pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843 
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Post by pridemom on Sept 23, 2017 17:07:11 GMT
15yo dear nephew is spending the weekend. He lives with his dad and stepmom. SIL is his mom and spent many years in a bad place, she's now trying to establish good relationships and to be a better mom. Well, the stepmom is a negative and critical person who favors her precious snowflake daughter. Poor dn seems to be depressed and is highly critical of himself. He's been in counseling before, but we are worried about him still. He's kind of like Harry Potter with the Dursley's.
We took him to the high school football game, he's a student there, and he only left our sides to say hello to one person. I told him to feel no obligation to sit with us if he wanted to sit in the student section or walk around with friends, since we usually sit with fellow band parents. His response was that he really doesn't have any friends. My heart sunk.
Talking to Xbil would do no good. He is a cave man that won't listen to anyone about anything. We've known him 24 years and he is an a$$.
We are trying to support dn and are going to talk to his mother about our observations, but I am at a loss. I told DH I am ready to offer to let him live with us, but his father is a control freak and would never agree.
This is probably more of a vent, but I am at a loss with what to do.
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Post by brynn on Sept 23, 2017 17:12:33 GMT
Thank you for supporting and helping DN any way that you can.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 23, 2017 17:14:17 GMT
I'm sorry. That is really tough.
Depending on your relationship with your SIL I would tread carefully.
I think the best you can do is be an awesome aunt and uncle. Take him places, do things with him. Let him know you are proud of him. Do the things his parents should be doing but don't. won't, can't. I know a lot of people who have been "saved" by having that one adult in their life who was their support system.
He is 15 you can also talk to him. Ask him if he would like you to talk to his Mom. Ask him what he needs, just be his safe space.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 23, 2017 17:14:49 GMT
Be the fun aunt/uncle who take him places and affirm him. I think that is the best you can do. Weekend visits when you can.
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 23, 2017 17:22:30 GMT
I wish I had advice for you. I think giving him a safe place is the best you can do right now. Let him know he can talk to you and your dh. I feel so sad for him.
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 23, 2017 17:23:25 GMT
My heart breaks for kids like this.
Continue to do things with him. Fun things, parental things. Continue whem he turns 18 and graduates from high school.
Show him that you love him and will be there for him and let him come over whenever he wants.
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Post by aljack on Sept 23, 2017 17:30:59 GMT
Yep, be the fun aunt all the way. Just be careful not to cross lines as it be devastating for the nephew and yourself. I think these types of parents can turn on you and make the situation worse for your nephew and isolate him from you. I know it’s sad to think but you provide a safe and comfortable life when together. That can make all the difference.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,350
Location: Dallas Texas
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Post by SabrinaP on Sept 23, 2017 17:35:30 GMT
Since it sounds like he goes to the same high school as your kids could you just try to be around him more. Take him to events at the school and invite him over as much as you can.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 22:11:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2017 17:57:45 GMT
Just keep loving DN and offering him a place of refuge to get away when he can. I have a DN in a similar situation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 22:11:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2017 17:59:04 GMT
I feel so sad for him reading your post, especially reading that he told you he had no friends.  I wouldn't say anything to the SIL though. I echo what everyone else has said. Maybe you could instigate and encourage him to stay more often at week-ends with you so you can build his confidence up and let him know someone cares for him. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,618
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 23, 2017 18:00:05 GMT
Poor kid. I agree - keep showing him that he has value in your family. You will make such a difference in his life.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 23, 2017 18:19:02 GMT
I agree with librarylady . Include him in as many things as you can. Be there for him. |
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Post by burningfeather on Sept 23, 2017 18:35:45 GMT
I would guess that if stepmomma is happy, then is dad isn't going to say much and it would probably make her happy to have him at your home as much as possible. You don't say what age your kids are or how having there would impact your family life, but if it's not negative, I would make a place for him in your home, invite him over as often as possible and then let him spend the night or weekend. I'm sure his stepmother will be thrilled to have him out of her house and his dad probably won't give you a lot of grief if his wife is happy about it and you frame it as just joining your family for a day/night of family activities. I would, however, clue his real mom into what is going on and let her know that you are trying to make your home a comfortable and safe place for him until she is ready.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 22:11:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2017 18:47:19 GMT
You know you can gently move him to your home. Outings that you get home to late to drive him home. It a no problem to drive him to school on Monday.
Your husband needs help with major lawn work. His mom needs help with whatever.
Family dinners that he needs to be at.
It took 6 months for my friends to completely move his son into their house. Bio mom never even gave it a second thought when it was done. She didn't care as long as she got her child support.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 22:11:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2017 19:18:15 GMT
Your poor nephew. I agree with inviting him on more outings, weekend sleepovers, etc. For him to know that you care and will be there for him, possibly even tell him that when he turns 18 and can move in, might be what it takes to get him over this difficult period.
