Post by paperamy on Apr 26, 2018 15:08:43 GMT
So I need advice before I completely lose my cool with my mother.
She has been planning a family cookout at her house for this Sunday. She set the date in stone over a month ago. My cousins are coming from out of town (2 hour drive) and we haven’t seen them in 9 years.
My husband found out Monday that he might have to work part of the day, and he is supposed to get back with his boss on what times he can and can’t work. So I text my mom and asked what time the cookout was. She said she didn’t know what time my cousins would be here. I asked her if she could find out, because my husband might have to work and needs to work out a schedule with his boss and coworkers.
She said she would. I haven’t heard from her so I called her last night. I didn’t even mention the cookout, just called her. She answered the phone already irritated because she had her hands full unloading groceries (I see no reason to be irritated at me, how hard is it to not answer the phone if you are busy? But whatever)
So she asked what I was doing, I said driving home from work. Then she starts telling me she doesn’t know what time the cookout is (I didn’t even ask). So I’m getting irritated because it shouldn’t be this hard to have a time for a cookout you’ve been planning for a month, even a vague time. But I just responded “Okay”.
So she asked if we were still coming. I said I was but my husband wouldn’t know because he might have to work. She said “well can’t he just come after he gets off work?” I said “well it depends on what time he has to work and what time you want us over, because he hasn’t been able to tell his boss what time he can’t work”
She went off on me, about how my cousins are the ones who are actually grilling the food and whatever time they get here is what time they’ll get here, and how she can’t please everyone.
So i cut her off and very calmly said “Hold on one minute, mom. All I did was make a statement about how He might have to work.”
She got quiet for a few seconds and said “we’ll I’ll call them and see if they know what time, but I haven’t even sat down yet so I’m not doing it right now.”
I understand that my cousins are from out of town and they are cooking. But my mother and aunt have been planning this for a month. Is it really too much to ask that we have some kind of vague time? I’m not asking for an exact time, but a noon cookout is a lot different than a 6pm cookout.
My husband is still waiting to hear back on if he has to work Sunday, and what time (it’s a last minute event at the college he works, so he and his coworkers will have to work in shifts, if the college decides they are needed).
I told him just work whatever time he wants and my mother will get over it if he isn’t there. He’s so frustrated with this because he likes set plans and gets anxiety over uncertainty, so he’s anxious about not knowing his work plans, and not knowing the cookout plans.
The thing is, if his parents were doing this to him and not giving him a time, he’d tell them to fuck off, and just not go. But he doesn’t want to do that to my mother, which I think is increasing his anxiety.
(My sister is also irritated by this lack of schedule for the cookout. She always has things going on with her group of friends, so she’s irritated that she can’t commit to plans with them because she doesn’t know the family plans).
Am I just asking for too much? Should we expected to block off our entire Sunday, so that “whenever” my cousins get to town, we can jump up and go over there? I understand they are from out of town but it’s only a 2 hour drive, so they should be able to give some kind of window of time. Or that might just be my mother’s excuse?
She has been planning a family cookout at her house for this Sunday. She set the date in stone over a month ago. My cousins are coming from out of town (2 hour drive) and we haven’t seen them in 9 years.
My husband found out Monday that he might have to work part of the day, and he is supposed to get back with his boss on what times he can and can’t work. So I text my mom and asked what time the cookout was. She said she didn’t know what time my cousins would be here. I asked her if she could find out, because my husband might have to work and needs to work out a schedule with his boss and coworkers.
She said she would. I haven’t heard from her so I called her last night. I didn’t even mention the cookout, just called her. She answered the phone already irritated because she had her hands full unloading groceries (I see no reason to be irritated at me, how hard is it to not answer the phone if you are busy? But whatever)
So she asked what I was doing, I said driving home from work. Then she starts telling me she doesn’t know what time the cookout is (I didn’t even ask). So I’m getting irritated because it shouldn’t be this hard to have a time for a cookout you’ve been planning for a month, even a vague time. But I just responded “Okay”.
So she asked if we were still coming. I said I was but my husband wouldn’t know because he might have to work. She said “well can’t he just come after he gets off work?” I said “well it depends on what time he has to work and what time you want us over, because he hasn’t been able to tell his boss what time he can’t work”
She went off on me, about how my cousins are the ones who are actually grilling the food and whatever time they get here is what time they’ll get here, and how she can’t please everyone.
So i cut her off and very calmly said “Hold on one minute, mom. All I did was make a statement about how He might have to work.”
She got quiet for a few seconds and said “we’ll I’ll call them and see if they know what time, but I haven’t even sat down yet so I’m not doing it right now.”
I understand that my cousins are from out of town and they are cooking. But my mother and aunt have been planning this for a month. Is it really too much to ask that we have some kind of vague time? I’m not asking for an exact time, but a noon cookout is a lot different than a 6pm cookout.
My husband is still waiting to hear back on if he has to work Sunday, and what time (it’s a last minute event at the college he works, so he and his coworkers will have to work in shifts, if the college decides they are needed).
I told him just work whatever time he wants and my mother will get over it if he isn’t there. He’s so frustrated with this because he likes set plans and gets anxiety over uncertainty, so he’s anxious about not knowing his work plans, and not knowing the cookout plans.
The thing is, if his parents were doing this to him and not giving him a time, he’d tell them to fuck off, and just not go. But he doesn’t want to do that to my mother, which I think is increasing his anxiety.
(My sister is also irritated by this lack of schedule for the cookout. She always has things going on with her group of friends, so she’s irritated that she can’t commit to plans with them because she doesn’t know the family plans).
Am I just asking for too much? Should we expected to block off our entire Sunday, so that “whenever” my cousins get to town, we can jump up and go over there? I understand they are from out of town but it’s only a 2 hour drive, so they should be able to give some kind of window of time. Or that might just be my mother’s excuse?
Anytime my DH's family comes into town and wants to see us, I know we will never have an accurate time until an hour before we meet. It is very frustrating because we end up turning down events that we could have gone to. In that vein, I never know what we are doing for holidays until the day before. My DH and I tried to plan things further out but the ILs always come in and change everything up last minute so we just sit tight and wait to hear our orders from them.
