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Post by mom on Sept 19, 2017 21:11:03 GMT
My boys are very close to their paternal grandparents. Grand dad (lets call him GranBen) has been hospitalized for a week being treated for pneumonia. DS1 goes to see him every day or so to check on him.
DS1 (18) lives with me & has no relationship with his dad. They haven't talked in months, no holidays, no talking even when they bump into each other at the hospital.
Today I found out that GranBen has lung cancer. DS knows GranBen has pneumonia but no one has said cancer could be a possibility.
I found out about the cancer because my dad and called the hospital to check on GranBen. They were co-workers and have always maintained a respectful friendly relationship, even after I divorced their son.
GranBen told my dad that he had been diagnosed with cancer earlier today. They haven't told him how advanced it is.
Who should tell my son (18) about this? Do I since I know? Do I send DS to the hospital for his visit as planned and let them tell him? He will be blind sighted. In the past, xDH has left DS out of other important information so I cannot count on him to tell DS.
Do I act like I don't know and say nothing? Do I causally mention that maybe its something more than pneumonia? My son is very sensitive and caring. This will be a huge deal to him.
DS2 splits his time between xDH house and mine, so I know he will be told by his dad.
Update: I talked with DS1 and basically told him that PaPaw (my dad) had spoken with GranBen and told him the news. I told my son I didn't know all the details other than what PaPaw told me. Son is going to go take a shower and then go see GranBen and talk with him - not telling him he already knows. DS1 and I talked about how it isn't an automatic death sentence and how until we know more after testing then we will have a better idea of his prognosis. I offered to go with him to the hospital but he wants to do this himself.
I have called DS2 to talk with him but he is still in practice and will call me back later. I will give his dad a chance to talk with him first.
Thanks for the advice.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 19, 2017 21:15:55 GMT
If I was faced with this information, I would tell DS. I'd tell him what I know, how I found out and how deeply sorry I was.
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Post by summer on Sept 19, 2017 21:20:39 GMT
I think you should tell your son, that way he isn't blind sighted and he'll be prepared when he sees his grandfather.
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Post by pondrunner on Sept 19, 2017 21:22:57 GMT
I think your son is old enough to have all the information you have and you should tell him so that you know that he has received the message.
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Post by cmpeter on Sept 19, 2017 21:34:56 GMT
I would absolutely tell my son.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 19, 2017 21:38:45 GMT
I would absolutely tell him now that you know. I would be direct and honest that you have limited information and hopefully he'll learn more directly from his grandfather when he visits him.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 19, 2017 21:40:40 GMT
I would also make sure that your other son knows. I know you mentioned your ex will tell him, but I'd make sure he tells him SOON - so that he doesn't hear about it from someone else (like DS1).
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 19, 2017 21:41:20 GMT
I agree with the others, i'd tell your ds. I'd want to be there to give him some support when he finds out.
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Post by epeanymous on Sept 19, 2017 21:46:14 GMT
I would tell my son unless I have been asked to keep the information confidential.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 18:08:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2017 21:48:44 GMT
Tell him. He's old enough to know and you don't want him to put you in the same category as your ex by withholding info.
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Post by gramasue on Sept 19, 2017 21:59:14 GMT
You should tell him, and as soon as possible. He is an adult and if he's that close to his GranBen, he will want the truth and is entitled to it. I'm sorry to hear that your family has received this news; it's never easy when a close family member faces this horrible disease.
