Mystie
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Posts: 4,299 
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Post by Mystie on Oct 14, 2017 18:01:21 GMT
...that specializes in dealing with aging and ill parents? I mean for the adult kids who need therapy to cope with it. And if so, how would I find one? I don't have time to write it all out, but i think I need someone to help me figure out my own ways to deal.
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Post by krcrafts on Oct 14, 2017 18:13:36 GMT
Oh my goodness, I can't believe I just read this. I was just wondering the same thing. My parents live about 4 hours away and I spent Thursday driving and crying home after being with them for a week. When I got off at the wrong exit, I realized I could probably use some help. Watching this thread and hoping for some direction.
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Oct 14, 2017 18:16:33 GMT
If your area has an Aging Council type service they might be able to direct you to someone. They might even have a support group.
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PrettyInPeank
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Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Oct 14, 2017 18:19:48 GMT
Try googling "caregiver relief counseling" plus your area or state.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Oct 14, 2017 18:21:39 GMT
There is a therapist for everything. I would ask your GP or psych for the name of someone. A good therapist will just get you to talk and problem solve. They have a natural ability to do it.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 14, 2017 18:24:42 GMT
Check with your county Dept of Aging, they should have suggested resources. Maybe check with your local hospital, University Medical center, they often have support groups for different situations.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 14, 2017 18:42:26 GMT
I would suggest checking with THEIR doctor(s) to see if they have info about a caregiver support group for the particular illness your family member is dealing with. I know there were some available when we were dealing with my mom and Alzheimer’s and I’m sure there are others as well. It’s particularly helpful to talk with other people who are dealing with the exact same things you are.
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tuesdaysgone
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Oct 14, 2017 18:46:06 GMT
I don't have any specific advice, just sending kind thoughts and strength your way.
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Post by pondrunner on Oct 14, 2017 18:53:50 GMT
A senior living community in our town offers a caregiver support group.
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Post by mom on Oct 14, 2017 19:17:01 GMT
No advice as you've already gotten great info - but just wanted to send hugs. I have been in your shoes and its hard.
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Belle
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Posts: 4,309
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Post by Belle on Oct 14, 2017 19:20:56 GMT
Absolutely there are therapist that help with dealing with aging and ill parents.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 14, 2017 19:52:28 GMT
The local agency on aging is a good place to start. Senior centers and assisted living facilities often provide support for families as well.
My mama is 92 years old and while she does remarkably well for her age, there are a whole host of new challenges we have to address all the time. The biggest issue lately is her struggle to hold onto short term memory information like what day her next doctor's appointment will be or when I'll pick her up for something. It takes a lot of repetition, reminders, and visual aids now to keep her from getting frustrated with it.
If you are comfortable sharing what some of your parents issues are, maybe some of us could help with more specific suggestions. If not, that's okay, too.
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Post by lisae on Oct 14, 2017 20:58:56 GMT
I don't know but I'm greatly sympathetic to your situation. My father passed away in August after over 2 years of declining health. The last few months were very challenging. My mother is in good health but I am always worried about her - probably a lot more than she worries about herself. I'm an only child so all the responsibility and a good deal of the work falls to me. I really think the worry is worse than the work so I certainly see why you want someone to talk to. I thought about it some but honestly I just couldn't even schedule an appointment for anything for myself those last few months because I was on call 24/7 with my dad. He didn't need me all the time but when he would call several times a day for something I had to go.
The stress on the family is something that I don't think people who haven't been there appreciate. I got the most support from people who have been caregivers. If I were to look for someone in my area, I'd probably have started with someone who did grief counseling. It isn't the same thing but it is more in the ballpark than perhaps someone who deals with say, addiction as a specialty.
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Post by Anna*Banana on Oct 14, 2017 21:05:06 GMT
I know you probably don't want to give specifics here, understandable. I don't know if your family member sees a geriatric specialist or if there may be dementia issues but there are frequently resources through them. At a minimum, the local Senior Center in your area may be able to help you with this. If dementia or Alzheimer issues are involved the national associations may have meetings near you and they're not just a wonderful source of support, mentally, but a source of helpful resources as well.
And I just want to hug you... I think this is some of the most difficult transition for families. It's so stressful and difficult WITHOUT the overlay of all the parent/child relational issues on top.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 14, 2017 22:00:21 GMT
I think you are so smart to seek help. You need to take care of yourself.
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Mystie
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Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Oct 15, 2017 4:16:23 GMT
I want to say thank you for all your good thoughts and suggestions. I'm traveling with my parents and siblings this weekend for a family funeral so this is the first chance I've had to check back. I don't live near my parents, but my sister does, so she is carrying their difficulties on top of an enormously stressful job and two teenage kids.
