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Post by heckofagal on Apr 26, 2018 16:50:02 GMT
I’m over a month past my 50th birthday. I asked a few girls to go on a girls trip to FL with me to celebrate. We couldn’t go on my birthday as N said her kids would be on spring break and she couldn’t afford to pay for a sitter all week and go on a trip, so we scheduled our trip later. T asked “what, if anything, are we doing on your birthday?” I mentioned day drinking and she said she was up for that, N said she would be camping with her kids. Meanwhile T stood me up for another outing we had planned previously, so I didn’t even contact her or anyone else for day drinking on my bday.
So we took our trip and had a very nice time. I thought they would still have some kind of birthday surprise party for me, since this was a BIG birthday for me, especially since none of them gave me a bday gift, or a card, or bought me dinner while we were in FL or bought me a souvenir. They did not. I understand the trip cost them a lot of money, but I feel it was also a vacation for them, not just something for me. I’ve been friends with these girls for 18 years. I’m closer to N&T, than I am with D. I’ve hosted surprise birthday parties for both N&T, I’ve hosted bridal showers for both of them, baby shower for one of them, helped throw bachelorette parties for both, go to bday parties and grad parties for their kids, help them pack and move, etc. N’s bday is next week so they are discussing going to the wineries to celebrate. My feelings are kind of hurt.
I also come from a large family and thought my siblings would throw me a party or coordinate something with my friends for a combined party. That did not happen either. Perhaps they thought my DH should be the one to throw a party. And he tried to discuss a party with me a couple different times, but I was adamant I did not want to be the one planning and throwing my own party. So it did not happen.
So am I justified to have my feelings hurt or do I need to pull up my girl panties and get over it?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 26, 2018 16:57:51 GMT
I think taking time out of their schedule to go to FL is a huge deal. I think having your feelings hurt because they didn't buy you a souvenir, etc, is kind of petty. Did your siblings acknowledge your birthday? If not, I can certainly understand being hurt by that. I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to throw you a party - if they acknowledge your birthday in other ways, I'd be fine with it.
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JustTricia
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Post by JustTricia on Apr 26, 2018 17:00:08 GMT
If my friends went on a trip with me for my birthday I would consider that my present. While I wouldn’t balk at having dinner bought for me while on the trip, I wouldn’t expect it. The time spent with them would be enough.
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MDscrapaholic
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Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Apr 26, 2018 17:01:09 GMT
Geez, I'd think they'd at least get you a card! Maybe you're the planner/doer of the group and all the rest of them are followers? In other words, if you don't do the work, it's not gonna happen! I'm sorry. I would be upset too, but I'd have to let it go. Happy belated 50th birthday!  |
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Post by lucyg on Apr 26, 2018 17:01:09 GMT
Happy birthday! I'm sorry but I do think you're being too sensitive. A trip to Florida had to be expensive, so I can see there not being any additional gifts.
And sometimes you just have to organize your own party if no one offers. If you want one.
I guess it would have been nice if they'd made more of a fuss and taken you out for dinner one night on the trip or given you a gift, but I don't think stewing about this stuff does you any good. It is what it is.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
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Post by used2scrap on Apr 26, 2018 17:01:23 GMT
I think people have very different thoughts about birthdays, and usually project what they want onto others. (Ie those who love parties are the ones throwing parties for those who’d rather not, and those who don’t care to make a big deal are the ones letting down the big celebrators). I think if you wanted a party or special night or celebration, you should have specified instead of “hoping” someone would throw you a surprise party though. Not communicating just sets everyone up and usually ends in disappointment.
If someone says “let’s do x for my birthday,” I tend to think that’s all they want. I certainly would have gotten you a card at the very least though.
I’m sorry you were let down. Is there something you can treat yourself to so your milestone birthday is notable for you?
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Post by heckofagal on Apr 26, 2018 17:02:47 GMT
OK, thanks for the input. I want to stress this is not a "i want presents" thing this is more of a "damn...I do a lot for other people" thing. And one of the other girls is a huge party planner.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 7:37:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2018 17:07:17 GMT
Let it go. Going on a trip isn't considered a vacation for them if it wasn't somewhere they would pick to go and doesn't include people they would choose to spend their time with. While it would have been nice for them to buy you dinner or even a drink, I imagine the cost of the trip wasn't cheap. Also, if you would have liked a party, your DH should have been the one to coordinate it and could have contacted your siblings to plan one.
