keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 18, 2017 16:22:08 GMT
DD #1 started college this fall. She is living on campus but only about 45 minutes away. She struggles with anxiety and didn't venture out much the first week or so because she doesn't like eyes on her / people watching her. She is now three weeks in (not including the Harvey week that school was closed) and she seems to be finding her tribe, including some folks she was acquainted with in high school. Venturing out more including a frat party, the football game and an after party. 😯 For the record, she is super responsible. Good kid, never in trouble in high school, good grades, good driver, never one to be pushed by peers, etc. Almost an old soul. She likes to dance and chat with people but has little patience with childish shenanigans. Despite our discussions about it, I'm fairly certain that said experiences have included a small amount of alcohol. She assures me that she never goes our with solid wing men and women, and the girls in particular keep an eye on each other and don't put up with any nonsense. So I trust my daughter (as much as you can trust an almost 19 year old) but of course I worry about ensuring she continues to make good decisions. And of course I worry about other people and the things I can't control. My question is, does this worry (which is almost crushing my soul) ever abate? I feel like I am going to be anxious about it until the end of time and I, of course, cannot live like this forever. I realize that it is specifically my issue, not my daughter's, so maybe my question is more about coping strategies until the anxiety meter goes down a few notches? She's very open with me and we keep in touch so I don't think it's fair to ask her to text me every 5 minutes letting her know she's OK. Help me out experienced ones!
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 18, 2017 16:27:46 GMT
I'm only a couple of years ahead of you and going to say the worry never goes away. I'm glad to hear your DD is settling into college life.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,329
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Sept 18, 2017 16:37:45 GMT
Worrying about your kids never really goes away, but it does get easier. As your DD settles into her new life at college you will begin to settle into your new life with her not at home. I'm sure you are so happy for her to be doing so well?!?
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 18, 2017 16:40:23 GMT
If you can't learn to control your anxiety, how will she learn to control hers? She is doing normal college stuff, which considering your last post about her, you should be thrilled. Don't stifle her ability to become an adult and build her confidence and social skills.
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 18, 2017 16:45:46 GMT
Worrying about your kids never really goes away, but it does get easier. As your DD settles into her new life at college you will begin to settle into your new life with her not at home. I'm sure you are so happy for her to be doing so well?!? I'm thrilled! But I need to reassure myself that she's doing all the right things without her having to be the reassuring person. That's not her job, it's mine. I guess I have to have faith I did OK raising her.
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Post by auntkelly on Sept 18, 2017 16:47:11 GMT
I still worry about my kids and they are a few years' older than your daughter.
My son is 25 and he recently started law school. I texted him Saturday night about a college football game and he mentioned that he was watching it with some classmates.
I was so happy to hear he was socializing w/ his classmates, I almost cried for joy, even though he's never really had a hard time making friends.
My guess is that you never really do stop worrying about your kids.
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 18, 2017 16:47:48 GMT
If you can't learn to control your anxiety, how will she learn to control hers? She is doing normal college stuff, which considering your last post about her, you should be thrilled. Don't stifle her ability to become an adult and build her confidence and social skills. She's not aware of my anxiety. I take care to not let her see it because I know it wouldn't help her. My mother was borderline paranoid with worry and I was the one having to assuage her fears. I never wanted that for my daughter so I've worked on helping her cope with her anxiety and kept mine off the radar.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Sept 18, 2017 16:54:04 GMT
I'll be honest, no it never ends. I now have college aged grandchildren and I worry them and their parents. I haven't found any coping skills that help much. As you see them make good choices, it does get a little easier. That's why grandmas all have gray hair.
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sophikins
Full Member
Posts: 239
Aug 30, 2014 15:12:27 GMT
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Post by sophikins on Sept 18, 2017 16:55:26 GMT
The worry never goes away.
