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Post by shamrock on Aug 9, 2018 22:05:44 GMT
My inlaws are visiting. We see them about twice a year, their choice. We met them for dinner last night. MIL hugged our boys and they didn’t shrug her off but didn’t really squeeze her back either. They did the one arm side hug thing. They said hi and greeted her nicely I thought. Grandparents brought the friend they are staying with to dinner and talked with him instead of us. (They chose not to stay with us bc MIL is playing golf with friend.) The boys answered questions that were asked, shared what they liked about our recent trip and were very pleasant at dinner. They asked their grandmother about her dog and said the pictures were cute. Of a 2 hour dinner grandparents spent less than 15 min in conversation with us.
Today DH got a text from his dad that said “it’d be great if our grandsons at least gave their grandmother a hug when they see her. I know how boys can be but she’s really upset that they didn’t acknowledge her.”
So so tell me Peas- Do your teens, especially boys, hug relatives they see a couple times a year? Are we out of line taking offense at this text?
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 9, 2018 22:12:07 GMT
Yes...my ds and dd both hug relatives, even those we don’t see often.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 9, 2018 22:14:16 GMT
I don't force physical affection.
If they want to give her a more thorough hug, they will.
Hugs are not mandatory.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 9, 2018 22:15:16 GMT
eh-- not a parent, but I'll give my two cents: as a person who needs a VERY large personal space bubble, this kind of expectation bothers me.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,785
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 9, 2018 22:15:17 GMT
By your account they did acknowledge her just not the Hollywood version. They expect too much and I would never ask my child to hug or kiss a relative that she didn't want to. Their bodies, they get to choose and that choice starts as early as they make it clear they don't want to hug.
They have to be polite, they don't have to gush over people.
Some people are huggers, others handshakers. My child gets to decide for herself.
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Post by vpohlman on Aug 9, 2018 22:16:47 GMT
My son gives ME the half hug, yes, I love you, but I don't like to be touched hug! He is who he is and I just accept him! I love him!
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968 
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Post by AnotherPea on Aug 9, 2018 22:18:37 GMT
Yes, teen boys hug their grandparents in my family. It’s such a small thing for a kid but means so much to Grandma. Whatever slights you felt, I think you should at least mention it to the boys.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 9, 2018 22:23:30 GMT
My kids hug their grandparents but not big bear hugs. But I could never, in a million years, see my dad or step mom text me about how they were greeted. That, to me, is the really weird part.
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Post by shamrock on Aug 9, 2018 22:25:10 GMT
The boys did a one arm hug as she was bear hugging them.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Aug 9, 2018 22:29:20 GMT
My DS has been a big hugger all his life but I know many people who aren't. Your MIL sounds like a real peach.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 9, 2018 22:37:52 GMT
Enthusiastically? No. Heck I rarely get a hug (I’m not a big hugger either) nevermind grandparents. He’ll do it, even maybe initiate it but it’s not what I’d call enthusiastic.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 9, 2018 22:38:33 GMT
Yes, teen boys hug their grandparents in my family. It’s such a small thing for a kid but means so much to Grandma. Whatever slights you felt, I think you should at least mention it to the boys. OP says the boys did hug their grandmother, and clearly it doesn't matter all that much to her, as she paid little attention to them during dinner. Aside from the fact that I don't believe in telling kids they have to hug people if they feel weird about it. -- I wouldn't say one word to the boys about it. DH should text them back that the boys did indeed hug grandma and is she feeling okay these days? Because that's what I would say to my mom if she said something so ridiculous to me. People who pay so little attention to their grandchildren are in no position to demand more PDAs than come their way naturally. |
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Post by KikiPea on Aug 9, 2018 22:39:31 GMT
I don't have children, and we are a VERY huggy family, but I would never force my children to do something like that, if it made them uncomfortable. Hugs should never be forced.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,426
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Post by tanya2 on Aug 9, 2018 22:41:07 GMT
I wouldn't even bother to respond to that text. Or at least not address that part of it
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 9, 2018 22:47:54 GMT
Well, my kids are very close with their grandparents, so lots of hugs and kisses. (They are 17 and 14).
