While I know nobody’s family is perfect...

Does your mother have siblings?
Is she a member of a church?
Siblings know what she going through
And a pastor can guide her through this.

Or I would recommend a grief counselor.

(((hugs))) You are not alone.

The best thing you can do for yourself is take care of yourself. I'd tell her that I love her and value our relationship. I'd also tell her because I love her I'm going to take a break. I'd tell her that I will always be there for her but that the current situation is just not tolerable, that you feel more like a punching bag than a daughter. Will it be a hard conversation, yep.

I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard when you feel you can do nothing right. And the mother/ daughter dynamic is fraught with emotional dynamite that few other relationships have.

I also feel empathy for your mother. I am exactly her age and am watching my parents face difficult health issues. For me, I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities of helping them as well as trying to guide my young adult children through the learning curve of being on their own. I am not in charge of any of them and when things go wrong I feel out of control. Plus I am facing my own age related issues and coming to terms with the fact that this is my future and most of the things I dreamt of doing someday will most likely never happen.

Be honest with you Mom. Be a good listener. Show lots of empathy. And when it is all too much take a step back and remove yourself from the relationship for a few days, if possible. Think about speaking with a counselor yourself. And do something nice for yourself that will help relieve your stress. The elder race is a marathon not a sprint so we all need all of the resources possible to make it to the finish.

I bet she knows she's being a pill but suggesting that she go to therapy or whatever will put her on the defensive. I'd make it about you when she's acting this way. "I'm sorry but it makes me uncomfortable (unhappy, etc) when your behavior is like this. I'm leaving. Call me when you are feeling like talking / dealing with this in a more level headed way."

Taking care of older parents is difficult. We're helping my mil and her sister and it's quite a job. I took care of my parents when one was dying and one had a heart attack at the same time. My stress level was through the roof, but I didn't recognize it at the time. Your mom is likely in the same boat and very overwhelmed, though she probably doesn't realize it, because she's in business mode and just doing what needs to get done.

I think an open conversation w/your mom is in order. Let her know how you feel when she takes her stress out on you. She's using you as a whipping post because you're safe. Are you interested in a girl's weekend where you two can get away and just unwind and relax togther? If she is adamant that she doesn't want therapy maybe little things will help. Then if she gets angry and awful you can back away for a bit and take care of yourself. Your mom needs your support, but if she's being mean and taking it all out on you that's not acceptable and you aren't obligated to be the brunt of her rage. Yelling at a Walmart employee speaks to the level of her frustration, sadness, anger and fear. Try to support her, but don't hurt yourself in the process.

I was your mother a few years ago. I was caring for my dad with a terminal illness and my narcissistic mother. They lived 2 hours away, couldn’t drive, and refused to live with us (we had plenty of room, and a separate guest suite just for them.) I was the care manager, driver, listener at the doctor, grocery shopper, education organizer, appointment scheduler, you name it. My one brother took care of the finances, and visited every week or so to get the bills, and sometimes took mom grocery shopping. My other brother would visit occasionally, and I tried so hard to get him to take responsibility for one thing, like their dentist appointments. I asked him to schedule them at a time that he could go and drive them there. Not to involve me at all. Every six months He’d call me the day before the appointment and tell me he couldn’t make it. There was much more, but this is just to lay the groundwork.

I also had two kids in high school and my DH had a job a 1 1/2 hour drive the other direction from my parents.

I was mean, crabby, exhausted, and just plain done. People TOLD me I was doing to much, TOLD me to get help, TOLD me I needed therapy. I was so stressed out by all my responsibilities, and being TOLD what I SHOULD be doing with no offers to help just fried my chickens.

What did I really need? Somebody to say, “why don’t I take over this one responsibility for you?” “How about I go and take your mom shopping this week?” “May I be in charge of the Podiatrist appointments?” And then I needed them to DO what they offered. Without me having to check up on them.

Heck, I just needed someone to listen to all my worries and help me work out a solution. Not TELL me what to do, but discuss my options with me.

I would suggest you google “active listening” and watch a few videos about it. It might help your relationship with your mom.

Both my parents are gone now, and I’m STILL stressed out about it. I have a huge amount of guilt about not doing enough, not forcing my brothers to do more. Not being there more. I was just so overwhelmed, I didn’t have the strength to manage everyone else.

And yes, I was that lady at the Walmart a couple of times.

Sorry, if my mom were around and we lived close we would probably have a very tense relationship, I think the only way I could tolerate her as an adult would be long distance.

just breathe, maybe when the stressful issues in her life calm down, your relationship may return

This...oh so much this. 

I think you know that people do not have picture perfect lives and certainly not the pictures they paste on social media.

