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Post by cookiemum on Nov 28, 2017 5:24:00 GMT
About 3 months ago I posted about my not quite 16 yo daughter. Unfortunately since my last post things have not improved and have actually become worse. However, she is now seeing a child psychologist. My dh and & I have had 2 sessions with just the 2 of us, D2 has had 2 individual sessions and we have our 1st group session tomorrow.
She changed schools to a coed public school at the semester, in July, and came back 2 months later asking to go back to Catholic school at a 3rd school for 2018. One of the conditions for submitting the application and accepting the enrollment was that she needed to see a therapist for strategies on how to make the transition easier. As we all know, going to yet a new school is not going to make the problems that happened at the first and got far worse at the 2nd, magically disappear. We transferred her to the 2nd school with the best of intentions. It's not been successful and I refuse to beat myself up over the decision.
Some very serious & concerning issues have arisen over the last few months the latest of which involved a visit to the police station where she was questioned and received an official caution. D2 is not taking it seriously and blamed the cop. On Monday dh and & I had already had a session booked to discuss family rules & expectations etc because she's had the conversation with D2 and in the group session wants to see where we can come to a compromise. As a result of the visit to the police station we aren't willing to compromise on anything and will instead have and are putting consequences and restrictions into place.
At the end of the session I asked the therapist if she might have Borderline Personality Disorder. The behaviour is not typical or appropriate for a 16 yo and a lot of the signs are there. She said it's far to early to diagnose that however, she has all the hallmarks of Opposition Defiant Disorder. I have to agree completely. As a result, we need clear, concrete rules and consequences as well as consistency. We have the consistency but reasoning does not work so we need to change our strategies.
I'm over feeling guilty that I've messed up my child. We are not permissive but are more lenient and have come to the realisation that we cannot parent her the same way that we parent D1. Both were very strong willed children, from small toddlers. D1 grew out of it around the age of 11; D2 unfortunately has not. Consequences mean nothing to D2. And in a lot of ways I feel like we are going back to parenting a preschooler. My dh and I are on the same page but he's not at the point of "not engaging" and walking away. I unfortunately have had a lot more practice.
Those of you with kids like this, do you have any suggestions for strategies that work? I know we need fail-proof consequences. I'm just wondering for some, what type of a consequence to apply for a kid who 1. Doesn't care & 2. Thinks her behaviour is completely reasonable and rational.
The reason for my original epic post was that she'd gone over her data limit 4x in a month adding $40 to the total bill. According to her it wasn't a big deal and we need to relax. I contacted the phone company and cannot turn off the auto top-up. I changed the notifications to me, screenshot and let her know when she's approaching going over and she doesn't care. We've had numerous discussions about ways to manage her data; she just doesn't care. This was not a one off and has happened every month since. As a result, she's going to be told that she has 2 days to pay the overspend. If she does not do that, her contract will be cancelled and she'll be put on a prepaid phone plan. If she pays, it will stay as it is, but the first time she goes over her limit, the plan will be cancelled and she'll be put on a prepaid. That's an easy one with a very straightforward consequence.
What do you do with swearing? She's very verbally abusive and I'm struggling for a matching consequence for foul language. My dh wants a swear jar with the monies used toward a family dinner. She'll laugh in our faces and never pay up.
Thank you in advance if you've read this far. I'm completely rung out being the adult. Constantly walking around on eggshells is beyond exhausting mentally and physically.
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,637 
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Post by craftymom101 on Nov 28, 2017 5:39:10 GMT
I don't have any experience with this but I couldn't read and run. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I hope your therapist can provide some support and answers for you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 20:12:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 5:51:01 GMT
What did the therapist say? Did he/she offer any therapies or programs to help?
A friends son has ODD on top of Autism and ADHD. He is 11. He had to do a partial 2 week program over summer and then started intensive therapy that is group and individual 3x a week. It has been 4 months and the head pshch thinks he will graduate at the end of December.
It took about 3.5 months before improvement was seen.
They took him off certain meds and placed him on others.
The family also pulled him from public school and placed him in a private Christian school. Public ed was too much for him and caused so many issues.
I hope you can find the right program for her.
Hugs
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Post by nlwilkins on Nov 28, 2017 5:59:18 GMT
It sounds like you have your hands full there.