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Sept 23, 2017 19:19:06 GMT
Thanks everyone. Its all good advice. At this point, we are going to continue to be his refuge and safe place. He does go to the same high school as my daughters, so we are able to attend school activities. He's involved in the same JROTC program my older two were active in, so I will encourage him in that.
Dh took him to run errands today and they got to talk more. Dh is very concerned and is going to talk to his sister about this. Dh did tell him he needs to be respectful when talking to his stepmom, but can say that speaking badly about his mother to him isn't fair to him as he wants to respect his mom and hos stepmom. We told him to quote the Bible as stepmom claims christianity. Lol. Dh also talked to him about future plans. He's mature enough to see of his three older half siblings, the only successful one is the one who made a plan for the USAF, left, and stayed away. Dh encouraged him to make a plan and we will do what it takes to help.
Don't get me wrong, I am a strong Christian and church member, but she has always come across poorly to me. She works to stir up trouble and from my first meeting with her, before she married xbil, I warned him of that.
Anyway, I appreciate the advice. I was his home daycare provider for his firstt year, and he's always been here regularly. He's just finally talking about this stuff. When his mom was mia, we were the ones who took him to visit the grandparents out of state, made sure he had contact with this side of the family, took him camping, etc. when his little sister was born, we soon saw how she is the golden one and he is the stepchild. He's a reminder of his mother to his father.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Sept 23, 2017 19:35:13 GMT
SIL is his mom and spent many years in a bad place, she's now trying to establish good relationships and to be a better mom. Well, the stepmom is a negative and critical person who favors her precious snowflake daughter. Poor dn seems to be depressed and is highly critical of himself. You mentioned being at a loss but I would be careful of assigning blame about who is at fault with your nephew's depression and self esteem issues. Your thread title presents this as an evil stepmom situation but his mom was MIA for years and as you said "in a bad place" and you said your bil is an ass. Those are huge contributing factors in this situation, probably even more so then the stepmom. You really just need to be there as a listening ear and include him in your families activities. You mentioned you were sitting with the other band parents so I am thinking you have a child relatively the same age as your nephew. Are they close? That might be a huge thing for him, if his cousin is a good and close friend. If the cousin includes him in his/her social activities and stuff they do with their friends. Bring him into his/her circle of school friends. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Sept 23, 2017 19:54:31 GMT
All you can really do is offer him love and build up his self esteem.
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Post by txdancermom on Sept 23, 2017 20:07:07 GMT
Be supportive and make sure he knows he can come to you anytime he needs to.
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Post by destined2bmom on Sept 23, 2017 20:16:02 GMT
Poor guy. I agree with what everyone else has said. I will keep him in my prayers.
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Post by Really Red on Sept 23, 2017 21:05:03 GMT
I'm sorry. I'm seeing a similar situation, but am helpless to do anything because the child is not a family member. All I can say is that if need be, my house is a safe place, but I don't get the interaction like you do. You have such an opportunity here to make a difference. Keep doing what you're doing.
If you get a chance to talk to XBIL, be sure to ASK him if he thought it'd be helpful to HIM if you took him during the school year or whatever you want to do. Make it sound like something you're doing for XBIL and not for DN. I'm sorry. It sounds like this boy has three bad parents to me, but a very good aunt and uncle.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Sept 23, 2017 21:14:25 GMT
Any chance of his joinging the marching band? That is such a safe haven for many kids without a lot of friends who instantly have a school *family*.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
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Post by Nanner on Sept 24, 2017 0:35:37 GMT
That poor kid. He's very lucky to have you.
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ComplicatedLady
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Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Sept 24, 2017 6:45:54 GMT
The only thing I can add to the great advice you’ve gotten here is to try to attend school activities where parents and family are invited.
Not only could you talk to him and have him know your house is a safe haven, but be there for those school activities. Knowing that there will always be a familiar face in the crowd can do wonders.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Sept 24, 2017 7:49:59 GMT
Even with great parents, those special interactions with aunts and uncles can be so important. Even more so for a child like this. It sounds like you are already helping him more than you know and with this additional awareness can be even more intentional about it.
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Sept 24, 2017 13:05:15 GMT
Any chance of his joinging the marching band? That is such a safe haven for many kids without a lot of friends who instantly have a school *family*. He could, but he has joined a team with JROTC that has a fall season. It should be good for him as our school's program is excellent for helping the kids grow in character. We are going to get the schedule for his meets as we used to go to JROTC events when my older kids were involved. He is close with my youngest. They have different lunch shifts, and he has JROTC after school. But we are going to look to see how schedules match up for free time and get him here more often on weekends. His dad and stepmom have always been great about him spending time with us, so that helps. |
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