sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 13:52:30 GMT
I'm trying to train it out of myself, but at 51, I have years of habit steamrolling my initial reaction to conflict.
I'm dealing with issues with my business partner, and I really need to stay on track to move in a positive direction.
How have you overcome negative habits like this? The passive aggressiveness really flares up when I'm pissed, which lately, has been more frequently.
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Post by shevy on Jun 30, 2014 13:56:20 GMT
You know that saying that NO is a complete sentence? That is my biggest issue. I have this need to explain myself to soften the blow. Need to stop it.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 14:04:36 GMT
I can say no. Truly.
I'm talking about, when someone pisses me off, telling them, "this annoys me because.... " in a direct manner. I can't just do the silent treatment or be sarcastic. I need to move the situation forward and resolve it quickly.
Instead, I stew and don't address it. That's not passive aggressive, so perhaps I AM evolving. But I'm not dealing with conflict professionally, either.
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Post by Zee on Jun 30, 2014 14:13:05 GMT
No, that's not a problem I've ever had. I wish they gave out cash awards for it though, because my MIL would be set for life. I've rarely meet anyone as skilled as she in the fine art of PA...until I met my sister's MIL. She's Rocky to my MIL 's Apollo Creed.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jun 30, 2014 14:16:00 GMT
Plan and rehearse how you will react to situations. Be prepared.
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Post by rumplesnat on Jun 30, 2014 14:35:28 GMT
I've learned to embrace it.  |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 14:39:22 GMT
I've learned to embrace it. That's not a luxury I can afford.  But I would love to! |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 14:41:43 GMT
Plan and rehearse how you will react to situations. Be prepared. Thanks! I need a 'go-to' rebuttal phrase, like "let's work on this, I think we could do better..." or something that doesn't get his dander up (a woman challenging him...) but lets him know I'm not down with what is occurring. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Jun 30, 2014 14:47:14 GMT
Yes, exactly. I would suggest saying something like " We need to work on this; we CAN do better." Don't use tentative words like 'think.' And then rehearse beyond that. How would he reply? What would your response be?
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 14:56:44 GMT
I use tentative words, Sue, to diffuse the "I'm a man, don't tell me what to do" shut down. I'm stuck with this business partner, and it frustrates the hell out of me not be be direct and hide behind simpering language in order to make things happen.
But I want results!
Good grief, even as I read this, it pisses me off. I should have a sit-down with him. This issue has been building for years.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834 
Location: NW PA
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Post by Judy26 on Jun 30, 2014 15:04:10 GMT
I have a deeply rooted PA tendency to solving life's problems. It sucks because it is so ingrained I sometimes don't realize I am doing it. I hope someone gives you great advice that I can hijack and use in my own situations. Is your business partner an equal partner?
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 15:06:51 GMT
I have a deeply rooted PA tendency to solving life's problems. It sucks because it is so ingrained I sometimes don't realize I am doing it. I hope someone gives you great advice that I can hijack and use in my own situations. Is your business partner an equal partner? Yes, and to add to the fun, he's my cousin. **insert hysterical laughter** |
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Post by krazykatlady on Jun 30, 2014 15:11:02 GMT
Yes, and some days I succeed better than others. So, I'm probably not the one to try and give advice here.  |
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834
Location: NW PA
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Post by Judy26 on Jun 30, 2014 15:18:31 GMT
Can you add some levity to the situation? Carry a pair of tennis balls in with you and say you strapped on a pair because you need to have a man to man talk? Then lay it all out on the table and go from there.
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Post by leannec on Jun 30, 2014 15:20:58 GMT
I've learned to embrace it. I'm the Queen of PA ... it just goes with my personality ... dh has learned that he can't demand things of me because I will do the complete opposite just to spite him ... we've managed to find a happy medium  Leanne |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 15:34:43 GMT
Can you add some levity to the situation? Carry a pair of tennis balls in with you and say you strapped on a pair because you need to have a man to man talk? Then lay it all out on the table and go from there. That's funny, Judy! |
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jun 30, 2014 15:43:22 GMT
All the time!!! And boy it's hard!