Consequences do not seem to bother her. I doubt she will be paying the data overages, and there is no way to make her. She knows that. You need to come up with consequences that do not require actions on her part. Also, don't wait on the taking the phone away, do it now and in the future, don't give her deadlines or time to correct her behavior. Consequences should be immediate. She knows what she is doing it wrong, no need to warn her or give her second chances or time to change. It is just not going to happen. You might point out to her that her behavior is that of a toddler who does not have any sense. Her self image is that she can do no wrong and that she knows better than you. I would work with that and point out how she is showing a lack of maturity and that the swearing definitely shows a lace of vocabulary. Also, ask her how it would be if everyone acted the way she did. Make her see how she is acting is so ridiculous in one her age, even if you have to mock her in a gentle teasing way.
BUT, talk to her, love her and make sure she knows it is her welfare and future that you are concerned about. Give her hugs and lots of touching. Try to connect to her in any way you can. If she has a special interest, see if the two of you can do activities in that area together. If she has favorite foods, make the for her and make sure she knows you made them specially for her. You have to make sure she is not isolated and that she knows you love her - connections to the family might be what saves her from herself.
These are some of the tactics I used when dealing with Alternative school middle school students. They had extremely inflated opinions of themselves and did not see what was wrong with their behavior even though they knew the behavior was against the norms. Sometimes I wondered if they were so adamant that their behavior was OK because they did not want to admit they were in the wrong. Teens rarely will do that, it takes a lot of maturity to admit stuff like that.
Oh GEE this sound so like our President!!! Ooops sorry, but won't delete that.
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Post by tuva42 on Nov 28, 2017 16:15:50 GMT
Sounds like the consequences need to get much tougher. The phone is a privilege, not a right. I recommend you take it away from her. Does she have a car, is she abusing that privilege, too? I'd take it away. Take the door off her room, ground her until the behavior improves. If she uses foul language with you, she goes to her room and stays until she can truly apologize. She needs a wake up call. The behavior seems reasonable to her because nothing really bad happens when she does it. Does she have a job? Perhaps make her quit. She can go to school, come home, go no where else. Ever. Until the behavior stops.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Nov 28, 2017 16:40:05 GMT
That's tough momma! I can feel the stress in your post and I am glad you are all doing therapy. Thank you for doing that vs. making this a HER problem.
I recommend you go back to the basics of setting consequences. Exactly as if she were a preschooler. Personally, I love the Love and Logic premise but there are other programs out there.
Your consequences are not consequences they are choices. For example, 4 months she went over data. 4 MONTHS? Was the rule, "never?" Then the consequence comes then. Not 4 months later. Also, if the rule is no overages then the answer is NOT pay up. Money is not this child's currency. Take the phone away. Period. The first time. You can't make her pay so why would that be a consequence? It isn't even enforceable. So when you set consequences for behavior, remember, no choices, firm and immediate.
Why is she swearing? What is the consequence for swearing? You don't listen or engage. Period. Every time. You can walk away or you can ask her to leave. Really figure out why she is swearing - probably because it gets to you... so the rule is stop, or I'll stop listening. Every. time.
What is her currency? Her real currency? Not money, not her phone, freedom? Control? Attention?
Sadly, even with ODD, she has to learn. And, she will, but it takes time. Good luck!!
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 28, 2017 17:05:31 GMT
I'm sorry. This sounds exhausting. I had a difficult child in our DS.
I wish I had magic words of wisdom for you. Hugs, mama.
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Post by trixiecat on Nov 28, 2017 17:40:25 GMT
I am so sorry. I have a son who probably has a little ODD. It is tough. And now my daughter is starting in at 16 . And trys to turn around why she isn't allowed to have sleepovers and make me the reason she will not have friends. I will repeat...this is tough. I hope the counseling gives you the tools, confidence and power to get through this.
Remember pick your battles. Make her responsible for her actions and have natural consequences whenever you can. And let her fail if she can't follow through. I know this isn't a great solution, but we have Verizon. They have something called Family Base where you can set the amount of data you give to each phone in your house and also see who they are texting and calling. It is $4.99 per month and has been a saviour for us. I give each of us 2G of data and when they hit the limit their data is done until the next cycle. No complaints, nothing.
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Post by trixiecat on Nov 28, 2017 18:39:03 GMT
One other thing. Have you looked at the Empowering Parents website. They have some really good sound advice I think and explain things nicely.
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 28, 2017 18:50:33 GMT
I don't have a child with ODD, but I do have a 20 YO DS with Asperger's. For him, we needed those concrete rules to help him navigate the world.