Instead of constantly calling or texting I send my dd's Snapchats of things I see, what I am doing etc. Snapchat shows when someone opens your photo. That is all I need to see, then I know they are at least alive and safe enough to open an app, without me having to specifically ask if they are okay.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Sept 18, 2017 17:01:21 GMT
As you see them make good choices, it does get a little easier. This is what I have found as well. DD is almost 30 (ack! I feel old writing that!) and there is always that bit of worry/concern in the back of my mind. However, I've found that as she has matured and gotten settled into her adult life I don't worry as much. Now her father is another story. I swear he is going to drive me nuts with all of his questions, worrying and nitpicking her decisions (to me, not her). Just last week I had to point out some of the stupid things he did in his 20's. I hope that she continues to settle in well, and that you are able to find a way to cope and adjust to this new phase in life as a mom.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Sept 18, 2017 17:14:15 GMT
Please for the sake of your daughter and the people around you, take a step back. I would recommend that you see a therapist about your constant worry, as this isn't normal, per say.
My friend insists that her 28 year old daughter texts her everyday. This is nuts, too me. How can this grown woman ever have her own life, by having to have her mother always in the background.
Your child was given roots & wings. You gave her the roots, now let her spread her wings. Most life lessons have been made due to a failure and then recovering from this failure to do better the next time. PLEASE LET GO!
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Post by hop2 on Sept 18, 2017 17:21:59 GMT
NO! And every so often something will happen usually to someone else and it will bring all the worry right back home as it's too close for comfort!!
My oldest is a junior and I was just beginning to get used to her being in college and and 'adult' and being independent.Then Jenna Burleigh went missing in Philly doing nothing at all wring or out of the ordinary and it actually made me ill. My there by the grace of god or the universe goes mine moment for sure.
You get used to it but it's still there inside. Your smiling and encouraging them and then praying like crazy for their safety in your head. Or at least that's how I've been dealing with it.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 18, 2017 17:25:27 GMT
The worry never goes away. Instead of constantly calling or texting I send my dd's Snapchats of things I see, what I am doing etc. Snapchat shows when someone opens your photo. That is all I need to see, then I know they are at least alive and safe enough to open an app, without me having to specifically ask if they are okay. yup, this is exactly what I do- snap chat
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Sept 18, 2017 17:28:39 GMT
If you can't learn to control your anxiety, how will she learn to control hers? She is doing normal college stuff, which considering your last post about her, you should be thrilled. Don't stifle her ability to become an adult and build her confidence and social skills. She's not aware of my anxiety. I take care to not let her see it because I know it wouldn't help her. My mother was borderline paranoid with worry and I was the one having to assuage her fears. I never wanted that for my daughter so I've worked on helping her cope with her anxiety and kept mine off the radar. I highly doubt she is not aware of your anxiety.
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,260
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 18, 2017 17:30:30 GMT
Please for the sake of your daughter and the people around you, take a step back. I would recommend that you see a therapist about your constant worry, as this isn't normal, per say. My friend insists that her 28 year old daughter texts her everyday. This is nuts, too me. How can this grown woman ever have her own life, by having to have her mother always in the background. Your child was given roots & wings. You gave her the roots, now let her spread her wings. Most life lessons have been made due to a failure and then recovering from this failure to do better the next time. PLEASE LET GO! I don't insist she text everyday nor does she. She usually initiates contact unless I have something that she needs to know and it can't wait. But that is rare.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 19:05:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2017 17:31:36 GMT
It is all being that creature called a mom.
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Post by jumperhop on Sept 18, 2017 17:51:34 GMT
You've got to let her go so she can grow. How is she going to learn to be a successful adult unless she stumbles and picks herself up?
Jen
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Post by littlemama on Sept 18, 2017 18:11:05 GMT
All you can do is give her safety guidelines - Never accept a drink from someone else, carry a cup with a lid that you can put your drink in, so no one can tamper with it, don't take your eyes off your drink - if you do, dump and refill, drink in moderation, and stay smart. Beyond that, you have to trust that she will make good choices.
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Post by FLA SummerBaby on Sept 18, 2017 18:21:39 GMT
You will be ok. It doesn't "go away" completely but it does get better with time as you know that she has become settled in her new life, new friendships, new town, etc. And yes Snapchat is a fun and easy way to keep things simple but have some level of participation in her daily life. Trust that you have done a great job getting her to this point!!