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sassy
Shy Member
Posts: 37
Jun 28, 2014 19:22:31 GMT
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Post by sassy on Jun 30, 2014 15:44:23 GMT
I'm working on it too because I'm starting to see it in my kids and I hate it. I feel so weak when I resort to handling stuff this way. I am improving because teenagers just don't pick up on my subtle clues, they need clear communication.
Sometimes I just channel my "inner man" to say what I need to say in a concise, no-nonsense way.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 17:17:03 GMT
I'm working on it too because I'm starting to see it in my kids and I hate it. I feel so weak when I resort to handling stuff this way. I am improving because teenagers just don't pick up on my subtle clues, they need clear communication. Sometimes I just channel my "inner man" to say what I need to say in a concise, no-nonsense way. I'm much better with my teens, saying, "Put your dishes away" rather than what I'm THINKING which is "WHY THE FU8K won't you put your dishes away?!?" |
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Post by ~summer~ on Jun 30, 2014 17:34:01 GMT
Yes, I completely have to fight it. It goes way back.... for or me it doesn't flare up when I'm pissed, it flares up when I'm around people whom I think are ridiculous  |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 17:41:59 GMT
Yes, I completely have to fight it. It goes way back.... for or me it doesn't flare up when I'm pissed, it flares up when I'm around people whom I think are ridiculous Ridiculous people PISS ME OFF!  |
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,936
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jun 30, 2014 17:51:46 GMT
I'm sorry. That's got to be really hard for someone like you. I'm sure with some counseling and perhaps if you ate vegan like me, those tendencies would go away. Of course, I would not be the person to ask since I was blessed and cursed with a forthright and higher thinking mind than average intelligence people. It's hard being an exceptional genius. Don't wish that on yourself. Be happy with your average passive aggressive mind. It is soooooooo much easier. Trust me.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ;-p
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 17:57:42 GMT
I'm sorry. That's got to be really hard for someone like you. I'm sure with some counseling and perhaps if you ate vegan like me, those tendencies would go away. Of course, I would not be the person to ask since I was blessed and cursed with a forthright and higher thinking mind than average intelligence people. It's hard being an exceptional genius. Don't wish that on yourself. Be happy with your average passive aggressive mind. It is soooooooo much easier. Trust me. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ;-p We need an "AWESOME" button! |
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Post by ~summer~ on Jun 30, 2014 18:08:23 GMT
Yes but these ridiculous people don't impact me at all...and their ridiculousness is really none of my business....but I have to fight the urge to passively aggressively point out their ridiculousness. So now often when I'm around them I'm as quiet as a mouse because I really can't say anything g at all.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Jun 30, 2014 18:08:59 GMT
I have no patience for the "Old Boy's Club" attitude. You're his equal--literally since you're also his business partner. I really think you should sit down with him and get it out in the open.
I definitely wouldn't tolerate that from a relative. I know it's harder to actually confront someone than just talk about it. The stress isn't good for you at all. Plus the two of you should be able to work together without impedances to grow your business.
I think some guys were never confronted on their chauvinistic attitudes and don't recognize it as such.
You definitely deserve to have your ideas given equal consideration. You're a very intelligent woman. I hate all that "don't push him, make him think it's HIS idea crap". That's when *I* start getting really passive aggressive.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jun 30, 2014 18:12:38 GMT
Wait, back up the train. Your business partner doesn't like a woman challenging him? Sexism aside, tell him that some of the best ideas come out of disagreements among friends.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jun 30, 2014 18:33:05 GMT
Wait, back up the train. Your business partner doesn't like a woman challenging him? Sexism aside, tell him that some of the best ideas come out of disagreements among friends. You know what--- to be fair-- I'm ASSUMING that's why he is resistant. He's also a big dollop of LAZY. It could be as simple as that. I think it's both. I sound terribly mean. But numerous witnesses concur with my assessment. |
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Southern Side eyed Pea