I was always a parent who encouraged individuality and creativity. But I needed to help him find the societal norms that we all live within. We talked a lot about how you behave differently in different situations. Swear with your friends, but not at school or to adults. Stay within your data limits because it's expensive to go over the limit and we only have so much money that we should be spending on cell phones. The overage is just wasteful.
For starters, I'd recommend putting her on a pay as you go plan. This way, she cannot go over. There's no grey line and no option to go over, and you don't have to fight about it 4 times a month. The Verizon plan mentioned above sounds good. And I know Walmart has plans for smartphones where you can buy by the minutes/# of texts/data usage. My in laws did this when they weren't certain if they wanted a smartphone. The Walmart employees were very helpful with navigating all the ins and outs of it. I'd also sit down and show her how to turn off data over 4G (she probably already knows this) and only use data when connected to WIFI. That's why my family does and it's very helpful. You can still use 4G, but you have to turn it on to do so. And then remember to turn it off again--which she may not do. Then she will run over her allotment and not have a phone for the remainder of the month unless she's on WIFI. Most schools have WIFI now, so she shouldn't need that much 4G data.
As for the $160 in charges that she has already incurred, I'd make her work it off with household chores, but I'd choose to do the chores with her. Cleaning up after dinner, helping with dinner, raking leaves, etc. It's going to take a lot of your time as well, but I'd look at it more as discipline, rather than punishment. You go over=you pay to fix it. It's not a punishment, it's just the way life is.
You may be interested in the Love & Logic books. I found them a great guide for parenting my neurotypical DD as well as my DS. It helps find natural consequences for when kids mess up. I tried to approach discipline more with the guide to teaching what was the right thing to do, rather than a punishment for wrong doing.
As for currency, it sounds like the phone could be one of her currencies. It doesn't have to be something big. But every person has one, even if she tells you that she doesn't care.
At the end of the day, you can't take it personally. And you and your DH need to be on the same page and present a united front. It won't be easy, but she isn't a lost soul yet.
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Post by Really Red on Nov 28, 2017 19:03:12 GMT
I don't have a child with ODD, but I have a very difficult 17yo with depression. I second the Love & Logic books, but the problem is that a lot of these things work when the kids are young and and unless you start then, it's hard to change at 16. I recently read (well, partially read) the book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! and I would highly recommend it. I actually made my child read some of it (a few pages here and there) when he was particularly annoying. It may not make things perfect (well, it won't), but it does help a lot. I love that you are going to family counseling. That is the BEST. My ex is not on the same page and not involved and many of our problems stem from that. One thing I have found to be successful is that my son makes the consequences. It doesn't always work, but he understands the limits. Since he's been driving, it's been easy. Taking away a phone is a great start, too. But I wouldn't be quick not to put her in a different school. That is to say, sometimes you make a mistake and sometimes you can fix it. If this is not a monetary issue, then I'd be tempted to do it with the psych's recommendation. I always tell my kids the two mistakes that can't be fixed are birth and death. Don't have a baby and don't do anything to put yourself in harm's way. Other than that, we can change things. That's part of being a teen. Their brains are just crazy. I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I'm on the ending part of the mess. We have more good days than bad, but when I had bad days (and it was bad YEARS), it was truly awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The book really did help understand my child more. I hope family counseling is helpful. |
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Post by mom on Nov 28, 2017 19:12:10 GMT
I am sorry you are having to deal with this cookiemum. It sounds like you have your hands full. I agree - try the Love and Logic book/website. My oldest has Aspergers and ADHD - the Love and Logic method completely changed how we deal with our children, but mainly him. We dont' argue, fight. He has natural consequences for his actions. I also agree with nlwilkins . Paying the overage charges means nothing to her. She apparently knows 1) you won't make her or 2) she thinks the cost is worth it, even if it means you complain. She needs to know that when she goes over, the data is gone. No more until the next month. cookiemum you say you and yoru DH are not willing to compromise on anything. Please be careful saying this. There are things you can compromise on & allow your daughter to feel that she has control over something in her life. I think the swearing is a result of her feeling like she cant control anything....but only she can control what comes out her mouth. Very rarely is no compromise the best way to handle teens. They will only dig their heels in and make things worse. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Nov 28, 2017 19:56:28 GMT
I agree with eleezybeth. I would put swearing in the same category as I would put whining, rude sarcasm, etc. - anything I didn't want to have to listen to. Swearing is likely for shock value, or to make you angry. Don't engage with that. As soon as she swears, the conversation is over. Walk away.