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Apr 26, 2018 17:08:25 GMT
I agree - I would have considered the trip together my gift, as it does cost money to do those types of things. That said, my BFF and I are past the point of buying gifts for one another. If we see something totally appropriate or cute or whatever, we'll buy each other things for Birthday and Christmas, but there's no obligation or expectations. For reference, I'm 42 and she's 53.
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Post by padresfan619 on Apr 26, 2018 17:11:17 GMT
Isn’t the trip itself a birthday party? Let it go. I remember one year my parents went on a cruise for my moms birthday and months later she threw a tantrum that we didn’t celebrate her birthday. All of our reactions were the same, uh the trip was your celebration.
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Post by threegirls on Apr 26, 2018 17:11:34 GMT
I would not be hurt at all. I don't make a big deal out of birthdays. I guess it's because that's how I was raised. Mom never did parties or dinners or anything really. I just got a card and some money and all was good! So, yes it's time to pull out the big girl panties.
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Post by mustlovecats on Apr 26, 2018 17:23:25 GMT
I feel like a group of people who went on a birthday trip together celebrated the birthday.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Apr 26, 2018 17:25:17 GMT
Let it go. I would consider the time spent with friends my "gift". Especially if I picked the place and what we would be doing.
ETA: If you feel that they owe you back for the help and planning for their events, then you need to stop helping.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 7:38:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2018 17:25:40 GMT
I’m over a month past my 50th birthday. I asked a few girls to go on a girls trip to FL with me to celebrate. We couldn’t go on my birthday as N said her kids would be on spring break and she couldn’t afford to pay for a sitter all week and go on a trip, so we scheduled our trip later. T asked “what, if anything, are we doing on your birthday?” I mentioned day drinking and she said she was up for that, N said she would be camping with her kids. Meanwhile T stood me up for another outing we had planned previously, so I didn’t even contact her or anyone else for day drinking on my bday. So we took our trip and had a very nice time. I thought they would still have some kind of birthday surprise party for me, since this was a BIG birthday for me, especially since none of them gave me a bday gift, or a card, or bought me dinner while we were in FL or bought me a souvenir. They did not. I understand the trip cost them a lot of money, but I feel it was also a vacation for them, not just something for me. I’ve been friends with these girls for 18 years. I’m closer to N&T, than I am with D. I’ve hosted surprise birthday parties for both N&T, I’ve hosted bridal showers for both of them, baby shower for one of them, helped throw bachelorette parties for both, go to bday parties and grad parties for their kids, help them pack and move, etc. N’s bday is next week so they are discussing going to the wineries to celebrate. My feelings are kind of hurt. I also come from a large family and thought my siblings would throw me a party or coordinate something with my friends for a combined party. That did not happen either. Perhaps they thought my DH should be the one to throw a party. And he tried to discuss a party with me a couple different times, but I was adamant I did not want to be the one planning and throwing my own party. So it did not happen. So am I justified to have my feelings hurt or do I need to pull up my girl panties and get over it? Based on the bolded sentence I would have thought the trip was the celebration. I'd be confused that you want another party to celebrate. They went for you. It was not a vacation for them unless their families also went and they have lots of family time on the trip. |
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Post by summer on Apr 26, 2018 17:31:37 GMT
I think you are expecting way too much. Your friends celebrated with you. I’ve never done birthday trips with my friends. We usually just go out for drinks or dinner and let the birthday girl choose the place. I’d consider a friend to be extremely high maintenance if they expected me to throw surprise parties and go on vacations for their birthday. If you still feel as though your Birthday hasn’t been properly celebrated, plan something fun with your husband.
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MizIndependent
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Quit your bullpoop.
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Apr 26, 2018 17:36:03 GMT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! A vote for big girl panties.  |
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Apr 26, 2018 17:37:04 GMT
OK, thanks for the input. I want to stress this is not a "i want presents" thing this is more of a "damn...I do a lot for other people" thing. And one of the other girls is a huge party planner. If you’re doing a lot for other people and resenting not getting anything back in return, are you really doing them for the other people, or with expectations of something in return? It sounds like you need to reassess how much effort you’re putting in if there isn’t a fairly reciprocal relationship. (I’m not saying keep score, but you don’t have to be keeping score to notice when something is completely one sided). |
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peabrain
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Post by peabrain on Apr 26, 2018 17:44:29 GMT
How many days were you in FL?
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Post by papersilly on Apr 26, 2018 17:46:59 GMT
if you love parties being thrown for you, then i could see how you would feel hurt. you can't make people throw you a party and clearly, no one wanted to put in the effort so it didn't happen. me, i don't like parties on my behalf and those around me know it. i would be more mad if they did . for my 40th and 50th, i did a girl's trip and i can't think of a better way to celebrate with people other than family. obviously, you are more the party type so if you wanted one, you should have prodded people to do it or should have thrown it yourself.
