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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 0:36:58 GMT
On Monday I was in a meeting with special services for my son. My mind kept going blank. I couldn’t remember the simplest of things. What the heck! On Tuesday night I had an appt. one of ds’ classmates is selling insurance and I agreed to let him practice on me. Never again! That’s a story in itself (not the kid’s fault, it was the trainer). But sitting there in the middle of it, the woman wanted to play a video. I said “it’s too loud... it’s too... if you want to keep my attention you have to talk to me.” In that moment, I knew what my problem was. And on the calendar 3 years ago, Monday was the day my dh went to the dr for the very first time and they had serious concerns. I wasn’t with him because my dad was admitted to ICU right before Fred’s appt. and then it was thanksgiving that my dad died, and Fred had his first specialist appt the day after his funeral. So it was the beginning of everything. Before I would get sad at certain times and be able to look at the calendar and see, ohhh no wonder I’m so out of sorts. My mil said, “stop looking at the calendar if it makes you sad.” I said it’s the other way around - I look at the calendar to find out why I’m so sad. This time, my emotions are fine. Some melancholy i guess, but nothing like i might expect for such an Anniversary and holiday. But mentally - and physically, too - I’m shot out. It was the weirdest thing but so glad I figured it out. My gf suggested it’s a subconscious thing. Like PTSD. I think she’s right. I decided to only do what was necessary and rest the remaining parts of the long weekend. I got a massage today. I don’t love them as much as I should. Anyway, I googled and there is such a thing as an Anniversary Effect or Anniversary Reaction. themighty.com/2017/02/anniversary-effect-reaction-depression/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1164254If you or your family/friends are feeling off (any time of year) and don’t quite know why, maybe this is the reason. |
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leeny
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,656
Location: Northern California
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Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
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Post by leeny on Nov 26, 2017 0:55:39 GMT
Hugs to you! I just saw this in my Mom last month around the first anniversary of my Dad's death. She is so rattled that she is seeing a neurologist on Monday thinking something more is going on. She forgot some appointments and has laughed them off. I told my sisters I think it was the timeing of the event. Glad there is more info on it.
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Post by mom on Nov 26, 2017 0:56:04 GMT
Oh, jenjie . I am sorry you are finding yourself feeling off. I know for me, if I have a good cry about a week before the anniversary/holiday then I am much more able in handing the event. But you can bet if I dont have my good cry, then I will be scatterbrained and irritatable. I've just learned to go ahead, get my cry out and move forward. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 26, 2017 1:02:16 GMT
My dad reacts in the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of his helicopter being shot down in Vietnam.
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Post by gramasue on Nov 26, 2017 1:03:03 GMT
Sending hugs, Jen.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 1:03:04 GMT
Hugs to you! I just saw this in my Mom last month around the first anniversary of my Dad's death. She is so rattled that she is seeing a neurologist on Monday thinking something more is going on. She forgot some appointments and has laughed them off. I told my sisters I think it was the timeing of the event. Glad there is more info on it. That is exactly why I shared this. I hope she is feeling better soon. Grief can cause all kinds of physical responses. I don’t know if you remember but at one point I had such a rapid heartbeat and was out of breath over the littlest things. I got a stress test and it was found to be just that, stress. I went on Xanax for maybe 6 months. She is wise to get checked out physically just to be sure and to reassure herself. |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 1:03:51 GMT
My dad reacts in the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of his helicopter being shot down in Vietnam. I believe it. I’m so sorry. |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 1:06:25 GMT
Oh, jenjie . I am sorry you are finding yourself feeling off. I know for me, if I have a good cry about a week before the anniversary/holiday then I am much more able in handing the event. But you can bet if I dont have my good cry, then I will be scatterbrained and irritatable. I've just learned to go ahead, get my cry out and move forward. Asking in all seriousness, how do you make yourself cry? I can’t. There are times I feel like crying and can’t—that’s physically painful. But this week, I didn’t emotionally feel like crying. I was busy doing stuff I enjoyed and learning stuff. |
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Post by mom on Nov 26, 2017 1:13:28 GMT
Oh, jenjie . I am sorry you are finding yourself feeling off. I know for me, if I have a good cry about a week before the anniversary/holiday then I am much more able in handing the event. But you can bet if I dont have my good cry, then I will be scatterbrained and irritatable. I've just learned to go ahead, get my cry out and move forward. Asking in all seriousness, how do you make yourself cry? I can’t. There are times I feel like crying and can’t—that’s physically painful. But this week, I didn’t emotionally feel like crying. I was busy doing stuff I enjoyed and learning stuff. I don't know that I make myself cry...the first time I did cry it was because I slowed down enough to realize I was sad still. But after that first time, I now take time out - usually a week or so ahead of time, and reflect and think about my mom and my daughter. Im not sitting around depressed or anything. I just slow down and spend an afternoon going through our scrapbooks of them. And yeah, it makes me cry (still). Afterwards though, I take a deep breath and can feel the fog lift. Its almost a ritual for me now. Just giving myself time to slow down, think and feel. SaveSave |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 1:16:24 GMT
Asking in all seriousness, how do you make yourself cry? I can’t. There are times I feel like crying and can’t—that’s physically painful. But this week, I didn’t emotionally feel like crying. I was busy doing stuff I enjoyed and learning stuff. I don't know that I make myself cry...the first time I did cry it was because I slowed down enough to realize I was sad still. But after that first time, I now take time out - usually a week or so ahead of time, and reflect and think about my mom and my daughter. Im not sitting around depressed or anything. I just slow down and spend an afternoon going through our scrapbooks of them. And yeah, it makes me cry (still). Afterwards though, I take a deep breath and can feel the fog lift. Its almost a ritual for me now. Just giving myself time to slow down, think and feel. SaveSaveThank you. I’ll try that before Christmas. And I’m so sorry about your mom and daughter. 😔 |
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Deleted
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Jun 15, 2024 2:26:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2017 1:25:12 GMT
Yes. We have a anniversary next week. I almost cried during TG prayer.