A good way to get this across though is to make sure that when she is talking to you, you stop what you are doing and give her full eye contact and attention (we should practice doing this with everyone really). Not only is it showing her respect in a conversation, but makes the transition to you ending the conversation when she starts swearing more impactful. As soon as she swears, you break eye contact and stop listening. It's not always possible to leave the room, so just go about your business no longer giving her any attention. In fact, you don't have to regard the beginning of the conversation before she started swearing. Swearing negates whatever she was trying to say, ask, whatever. She can come back later and restart the conversation when she's ready and you'll be ready to give her your full attention again.
Good luck. You have to be unflinchingly consistent. And it will be exhausting. But you can do it!!!
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Post by zztop11 on Nov 28, 2017 21:35:28 GMT
"cookiemum you say you and yoru DH are not willing to compromise on anything. Please be careful saying this. There are things you can compromise on & allow your daughter to feel that she has control over something in her life. I think the swearing is a result of her feeling like she cant control anything....but only she can control what comes out her mouth. Very rarely is no compromise the best way to handle teens. They will only dig their heels in and make things worse."
I agree. There are some things you can compromise on. She definitely needs to feel as though she has some control over her life. Not to sounds like a b*tch, but she has some control whether you like it or not. From the time our children are born, it's about teaching them to make good decisions and accept consequences when something goes wrong. Since she has money for the cell phone, maybe you can set up an account for her so that she is in charge of paying the bill. This way the overages become real to her. She'll feel it when she sees the money coming out of her account. And even if she doesn't mind paying the extra money, that's OK too. Because it's her money and she gets to spend it how she pleases. My sister has a son with high functioning Asperger's. She did this for him a few years ago and it's worked wonders. He is in control and has learned to be more independent.
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Post by zztop11 on Nov 28, 2017 21:39:54 GMT
I forgot there was more I wanted to say. Please continue with the individual counseling for yourself and your husband. A good therapist will have lots of ideas to help you deal with the swearing and other inappropriate behaviors. For now, I would try to ignore it as much as you can. I know that's hard. It's all you want to do is to go over to her and set her straight. But try not to give her "fuel" by getting into a conversation about the swearing. Discuss it together with the therapist. I know for a while, my sister did not discuss much with her son. It was all done with the therapist present and little by little, things worked out. It's certainly not perfect, but there is much more peace in the family.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
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Post by RosieKat on Nov 28, 2017 22:04:06 GMT
What is her currency? Her real currency? Not money, not her phone, freedom? Control? Attention? One of the really hard things with these kids is that they often have no discernible currency. I agree with eleezybeth. I would put swearing in the same category as I would put whining, rude sarcasm, etc. - anything I didn't want to have to listen to. Swearing is likely for shock value, or to make you angry. Don't engage with that. As soon as she swears, the conversation is over. Walk away. I agree. While the language may be ugly and not something you'd ever imagine allowing in your home, I'd disengage rather than creating an issue of it. My son has ODD although he's not yet a teen, and one tip we've found to parenting/discipline deals with emotional intensity. My son craves intense emotions from us. And think about the general way we parent - we expect the good stuff and at most give a low key "good job" for something - but the second the kid misbehaves, we yell, scream, punish, etc. We had to learn to put the emotional intensity into the good behaviors, and for the bad ones, we just "turn off." Robotic responses, with no emotion. (This is assuming the kid knows the behavior is bad, which by teenage time, they should know this 99.9% of the time.) I have to run, but will try to remember to come back to this later. |
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zella
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Post by zella on Nov 28, 2017 22:08:36 GMT
I feel for you. We went through hell with our DD1. She also had no currency. None. No punishment affected her. I know that people think everyone has a currency, but I don't think this is true. Your daughter sounds exactly like ours. Her most outrageous behavior? Running away from our home outside of Seattle to Denver, using my debit card to buy herself a plane ticket. She did this twice. The first time she was only 14. But the scariest thing that happened was when she had a psychotic break and we had to have her hospitalized against her will.
