't know why your font is so hard to read? I was going to suggest not serving wine by why punish everyone else. How do you send out the invites? Is it a private facebook group? Can you invite just the people you want? Otherwise I would send her a polite email telling her that she drank too much as evidence by someone having to drive her home and that you welcome her back but hope she can keep her drinking in line. Hopefully she will be too embarrassed to return.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 29, 2017 17:24:47 GMT
I would stop serving wine. Then what's the point of book club, lol? Seriously, my book club wouldn't meet without alcohol. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Aug 29, 2017 17:25:31 GMT
Well yes my dad just went through this in his men's non- book club. The wives meet for book club and the men meet for dinner. They had to give someone the boot too. He was asked to leave because he was offensive and an asshat. The men are all very happy again. It had to be done as the men have their own rules they follow and he wasn't cooperating. Part of the rule was not be an asshole to waitresses or be mean or say nasty things to other members. He didn't get that. They met for a BBQ last night and had a great time!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 29, 2017 17:27:04 GMT
I was in a book club for years and part of the fun of it was tasting all the wines everyone brought. We would each bring a bottle and share.
I would simply not tell her when you're meeting next.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 29, 2017 17:27:43 GMT
I haven't been through it, but I've been in many groups which have a Lydia in them. They invite other people, they monopolize, they drink too much and they don't fit in. I think most of us have had a Lydia moment once or twice in our lives. I know I have. That's why I always give a second chance, which clearly you have. I think you give her a third chance because then it's patently obvious that it's not working out.
Hi Lydia - as much as we'd all like to include everyone in our book club, sometimes personalities don't mesh well. The first time you came, you brought someone else and you both tried - on your very first time - to change our established rules. The second time, you drank too much and had to be taken home. This last time you [were in any way obnoxious] and at this point, you need to find a book club that better fits what you're looking for.
It is short, to the point, and doesn't allow for her saying she won't do those things anymore. It's awful to have to tell someone they are not a fit and I would feel hideous if it were I who was being told that, but in all honesty, while I might have done one of those things at one point, the second time you do them, you doom yourself and it's time she realized. I would much rather know than be ghosted. MUCH rather.
Also, face to face. Nothing in writing!!
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 19:05:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 17:30:22 GMT
Yikes I hit the button to soon.
Actually I would just have a chat with the gal. Just come out and say her behavior was not acceptable.
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Post by Really Red on Aug 29, 2017 17:31:10 GMT
I would stop serving wine. Then what's the point of book club, lol? Seriously, my book club wouldn't meet without alcohol. I cannot even imagine why a group punishment is the right choice when one member is misbehaving. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Aug 29, 2017 17:32:30 GMT
I would stop serving wine. That would probably work, but if this was my book group, the rest of the members would stop coming, too! We're there for the wine....the book is a bonus. Ditto for the appetizers. I'm only halfway kidding. I actually just got finished with a class where a member always turned the discussion on herself. For instance, we had the summer off, so the group leader asked everyone about summer vacations. This lady told about hers, then ended with, "I've been meaning to ask...." and completely changed the subject. Later, I got accused of being shy for not telling about my summer vacation! If I had more classes with her, I think I would ask the leader to help keep us on track. Does your book club have a designated leader? We have one person who starts us off and throws out questions to keep us talking. She also will research subjects that come up in out books to give us more depth. If you have someone like this, they could gently say something like, "Thanks, Lydia, let's see what Pam has to say about this." whenever Lydia gets on a roll. You could also take a vote on changing the book selection method if you know everyone else is on the same page. Then, when they bring it up, just say, "Sorry, we already voted on that. Now..." |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 29, 2017 17:39:09 GMT
There's something totally wonky in your settings, your font is really hard to read. I don't use readers, but was wishing for them.
Anyhow, if this is someone you don't have any other interaction with - I'd ghost them. We've had a few people "fall" off our email distribution list. If she went a whole year without showing up, she probably wouldn't even notice. I don't feel I have some fundamental obligation to always invite someone just because they showed up one time. If she doesn't fit in, just don't invite her.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 29, 2017 17:42:45 GMT
I'd be upfront with her and say she and her friend don't fit the group. Feel free to bring up the drinking!
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 29, 2017 17:44:22 GMT
So, she is one of the original 14? Does that mean she came at the beginning, then quit and returned after a year? Did you have these issues with her in the beginning or has her personality changed drastically in the last year or so?
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 29, 2017 17:47:24 GMT
I usally opt for the straight forward approach. But you all are neighbors. I'd ghost.
If you do tell her I'd just say... the group was meshing really well and now its not. the difference is when you tried to change things. So we are going back to the old way and you and your friend should start your own group.
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 29, 2017 17:47:32 GMT
I would stop serving wine. Then what's the point of book club, lol? Seriously, my book club wouldn't meet without alcohol. I was going to type that but myshelly beat me to it. lol  |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 17:50:21 GMT
I typed it using my work computer. i'll see if i can fix it. i usually use my phone, but it was too long.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Aug 29, 2017 17:55:08 GMT
Last year about a dozen women in my neighborhood started a book club. We found each other using the Nextdoor app. I think we originally had about 14 invited to that first meeting, but two never showed and we've had some drop off (including the woman who started the whole discussion about forming a book club).