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Post by Zee on Sept 19, 2017 22:11:18 GMT
I'll be the odd man out. I think this is GranBen's news to tell. If he doesn't tell DS on his next visit, maybe you could call exDH or GranBen or have your dad ask if you can break it to your son, but I wouldn't do it without knowing GB's wishes.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 19, 2017 22:22:21 GMT
I'll be the odd man out. I think this is GranBen's news to tell. If he doesn't tell DS on his next visit, maybe you could call exDH or GranBen or have your dad ask if you can break it to your son, but I wouldn't do it without knowing GB's wishes. I didn't get any sense that the news was shared in confidence. I am extremely sensitive to people's desire for privacy regarding their medical issues. However, when you tell you son's ex-wife's father - it just doesn't seem real confidential. |
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Post by Zee on Sept 19, 2017 22:25:39 GMT
I'll be the odd man out. I think this is GranBen's news to tell. If he doesn't tell DS on his next visit, maybe you could call exDH or GranBen or have your dad ask if you can break it to your son, but I wouldn't do it without knowing GB's wishes. I didn't get any sense that the news was shared in confidence. I am extremely sensitive to people's desire for privacy regarding their medical issues. However, when you tell you son's ex-wife's father - it just doesn't seem real confidential. He and dad are old friends, she said. And I don't care who else he told, that's his business. Maybe he would like to tell his grandson himself. Maybe he doesn't care. That's why I would ask before I'd share anything so personal. I would have been really annoyed if someone I told about my own cancer had shared that without asking me first. |
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755 
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Post by azredhead on Sept 19, 2017 22:30:21 GMT
yea if it's all just news he needs to know, especially if they're close no matter who it comes from. You just don't know how they may react. Especially with them seeing him. They may be confused or have ?? Kids are smart and pick up on stuff even if you don't tell them. And he's definately old enough. If bond is already there you can just help him and how it handles the news and let him know he can see him etcc. if he can when its needed etc. depending on your arrangments.
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 19, 2017 23:59:19 GMT
Can you call grandben and ask what he would like? That is what I would do asap.
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Post by Really Red on Sept 20, 2017 0:01:15 GMT
Please tell him. It's a hard enough situation that to be blindsided would make it worse, if possible. You love him and he needs to hear it from you.
I'm sorry.
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Post by mom on Sept 20, 2017 0:01:37 GMT
I'll be the odd man out. I think this is GranBen's news to tell. If he doesn't tell DS on his next visit, maybe you could call exDH or GranBen or have your dad ask if you can break it to your son, but I wouldn't do it without knowing GB's wishes. This is the stance my husband took. No way would he want anyone talking about him and his cancer. SaveSave |
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Post by bothmykidsrbrats on Sept 20, 2017 0:14:23 GMT
I'll be the odd man out. I think this is GranBen's news to tell. If he doesn't tell DS on his next visit, maybe you could call exDH or GranBen or have your dad ask if you can break it to your son, but I wouldn't do it without knowing GB's wishes. This is the stance my husband took. No way would he want anyone talking about him and his cancer. SaveSaveWhen my FIL was put on hospice care we (children and adult grandchildren) were never told how much time he had. When he passed, several of his closest friends mentioned how shocked they were that he had been given 6 months and passed in 6 weeks. He shared that information with the people he chose. My MIL, who has never heard a secret she couldn't wait to share, didn't tell us. I would ask GrandBen how he would like to handle it. Sending good thoughts to your boys. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 20, 2017 2:39:11 GMT
I didn't get any sense that the news was shared in confidence. I am extremely sensitive to people's desire for privacy regarding their medical issues. However, when you tell you son's ex-wife's father - it just doesn't seem real confidential. He and dad are old friends, she said. And I don't care who else he told, that's his business. Maybe he would like to tell his grandson himself. Maybe he doesn't care. That's why I would ask before I'd share anything so personal. I would have been really annoyed if someone I told about my own cancer had shared that without asking me first. Actually she said they were ex-colleagues. I don't disagree with you in theory. I do think that some people are extremely private and one SHOULD respect their desire for everyone not to know their business. A relative literally told 7 people he had terminal cancer. Family, coworkers, friends, neighbors - no one was told outside his immediate family, and I doubt he would have told them, if he could have avoided it. I just didn't read the OP as one of those people based on the info given. The prudent thing would probably be to ask the grandfather first. I do think that if the extended family knows, you need to pretty rapidly let the family close to the person know, or it's just an awkward dynamic and unfair for them to be blindsided. |
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