I have no clue how we got through those years, or how she survived. But I'm here to tell you there is hope. DD1 is now 28, married and a momma (and a good mom the majority of the time). She still has major struggles, but she's alive and functioning and she's living with us and although it's hard some days, we're managing. How did we all get through the hard years? I have no clue. The only advice I have is to try to show love to that kid, no matter how hard it is to do so, no matter how much you hate her some days, because she may turn around at some point and need that love, and if she knows she can count on you for that love, no matter how awful she's been, then she may one day become a better person with your help. I always say to parents just don't do anything to shut down communication. Right now your daughter may not come to you with problems and pain, but if she does be sure to listen and be open. Just keep trying. That's all you can do.
I'm sending you a huge cyberhug; it's not your fault, and you're doing the very best you can.
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Post by katiejane on Nov 29, 2017 0:04:49 GMT
Lots of good advice from the peas. ODD is really hard work,. Because as much as you try and lay down rules, she will be hot wired to fight back.
The swearing I would ignore, and not react to. The phone I would move to a pay as you go and make sure she has security on the account so she can't top it up.
As for rules, decide on those you can't live without. Because whatever you decide will be a big fight. And if she does have odd, she won't be able to stop herself pushing back and fighting them. There are some good support groups for PDA and odd on the internet, which might help so you don't feel so alone.
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Post by cookiemum on Nov 29, 2017 1:33:47 GMT
Thank you everyone for your feedback. To clarify, she paid us back for the extra that she went over on her bill. It took a bit but she did it. We just received the Nov17 bill and she's gone over by $40 again. The therapist suggested that rather than just cutting her off completely we give her a day to pay, if she doesn't do that, then she'll be put on a prepaid plain.
When she starts yelling/screaming/throwing a tantrum/swearing I tell her I won't talk to her any more and walk away. I don't engage because I know that's exactly what she wants. Not to say I don't slip up at times, I do, but they are not frequent. Dh on the other hand really has to work at it. He's getting better but it's been hard.
When I said we will compromise on nothing, what I mean was that our current level of compromise will not become more lax and in a few instances, will only become more restrictive. For example, one thing she really enjoys is going to concerts. She works and pays for her own tickets etc. Up until our police station visit after her first music festival, we allowed her to go to concerts/festivals without a parent, but she was not allowed to take the train/bus home alone, at midnight. She either traveled with a friend or we'd pick her up. No discussion. We compromised on letting her go without a parent, but the travel was non-negotiable. After the latest incident, there will be no concerts/festivals for the next 6 months. She has a part-time job and gets $10/week from us. She never collects the $$ from us and seems to use it as a savings plan which is fine. She feels she's "owed" more $$ and when she goes out with friends, wants us to give her $$ to go out to eat. We've told her that she can do chores and earn more $, but that's beneath her and she doesn't feel she should spend her own money on food because "we owe her". So no, there will be no compromise on spending $$. We're happy to pay more but she needs to earn it. She doesn't want to? Then we aren't giving her $$.
In terms of her currency, that's a really hard one. She used to have a lot of sleepovers with friends and liked going shopping. She's not big into parties and staying out late. Kids cannot get their driver's license until 17 so that does not apply here. She seemed to think we were going keep her in the house for the next 6 months but never had any intention of doing so. She communicates mostly through social media and text so locking her in the house with her phone and computer really wouldn't make much of a difference or be a deterrent. The hardest thing for her will be reduced access to social media and internet. We require that her phone is put out into the living room before bed and she can get it back in the morning (she doesn't like it but she does comply with this rule). She is allowed to keep her computer in her room because internet access cuts off over night. She's now going to have to put the phone and computer out earlier in the evening and access to Netflix etc has been cut and she'll need to watch it in the family room. She is also not going to be allowed to go to a music festival in March. She's bought the ticket but will have to sell it. In addition, because we cannot trust her and cannot trust that she's where she says she is, we are going to put a tracker on her phone and we will require the iTunes acct details for Find My iPhone. If she does not comply, the phone plan will be cancelled and the phone taken away.
The psychologist said we need time limits for the punishments and that they need to be reasonable. Based on the police incident we've set it at 6 months and will review after that. There are other conditions and rules that I've not mentioned but hopefully what I've said makes sense.
Please let me know if I've missed anything.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 29, 2017 1:47:47 GMT
Does she see a psychiatrist at all??? Not psychologist...A psychiatrist can diagnose BPD. Not sure where you live but I have taught kids with ODD and BPD---you have to be consistent with rules/consequences. No bargaining--no changing rules. Also..she has to be part of the decision making of those consequences. Ask her what she thinks is fair--for example--for missing curfew etc. I have found that when students/kids are part of that process, the are more likely they are to be engaged. BUT whatever you decide--You have to be consistent. If she can't follow your rules, then maybe she doesn't get to live at home or pick the school she thinks she should go to.