I'm all for just telling them it's not going to work and they should find a book club that fits what they are looking for better. I'm probably going to have to be the one that does it (there is one other that could do it also). I looked online, and most book clubs with this problem end up doing the ghosting thing. They tell the members they want out that the club is going on hiatus and just continue without them. I can't figure out if it's better to send an email or wait until the end of the next meeting and do it face to face. On a side note, DH is worried she's going to end up being a nutter and she lives in the neighborhood.
I just sent an email this morning to our original group so we can get a consensus on where we go from here. Has anyone been through this? You and the other person should talk to Lydia about boundaries and that the group has been established and that she & Kitty should form their own group as they want a different way of selecting books for the book club. Good luck. Boundaries can be difficult to establish & maintain. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 17:58:09 GMT
Hopefully I fixed the font issue? It looks normal on my computer.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 18:07:34 GMT
So, she is one of the original 14? Does that mean she came at the beginning, then quit and returned after a year? Did you have these issues with her in the beginning or has her personality changed drastically in the last year or so? Yes she is one of the original 14 that signed up, but she never attended the first meeting (or any meeting until this month). With the exception of two or three, none of us knew each other until the first meeting a year ago. |
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Post by papersilly on Aug 29, 2017 18:08:05 GMT
i hate to say it but i would opt for the ghosting thing. if it's worked for other groups, maybe it will work this time. i'm just not a confrontational person. i'm the kind that hope people get the hint.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 29, 2017 18:16:43 GMT
So, she is one of the original 14? Does that mean she came at the beginning, then quit and returned after a year? Did you have these issues with her in the beginning or has her personality changed drastically in the last year or so? Yes she is one of the original 14 that signed up, but she never attended the first meeting (or any meeting until this month). With the exception of two or three, none of us knew each other until the first meeting a year ago. Gotcha. |
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Aug 29, 2017 18:20:06 GMT
How did she become aware of the clubs current meeting day/time/place? Is there a fb page or something she is a member of? If so, how would you ghost her? I think just be upfront, perhaps tell her everyone is comfortable with the vibe of the group from the last year and adding new members (which she is, even though she was an "original" interested party) seems to change that vibe, sorry.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 18:31:26 GMT
How did she become aware of the clubs current meeting day/time/place? Is there a fb page or something she is a member of? If so, how would you ghost her? I think just be upfront, perhaps tell her everyone is comfortable with the vibe of the group from the last year and adding new members (which she is, even though she was an "original" interested party) seems to change that vibe, sorry. We communicate via email only. We didn't drop any of the original 14 from the email list unless they requested to be dropped, so everyone gets the emails with the book name and time and place for the next meeting. We don't use Facebook because not everyone uses it. Other than Facebook, what are free options for a group to meet privately online (for free, because we're already funding the wine and food)? I think some research is in my future. We don't have a leader. The host for the meeting is the discussion leader. I see the benefits of ghosting and the less confrontational of our group are all for it. I'd at least like to send them an email and let them know we don't think our group is a good fit for them. I agree our vibe was working for 10 months and now they've put a wrench in the works. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 29, 2017 18:48:16 GMT
well duh. Proboards...
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 29, 2017 18:51:51 GMT
May I ask how you choose books? How does she want them picked? I know it doesn't matter, but I am just curious.
Perhaps you should just implement a "voting" policy and take a vote when Lydia suggests something new. She'll get the idea soon enough. If you feel like you must confront her, and this really is the best idea I think, tell her in private at the end of a meeting (walk her to her car with another lady from your group), and politely tell her it just hasn't been a good fit. The end.
Good luck. These kinds of things are not fun.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 29, 2017 18:52:05 GMT
You could just have a temporary "Dry" rule. Do both Kitty and Lidia drink? It could be announced that due to a recent 'unfortunate over imbibing' by one of the members the book club will now be alcohol free. including no BYOB or "before club" drinking. That should send them scurrying. And if they object, then tell them they need to find themselves another club. Then celebrate! With wine of course.  |
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schizo319
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Post by schizo319 on Aug 29, 2017 18:55:28 GMT
I like this approach. Yes, you'd have to "suffer" through one more potentially miserable book club meeting, but you could honestly say you tried. She may surprise you and just stop coming, especially if she's embarrassed by her drunkeness and/or pissed because she didn't get her way about changing the way you select books. This may very well work itself out. Hi Lydia - as much as we'd all like to include everyone in our book club, sometimes personalities don't mesh well. The first time you came, you brought someone else and you both tried - on your very first time - to change our established rules. The second time, you drank too much and had to be taken home. This last time you [were in any way obnoxious] and at this point, you need to find a book club that better fits what you're looking for. Slightly off topic but not: How do you guys make your selections for book club? I've always wanted to do a book club! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2017 20:03:47 GMT
I would stop serving wine. Blasphemy! |
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