Anyone dealt with drug / Alcholic addict family member?

I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts (most of whom are dead or well on their way). Please be gentle with yourself - you can't help the way that you feel and wanting the pain to stop doesn't make you a "shitty person". I've had those thoughts on more than one occasion, not because I wished my family member ill, but because I wanted the pain that they caused EVERY other member of the family to just stop. Your niece is not the same person she was - she IS her disease, that's "who" you're talking to/dealing with and there's no amount of reasoning or love or communication that can break through to an addict who's still actively using. I'm so sorry that your family is dealing with this.

Just wanted to say i'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have a lot of experience but do know that unless they actually want to make changes to their lives, then there isn't much you can do. They have to see how unmanageable their lives are and want to change that.

I feel for your family, I've seen some of what you're talking about - the lying and total disregard for those around you as well as yourself. It can definitely be hard to wrap your head around.

We dealt with this several years ago: my husband's brother is an alcoholic and was living with his elderly mother. Our biggest concerns were with the stresses and difficulties for my mother-in-law, including possible risks from my brother-in-law smoking while drunk and causing a fire or something.

It was a difficult time - my BIL would sometimes say he wanted help, but to him that usually meant us accepting that he drinks "to forget" and letting him do what he needed. We had a hard time with that because my MIL was living with him and his drinking to forget often meant that he didn't actually forget but obsessed about the issues instead, and behaved badly when doing so. He was once found unconscious on a sidewalk from falling and hitting his head while drunk; his BAC was ridiculously high. He ended up in detox but declined further treatment.

Things got very tense a couple times, including the police being called and him being arrested. Eventually he chose to move and go back to an area of the country where he was happier - and which removed him from our daily lives. That was possible because he did have regular social security income and some funds from the sale of his house. It's much more diffficult when the addict will become homeless - but no treatment or ultimatums will work until the addict is ready and willing to acknowledge and work on the problems. Letting them hit rock bottom is hard to do, and brings with it risks, but that's the only way for many.

I watched my sister abuse drugs, both prescription drugs and illegal drugs, for over 30 years. I watched it almost tear my mother and father apart. I finally reached the point where I realized my sister's choice were her choices - not mine, not my mother's, etc. This was the most freeing thing I ever experienced when it came to my sister. I was tired of dropping my life with my family and driving five hours to run to my mother's side when my sister OD'd on something.

My Mom finally started coming around and cut the money supply off. My sister was on just about every government program she could get on. Her husband just stuck his head in the ground. My Mom felt more guilty about her grand-daugthers than anything and that sucked the life out of her more than the guilt of my sister's bad choices.

The last time my sister was found unconscious and my mother called I had to tell her "no" I am not coming. What I told my mother - "I've dropped everything the last five times and I am not coming anymore. My family needs me here. If XXX is going to continue to make bad choices she has to live with them. I've watched everyone pull her out of the hole she digs for 30 years. I love you, Mom, but I will no longer be a part of XXX's continued enablement."

My sister never woke up. All life support was pulled on Day 3. She died 14 days later. I did attend her funeral. My mother was so disappointed she kept the funeral private. My nieces were disappointed in me not being by their mother's bedside. I sat them down at the table and told them point blank - "I know you mother loved you very much, but you mother made choices for the past 30 years, before you were born, that put her in this position. This is not your fault and don't ever think it was. XXX did this to herself. The only person who will ever know why she did what she did is her. XXX was given every opportunity to succeed and her choices screwed them up because she decided drugs were more fun and felt better. Use your mother's life as an example of what not to do with yours. Drugs and alcohol kill. It doesn't matter if they are obtained legally or illegally. Your number one priority life is to take care of you because the only way you can take care of others is if you take care of yourself first. Yes, it does sound selfish but it is the only way you can set boundaries and not let other's take advantage of you. Love yourself first and be your own best friend."

Three-and-a-half years later and my neices are doing better than they ever have and life has continued forward.

You can't fix an addict. They have to want to change and do the work to change. Words don't cut it. Watching an addict go down the pit of darkness is sad, disappointing, shocking, and downright ugly because you know they were brought up better than that. Watching those we love and their co-dependency is even worse. Find a practice of peace (religion, meditation, nature, etc.) and practice is regularly. Stay out of the addict's drama. Do not give an addict money. Don't trust what they say. Try to support your Dad with as much love as you can. He will need your ears and shoulders for support. It sucks and I wish I could give you more but it is not your situation to try to manage or control.

Sending you lots of love.

Yes. Please forgive yourself. The anger is normal and it helps you survive.

And make sure your dad has all his medications and all his financial information locked down tight.

My sympathies to you and to all the peas who have dealt with this, both those posting here and those who haven't.

I will validate you, then read the other responses. My elder sister, on the day our beloved Dad died suddenly, would not open the door to her flat when younger sister and I came to tell her. We knew she would be drunk but we did not know she would have a boyfriend in even more of a mess than she was living with her.

To cut a long story short, by the time my brother (eldest) my DH and I got back from the funeral home, about 2 hours later, the boyfriend had found and hidden in his backpack the keys to my Dad's truck and my Mom's new car, together with some small saleable stuff. Plans to move in with my Mom, that very night, to "look after her" were afoot. I had to be the bad guy, backed up by my DH. My Dad had tried, repeatedly, to help her and had eventually given up. He would NEVER have allowed them to move in, never in a million years. It got ugly but I would do it all over again.

Your feelings are normal, IMO. I wish you peace.