ETA: Any chance she is depressed?? Your comment about how she doesn't care and says so is her defense mechanism to showing how she really feels..anger is often a mask for many other emotions like sadness, disappointment, self hate.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 29, 2017 1:50:19 GMT
she's had the conversation with D2 and in the group session wants to see where we can come to a compromise. As a result of the visit to the police station we aren't willing to compromise on anything and will instead have and are putting consequences and restrictions into place. I truly would wait to put restrictions etc in place until you are with the therapist. |
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eleezybeth
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Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Nov 29, 2017 2:37:19 GMT
What is her currency? Her real currency? Not money, not her phone, freedom? Control? Attention? One of the really hard things with these kids is that they often have no discernible currency. I agree with eleezybeth. I would put swearing in the same category as I would put whining, rude sarcasm, etc. - anything I didn't want to have to listen to. Swearing is likely for shock value, or to make you angry. Don't engage with that. As soon as she swears, the conversation is over. Walk away. I agree. While the language may be ugly and not something you'd ever imagine allowing in your home, I'd disengage rather than creating an issue of it. My son has ODD although he's not yet a teen, and one tip we've found to parenting/discipline deals with emotional intensity. My son craves intense emotions from us. And think about the general way we parent - we expect the good stuff and at most give a low key "good job" for something - but the second the kid misbehaves, we yell, scream, punish, etc. We had to learn to put the emotional intensity into the good behaviors, and for the bad ones, we just "turn off." Robotic responses, with no emotion. (This is assuming the kid knows the behavior is bad, which by teenage time, they should know this 99.9% of the time.) I have to run, but will try to remember to come back to this later. Ah, but there in lies the rub. She DOES have a currency - she is ODD after all. The disorder is such that her currency is not going to be tangible in many cases. She wants control, to be older, wiser and in more control than her parent. Engaging in an argument is currency. Having a say is currency. It isn't a phone, or money it's freedom, it is control, it is status, position, etc. Break it down and figure out what is more important. I have my own little neurotypical child who challenges this notion of currency and consequence daily. When I started to see what her true currency was, it was easier. We think like adults where currency = money/stuff. But mine is a child where currency is time, control, freedom and a voice. Those are also really easy to reward. Control is interesting. She can control herself or I can (choose hair, choose clothes, choose routine, etc.) or she can earn control - choose dinner, choose color of pancakes, choose what she wants to drink at a restaurant, etc. |
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Post by meridon on Nov 29, 2017 2:43:53 GMT
Oh boy, I'm right there with you. My DD is younger and we don't have an official diagnosis there but it's coming....I really think it's RAD, but since she's about to turn 12, I doubt we'll get that and it will be ODD instead. Our big battles lately are over personal hygiene. I have to physically bathe and dress her some days. All I can really advise is just be sure you're practicing your self care and prioritizing your marriage. I know that if I'm not careful, I end up being so emotionally exhausted from dealing with DD's crap that I have no emotional energy for myself or DH. On my bad days I have to remind myself that if she wants to be miserable, so be it, but she won't take me or my marriage down with her! If she's ODD, she doesn't truly understand cause and effect, so what would seem to be logical consequences don't really work like they do with other kids. You have to learn to be completely unemotional and not let her trigger you (which is super hard, I know). Think of everything as a business deal. If this, then this. Also, ask her from time to time "what's in it for me?" to remind her that your relationship is a two way street. If she wants something from you, then she has to give you something--relationships are reciprocal. Do NOT let her triangulate you and your husband or you and your DH and the therapist. They can be master manipulators! I would try to just ride it out for now and see what the therapist says. I also agree that a psychologist might be enough and I'd seek out a psychiatrist. Edited to add: and yes, it is ultimately about a need for control. For my own DD,things have ramped up at school academically now that she's in middle school and has 6 teachers instead of 2. Since she can't be in control at school, she acts out at home to control ev.ery.thing. You might also consider this resource. It's not cheap, but it might be a stopgap measure until you can get into a routine with a therapist. The website does have lots of good info. I don't have personal experience with the audio course, but it gets good reviews: The ODD Lifeline |
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