If I can give you one word of advice, in addition to the Peas advice of trying to find some way to take care of yourself, is that when your mom wigs out on someone, anyone, you put your arms around her and you say "I understand, Mom. It sucks and I'm sorry." It is SO SO SO powerful to feel like someone hears you and listens to you and supports you. It really does calm you down in the moment. We've all been your mom at one point or another in our lives - lashing out at someone when we're really unhappy with something else. Instead of getting angry, just give her some love.

mikklynn My heart aches for the load you bear now. It's just awful.
PenandInk That is just how I feel. I was balancing 24/7 care of 2 young teens and an adolescent, a divorce, and driving 8 hrs RT to take care of my mom and never ever felt that I did enough for anyone. There are few days that don't go by that I don't regret not doing more. I'm sorry you feel that way.

I've been the go-to person for all of my family since I was in college. I live near the hospital, and was the one who always got called to come when someone ended up there. For many years my mom and I (only half-jokingly) used to wonder, when I was approaching any kind of break from school, which of my grandparents would end up in the hospital this time. For about six years, almost every teaching break, no matter how long or short, was spent with a grandparent in the hospital or dying.

I had some calm years in there, but then after I got married, we went through the deaths of my husband's sister and brother, with time spent out of town at the hospital in Iowa City. Then it was my uncles and our nephew. Along the way my brother broke his leg, had a pulmonary embolism that stopped his breathing (he survived but had a long recovery), and then developed severe kidney failure that eventually put him on dialysis. I wa the person there for every surgery and every doctor visit I could make (his wife isn't so good at getting the detailed information). I was at the hospital every day when he was a patient. My mother-in-law's health became very rocky and she was in and out of hospital and rehab. My dad got ill and then died. My mother-in-law died 18 months later. Then my sister-in-law's vision seriously deteriorated and she could no longer drive. I was hanging in there for everything and being that person who could be relied upon.

THEN, my husband retired and was diagnosed with cancer just a few months later. HE was then my main focus. I was lucky in that my sister, who can't drive because of vision issues, and her husband, who had also just retired, stepped up to really help out. They have done so much of the extra stuff for our mom, who just turned 89, and also my brother and his wife, all the things that I had been doing. I could not have handled all of it without the support from them. I also feel badly for my brother, who lives next door to my mom and sees her every day, because he has his own health issues and my sister-in-law has had more health problems that are ongoing. They are both now on disability and it's almost a full time job going to dialysis, doctors and therapy appointments,

I feel a great deal of empathy for your mom. She's younger than I am and is carrying a great deal of stress. I think she needs support and help more than anything, and for you to pull back from her because she's angry and depressed would just add to her feelings of isolation and stress. Instead of thinking about backing away and not dealing with her when she's not the mom you're used to, please consider some ways to lighten HER load. She's dealing with this in the best way possible for her right now - it might not be what you want to see, and she might benefit from talking to someone neutral, but to criticize her in any way is just going to make her feel like she's failing in another area.

Yes Yes Yes.
I'm the 58 year old mother as well - for the last 3 years my life has revolved around (1) my bitch MIL and the court system with conservatorship and way too many attorneys (2) my DH and his career ending knee blowout at the same time who thinks he gets to stay home until who knows when, and (3) a child (okay man-ish child, body aged 26) who "forgot" to transfer and register for his last year of college who is pretty much refusing to adult any time soon.

I have reached the point of not liking people very much at all. All of them seem to have this "well Mom will do it" only Mom is done. There's been way to many Walmart moments in my life lately.

I have my own Mom pressing me to move to be near her and take care of her - there's a part of me that wants to win the lottery and book it out somewhere where no one can find me.

I'd love for someone to do exactly as quoted above - but my sister wants to talk about herself, her religion, her odd opinions and her wedding (nothing more annoying than a 47 year old narcisstic wench planning the wedding to end all weddings in a new found religion - shoot me); my husband decided he was an electrician the other day (he's not) and it's taken 5 days to get my outside lighting back on and still wants me to give up my weekends to sort thru his mother's freaking house so "we" can sell it (ie so I can arrange cleaners, donation pickups, and realtor signings).

Be there - show up with her favorite treat, say I love you and that's all she probably needs. Really.

Yes! I had the same issues taking care of dh and juggling 3 kids and and and... my mom said, “take a deep breath, everything will get done. It always gets done.” I flipped my lid. “Do you know WHY everything always gets done? Because I do it all!” To her credit, she immediately asked, “how can I help?” And she took some urgent things off my plate.

For sake of what I’m about to share next, When I say mom I’m referring my my stepmom, who is the best thing that happened to my family. My mother is... my mother.


OP If it makes you feel better, we were at the boardwalk on Sunday. SIL comes out of the restroom, which was my destination. “your mother’s here! In the restroom.” I quickly grabbed my kids and walked in the other direction, laughing. “I’ll come back!”

I don’t know what possessed me to do that but dang, on a really good day after a few rough weeks, it felt good.

I’m not good at advice. But I can empathize with feeling like you’re the lone dysfunctional family surrounded by a sea of happy families. It’s hard. No family is perfect, but some sure do a good job looking that way from the outside.