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Sept 18, 2017 18:28:08 GMT
I think it's kind of a 2-step thing.
First of all be sure that you leave nothing unsaid about some of the dangers of college life. Yeah, yeah, everyone is telling you to step back and I agree, BUT FIRST our kids need to know our feelings on certain things. I guess this is fresh on my mind because of the death of the fraternity pledge at Penn State. I find the whole thing so disturbing, first of all because of the amount of alcohol ingested, but most of all that NO ONE looked out for Tim Piazza enough to simply pick up their phone and dial 911 until it was much too late. My heart aches for his parents, and if one of my kids was one who turned their back on someone clearly in trouble like that I would be devastated. So even though we all spend the first 18 years of their lives teaching our kids right from wrong, certain things need to be stressed before sending them off - such as watching out for ourselves and each other.
After we feel confident that we've conveyed what is important that they know, all that is really left is for us to pray and trust that we've done our jobs as best as we knew how. I remember certain stupid things I did in college and they were simply stupid, stupid choices OF MINE. I don't know that my parents could have done anything different to make me make every decision a wise one. As moms we will always worry some, but for our own mental health we need to let certain things go and realize that our kids are adults and have a right to grow into themselves. With that said, obviously a lifetime of good communication is a wonderful thing so that our kids know they can always come to us for advice or support.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 18, 2017 18:30:19 GMT
The worry never goes away. Instead of constantly calling or texting I send my dd's Snapchats of things I see, what I am doing etc. Snapchat shows when someone opens your photo. That is all I need to see, then I know they are at least alive and safe enough to open an app, without me having to specifically ask if they are okay. yup, this is exactly what I do- snap chat YES~! Snapchat is about the only way I can get a response out of my 16 year old some days. A random weird picture of our dog always gets a response... And the "read" on iPhones. My daughter is 24. She has lived away from home since she started college at 18. We've always communicated very very well, and I absolutely trust her decision making and responsibility. That said, I know what I did in my early 20's lol and I'm sure she's not an angel either. But, she maintains school and a job, and people really really like her- so what more can I ask? Over the years, she's confided some things that I really really would have been freaked out if I'd known about them at the time, but I've had to accept that she's an adult and as such, she gets to make her choices. Right now she's dealing with a situation that she helped create, and I wish I could swoop down and make it all better for her. But then again, she's going to come out of it stronger, she always does.
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Post by debmast on Sept 18, 2017 18:55:03 GMT
I think it's the nature of being a mom to worry!
My oldest is a senior in college - and the college she chose is 500+ miles away. I was a bit freaked out at first. My husband reminded me that we spent the first 18 years getting her ready for this and that she was ready.
She does keep in touch with me frequently. But she is a full time student, has a part time job, is in a sorority, and does volunteer work. So she's busy. Not to mention parties, football games, etc.
The first year I worried more, but she showed us that she is able to handle her own life, so while I don't think a mom ever stops worrying, it has lessened and I trust her to make good decisions.
