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Post by peasapie on Jun 18, 2018 11:26:09 GMT
I have an Apple phone with share my location set for my husband and kids. This seems like a good thing, but lately I feel like my husband is always tracking where I am ... not because I'm doing something nefarious, but maybe because his OCD makes him look more often than necessary. Coupled with the fact that we have a "Ring" doorbell and he can see whenever I leave the house, and a little camera in the house for the cat so he can check on him -- I feel like my every move is documented by his devices, and to be honest, it bothers me. I feel bad to admit this, and I'm not doing anything I am ashamed of. Plus he has all my passwords for my devices because he updates my stuff now and then and he pays all the bills. It's not that I'm incapable of doing this -- it's just his nature to sort of control everything. And often when I want to log into things I have to ask him for his password (which he gives me).
So yesterday, in a small and rebellious moment, I stopped sharing my location. He was shocked, and when he asked I offered no explanation. But it felt freeing. I mean, if someone wants to know where I am, couldn't they just ask? I check my texts almost immediately and am happy to tell him.
Dear Abby - Is this level of control normal in a relationship? Would you love it or hate it. Am I being an unreasonable and ungrateful b**ch?
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Post by christine58 on Jun 18, 2018 11:33:13 GMT
Dear Abby - Is this level of control normal in a relationship? Would you love it or hate it. Am I being an unreasonable and ungrateful b**ch? No...he has some serious control issues. Do you track him?? |
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,418 
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Post by YooHoot on Jun 18, 2018 11:38:11 GMT
I'd hate that. We have those Arlo cameras and while they are great, sometimes I feel weird having those things on me while I'm gardening or doing things outside. The location tracking could be an OCD/habit thing. I think turning it off might help break the habit. It could be something he does out of boredom? I guess I don't really have an answer for you. I think it's definitely something you guys need to talk about though.
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jun 18, 2018 11:43:40 GMT
That would bother me. Does he ever use this information against you? Like..
"Why were you at the corner of 4th and Maple Lane today for so long?"
Or..
"It's 3pm and I noticed you haven't left to get groceries yet for dinner. What's the hold-up?"
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Post by peasapie on Jun 18, 2018 11:44:07 GMT
Dear Abby - Is this level of control normal in a relationship? Would you love it or hate it. Am I being an unreasonable and ungrateful b**ch? No...he has some serious control issues. Do you track him?? He has it set on my phone as well, so I can look to see where he is. But I don't. The other day he mentioned my being at Bloomingdales earlier in the day, which is when I realized he must look at it throughout the day. SaveSave |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 18, 2018 11:44:14 GMT
It depends on what he does with the information. Does he say: "what were you doing at the grocery store for 45 minutes? It should only take 30?" or "I saw you on the Nest sitting and watching Judge Judy when you should've been doing laundry" - that's controlling. Just having the information isn't controlling.
That being said, I wouldn't want my husband knowing my every step as I take them - even though I have nothing to hide.
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jun 18, 2018 11:45:50 GMT
It depends on what he does with the information. Does he say: "what were you doing at the grocery store for 45 minutes? It should only take 30?" or "I saw you on the Nest sitting and watching Judge Judy when you should've been doing laundry" - that's controlling. Just having the information isn't controlling. That being said, I wouldn't want my husband knowing my every step as I take them - even though I have nothing to hide. Posted at the same time. This is my question as well. |
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Post by peasapie on Jun 18, 2018 11:46:35 GMT
That would bother me. Does he ever use this information against you? Like.. "Why were you at the corner of 4th and Maple Lane today for so long?" Or.. "It's 3pm and I noticed you haven't left to get groceries yet for dinner. What's the hold-up?" He doesn't say things like that, thankfully; he knows I would blow a fuse if he did. SaveSave |
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jun 18, 2018 11:47:21 GMT
The control only happens if he doesn't accept your decision and trys to re-establish the tracking then I would be having a long conversation with him. Some guys just love all the tech stuff and perhaps it's a case of stepping back and saying just because I can do all this stuff doesn't mean I should do all this stuff.
Just know that I have my location setting turned to off on all my devices. I can see advantages but I also see Big Brother and I try to strike a balance that I find acceptable.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 18, 2018 11:47:40 GMT
Only you know if he’s being controlling. Nothing you’ve shared seems controlling to me but I can see how it could be in the wrong situation. We track each other at my house. When we feel the need. Most of the time we’ll call to see where the other person is. But if we don’t answer and the other is curious enough, Find A Friend is great.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Jun 18, 2018 11:50:31 GMT
i have never had anything to hide either... and i am not sure why but that would bother me.
i didn't comment on the thread about that app to track your kids since i am not sure i would ever use it and it didn't sit right with me. and i am a pretty strict mom.
there is an episode of black mirror on netflix that addresses the issue. even though it is well-intended, it just makes the person feel tracked and resentful.