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christinec68
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Post by christinec68 on Apr 26, 2018 17:48:32 GMT
Happy belated birthday!!
I think going on the trip was your birthday gift - no way would I expect a card or anything more than that from my friends.
As far as a surprise party at home, I think that's on your husband to plan. By all means, he can get help but if he's not putting it out there, I can see why it didn't happen.
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Post by dewryce on Apr 26, 2018 17:48:34 GMT
Did they contact you on your actual birthday? It seems like the day was totally passed over and that part would have hurt my feelings. Especially since one of your friends asked what the plan was and then never followed up. Even if we had a trip planned I would have wanted a phone call, just good wishes and to know I was being thought of.
As far as a party or gifts and buying dinner during the trip? Like the rest of the peas I think the trip was the celebration and I wouldn't have expected anything else.
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Rhondito
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MississipPea
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Post by Rhondito on Apr 26, 2018 17:48:37 GMT
I think the trip was enough.
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Post by myshelly on Apr 26, 2018 17:51:54 GMT
Yikes.
My thought when reading your post was that you sound like a little kid, not an adult.
You want a trip for your birthday? And a party? And presents and a card and a souvenir?
Jesus, I’ve never celebrated adult birthdays that way. I don’t buy adults birthday presents. I don’t buy adults cards. Adults I know don’t have birthday parties.
I might send you a happy birthday text and that’s about it.
I think your expectations are WAY out of line.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 26, 2018 17:56:03 GMT
Yikes. My thought when reading your post was that you sound like a little kid, not an adult. You want a trip for your birthday? And a party? And presents and a card and a souvenir? Jesus, I’ve never celebrated adult birthdays that way. I don’t buy adults birthday presents. I don’t buy adults cards. Adults I know don’t have birthday parties. I might send you a happy birthday text and that’s about it. I think your expectations are WAY out of line. 10x |
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Apr 26, 2018 18:02:59 GMT
No. Your friends left their own families/work/responsibilites & paid to travel to a destination of your choice for the sole purpose of celebrating you & your birthday. IMHO your expectation that friends spend more time, money, & effort celebrating your birthday than their own spouse's or child's seem unreasonable & overly entitled.
Since you are keeping score, are disappointed/hurt, & feel they didn't properly reciprocate your past generosities, please consider reducing your future budget for their events, planning your own celebrations/clearly communicating your expectations to friends & family, or start seaching for new friends with similar approaches to celebrations.
Happy (belated) birthday!
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Post by kristi on Apr 26, 2018 18:06:12 GMT
To coordinate a trip & take time away from work/their families & pay is not necessarily the vacation they would have chosen.
I think you are out of line (although I am sorry your feelings are hurt).
My group coordinates going somewhere yearly & it is a huge undertaking + money for some that can't afford it. In my opinion, the gift of being together is what it is about.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 26, 2018 18:17:09 GMT
It is reading posts like these when I am painfully aware that I lead a much different life than most peas. A trip with my girlfriends would be a huge undertaking for me. Taking time off my job, leaving my kids and DH behind, sacrificing family funds to spend quite a bit on just myself, I cannot even imagine being able to do something that huge in any way. I have been trying to justify DH and I together taking a trip out to visit my best friend from college in California over Thanksgiving and we would be sleeping on her couch! I can't even wrap my brain around doing this for a friend's birthday and then that friend expecting more out of me.
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MaryMary
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Post by MaryMary on Apr 26, 2018 18:19:14 GMT
The trip was the gift. I think your expectations are unrealistic.
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Just T
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Post by Just T on Apr 26, 2018 18:22:49 GMT
I actually just went on a trip with a friend to celebrate a milestone birthday. It was a lot of fun, but I spent a lot of money, too. Plane ticket, rental car, condo, food, etc, and it was only a long weekend. I sure hope she isn't upset with me for not getting her a gift and throwing her a party. Her family is throwing her a party in a few weeks, and I will probably take a gift to that. I would bet your friends thought the trip was in lieu of a party, so I would try not to have your feelings hurt. Easier said than done, I know.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Apr 26, 2018 18:26:16 GMT
It's all about expectations. But your expectations have to be reasonable - for the other people also.
And people aren't mind-readers. No one can be expected to know what you want if you don't let them know.
If you cut off your husband when he started to ask about a party, it's reasonable for him to assume you don't want one. If you wanted it, but didn't want to plan it, then you needed to say just that.
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