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Post by flanz on Sept 18, 2017 19:19:39 GMT
Please for the sake of your daughter and the people around you, take a step back. I would recommend that you see a therapist about your constant worry, as this isn't normal, per say. My friend insists that her 28 year old daughter texts her everyday. This is nuts, too me. How can this grown woman ever have her own life, by having to have her mother always in the background. Your child was given roots & wings. You gave her the roots, now let her spread her wings. Most life lessons have been made due to a failure and then recovering from this failure to do better the next time. PLEASE LET GO! First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on the job you have done in raising your dd to this point, and to your daughter who, despite her anxiety, seems to be adjusting well to her new life at college. It is a huge transition. I don't want to sound harsh but I agree with the main sentiment in this post. I was raised in a very stressful situation and had a great deal of anxiety as a kid/teen. I was very shy too, had little/no confidence. At 56, our kids are 27 and 29. While my mom "held the apron strings" very tightly, I promised myself I would not do that to our children. I am very proud of the fact that the "letting go" happened while they were in high school, giving them age appropriate responsibilities. They did not have cell phones for much of high school and I didn't know where they were every minute. When our son, then our daughter, went to college (FAR away), we asked them to call home once a week, on Sunday evenings, at first. Part of me wanted to know how their days were going, how they were feeling, of course I did. But I sat back and let them reach out to us. I think it is essential to give our teens growing into adulthood the space to make their own decisions, make mistakes and fix them, etc. If they know they have your love and support, then it's time to give them the space and breathing room to live life and figure out who they are. Both of our kids have been very independent and are thriving in the world, following very untraditional career paths. They are very happy too. For your own health and sanity, I hope you'll find the coping skills you need during this time of transition. You wrote yourself, TRUST that you have "raised her right" and that you've done a huge part of your job. Now it's her time to fly while you figure out how to derive more joy and fulfillment from your life that does not come from your role as her mom. I believe you can and you will! (((HUGS in the meantime!))) Oh, one thing we did was to start an Empty Nester's group with other friends whose nests were newly empty. 4 couples and we took turns hosting dinner once every 4-6 weeks.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,602
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 18, 2017 19:22:29 GMT
It gets better. Eventually you worry more when they are home than when they are away because you don't really know what they are doing.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Sept 18, 2017 20:33:44 GMT
I too, don't think it will ever go away but it lessens/becomes less frequent.
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Post by gar on Sept 18, 2017 22:39:28 GMT
I had to make a mental decision not to let my mind 'go there' I had to very firmly distract myself or start actively thinking about something else when my thoughts drifted to where she was or what she might be doing. I just realised I had to for my sanity - I could not spend 3 years being that anxious. It got easier as the weeks went by but as a mum I do think we are pretty much destined to always have them and their happiness/wellbeing in our minds to some degree.
I gave my youngest a book called The Gift of Fear and made her promise to read it and then I loved every time I saw her post something on Facebook or whatever (this was a few years ago) and I gave myself a good talking to if things started building up in my mind. I was fine 90% of the time and if I really felt anxious I messaged her. I allowed myself that. I didn't say I wa worrying but just a casual chit chat message. She cares about me too and didn't begrudge that at all , nor did it stunt her emotional wellbeing 😏
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,422
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Sept 18, 2017 23:18:30 GMT
I am not a clingy hovering mom, nor do I need to know what my kids (18 & 22) are doing every minute of the day - but they both know that when we are travelling, or right now with my dd living out of province, I do expect a text everyday. I am the one that will usually text them first - "are you still alive today" (and they both know to take that in the joking tone that it is intended) - and sometimes all I get is "yup" and then we wish each other a good day & thats it. But funny enough, my kids are both incredibly independent & social people, and yet when I'm not with them they both tend to text me frequently & get really chatty. When we live in the same house we barely talk, but texting in different cities & we stay in touch LOL
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,500
Member is Online
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Sept 18, 2017 23:55:21 GMT
I thought about my daughter a lot those first couple months of school and after that I just got used to it.
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Post by txdancermom on Sept 19, 2017 1:36:42 GMT
Mom to two grown children, and no, you will always worry about them and want the best for them. You have to trust that you have given them the "tools" and skills they need to function in the wider world, and spread their wings. Mine have "flown" one is married and about to make me a grandma, the other is about to be married. neither live nearby and I worry about them.
My father did the same to me, he always saw me as his little girl that he had to protect, up until his passing. I remember one time he was worried about some place I was going and my step mom told him not to worry I was a big girl and could take care of myself! It didn't work
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Post by jackietex on Sept 19, 2017 2:55:07 GMT
My two youngest (23 and 19) suffer from periodic anxiety and depression. I think I will always worry, although I believe I handle it better, and with better perspective, than I did than when they were in high school. Ds, who is at UH, had me very concerned the first week of school, but I never felt he was suicidal or anything, so I just prepared for the possibility of him just leaving and coming home. I don't know what I would have done if I genuinely felt he was in danger.
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