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Post by jenjie on Jun 18, 2018 12:00:08 GMT
Only you know if he’s being controlling. Nothing you’ve shared seems controlling to me but I can see how it could be in the wrong situation. We track each other at my house. When we feel the need. Most of the time we’ll call to see where the other person is. But if we don’t answer and the other is curious enough, Find A Friend is great. Dh did this from time to time. I laughed and called him a creeper. The “big” time he did it, I was out running errands on my bday. He asked me to go home. It was bc he was having flowers delivered. |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Jun 18, 2018 12:08:10 GMT
We communicate our out of the house status by text but have no tracking. I'll say I'm leaving Wal-Mart and DH may not see that as he's not as phone obsessed as I am. He will say when he's leaving where he's been and I know instantly as my phone is always with me.
It's easy for me to say I'd be ok if tracking were added. I think I'd say "Did you see how long I was at Lowes, that place is so huge" but if DH questioned me about my stops it could become irritating.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Jun 18, 2018 12:10:00 GMT
Only you know if he’s being controlling. Nothing you’ve shared seems controlling to me but I can see how it could be in the wrong situation. We track each other at my house. When we feel the need. Most of the time we’ll call to see where the other person is. But if we don’t answer and the other is curious enough, Find A Friend is great. Dh did this from time to time. I laughed and called him a creeper. The “big” time he did it, I was out running errands on my bday. He asked me to go home. It was bc he was having flowers delivered. Yep. Dh has surprised me a few times using the app. I don’t know how many times I’ve been tracked but from what I can tell my kids track me more than my husband does. And they’re adults! |
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 18, 2018 12:10:26 GMT
I don't think it's a matter of him being controlling, as he doesn't try to change what you are doing or stop it. It seems to me it's his OCD. I think you did the right thing by turning it off, since it bothers you. We laugh that DH is a stalker, because he watches a hockey stat site when our grandson is in hockey tournaments. He can see how he did, game by game  . |
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Post by AN on Jun 18, 2018 12:22:39 GMT
That would be too much for me too. DH and I do location share, but only for limited periods of time. He sends me one when he leaves work so I know when to have dinner ready (if I can), I'll send him one if I've been out doing errands or something and am headed home and need his help when I get home. But on all the time would be too much.
I also had a moment of "wtf, every time I go outside the doorbell will alert DH?" When we got our video doorbell. DH ended up turning off all notifications except when someone rings it becauae it annoyed him to get person spotted notifications.
Are you home during the day? (Sounded like it from how you said he sees you coming and going.) Why does he need an indoor camera to check on the cat?
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 18, 2018 12:29:06 GMT
I think when you have the ability to track, some people just do it because they can. My dd is nosy so I could see her doing it and to be honest, i'd probably be doing it too just out of curiousity!
With that said, i'd hate someone tracking me and i'm never up to anything! Honestly dh doesn't have my password. I knew his, but his new phone has more digits to the password. I can probably guess them, but I don't have a reason to want to look on his phone so I don't.
I grew up when there were landlines and payphones. If I went out, my parents had to trust I was fine until I showed back up again. I've tried to be conscious of that with my kids because I have tended to want to know there every move when they were younger teens. Now if i'm concerned (like when my just turned 18 yo was staying in the city overnight with friends) I asked her to keep her location on while there. But normally if i'm looking for someone a text works!
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Post by myboysnme on Jun 18, 2018 12:46:11 GMT
I have no interest in tracking or being tracked. Just because we have the means to do it doesn't mean we should. And going out on a limb here, when kids grow up being tracked they accept it as normal, and when they are adults they may be more accepting, societally, of methods to track us and not realize how horrendous it really is when that freedom to go is threatened.
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Post by sawwhet on Jun 18, 2018 12:49:06 GMT
I'm dead against anyone tracking me. I'd have that feature disabled. I don't do anything "bad" but it's no one's business if I want to relax by the lake for 15 minutes while I eat my lunch or go shopping, I don't want anyone questioning me. Honestly, my dh doesn't care, he's more worried about timing...what time will you be home?
Then again, I also have my own bank account (aside from our joint chequing/savings), my own Mastercard, my own car etc. I like to have my own freedom and dh is fine with that. We've been married for 25 years with no problems.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jun 18, 2018 12:54:21 GMT
That would really bother me if I were in your position. Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk and tell him how it makes you feel like big brother is watching. Is he bored? Nosey?
I totally get what you mean that you are not doing anything wrong but you don't want someone watching every move you make. I would feel really uncomfortable with this.
I used to be on fb. I would post things and dh wouldn't comment online but he would come home and be like "oh I saw you said this or that". That in itself bothered me. I ended up permanently deleting fb for that and many many other reasons.
It's like phones, apps, social media etc has turned into tracking devices. I don't like it at all.