My dad had lymphoma in his brain in early 2015, and the resulting surgery, chemo, and radiation has dramatically affected his short-term memory. He's on a lot of meds, including insulin, and fortunately my mom is a retired nurse so she can stay in top of that.
Dad has been a difficult person all his life...the brain damage sometimes (often?) makes his bad traits worse. I don't have time to write a novel (and I could) but I have lots of issues with him. I'm worried about my mother and my sister as they try to deal with his memory, his anger and frustration amd irrationality. He can be sweet and easy to get along with, and he can be very...not. And it can change from second to second. Sometimes his behavior borders on verbal and certainly emotional abuse. Again, some of this is not new, just worse, and far more unpredictable. You walk on eggshells, you try to manage him as tactfully as you can, and he notices you're trying to manage him and gets angry. I can't even begin to describe how crazy-making it is to deal with him. I have a very hard time with it. But I know things aren't going to get better, and some day I am going to have to go up there and help my sister deal with a crisis. I have to be in better mental health to be able to do that.
That's the tip of my particular iceberg.
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Post by janniepea on Oct 15, 2017 5:06:15 GMT
I follow The Caregiver's Advocate on Facebook. My husband is the main caregiver for his mom who has advanced Alzheimer's. We have a lot of support from hospice and home health care. We get frequent breaks. But it's still so overwhelming.
Hospice provides a social worker for us making sure we're ok and getting breaks. She's made some amazing things happen!
We've found The Caregivers Advocate helpful too.
Wishing you the best.
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Post by papersilly on Oct 15, 2017 5:19:03 GMT
I'm sure there is. For me, the Peas were my "therapist" during the time my mom was sick and dying. I never mentioned her illness or death at the time but it was good to have a place I could go to decompress from dealing with everything. The old board was a good distraction. It was a welcomed escape, even for the briefest moments. Today, the new board still provides a great supportive atmosphere.
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Post by jenjie on Oct 15, 2017 8:41:00 GMT
Mystie and krcrafts you are wise to seek help. Especially with what you described, mystie, the verbally abusive history with your dad, you’re doing a good job of differentiating for yourself what is a “new” development and what is a pre-existing behavior, character trait etc. it’s so smart to be able to process with someone that might be able to help you figure out for yourself how you want to respond, questions you can ask yourself, boundaries you want to set, etc. You want to protect yourself as you help care for him, and you want to protect yourself from regret later. If you put a plan into place where you’ve chosen to accept abc behavior but not xyz (understanding that the parameters may need to be re-evaluated and adjusted along the way)—it might be as simple as taking a 30-minute breather from time to time—you will hopefully save yourself from shoulda coulda woulda after his passing. You will have thought it through and acted on it. Understand that not everybody will be pleased with how you choose to handle things. Your mom, siblings, or other family members may not feel free to handle things the way you are. They might think if you’re not doing it the way they are, it’s not good enough. So you might want to weigh that out and see for yourself if you’d rather deal with those consequences or deal with your dad as he is. Big big hugs.
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Post by krazykatlady on Oct 15, 2017 11:57:11 GMT
I’m a member of a Facebook group - Dementia Caregivers Support Group - that has kept me from absolutely losing my own mind while dealing with my 90 year old Mother with dementia. While it’s not seeing someone in person, it’s 24/7 access to people who are or have been going through the same thing I am.
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Post by jamielynn on Oct 15, 2017 13:40:17 GMT
MY employer offers us an EAPnand one of the services offered is caregiver support. It’s many different types of assistance based on needs. We also get therapy visits at no cost and they have a resource they use to help find the best fit be it local, or web-ex or telephone appointments. I’d start by looking into what your employer may have at little or no cost.
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SweetieBsMom
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Oct 15, 2017 14:01:21 GMT
...that specializes in dealing with aging and ill parents? I mean for the adult kids who need therapy to cope with it. And if so, how would I find one? I don't have time to write it all out, but i think I need someone to help me figure out my own ways to deal. If you find one, I need that phone number! I'm sorry you're dealing with what you are dealing with. Having to care for, make decisions for my aging Dad is a whole new level of stress for me. |
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 15, 2017 15:28:30 GMT
Look for a Geriatric or Senior Care Manager. They are licensed or certified in some way. These folks specialize in helping seniors and their kids/caregivers/family members deal with all the issues of aging. They may help you find somewhere for a relative to live, or live in caregivers. They are trained to sort of "mediate" between aging adults and their kids, helping mom realize she can't live alone, or that dad needs to see a doctor. I once interviewed a couple of people like this for a magazine I wrote for. They expect to help with anything that comes up - how to rent a wheelchair, where to find adaptive clothing, how to help a relative with depression, what sort of legal issues should you be looking into, anything at all related to an aging adult. Google those terms and I'll bet you find some in your area.
