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Post by pondrunner on Sept 27, 2017 17:30:12 GMT
So I learned recently that I have a whole huge group of cousins I never knew I had. An uncle who I wasn't close to had a family none of us knew about. The mother of his children was black and so we are learning we have all this family who is biracial and it is causing strife.
Apparently what happened is that some family was very racist and some of our relatives felt very rejected. So they isolated to their small family group and only just recently reached out to us.
A few family members are still adamant that my uncle didn't have a black wife and the marriage certificate we found on ancestry is fake. It isn't fake, but they swear it is. They aren't ready to accept this. The rest of us are just figuring out what it all means.
This is my family and I think racism is a generational sin that stops with me. I welcome my newfound family but I'm having a hard time with the parts of my family who aren't ready.
I'm just saying it to an anonymous group of people because I can't say it on Facebook. I don't really know what to do.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,017 
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Post by mimima on Sept 27, 2017 17:34:44 GMT
I'm sorry that there is strife and ugliness.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Sept 27, 2017 17:39:14 GMT
I find this stuff so ridiculous. Why would he fake a marriage license? Nothing to gain from that.
Welcome your new family, ditch the other ones.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 27, 2017 17:42:55 GMT
I have no time or energy for racists assholes. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the reality. Someone who would reject family members for their race is just abhorrent to me. I have several different family members of different races and ethnicities - I just can't imagine a response to someone who wants to reject them other than pointing to the nearest bridge they can jump off. Good luck - I imagine you're going to need it.
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Post by lemondrop on Sept 27, 2017 17:45:41 GMT
I have no time or energy for racists assholes. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the reality. Someone who would reject family members for their race is just abhorrent to me. I have several different family members of different races and ethnicities - I just can't imagine a response to someone who wants to reject them other than pointing to the nearest bridge they can jump off. Good luck - I imagine you're going to need it.  |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Sept 27, 2017 17:46:04 GMT
I have two things to say.
Your other relatives are jerks (insert profanity because that's how I feel) and I pray they will come around.
Way cool! New cousins! We don't talk to any of our family really. I would love to have more family to meet and get to know. This is the coolest thing ever!
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,034
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Post by used2scrap on Sept 27, 2017 17:46:12 GMT
I'm not sure which is worse, openly racist rejection by family or family that pretends to be inclusive and then is incredibly racist out of earshot. It's sad and appalling either way. I'm sorry for your family strife.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 22:05:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2017 17:46:25 GMT
What to do? Accept everyone for who they are and don't force any family events on anyone.
My dil is Japanese. My grandmother was a young woman during WWII. She remembers the bombing of Pearl Harbor and holds a marked amount of resentment. My son visits her but without his wife. She is understanding because she has older family members that are quite anti-American and upset she married outside of her people. Son1 and dil recognize it is not ideal to separate but also recognize you can't change people so they don't push it. When she is visiting I don't invite family I know will create tension.
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Post by melanell on Sept 27, 2017 18:11:15 GMT
I'm sorry that parts of your family aren't excited and happy to learn of previously unknown relatives. How sad.  And I'm very sorry for the grief they are giving to those in the family who are happy & excited. That makes me so angry on your behalf. That's just not right. Hugs to you and to the members of your family who have felt they needed to live a life apart from the rest of you for so long. I hope that those of you who wish to maintain a connection are able to do so in relative peace despite the family members who insist on being so awful about it. |
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Post by LisaDV on Sept 27, 2017 18:34:04 GMT
That's so cool that you have new family to get know. I am sorry not everyone agrees that it's awesome.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
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Post by ginacivey on Sept 27, 2017 18:44:26 GMT
do you think it's a fear of the unknown?
congrats on your expanded family -
do y'all have plans to meet?
gina
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,508
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Sept 27, 2017 18:47:43 GMT
We experienced something similar and it ended up being the worst and best story for our entire family.
I have a VERY large family with 36 first cousins on my dad's side. One of my cousins moved away after high school (before facebook) and eventually married a black man and had two kids. When the kids were around 10 or so, they moved back to our small town. One of my cousins decided to do a cousin reunion that year. Most of us did not know cousin was back, married with kids. They were invited to the reunion and when they got there, several of my cousins had a come apart. I mean total lack of respect and putting my cousin down for "going black". It was horrible and the family left the reunion, hurt that she was no longer "welcome" in the family. It was the worst thing to happen in our close nit large family.
It took a little while, but the racist cousins came around and eventually welcomed this part of the family at all events!! Change can happen!! That is the best thing to happen in our close nit large family.
