I need some advice on what to say to a former friend. Update

*Update*: I just now sent her a brief message, said I'm so sorry she is depressed, but that I think her suggestion that we take a break was the right thing to do, and that I wish her good things and that I hope she could find real help for her depression. I didn't want to leave it too open for discussion, because I don't want to discuss, and if she replies, I'll probably have my husband read and delete it tonight.

I just want to say I had no intention of ghosting or ignoring her. That was my husband's first instinct when I read him her message, too, but I've had that done to me by friends (in pre-FB days) and it's extremely unpleasant. She deserves the courtesy of a reply, however short and final.

I suffer from anxiety and depression too, and have my whole life, that's partly why I feel such sympathy for her, but I am trying hard every day to find a new path and part of that effort was having her out of my life, and now keeping her out of my life. I will unfriend, and possibly block, her on FB and stop the sporadic contact.

I appreciate you all so much; everyone here always gives me good advice and new ways to look at a situation. @missjen Your message idea gave me a great way to start--thanks!!!



I've come here for advice about this particular friend at least once, maybe twice before, and always gotten excellent insight. So here I am again.

I've known this woman for almost 30 years, since college. She's not a healthy friend for me to have, but I stuck with it for years beyond what I should have because I genuinely care about her and because she has a lot of problems, is basically alone in the world, and needs friendship. Three years ago, I was going through some shit, she was going through some shit, and I could not be there for her. She has almost never been there for me, so there was certainly no way she'd be able to at that time. We'd sort of been avoiding each other, and thankfully, she was the one who proposed that we put the friendship on hold. I was so relieved. I don't think I could have ended it myself, I would have felt too guilty.

Three years have gone by, we've exchanged a couple of Christmas cards, she let me know when she bought a condo and her address changed, that's all the contact we've had. I'm not even sure if we're FB friends, I either unfollowed or unfriended her at some point, don't remember which. I have thought many times, even as recently as a week or so ago, how glad and relieved I am to not feel responsible for propping her up any more. I have all I can do to manage my own physical and mental health. I've done a lot for myself in the past three years, not the least of which is making much better and healthier friends.

Tonight she sent me a note on FB Messenger. She says she's been very depressed for four years. She's sad we don't do things together any more. She wants to know if I can come down (she lives about 45 minutes away) in a couple of weeks to see her new place and go to the home and garden show with her, which we'd done before a few times in the past.

There is no way that this is a good idea for me. I feel bad for her, I'm sorry she's depressed and sad and alone, but she has literally been in a  state of crisis since college graduation. And I've been there for all of it and I'm just done. She's had a pretty shitty life, but there's nothing I can do about it. I get wrapped up in her crises and it's bad for me.

I can hear this tiny voice in my head that still wants to say, "Just have lunch with her, look at her house, she needs someone to care about her..." because I have these strong beliefs about how I should treat people and what kind of friend I should be, but there's a much louder voice stating firmly that this is a bad idea and I will get sucked right back in and that is the last place I want to be. I care about her, but I can't be her friend. I'm upset and annoyed that this is going on tonight when I was having a relaxing day with my husband before a stressful week. I had told myself that she was living a good life, she had a new job, so I was hoping she'd made some new friends and built a support system--I don't want to know that it's the same old, same old with her.

What I need advice about is what to respond to her. I have no idea what will be kind but not cruel. I don't want to tip her over the edge, I have zero desire to hurt her...I simply don't want to have contact with her. How in the world do you say that to a vulnerable person? There needs to be a hard boundary between her and me, but I don't know a non-hurtful way to do that.