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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 27, 2017 14:39:41 GMT
About racism and How to interact with police?
I have four boys who are biracial, ages 14, 12, 8 and 5. The older two no longer look like little boys and I am starting to get more and more stressed about how they will be treated in society--by police as well as others now that it is more and more apparent that racism is a bigger issue than many (including me) thought. So far, we haven't really talked much about race in our home. I'm not even sure how the kids would identify themselves in regards to race. We/they haven't had any issues with racism that I am aware of. But I know that we should talk to them about how to interact with police as well as others who may make racial comments (I know that these are two different issues for the most part, but I worry about both situations).
I'm curious what others have taught their kids about this?
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Post by birukitty on Sept 27, 2017 14:51:03 GMT
I don't have any personal experience but this subject came up in a recent novel I read called "The Hate U Give" by Angie Thomas. It's about a teen girl who's father taught her how to react and behave around police if and when she is pulled over or in any situation with them, and her childhood friend, who's father or mother didn't. It's an amazing novel. If you read I highly recommend it.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685 
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Post by ginacivey on Sept 27, 2017 14:52:52 GMT
my children are white - did you change your title?
i didn't see the 'if they are white part' when i posted - that's why i put the disclaimer at the top
when my kids got their licenses we did talk about what to do if a cop pulls you over
i told them to roll their window down and be respectful
i told them to not start fiddling around looking for documents - wait until the officer asks for them
keep your hands on the wheel until instructed otherwise
we also talked about how to find a safe place to pull over - and if they didn't feel safe pulling over they could tun on their flashers to acknowledge the officer and drive to a place with lights and people
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 27, 2017 15:00:58 GMT
my children are white - did you change your title? i didn't see the 'if they are white part' when i posted - that's why i put the disclaimer at the top when my kids got their licenses we did talk about what to do if a cop pulls you over i told them to roll their window down and be respectful i told them to not start fiddling around looking for documents - wait until the officer asks for them keep your hands on the wheel until instructed otherwise we also talked about how to find a safe place to pull over - and if they didn't feel safe pulling over they could tun on their flashers to acknowledge the officer and drive to a place with lights and people I didn't change the title, but I'm interested in what all parents teach their kids about police safety. I wasn't taught anything so honestly am not even sure if what I would do it "right". |
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Post by cindosha on Sept 27, 2017 15:15:27 GMT
My kids know there is nothing more to do than be respectful and do what you are asked to do without question or fight. I also tell my children to make sure they always have license, registration and insurance documents on hand WHENEVER they get into the car.
In a situation where they haven't done anything wrong, the truth will out. If they have done something wrong, obey the officer and suck it up, and use it as a learning life lesson.
Cindy
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:43:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 15:17:07 GMT
my children are white - did you change your title? i didn't see the 'if they are white part' when i posted - that's why i put the disclaimer at the top when my kids got their licenses we did talk about what to do if a cop pulls you over i told them to roll their window down and be respectful i told them to not start fiddling around looking for documents - wait until the officer asks for them keep your hands on the wheel until instructed otherwise we also talked about how to find a safe place to pull over - and if they didn't feel safe pulling over they could tun on their flashers to acknowledge the officer and drive to a place with lights and people This. Shut up, keep your hands in site and comply with all officer requests. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 27, 2017 15:25:41 GMT
I think if your kids can be identified as non-white it is a completely different conversation than what I might have with my white daughter. So I can't help there. I have a friend who has bi-racial children and she took a course similar to this from a friend of mine. lifeisaverbstore.com/products/how-to-raise-inclusive-children |
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Post by missbennet on Sept 27, 2017 15:29:51 GMT
I was taught the same as ginacivey said, and when my nephew was a teenager, we revisited with some additional things (he is Hispanic): - if you see lights behind you, turn your music off and your blinker on to immediately acknowledge them - address police as "Officer" - don't be surly - make eye contact, but not the aggressive kind  - try to relax and don't act jumpy or defensive (I think the police take a lot of cues from how we as the public act when we interact with them) He was maybe 16 1/2 and just getting his license, and he was a kind of snarly teenager. We were worried he'd get pulled over and his attitude would make trouble for him. He was fine. All that said, I suspect parents who are POC and have first hand experience will have more relevant advice for you. The truth is there's a lot of texture to this question, and I think as a white person, I'm not aware of the nuance. Obviously. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 15:29:52 GMT
My kids are very white (if that matters) but we did talk about what to do when pulled over because, despite their whiteness they were the minority in Hawaii and they were young men.
