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Post by miranda on Oct 15, 2017 22:52:22 GMT
I thought I had this covered and I could suck it up and play along for the holidays, but i'm finding it's mid-October and i'm stressing about a holiday over a month away already!! I had myself convinced that I could do Thanksgiving with the family because I won't be doing Christmas with them all. But i'm feeling stressed and keep picturing the day and how stressful it will be for me. I feel bad too because people like my kids weren't involved in the issue yet will be affected me deciding to go or not. Long story short, we've had a tense year in which my mother didn't speak to me for over 2 1/2 months due to me speaking up when asked what my issue was. Speaking about issues is a no-go as evidenced by the 2 1/2 months of silence While I did say a couple things that could have been perceived as hurtful, I feel like I played a more minor role in who was wrong. The interesting thing, I apologized to my mother as well as my sister on more than one occasion (even though sister was a bystander and not involved.) I point blank have said my feeling were hurt by some of the things they have done this year. CRICKETS! Seriously no apology or acknowledgement at all. I was completely floored by this because if anyone told me i'd hurt their feelings i'd feel horribly and apologize! Anyway, they've shown who they are and I don't waste too much time on it these days. Basically I know I won't get resolution here so i've moved on, touch base with Mom maybe once a week briefly, but I feel like that is all I have patience for. The upcoming holidays are going to be an issue. I thought I could do one day with family and be fake, but I also can't imagine feeling stressed for the next month. If it were just mom and sis involved I wouldn't care, but my Dad and kids are too which is why I contemplate going. Want to weigh in? I thought once i'd decided I could do it because it was the only holiday i'd do this year i'd be ok, but it's gonna be AWKWARD
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,614
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Oct 15, 2017 23:32:26 GMT
IMHO I would give the day a miss.
There is no way I would put myself through this type of stress and for what? To come away from the day feeling that there was no joy in it for you and perhaps feeling even worse.
There are are time when you have to just let it go and for me my health, be it mental or physical, is for important that 'faking' it for the day in hope of getting someone's approval.
Make other plans.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 15, 2017 23:55:31 GMT
Do you have to stay for the whole day, or can you make a shorter appearance to visit with those you actually want to see and then bug out early? Honestly, if something was giving me that much stress this many weeks out, I would seriously consider skipping it. But then again, I’m the type that hasn’t seen one sister in probably five years and one brother in over 15, so there’s that. There’s something to be said for living a relatively drama free life!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 21:58:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2017 0:09:37 GMT
If you want these people in your life (and your kid's), at least some, I would try to go for part of the day. I know from experience and have all sorts of family issues on both sides. If you stay home and purposely miss Thanksgiving, I am not sure you will feel better for it. If you do not want them in your life moving forward, then that is OK, too. You know what is best.
OR, do not go but also do not stay home... just make totally different and fun plans!! We did that a couple times... went to a huge indoor water park over Christmas to miss all the hoopla. HANDS DOWN the best two holidays of my life!!
adding... you are worried about it being awkward, believe me, the longer you stay away the worse it will get. I got into a fight with a couple relatives several years ago and had we cleared it up sooner, that might have been OK but it has now gone on for so long and it would be EXTREMELY awkward to see them. I now worry that I will see have to see them at a funeral or wedding. UGH
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Post by miranda on Oct 16, 2017 0:11:43 GMT
IMHO I would give the day a miss. There is no way I would put myself through this type of stress and for what? To come away from the day feeling that there was no joy in it for you and perhaps feeling even worse. There are are time when you have to just let it go and for me my health, be it mental or physical, is for important that 'faking' it for the day in hope of getting someone's approval. Make other plans. Definitely not looking for the approval by going. The thing I feel bad about if I don't go is that my Dad is caught up in it as well as my kids. My kids are older and i'd certainly not encourage them one way or the other, but if i'm not going I think they'll choose not to also. So that's where my on the fence comes from. I feel like i'm creating an issue for all these people over an issue with my mother & sister. Still amazes me all these months later that it's so difficult for people to make an apology or even realize your behavior sucks!
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 16, 2017 0:12:48 GMT
I see it as that you need to decide what you want. Is the issue big enough to cut ties with your family? Or do you want to maintain that relationship? If you are doing it for the kids, what is the benefit to them other than saying that they know their grandmother?
We are a family who looks good on paper. We call probably twice a month, see them twice a year (we're a military family living out of state.) I love my parents, but I don't always like my father. He can be bigoted and self centered and monopolizes a conversation. I'm pretty sure that he has Asperger's (as does my son.) So I choose to look at the good and cope with the bad, just as I do with my son.
My kids are in college now and are in college back home. My dad stresses out my DD horribly. He's not one that tolerates youthful exuberance and my kids like to DO things. So they are at my brother's house more and spend a lot of time with my step mom, who is the only grandmother they really know as my mom died before I was married (and she's an awesome lady!) In fact, my DD is on a fishing trip right now with my brother. If I hadn't maintained the relationship with my family over the years, my kids (and myself) wouldn't have that relationship with my brother and his wife. So in the long run, I'm glad we stuck with it.
