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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 19, 2017 3:07:26 GMT
I am in absolutely no position to give advice. My son is off to college in a few days and I worry to a point. Also, I am getting sad, because I know I'm going to miss the heck out of him. Though I must remember that I wasn't perfect in college, but I survived. He will, too. He seems to have good common sense, but he's also a normal college kid. The world won't fall apart if he drinks a beer. I'm sending him off after doing the best job I can, mistakes and all. I'm worried for him, but I'm happier for him than I am worried.
Try and celebrate your dd's milestone. Encourage her with positivity and support her. Don't wrap your worry around her. When she's really anxious encourage her to rely on campus resources. Worrying about what could happen won't make it not happen. It'll just make your life miserable. She got into college. She must have done something right. So did you. We're going to worry, because that is what mom's do. If it becomes overwhelming don't be afraid to seek help.
FYI-this advice was dispensed by a mega worrier who has learned to control her worry as much as possible. I understand you.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Sept 19, 2017 4:10:37 GMT
It gets better. You've done a good job raising her and trust she'll continue to make good choices. I've been very impressed with my dd and her friends when going out...they look out for each other and never leave a woman behind. Girls these days are often wiser than we give them credit for and they take care of themselves pretty well.
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Post by betsyg on Sept 20, 2017 1:00:18 GMT
DD #1 started college this fall. She is living on campus but only about 45 minutes away. She struggles with anxiety and didn't venture out much the first week or so because she doesn't like eyes on her / people watching her. She is now three weeks in (not including the Harvey week that school was closed) and she seems to be finding her tribe, including some folks she was acquainted with in high school. Venturing out more including a frat party, the football game and an after party. 😯 For the record, she is super responsible. Good kid, never in trouble in high school, good grades, good driver, never one to be pushed by peers, etc. Almost an old soul. She likes to dance and chat with people but has little patience with childish shenanigans. Despite our discussions about it, I'm fairly certain that said experiences have included a small amount of alcohol. She assures me that she never goes our with solid wing men and women, and the girls in particular keep an eye on each other and don't put up with any nonsense. So I trust my daughter (as much as you can trust an almost 19 year old) but of course I worry about ensuring she continues to make good decisions. And of course I worry about other people and the things I can't control. My question is, does this worry (which is almost crushing my soul) ever abate? I feel like I am going to be anxious about it until the end of time and I, of course, cannot live like this forever. I realize that it is specifically my issue, not my daughter's, so maybe my question is more about coping strategies until the anxiety meter goes down a few notches? She's very open with me and we keep in touch so I don't think it's fair to ask her to text me every 5 minutes letting her know she's OK.  Help me out experienced ones! My daughter is also at U of H. She is a great kid who is doing well settling in after the rough start with the hurricane. She stayed through the week. We live in SA. She lives in CV2. She also suffers from anxiety and has taken it upon herself to find a new therapist in the Houston area. I'm proud of her for continuing to be responsible for her mental health. Anyway, I hope our girls cross paths. It sounds like they might be in the same tribe. |
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260 
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 20, 2017 1:05:56 GMT
DD #1 started college this fall. She is living on campus but only about 45 minutes away. She struggles with anxiety and didn't venture out much the first week or so because she doesn't like eyes on her / people watching her. She is now three weeks in (not including the Harvey week that school was closed) and she seems to be finding her tribe, including some folks she was acquainted with in high school. Venturing out more including a frat party, the football game and an after party. 😯 For the record, she is super responsible. Good kid, never in trouble in high school, good grades, good driver, never one to be pushed by peers, etc. Almost an old soul. She likes to dance and chat with people but has little patience with childish shenanigans. Despite our discussions about it, I'm fairly certain that said experiences have included a small amount of alcohol. She assures me that she never goes our with solid wing men and women, and the girls in particular keep an eye on each other and don't put up with any nonsense. So I trust my daughter (as much as you can trust an almost 19 year old) but of course I worry about ensuring she continues to make good decisions. And of course I worry about other people and the things I can't control. My question is, does this worry (which is almost crushing my soul) ever abate? I feel like I am going to be anxious about it until the end of time and I, of course, cannot live like this forever. I realize that it is specifically my issue, not my daughter's, so maybe my question is more about coping strategies until the anxiety meter goes down a few notches? She's very open with me and we keep in touch so I don't think it's fair to ask her to text me every 5 minutes letting her know she's OK. Help me out experienced ones! My daughter is also at U of H. She is a great kid who is doing well settling in after the rough start with the hurricane. She stayed through the week. We live in SA. She lives in CV2. She also suffers from anxiety and has taken it upon herself to find a new therapist in the Houston area. I'm proud of her for continuing to be responsible for her mental health. Anyway, I hope our girls cross paths. It sounds like they might be in the same tribe. Awww! I wish I had known. I would have taken her in with mine. I told mine to leave campus just because I knew people would be confined to the building and food service would be lacking. Something that (at the time) I thought would have made her anxiety high. But she jumped in when she returned and made friends, so maybe staying would have been better. What does your DD major in? I assume she hasn't been going to any frat parties? LOL |
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Post by jewelie121 on Sept 20, 2017 1:19:07 GMT
My son is a freshman this year at a college 5 hours away, and a young freshman at that - he won't turn 18 until February. I really haven't worried as much as I thought I would, but I think it's because he calls me every day. I didn't tell him he had to, but I love that he does. Some days we talk for a while and other days it's just a few minutes while he's walking to or from a class, but just hearing his voice assures me that he's ok. We also text some, but that isn't daily. I'm sure the first time he doesn't call me I'll be in a slight panic, but I know that day will come and I'm mentally preparing myself for it now. LOl!