They were told to pull over as soon as it was safe. If it was not a safe place, put on their flashers and slow down to drive to a place that was safe. If there is a nearby parking lot pull in there.
Roll down the window then put both hands on the steering wheel at 10 & 2 so their hands were clearly visible.
Speak to the officer respectfully. Don't go digging for documents until instructed to do so; at that point tell the officer where you will be reaching before you start moving around (my driver's license is in my back pocket and insurance is in the glove box)
Never argue, explain or rebut anything the officer says. If you feel the need to verbally defend yourself save it for court, not on the side of the road. Be direct with information requested but don't say anything that remotely sounds like the start of an argument (and they weren't allowed to do so with me either so they had a good understanding of what another adult might consider being a smart-mouth)
If you are walking, stop. Stand still. Don't run, bounce, or jiggle.
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Post by littlemama on Sept 27, 2017 15:36:17 GMT
I would instruct any driver to pull over safely - for them and the officer. Keep hands visible and do not start to root around for documents until asked. If you feel unsure, state where you are getting them from. "Ok, those are in my purse, let me get them" and then pull the wallet out so they can see that. When the officer returns to his car, continue to sit still, and when he comes back, again have your hands in view.
Be polite and respectful, whether or not you think you have actually done anything wrong.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 27, 2017 15:36:24 GMT
my children are white - did you change your title? i didn't see the 'if they are white part' when i posted - that's why i put the disclaimer at the top when my kids got their licenses we did talk about what to do if a cop pulls you over i told them to roll their window down and be respectful i told them to not start fiddling around looking for documents - wait until the officer asks for them keep your hands on the wheel until instructed otherwise we also talked about how to find a safe place to pull over - and if they didn't feel safe pulling over they could tun on their flashers to acknowledge the officer and drive to a place with lights and people Same. There is no way that we can totally understand the fear/terror that those of color feel when stopped. Almost 40 years ago when my DS started driving we lived in a 'not so good neighborhood' we had to talk. I was concerned about him being stopped because the police did not like the people we lived near. I was not worried about him being killed, but surely harassed. |
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Post by compwalla on Sept 27, 2017 15:47:35 GMT
My kids know there is nothing more to do than be respectful and do what you are asked to do without question or fight. I also tell my children to make sure they always have license, registration and insurance documents on hand WHENEVER they get into the car. In a situation where they haven't done anything wrong, the truth will out. If they have done something wrong, obey the officer and suck it up, and use it as a learning life lesson. Cindy Philando Castile did nothing wrong and was respectful to the officer and was by all accounts, a model citizen. He got shot during a traffic stop anyway and the truth is that he was murdered in cold blood by a trigger-happy police officer and nothing of any consequence has happened to that cop. The life lessons black motorists learn are very different from the life lessons white motorists learn. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 27, 2017 16:18:28 GMT
I should add that my husband (who is black) really hasn't given any info other than what has been said here. I want to have more conversations with him about it, though, since oldest will be driving and going into the larger community more often as he gets older.
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Post by auntkelly on Sept 27, 2017 16:20:56 GMT
One thing I would add to the advice you have already received is to tell your kid to tell any passengers in the car to remain silent unless spoken to and let the driver handle the situation. Sometimes kids think they are helping their friend when what they are really doing is escalating a situation.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 27, 2017 16:26:17 GMT
My kids know there is nothing more to do than be respectful and do what you are asked to do without question or fight. I also tell my children to make sure they always have license, registration and insurance documents on hand WHENEVER they get into the car. In a situation where they haven't done anything wrong, the truth will out. If they have done something wrong, obey the officer and suck it up, and use it as a learning life lesson. Cindy Philando Castile did nothing wrong and was respectful to the officer and was by all accounts, a model citizen. He got shot during a traffic stop anyway and the truth is that he was murdered in cold blood by a trigger-happy police officer and nothing of any consequence has happened to that cop. The life lessons black motorists learn are very different from the life lessons white motorists learn. RIGHT! |
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Post by mrssmith on Sept 27, 2017 16:38:35 GMT
I think if your kids can be identified as non-white it is a completely different conversation than what I might have with my white daughter. So I can't help there. I have a friend who has bi-racial children and she took a course similar to this from a friend of mine. lifeisaverbstore.com/products/how-to-raise-inclusive-childrenAgree, but a related conversation needs to happen, I think. I know my white middle class son pretty much got dealt 4 aces in life. He will be able to walk through the world much differently than many of his peers. He and my daughter (also white) need to understand why. Anyway, re: OPs question, the issue of following directions, etc. can be explained, and is valuable, but I would advise also educating them on their rights. For example, what information do you HAVE to provide? What are the police legally allowed to ask? Do not volunteer information that is not asked for or that you legally do not have to provide. As minors, they also need to know what you need to be present for, etc. Save |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 27, 2017 16:40:47 GMT