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Post by snugglebutter on Nov 26, 2017 1:32:18 GMT
I read somewhere that the body remembers before the mind does and I have found that to be true in my personal experiences of trauma and loss.
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Post by Merge on Nov 26, 2017 1:49:01 GMT
I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I find the anniversary effect to be a real thing - not just for grief bur for any major, life-changing trauma. Hugs to you.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 1:51:58 GMT
Merge and snugglebutter I’m sure both of your statements are true. Both of you and @elaynef I’m so sorry.
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Post by leslie132 on Nov 26, 2017 2:05:51 GMT
My father died (12 years ago) on September 28th. My daughter died on October 8th (7 years ago) and I can tell you that I am a wreck from around September 25th to mid October. It is a horrid month that is just a cry fest.... my heart just hurts all month long.....and I never need a calendar.....it just happens. This year I had to speak to my doctor. It is just to consuming!
Hugs to you. I hate that someone else validated that this happens to them. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
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Post by brynn on Nov 26, 2017 2:19:44 GMT
Hugs to all. After losing parents, decades apart, the anniversary reaction is a real thing.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 2:24:53 GMT
Hugs to all. After losing parents, decades apart, the anniversary reaction is a real thing. 😢 |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 2:25:16 GMT
My father died (12 years ago) on September 28th. My daughter died on October 8th (7 years ago) and I can tell you that I am a wreck from around September 25th to mid October. It is a horrid month that is just a cry fest.... my heart just hurts all month long.....and I never need a calendar.....it just happens. This year I had to speak to my doctor. It is just to consuming! Hugs to you. I hate that someone else validated that this happens to them. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m so sorry |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 26, 2017 2:29:32 GMT
I've tried to explain to people just how profound the effects are on my son for the anniversary of his father's death, and people who haven't experienced it just do not get it at all.
I've been told not to anticipate problems; that they'll become self-fulfilling thoughts.
Couldn't be further from reality, though.
Our bodies remember these dates even if we haven't clued in to the calendar yet (speaking for myself and my family). Realizing that those days around the anniversary (hits each person individually) are just gonna suck. Period. That's all there is to it. That's when we need extra down time & comfort food. We need to acknowledge it sucks and we must be gentle with ourselves and with each other and that makes it SO much easier.
Not paying attention and just trying to power through has led to some very serious consequences.
Please, please, please. Don't tell people to just get over it, to not anticipate having a day (or more) that just suck. Just acknowledge that it sucks.
Because it does.