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Post by peasapie on Sept 20, 2017 1:19:57 GMT
Honestly, I wasn't "worried" when my kids were in college. Are they going to occasionally have a drink? Yes. Make a mistake? Yes. Should you stay in touch with them to be sure they have the advice and support they need? Yes.
But -- now is their time to find their footing and develop their own wings. No amount of you worrying is going to keep her safe, so you need to get control of that and instead think about what you are going to do with yourself now that you are no longer responsible for her safety every minute of the day. You can survive this, mama!
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
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Post by mlana on Sept 20, 2017 1:29:37 GMT
My DD graduated college in May. Before she left for school, I asked her to do 2 things - keep Find my Friends active on her phone and text me a 'k' each night when she got home. She knew that I would never try to make her feel guilty, but I have anxiety and knowing she was safe each night calmed it down. For my sake she was more than willing to do this.
She decided after a couple weeks at school that she would text me where she was going out and with whom, just in case. I never judged or made any comment on where she went.
I went off on a trip with my Mom during the time DD was in college. She asked me to text her a 'k' each night when we were back at the hotel. LOL It's nice that she saw this as having each other's back, rather than being stalked by Mom.
Marcy
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Post by betsyg on Sept 20, 2017 3:04:24 GMT
My daughter is also at U of H. Â She is a great kid who is doing well settling in after the rough start with the hurricane. She stayed through the week. We live in SA. She lives in CV2. She also suffers from anxiety and has taken it upon herself to find a new therapist in the Houston area. I'm proud of her for continuing to be responsible for her mental health. Anyway, I hope our girls cross paths. It sounds like they might be in the same tribe. Awww! I wish I had known. I would have taken her in with mine. I told mine to leave campus just because I knew people would be confined to the building and food service would be lacking. Something that (at the time) I thought would have made her anxiety high. But she jumped in when she returned and made friends, so maybe staying would have been better. What does your DD major in? I assume she hasn't been going to any frat parties? LOLÂ She actually didn't want to leave. She had opportunities. She is a creative writing major and I think she used the quiet time to work on her writing. She was ok until her birthday. I went over on Sunday if Labor Day weekend to take her a cake and get her off campus to a movie and to shop. She is definitely not a frat party kind of girl though her roommate just went through rush. She and her suite mates get along great which I'm super thankful for, but Greek life is not in her wheel house. She's happy and that makes me worry less. Now, her twin brother, who is at the university of Nebraska...he makes me worry. Ha! |
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Post by pretzels on Sept 20, 2017 10:23:05 GMT
TBH, I was thrilled to leave my DS at college. We had just experienced TS Harvey, our town had no power, my neighborhood was basically impassable, and his father had four adults and two dogs living in a small 3-bedroom house (his parents, grandmother and aunt had total losses on their homes).
His father and I had to move heaven and earth to get him there -- I-10 was closed both ways and we had to figure out a way to get there from our town.
I was happy Kyle wasn't here to have to deal with the aftermath. That eased my anxiety and so I didn't pass it along to him. He's doing great. If there is a kid who enjoys college more than him, I'd be surprised.
So, no real advice. Maybe if you find something else to focus on, you won't be as worried about your daughter.
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Post by pelirroja on Sept 20, 2017 11:29:08 GMT
You've raised a good kid and you have said she's a responsible old soul. So, you're going to have to trust that she has the tools to make good decisions and the ability to choose good people to surround herself with. Your DD is going to base her anxiety level on your anxiety level: remember when she fell of the swings as a toddler, turned to you to see whether or not she should cry or climb back on the swing? You smiled and waved for her to try again so she tried again. Well, college is a lot like that for us Moms. Smile and wave, even if your heart is fluttering 100 mph and you feel like you can't even. Smile and wave and encourage her. She is building her new circle of friends and some of those friends might someday be her family (or tribe or squad or whatever word kids use nowadays).