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Mystie
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Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Oct 16, 2017 1:39:42 GMT
Mystie and krcrafts you are wise to seek help. Especially with what you described, mystie, the verbally abusive history with your dad, you’re doing a good job of differentiating for yourself what is a “new” development and what is a pre-existing behavior, character trait etc. it’s so smart to be able to process with someone that might be able to help you figure out for yourself how you want to respond, questions you can ask yourself, boundaries you want to set, etc. You want to protect yourself as you help care for him, and you want to protect yourself from regret later. If you put a plan into place where you’ve chosen to accept abc behavior but not xyz (understanding that the parameters may need to be re-evaluated and adjusted along the way)—it might be as simple as taking a 30-minute breather from time to time—you will hopefully save yourself from shoulda coulda woulda after his passing. You will have thought it through and acted on it. Understand that not everybody will be pleased with how you choose to handle things. Your mom, siblings, or other family members may not feel free to handle things the way you are. They might think if you’re not doing it the way they are, it’s not good enough. So you might want to weigh that out and see for yourself if you’d rather deal with those consequences or deal with your dad as he is. Big big hugs. I have definitely thought about the possible ramifications of my setting boundaries with Dad, when my mom and my sister do not. I don't blame them for this, they have to spend far, far, far more time with him than I do. But we all enable him to varying extents. We tiptoe around trying not to rock the boat and upset him. It's exhausting. Like I said, I could write a novel about the past few years. I just felt so strongly, after having a candid conversation with my sister this weekend, that I need to fortify myself somehow, because there are a thousand ways this situation could and probably will get worse. |
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Loydene
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Post by Loydene on Oct 16, 2017 1:54:52 GMT
My sister and I just send our other sister (the one who has the "laboring oar" with our Mother) a case of wine every now and then -- just as thanks and "we understand".
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Post by jenjie on Oct 16, 2017 3:34:28 GMT
That’s too bad. Yes you have to do what you have to do. I didn’t want you to get a big shock if your family is not in favor. Mystie and krcrafts you are wise to seek help. Especially with what you described, mystie, the verbally abusive history with your dad, you’re doing a good job of differentiating for yourself what is a “new” development and what is a pre-existing behavior, character trait etc. it’s so smart to be able to process with someone that might be able to help you figure out for yourself how you want to respond, questions you can ask yourself, boundaries you want to set, etc. You want to protect yourself as you help care for him, and you want to protect yourself from regret later. If you put a plan into place where you’ve chosen to accept abc behavior but not xyz (understanding that the parameters may need to be re-evaluated and adjusted along the way)—it might be as simple as taking a 30-minute breather from time to time—you will hopefully save yourself from shoulda coulda woulda after his passing. You will have thought it through and acted on it. Understand that not everybody will be pleased with how you choose to handle things. Your mom, siblings, or other family members may not feel free to handle things the way you are. They might think if you’re not doing it the way they are, it’s not good enough. So you might want to weigh that out and see for yourself if you’d rather deal with those consequences or deal with your dad as he is. Big big hugs. I have definitely thought about the possible ramifications of my setting boundaries with Dad, when my mom and my sister do not. I don't blame them for this, they have to spend far, far, far more time with him than I do. But we all enable him to varying extents. We tiptoe around trying not to rock the boat and upset him. It's exhausting. Like I said, I could write a novel about the past few years. I just felt so strongly, after having a candid conversation with my sister this weekend, that I need to fortify myself somehow, because there are a thousand ways this situation could and probably will get worse. |
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Post by jenjie on Oct 16, 2017 14:06:40 GMT
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Oct 16, 2017 21:19:09 GMT
That’s too bad. Yes you have to do what you have to do. I didn’t want you to get a big shock if your family is not in favor. jenjie I have definitely thought about the possible ramifications of my setting boundaries with Dad, when my mom and my sister do not. I don't blame them for this, they have to spend far, far, far more time with him than I do. But we all enable him to varying extents. We tiptoe around trying not to rock the boat and upset him. It's exhausting. Like I said, I could write a novel about the past few years. I just felt so strongly, after having a candid conversation with my sister this weekend, that I need to fortify myself somehow, because there are a thousand ways this situation could and probably will get worse. I really appreciate you pointing that out, because I can see it being a potential problem. More things to address with a therapist! |
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Post by myboysnme on Oct 16, 2017 21:54:16 GMT
Look for someone who specializes in gerontology and or geropsych. You can call the Agency on Aging for recommendations.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 1:45:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 22:54:32 GMT
There sure are therapists that specialize in generational family dynamics. Brava to you for seeking out the care you need.
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