We never allowed toys that looked realistic, and I'll reiterate that to my children particularly when they're driving for their friends as well. There was an incident when I was a teen with a pellet gun being mistaken for a weapon.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,426
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Post by tanya2 on Sept 27, 2017 17:10:23 GMT
I just want to say how sorry I am that this even has to be a discussion for any of you with your children, and that this is even an issue. it's really heartbreaking
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Post by brina on Sept 27, 2017 17:21:31 GMT
My kids know there is nothing more to do than be respectful and do what you are asked to do without question or fight. I also tell my children to make sure they always have license, registration and insurance documents on hand WHENEVER they get into the car. In a situation where they haven't done anything wrong, the truth will out. If they have done something wrong, obey the officer and suck it up, and use it as a learning life lesson. Cindy Philando Castile did nothing wrong and was respectful to the officer and was by all accounts, a model citizen. He got shot during a traffic stop anyway and the truth is that he was murdered in cold blood by a trigger-happy police officer and nothing of any consequence has happened to that cop. The life lessons black motorists learn are very different from the life lessons white motorists learn. And this here is the crux of the problem. This is why black men, given a spotlight based on their hard work and their talent are using their platform to reflect that light onto the problems in this country. |
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Post by compwalla on Sept 27, 2017 17:49:29 GMT
And this here is the crux of the problem. This is why black men, given a spotlight based on their hard work and their talent are using their platform to reflect that light onto the problems in this country. Maybe. I would say the main problem is so many white people not believing it's a problem when those black citizens kneel or sit or march to draw attention to the problem. "Just do what the officer says!" Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker with fig jam -- they get shot no matter what they do and THAT IS THE ISSUE. If nice white ladies got shot for doing nothing more suspicious than reaching for their wallets, the entire country would stop and fix the problem. Cops would be fired, the outcry would be cacophonous, congress would be having hearings and demanding heads on a platter. I honestly don't understand how there aren't riots and protests and violent uprisings every single day over what's happening. The restraint shown by the black community is frankly astonishing. |
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AmandaA on Sept 27, 2017 18:01:13 GMT
Yesterday on Megan Kelly's portion of Today there was a really neat story about four female police chiefs... who also happen to be African-American. (The story itself was very inspiring but that is another topic). But I thought it was interesting that she asked one of the women what she has taught her son about interacting with law enforcement. And the woman responded that she has had the talk, as she called it I believe, with her son. I don't recall the details of what she said and don't want to misquote her, but I am sure the video is online for anyone who is interested.
There was another part in the story where one of the women was filmed interacting with kids at a community event, and as she handed one of them a sticker of a badge she said something to the effect of remember not to be afraid of this badge. She commented further about trying to start changing the mindset of the next generation which I thought was very powerful.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 0:43:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 18:01:47 GMT
I can't speak to bi-racial but what everyone has said I taught my four white daughters.
Regardless of what color LEO pulls you over, behave the same. Plus never throw out your dads an LEO. Our name is pretty unique so eventually, its brought up, then they can respond yes sir or mam. But by then they (LEO) has already x21 my husband or me.
I understand and am not trying to downplay the racial issues some might come into contact with but it should be said to explain that yes this COULD happen but not to make it so that its placed in their head to be afraid of LEO's.
Just like I would never tell my daughters all..... people are one way and will shoot you neither should that be said about LEO's.
I know you are not saying that but I would be remiss if I didn't speak up.
Another great thing is Drivers education many programs go into depth and even have mock stops to prepare the kids if they get pulled over. Hell, I'm 40 and still get nervous when I get pulled over or go through a DL check.. more for the part that I know they are about to mess with me::::
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 27, 2017 20:32:08 GMT
I think the advice given is good for all people.... Sadly, it is even more necessary for any person whose skin color might be darker.
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Post by maryland on Sept 27, 2017 21:04:56 GMT
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
We have three girls (white), and have pretty much taught them what the above posters have taught their teens.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Sept 27, 2017 21:05:16 GMT
My kids are both white. I grew up in MN in an area of the state with no racial diversity. Living in suburban Chicago, my kids are growing up with experiences and friends of every color. I love it.