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Post by txdancermom on Nov 26, 2017 2:35:44 GMT
Hugs. I think there is an anniversary effect - I have felt it.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 26, 2017 2:36:37 GMT
It was the weirdest thing but so glad I figured it out. My gf suggested it’s a subconscious thing. Like PTSD. I think she’s right. I decided to only do what was necessary and rest the remaining parts of the long weekend. Your friend is right. PTSD. BTDT and it hits without warning, causes havoc until you realize why... ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) for all! |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 2:37:44 GMT
I've tried to explain to people just how profound the effects are on my son for the anniversary of his father's death, and people who haven't experienced it just do not get it at all. I've been told not to anticipate problems; that they'll become self-fulfilling thoughts. Couldn't be further from reality, though. Our bodies remember these dates even if we haven't clued in to the calendar yet (speaking for myself and my family). Realizing that those days around the anniversary (hits each person individually) are just gonna suck. Period. That's all there is to it. That's when we need extra down time & comfort food. We need to acknowledge it sucks and we must be gentle with ourselves and with each other and that makes it SO much easier. Not paying attention and just trying to power through has led to some very serious consequences. Please, please, please. Don't tell people to just get over it, to not anticipate having a day (or more) that just suck. Just acknowledge that it sucks. Because it does. Yes yes yes. TBH leftturnonly I was thinking I'm so glad this waited until the day AFTER we got together! I wouldn't have known what was going on with me and you would think I was an idiot because I would be stumbling over every other word. |
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Post by leslie132 on Nov 26, 2017 2:43:36 GMT
I've tried to explain to people just how profound the effects are on my son for the anniversary of his father's death, and people who haven't experienced it just do not get it at all. I've been told not to anticipate problems; that they'll become self-fulfilling thoughts. Couldn't be further from reality, though. Our bodies remember these dates even if we haven't clued in to the calendar yet (speaking for myself and my family). Realizing that those days around the anniversary (hits each person individually) are just gonna suck. Period. That's all there is to it. That's when we need extra down time & comfort food. We need to acknowledge it sucks and we must be gentle with ourselves and with each other and that makes it SO much easier. Not paying attention and just trying to power through has led to some very serious consequences. Please, please, please. Don't tell people to just get over it, to not anticipate having a day (or more) that just suck. Just acknowledge that it sucks. Because it does. I have been working with a clean eating coach for 8 months and when September started I gave her a warning that my focus would shift and that I wouldn’t be able to stay the course with tracking food and following guidelines. She grasped my reasons.....but couldn’t really grasp the severity. I actually stopped the coaching and haven’t restarted back. I just lost focus.....I hope it comes back! |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 26, 2017 2:48:54 GMT
I wouldn't have known what was going on with me and you would think I was an idiot because I would be stumbling over every other word. BTDT. Like I said, I've lived through some pretty harsh consequences of trying to "just get over it". People who refuse to acknowledge what they're feeling can begin to take it out on their families and even sometimes decide that it's all someone else's fault that they feel bad. I've seen families torn apart because of it. Life is hard and it's that much harder when people refuse to look at the obvious source of their sadness because it's not acceptable to do so. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 26, 2017 2:54:12 GMT
She grasped my reasons.....but couldn’t really grasp the severity. I actually stopped the coaching and haven’t restarted back. I just lost focus.....I hope it comes back! I'm going to be quite blunt and suggest that you've lost respect for your coach. *If* she's a good coach and you enjoyed working with her, then talking with her outside of a session may be the only way to get back on track with her. But, if she doesn't give at all, if you don't feel that empathy that you need from her, I think it's time to find someone else. Life is short. It's hard enough to get through those days without trying to convince someone else how hard it is. At some point, we just say "Bye Felicia!" whether we consciously want to or not. |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 2:55:49 GMT
leslie132 oh wow do you feel like you never regained focus in general, or specific to the eating plan? It's true that people won't get it until it happens to them.
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 2:59:22 GMT
I wouldn't have known what was going on with me and you would think I was an idiot because I would be stumbling over every other word. BTDT. Like I said, I've lived through some pretty harsh consequences of trying to "just get over it". People who refuse to acknowledge what they're feeling can begin to take it out on their families and even sometimes decide that it's all someone else's fault that they feel bad. I've seen families torn apart because of it. Life is hard and it's that much harder when people refuse to look at the obvious source of their sadness because it's not acceptable to do so. Truth. And this that you said down thread: "It's hard enough to get through those days without trying to convince someone else how hard it is." |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 26, 2017 3:08:11 GMT
I slowed down enough to realize I was sad still. Sometimes, you've just got to slow down to move forward. Snails have been known to pass me, and I'm totally OK with that.  ETA - mom - I quoted you. ProBoards decided to change the names to confuse the innocent. |
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Post by jenjie on Nov 26, 2017 3:10:05 GMT
I slowed down enough to realize I was sad still. Sometimes, you've just got to slow down to move forward. Snails have been known to pass me, and I'm totally OK with that. What the heck! Look at the quote dates in your last post and mine. So weird! I don't know why I would have said that - in June 2014! |
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Post by leftturnonly on Nov 26, 2017 3:11:49 GMT
Sometimes, you've just got to slow down to move forward. Snails have been known to pass me, and I'm totally OK with that. What the heck! Look at the quote dates in your last post and mine. So weird! I don't know why I would have said that - in June 2014! You didn't, Jen. I quoted mom from this thread. Stupid Proboard error they haven't fixed yet. |
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