Don't give up hope. Welcome them with open arms and show the other racist family members what dicks they are being. We didn't drop our family that were being dicks, instead we worked to include everyone. It eventually lead to real change in their hearts and minds.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,281
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Sept 27, 2017 20:13:02 GMT
Wow. We had something similar happen in my family. My uncle was married and had two kids. But he also had an affair with a black woman and had two children with her. Some people knew about it, some didn't and some of us just heard rumors. It all came out about ten years ago, after his wife died. Thankfully nobody had an issue with their race. Well one of his kids from his marriage isn't interested in meeting his half siblings but I don't think it's race but that he would have to accept that his father had an affair etc. That side of the family is very religious so it's hard to accept that he did this. But other than his one son, the others have gotten past everything.
Anyway one of my cousins is now very close to the family. The other not so much as she doesn't seem very interested but that seems to be her choice. She's FB friends with everyone and friendly but doesn't seem interested in getting together and has only done so a couple of times. I have yet to meet her. I've met her brother just once as he lives out of state but he's very close and has visited his half sister a few times and talks to people on FB and the phone etc all the time.
I hope your family is able to accept your cousins. Good luck to your family as it's all sorted out.
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Post by compwalla on Sept 27, 2017 20:17:13 GMT
One of my cousins is estranged from part of the family because of the same thing. He married a black woman and part of our family simply wasn't having it. So he told them to go pound sand they now do not speak. It's such a shame because he's a wonderful person and they are missing out. They are the losers in this situation and it's sad but it's very hard to change ingrained beliefs like that.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 27, 2017 20:21:35 GMT
You will have to forge your own relationships..... You can't coerce other family members, but it is their loss.. My favorite uncle is very dark (. I am Caucasian) and a niece -in-law and a nephew-in law are black. I have two cousins, and 4 great nephews who are biracial ( as well as 4 great nieces who technically aren't related to me, but I am their aunt anyway) .I would not trade any of them for anything!!
So find your family and enjoy.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Sept 27, 2017 20:26:15 GMT
Be the change that you want to see in the family. A change in family dynamics is scary, especially for the older members, but, facts are facts. Get to know the new family and prove to the racists that they are missing out on a great thing for your family.
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Post by mom on Sept 27, 2017 20:30:52 GMT
Be the change that you want to see in the family. A change in family dynamics is scary, especially for the older members, but, facts are facts. Get to know the new family and prove to the racists that they are missing out on a great thing for your family. Yes! You be the change! Accept them and do what you can to bring them into the family. It won't be easy with older generations - and you can't change them - but you can be responsible for your actions. Maybe the older generations will see you interacting with the new members and see that they are missing out. SaveSave |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 27, 2017 20:45:06 GMT
Please, enjoy your new found family. Life is short. We never know how much time we will be able to share!
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Post by tara on Sept 27, 2017 21:54:02 GMT
One of my cousins is estranged from part of the family because of the same thing. He married a black woman and part of our family simply wasn't having it. So he told them to go pound sand they now do not speak. It's such a shame because he's a wonderful person and they are missing out. They are the losers in this situation and it's sad but it's very hard to change ingrained beliefs like that. This. My moms family is extremely racist. My mom changed but she moved away from them when she was 17. That's when she met a black person for the first time and saw they weren't the boogie man. They were just people like us. And like the OP she said racism stops with me. And I applaud you OP. And I'm so thankful she raised me this way. I used to go a week out of the year to see her family. I would try to debate with my uncles. But all it caused was getting them furious. These country boys can look pretty mean when they're furious. My grandmother once told my mom that she would rather have her daughters dead then marry a black man. My husbands family are part melungeon. No one really knew where they came from because they were so secretive. I asked my grandmother if she's heard about them in that area. She sent me a bunch of newspaper clippings about them and wrote me a letter to let me know that we have melungeon in our family. There was as a study in 2010 that proved they came from Africa. We all might look white but you know the one dropping rule. My grandmother was dead but I had a lot of cousins on Facebook and you better believe I posted that I have proof my family has black blood. You should have seen them unfriend me. But it didn't bother me. There wasn't any love lost there. The vindication was worth it. |
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Post by pondrunner on Sept 27, 2017 22:18:44 GMT
do you think it's a fear of the unknown? congrats on your expanded family - do y'all have plans to meet? gina Fear of the unknown - maybe. I would like to attribute this to that yes. There is a lot of suspicion. I should add that no one in the family has any money really so it isn't like we have anything of value other than family history to share. My uncle died with $700 in his bank account and my mother paid for his burial out of her social security. It just makes me sad when my own family said that there was no way my uncle married a black lady. It's in vital records. They are really stuck on that part right now. We are working on meeting, geography is a problem but maybe next summer. |
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Post by Linda on Sept 28, 2017 0:14:54 GMT
Congratulations on your new-to-you cousins. I'm sorry that not all of the family is welcoming to them
There's a similar but different estrangement in my family. My dad was a British soldier who married a German war bride right after WW2 - his family disowned him and were very unkind to his wife. They eventually divorced and Dad remarried (to my mum - who is American) but I know he wasn't close to any of his family and my older sister has NO contact with any of Dad's family except my mum, my sister, and I because of how they treated her mum
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