My older son is 11 years older than my younger son. Last year, the younger one was in Kindergarten and his teacher was black. My older son came in a few times to help with the class on Friday afternoons when the high school had days off that the elementary didn't. The Kindergarten teacher and my older son got into an interesting talk at dismissal one day. ODS had just gotten his license. She asked ODS if he had any black friends or friends with skin more brown than his. He said yes, several. She asked if he knew what to do if he was pulled over by an officer. Yes, we'd talked about that when he was learning to drive. What about what to do if you're with your friends of color and the police pull him over or approach you while you're out somewhere? He was baffled by the question. So was I. She said to him, "You need to stay with your friend. Don't run. Don't walk away and leave him to deal with it by himself. You need to be his friend and his witness. If the police tell you that you must leave, you need to get in touch with his parents or your parents right away and let them know where you are and what is happening." ODS was over at his friend's house shortly after that and brought this up in front of his parents. They had a great discussion and asked that ODS add their numbers into his cell, because yes, they worried about their boy when he was out.
As a white family who pretty much glows in the dark with our whiteness, there are things we take for granted. I don't worry about my kid being harassed by the police. I don't worry about people side eyeing him because of his skin color. ODS and his friends haven't had any problems, but I'm glad Mrs.C had that talk with him.
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Post by tara on Sept 27, 2017 21:07:37 GMT
Op, I'm in the same boat. I have 1biracial son and a hispanic son and daughter that we adopted Ages 10-6. We live in a mostly white neighborhood. I'm worried sick. It would only take one trigger happy racist cop to end my world.
We are white and didn't really understand racism till we started fostering 8 years ago. Our first baby was black. I've never gotten so many hateful looks like in my life. My biological son started a new school and was on the football team. My husband and I hit it off with another couple in the stands. The next game we brought our latest foster daughters. When they saw that the were black they didn't want to have anything to do with us. One time my oldest daughter, who is white, had my foster son by the hand at Walmart. I thought this lady was as going to attack her. My husband tells everyone, if you don't believe rasism exist, then take a walk with us at the mall and see for yourself the dirty looks. And with the political climate we have now, it's getting worse.
Sorry to hijack your thread op. I just wanted to know if you have the same experiences and if you do you're not alone
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Post by Zee on Sept 27, 2017 21:16:55 GMT
Op, I'm in the same boat. I have 1biracial son and a hispanic son and daughter that we adopted Ages 10-6. We live in a mostly white neighborhood. I'm worried sick. It would only take one trigger happy racist cop to end my world. We are white and didn't really understand racism till we started fostering 8 years ago. Our first baby was black. I've never gotten so many hateful looks like in my life. My biological son started a new school and was on the football team. My husband and I hit it off with another couple in the stands. The next game we brought our latest foster daughters. When they saw that the were black they didn't want to have anything to do with us. One time my oldest daughter, who is white, had my foster son by the hand at Walmart. I thought this lady was as going to attack her. My husband tells everyone, if you don't believe rasism exist, then take a walk with us at the mall and see for yourself the dirty looks. And with the political climate we have now, it's getting worse. Sorry to hijack your thread op. I just wanted to know if you have the same experiences and if you do you're not alone  I'm so sorry that this has been your experience. Some people are so awful. |
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Post by hop2 on Sept 27, 2017 21:41:54 GMT
I taught my children to be respectful. Speak respectfully “yes officer, no officer, may I ask ... officer.”
Turn on interior lights at night
Gather paperwork while the officer is running your plates as they do that first 80% of the time.
Put hands on the wheel where they can be seen
Do what your told. Deal with problems later with legal representation.
Don’t answer probing questions -ask for parents ( lawyer now I Guess as they are over 18)
Oh and... ( this last one they came up with) if you feel an injustice is being done to someone else 1st start your cel phone video, then call 911- but do not physically interfere because you don’t have the knowledge of what came before, not do they have the authority to stop Police.