You might be worried, "What happens if she makes a mistake?" I guarantee you, she WILL make mistakes but from those mistakes she will learn life lessons that will serve her well over the next several decades. All of us make mistakes and experiential learning is the best teacher. I don't know of anyone over 35 who doesn't have a battle scar of some sort, but most of us don't make the same mistake twice. So when mistakes happen (and they will), keep in mind, it is her life and she is the one who pays the price (good or bad) for her decisions. She is the one who gets to write the story of her life, for better or worse, because she is the one who pays the consequences or celebrates the triumph. You can cheer (or cry) from the sidelines, but ultimately it is up to her.
As far as when does the worry stop? Never. My 85 year old Grandma used to call my 60 year old Mom DAILY just to check and see if she was OK. So I'm guessing it never ends. As far as college goes, each year it gets easier as she learns to navigate social situations, bad roommates, challenging profs, part-time jobs, etc.
When butterflies emerge from their chrysalis, they rest on a branch and gently fold and unfold their wings for quite some time before they actually attempt flight. Remember, butterflies started out as walking caterpillars, no wings, completely different than what they become after emerging. College is a chrysalis and your little butterfly will be just fine.
So, instead of driving yourself crazy with worry, use this time of your life to do something like volunteer, take a class, learn something new, maybe decide on a part-time job of something you want to do, etc. Good luck!
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 20, 2017 12:38:56 GMT
Yeah, you worry.
I told my dd a few things... the most important was that if she got in a situation where she needed us, to call. We would not yell and we would come. We might discuss the next day. She used this twice. The first time was when she over embibed and the second time was when she went to a party out of town with friends and the friends abandoned her in a house filled with guys she did not know. Her friends were amazed she would call her parents, but she trusted us.
The second tthing I told her iwas not to let guys buy her shots..... there was one reason a guy wants a girl to get drunk fast
and it's not a good one.
I also reminded her that under age drinking was illegal. I knew that we're not stop a college student.
She learned through experience that the advice was good.
My DD do not drink in high school. I knew from my own experience the drinking in college was very likely.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 20, 2017 12:49:03 GMT
My DD graduated college in May. Before she left for school, I asked her to do 2 things - keep Find my Friends active on her phone and text me a 'k' each night when she got home. She knew that I would never try to make her feel guilty, but I have anxiety and knowing she was safe each night calmed it down. For my sake she was more than willing to do this. She decided after a couple weeks at school that she would text me where she was going out and with whom, just in case. I never judged or made any comment on where she went. I went off on a trip with my Mom during the time DD was in college. She asked me to text her a 'k' each night when we were back at the hotel. LOL It's nice that she saw this as having each other's back, rather than being stalked by Mom. Marcy I love this for so many reasons. |
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Post by maryland on Sept 20, 2017 15:31:49 GMT
It sounds like you raised a great kid! I think it's normal for parents to always worry about our sons and daughters. My mother in law is always checking up on my husband! My daughter is also a great kid, and as a junior at college 5 hrs. away, she goes to frat parties and I bet has had alcohol. She never went out in high school, but she met her people in college! They have a group of boys and girls that were on the same floor freshman year and they often go out together. They all watch out for and take care of each other. They girls look out for the boys just as much as the other way around. They are hard working kids that study a lot, then go out to football games and parties on the weekend. We are just happy that she has finally made good friends (and a boyfriend!), is doing great in school and is happy! I try to think of the good instead of worrying. And I worry about odd things that others don't (like her falling out of her high loft her freshman year, or getting stuck in an elevator, or oversleeping when she has an exam)  ! |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 16:04:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2017 17:48:44 GMT
My question is, does this worry (which is almost crushing my soul) ever abate? I feel like I am going to be anxious about it until the end of time and I, of course, cannot live like this forever. I realize that it is specifically my issue, not my daughter's, so maybe my question is more about coping strategies until the anxiety meter goes down a few notches? She's very open with me and we keep in touch so I don't think it's fair to ask her to text me every 5 minutes letting her know she's OK. Help me out experienced ones! consider whether you may need to be mediated for anxiety at this time and see a therapist to talk through this change of life. Then my next advice is find something to occupy your mind (most important) and wear you out physically (secondary importance) If your mind is busy thinking of something else you can't be thinking about what is going on with your dd. The year I had one son as a Marine in Afghanistan and the other son working as a US contractor doing security in Iraq while both were very volatile places was my worst year for anxiety. I worked full time and took 9 credit hours at college so I had very very little down time to think about what was going on in the world. I also avoided news sources about Iraq/Afgh. If you are reading message boards about university life that feeds into your anxiety consider taking a break from them as well. |
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