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Post by gigi333 on Jun 18, 2018 13:04:31 GMT
It’s just a whole new world, I do all my parents shopping for them and at Christmas my dad waited in the car park while I went in and bought his gifts for people, when I got back to the car he knew every shop I’d been to and how much I had spent as he tracked me through his bank account, new one for us as he used to always use cash, I do find it irritating as at times he will ask me why something was so expensive with his groceries and I can’t remember and then later I remember he wanted a pile of stuff for his greyhounds. I’ve been doing this for him for 20 years -with cash, and now I do find it annoying that he has started questioning me, there is always an explanation and he trusts me and is mostly just being curious or enjoying annoying me, but I do find it stifling
I adore my phone and I’m never without it but I also find it annoying that I’m always available. And my dad in particular gets really freaked out if any length of times goes between him calling and getting a reply. I’m 40 years old, but I live in the House next door to my parents which is wonderful and completely annoying
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Jun 18, 2018 13:09:06 GMT
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he has control issues. Just that all of the modern conveniences of these things are addicting. Like Facebook, Instagram, or 2peas....people want to check ALL THE TIME. I don’t have Alexa, Ring, any nanny cams, or any of those things. It’s too much tech for me...
I think you should just sit down and talk to him about it.
I have Life 360 on my phone for my daughter (not my son since he graduated high school). I honestly do check it when she’s on a week either her dad...but it’s me just wondering what she’s doing, but not in a controlling way...more like a “what did you do today?” She does the same for me, because she’ll ask me what I got at the store, or what I was doing in that town.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jun 18, 2018 13:17:09 GMT
I have no interest in tracking or being tracked. Just because we have the means to do it doesn't mean we should. And going out on a limb here, when kids grow up being tracked they accept it as normal, and when they are adults they may be more accepting, societally, of methods to track us and not realize how horrendous it really is when that freedom to go is threatened. I had a mobile phone as a teen and that was the tracking device in itself!  If my phone rang and my mother was wondering where I was, that meant I was staying out too late and she was worried. That was enough tracking in itself...
I agree that it's time to stop tracking if there's no valid reason for it. If my SO was keeping track of where I was through a phone app, I'd explode. Major no-no. I am super careful with my phone apps in general and the authorisations they ask when being installed. I use private mode when browsing most of the time. myboysnme is right: it's a good thing to not get used to tracking and protect one's right to be and move freely. |
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 23:02:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2018 13:28:41 GMT
Personally, I'd hate it, no one needs to know where I am all the time. It's intrusive and weird.
I'm not sure why or what you think it makes you ungrateful for?
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Deleted
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Jun 13, 2024 23:02:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2018 13:35:43 GMT
My DH likes to know what I am doing and where I am going all the time. LOL . Drives me nuts when he asks me that when I am trying to work and he wants to know what I am working on. I chalk it up to boredom on his part sometimes (he has NO hobbies) and put a note on my office door to not knock unless it is an emergency.  |
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Post by auntkelly on Jun 18, 2018 13:36:49 GMT
I would absolutely hate to be tracked and I have no desire to track my husband or my kids.
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Post by Jockscrap on Jun 18, 2018 13:45:54 GMT
I’m the one with all the access and passwords for everything in our house, as I’m the one that can be bothered doing all the techy stuff. After reading about Find My Friends on here a few years ago, and how it was great for knowing when folk were on the way home for tea, I got all excited and thought I’d get DH and me set up for that, then did a complete rethink and decided not to as I could come up with all the reasons I would hate him to track me. I think with your DH, he’s checking because he can. It doesn’t sound controlling, just annoying. I think you’ve done the right thing. Presumably you can turn this on and off, so that if it could be useful, you could track each other again?
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Post by mustlovecats on Jun 18, 2018 13:49:14 GMT
My husband and I both have location on so the other can find us if we aren’t responding. But we don’t really check up on each other. It’s just there in case one of us needs to know where the other is and the other isn’t answering. It’s a nice safety backup for us both but I would be uncomfortable with someone keeping tabs on my whereabouts.
We have a Simplisafe that does log when the door is opened. I have a child on the spectrum who sometimes wanders and I appreciate the notification if she opens the door when I’m in the toilet or in bed or something.
Technology benefits us in so many ways such as with my kiddo but it can also smother us with connectivity too. The OP feels like a less judicious use of technology whereas in our world we have settled into a use that makes sense for us.
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Post by threegirls on Jun 18, 2018 14:05:17 GMT
Does he watch lots of crime tv shows like Forensic Files? Maybe he secretly freaks out about the possibility of you being kidnapped and is being protective? I watched an episode of Forensic Files about a teenage girl who was kidnapped and killed. The next day my daughter walked to a friend's house. It's a pretty long walk. I don't usually use the Find My Friends to track her but I was thinking of that tv show and then I freaked out so I obsessively used Find My Friends to track her walk to and from her friend's house. I went a little overboard! I have to not watch crime shows that involve teen girls.
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rodeomom
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Post by rodeomom on Jun 18, 2018 14:11:49 GMT
 Wow this is a new one on me. What is this app? My DH and I have no idea where we are during the day. Really this would bother me. If I want him to know where I went I'll tell him.
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If my phone rang and my mother was wondering where I was, that meant I was staying out too late and she was worried. That was enough tracking in itself... 
Wow this is a new one on me. What is this app? My DH and I have no idea where we are during the day. Really this would bother me. If I want him to know where I went I'll tell him.