Mine are white though so it may not matter what I’ve taught mine or they’ve taught me.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 27, 2017 21:53:30 GMT
Op, I'm in the same boat. I have 1biracial son and a hispanic son and daughter that we adopted Ages 10-6. We live in a mostly white neighborhood. I'm worried sick. It would only take one trigger happy racist cop to end my world. We are white and didn't really understand racism till we started fostering 8 years ago. Our first baby was black. I've never gotten so many hateful looks like in my life. My biological son started a new school and was on the football team. My husband and I hit it off with another couple in the stands. The next game we brought our latest foster daughters. When they saw that the were black they didn't want to have anything to do with us. One time my oldest daughter, who is white, had my foster son by the hand at Walmart. I thought this lady was as going to attack her. My husband tells everyone, if you don't believe rasism exist, then take a walk with us at the mall and see for yourself the dirty looks. And with the political climate we have now, it's getting worse. Sorry to hijack your thread op. I just wanted to know if you have the same experiences and if you do you're not alone That us so disheartening to hear. |
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Post by compwalla on Sept 27, 2017 22:05:04 GMT
My kids are both white. I grew up in MN in an area of the state with no racial diversity. Living in suburban Chicago, my kids are growing up with experiences and friends of every color. I love it. My older son is 11 years older than my younger son. Last year, the younger one was in Kindergarten and his teacher was black. My older son came in a few times to help with the class on Friday afternoons when the high school had days off that the elementary didn't. The Kindergarten teacher and my older son got into an interesting talk at dismissal one day. ODS had just gotten his license. She asked ODS if he had any black friends or friends with skin more brown than his. He said yes, several. She asked if he knew what to do if he was pulled over by an officer. Yes, we'd talked about that when he was learning to drive. What about what to do if you're with your friends of color and the police pull him over or approach you while you're out somewhere? He was baffled by the question. So was I. She said to him, "You need to stay with your friend. Don't run. Don't walk away and leave him to deal with it by himself. You need to be his friend and his witness. If the police tell you that you must leave, you need to get in touch with his parents or your parents right away and let them know where you are and what is happening." ODS was over at his friend's house shortly after that and brought this up in front of his parents. They had a great discussion and asked that ODS add their numbers into his cell, because yes, they worried about their boy when he was out. As a white family who pretty much glows in the dark with our whiteness, there are things we take for granted. I don't worry about my kid being harassed by the police. I don't worry about people side eyeing him because of his skin color. ODS and his friends haven't had any problems, but I'm glad Mrs.C had that talk with him. I grew up fairly well-insulated from overt racism. We were a military family and the divisions tended to be along lines of rank, not race. So my first experience with overt racism that wasn't out of the mouth of an elderly grandparent was when I went away to school at LSU in Baton Rouge. My first big shock was what many white students felt comfortable saying in front of me when there were no black people in the room. I seriously had no idea that people my age thought or spoke like that. I had never heard it from a person under 60 years old. Never. My second big shock was getting pulled over as a passenger in a car with a black driver in Metairie, Louisiana - the city that send David Duke to the state legislature. I have never before or since felt so genuinely scared for my life as I was that night. My friend and I were going to pick up my roommate from her parents' house. My friend was a military reservist, a student at LSU, a wonderful thoughtful law-abiding person. We got pulled over literally seconds after we crossed the city limit into Metairie and you're just going to have to believe me when I say my friend did nothing wrong to get pulled over. Nothing. Didn't speed, didn't roll through a stop sign, nothing. We were pulled over, treated to racial slurs, got accused of being up to every crime in the book. It was the most surreal experience my little white mind had ever been through. He got pulled out of the car, was thrown over the hood, cuffed, searched, and I was told repeatedly to shut the fuck up. I was nineteen years old and it was one of the most formative experiences of my life. It woke me up to white privilege before that was a phrase in our common vernacular. I am ashamed it took first-hand experience to learn it but I'm not sorry my eyes were opened. I will never forget it and I will never stop amplifying and validating the experience of black Americans who say they are systematically mistreated by police. Because they are. They get pulled over going to work, they get arrested for being at parks with their own children, they get arrested on the front lawns of their own fucking houses. They get shot while carefully following the instructions of law enforcement. They get shot walking home from the corner store. They get shot in front of their toddlers. And we haven't even touched the less lethal but infinitely more harmful mistreatment the justice system hands them. They are more likely to get arrested for misdemeanors. They are more likely to get jail time that white kids get probation for. They are given longer and harsher sentences for the same crimes and with the same records as white people. You don't want to believe it but it's true, 100%, every day, in every city in America. It's not just "thugs" or criminals or gang members or people who live in "bad" neighborhoods. It's regular honest law-abiding people going about their daily business. It's wrong and I stand (or kneel) with every single person who wants to make things better. I will ask what I can do to help, I will listen, and I will follow their lead and do it. |
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