Good luck. It's a tough decision, no matter what you decide. But I would encourage you to make the decision and then go into it with your mind made up that it's the right thing to do. Find the peace of mind in that, no matter what you do.
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 16, 2017 0:13:47 GMT
If you want these people in your life (and your kid's), at least some, I would try to go for part of the day. I know from experience and have all sorts of family issues on both sides. If you stay home and purposely miss Thanksgiving, I am not sure you will feel better for it. If you do not want them in your life moving forward, then that is OK, too. You know what is best. OR, do not go but also do not stay home... just make totally different and fun plans!! We did that a couple times... went to a huge indoor water park over Christmas to miss all the hoopla. HANDS DOWN the best two holidays of my life!! I should have just waited for you to answer!
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,633
Jun 27, 2014 2:21:22 GMT
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Post by valincal on Oct 16, 2017 0:24:14 GMT
If you want these people in your life (and your kid's), at least some, I would try to go for part of the day. I know from experience and have all sorts of family issues on both sides. If you stay home and purposely miss Thanksgiving, I am not sure you will feel better for it.... ...adding... you are worried about it being awkward, believe me, the longer you stay away the worse it will get. I got into a fight with a couple relatives several years ago and had we cleared it up sooner, that might have been OK but it has now gone on for so long and it would be EXTREMELY awkward to see them. I now worry that I will see have to see them at a funeral or wedding. UGH I agree with this. If you skip it, the bad feelings will be multiplied on both sides. I would go, and grin and bare it. There are going to be other family get-together...do you want to have to repeatedly deal with this?
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 16, 2017 0:54:10 GMT
I would give myself one evening ahead of time to think about how I might respond and how to keep everything calm during that day. I find I can be a little flippant and planning ahead works for me. I'd also try to spend a bit more time with my dad and kids and opt out of mom and me time whenever possible. I might give my mom and sis a hug goodbye and just say I was surprised that an apology didn't come my way and bug out quickly. Leave that on their plate and let them decide what to do with the info. Clearly mom did not think she was in the wrong.
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Post by smokeynspike on Oct 16, 2017 2:06:22 GMT
If I was stressing out about the holidays this early, I would call the involved parties and tell them that in light of how I was feeling about the situation, I would not be coming to any family gatherings over the holidays and for them to make other plans. Then either let them make amends or not, and make your own holidays happy! Time for new traditions with your own immediate family! I bet you would feel immense relief.
Melissa
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Post by **Angie** on Oct 16, 2017 3:15:43 GMT
I feel for you. I would love to bow out of ANY holiday stuff with any of my family or in-laws.
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Post by miranda on Oct 16, 2017 10:56:29 GMT
If you want these people in your life (and your kid's), at least some, I would try to go for part of the day. I know from experience and have all sorts of family issues on both sides. If you stay home and purposely miss Thanksgiving, I am not sure you will feel better for it.... ...adding... you are worried about it being awkward, believe me, the longer you stay away the worse it will get. I got into a fight with a couple relatives several years ago and had we cleared it up sooner, that might have been OK but it has now gone on for so long and it would be EXTREMELY awkward to see them. I now worry that I will see have to see them at a funeral or wedding. UGH I agree with this. If you skip it, the bad feelings will be multiplied on both sides. I would go, and grin and bare it. There are going to be other family get-together...do you want to have to repeatedly deal with this? Ugh, sadly I know this is the road to take because of some extended family that I do want to maintain relationships with. I guess I need to work out a suitable plan of how I can go about the day that is tolerable to me.
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Post by mygigiscraps on Oct 16, 2017 14:18:29 GMT
Maybe you could compromise by hosting your own Thanksgiving in the afternoon for yourself and your kids, and just make an appearance for an hour or so at your parents' gathering to see your dad and the others you would like to see there.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Oct 16, 2017 14:50:53 GMT
DH's family used to try to force the big holiday gatherings. They were always a mess. Some sort of drama always happening. My DH's mom is kinda caught in the middle of her children and grand children with two very distinct "sides" So, we do our thing and they aren't invited but DH's mom is. If they want to have holidays with her, then they do their own thing.
Thing is, we don't stress on it being the actual day ... Sometimes our X-Mas get together are on NYE. Sometimes Thanksgiving is a week or two, early or late.
Has made for VERY stress free holidays and we love it.
We have had to be around the whole family for certain things like DH's grandmother's service. We (and the other side too) are cordial but that's it. It doesn't get any deeper than that. If we see them we do, if we don't we don't. It doesn't go any further than polite pleasantries.
Best wishes. Please don't stress too much. It will be what it will be.
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