The side hug is a teen thing. Hell, I'd rather side hug those outside my nuclear family.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 21:12:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 22:48:47 GMT
My mom forced my boys to hug her. When they were younger, they went along with it. Now as teenagers, when family members move in for hugs, they get awkward about it. They will return a hug but it's not ethuastic and never initiated.
I don't know where my mom got this from. My parents showed very little affection towards me and my sister. I hated hugging family members and still do. I'll duck as many as I can. I'll hug DH all day long, but every one else? No thank you.
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Post by Pahina722 on Aug 9, 2018 22:58:39 GMT
We didn’t hug very much when I was growing up until I fell in with buddies in high school who were huge huggers and converted the whole family. That became my new norm. As a result, DH and I hug constantly and raised DS the same way. He has no problem hugging EVERYONE, making sure to give my tiny little mother a huge bear hug every time he sees her. While he’s 20 now, he apparently missed the cool side hug phase of teenagehood.
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Post by busy on Aug 9, 2018 23:06:21 GMT
My son is younger - 10 - and yes, he hugs his grandparents. But if he gets to a point where he no longer wishes to, that's his choice. I don't believe in requiring any kind of physical affection from kids.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on Aug 9, 2018 23:07:35 GMT
My son is a hugger -- but I agree with most of the above -- it is the individual who gets to decide. I will add that grandparents are the ones who create their relationship with their grandchildren. If she hasn't fostered closeness, then the grandchildren won't be close - they'll be polite and respectful (because their Mother taught them that) but close ... is different.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 9, 2018 23:18:06 GMT
I was never a fan of hugging and kissing family as a kid and apparently passed that on to my son. My husband is no different. We’re not hand holders either. I would be clear with my DH that we don’t force our children to touch others nor to be touched if they are uncomfortable. Whether he chooses to pass that along is up to him. I might even be petty enough to mention my amazement at her offense considering her lack of participation with everyone at dinner. What a self involved asshole.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 9, 2018 23:34:56 GMT
I am not a hugger. Never gave been. As an adult I handle the expectation of hugs better than I did as a teenager. Your boys didn't do anything wrong in my book.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,386
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 9, 2018 23:53:21 GMT
(((hugs))) IMHO either ignore the message/not engage in the petty discussion or reply, "Likewise, your grandsons are hurt neither you nor their grandmother spent more than 15 minutes during our 2 hour dinner with them, obviously preferring the company of (their host's name)." (((hugs)))
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Aug 9, 2018 23:54:01 GMT
It's a complicated question. Some of them are more willing to hug than others, and some of the grandparents are more affectionately greeted than others. My kids did not grow up near any of their grandparents, so it isn't a familiarity thing, it's a which person makes them feel more comfortable.
I am not a hugger. I do not want to hug at hellos and goodbyes. it has taken 25 years of marriage for my in-laws to understand that, and I still often have to sidestep a lot. I would never force anyone to show more affection than they feel comfortable with.
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Post by walkerdill on Aug 10, 2018 0:12:23 GMT
My entire family & extended family are not huggers. Basically no affection is shown. My kids are 14 & 17 & would rather die than hug me....lol.
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Post by jackietex on Aug 10, 2018 0:12:49 GMT
My kids hug their grandmother, but I wouldn't say it's done enthusiastically. They give as they get.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 10, 2018 0:21:49 GMT
My children are not required to hug anyone. We do require them to say goodbye in sin fashion at family gatherings. It’s more polite than just disappearing.
Long ago I realized I was using incorrect verbiage when we left a family gathering. I made a conscious effort to change my words. At first I would say go give hugs before we leave. But if they didn’t want to it was weird for me to say that. And hugs are not the point, the point is being polite and saying goodbye. So we made a conscious effort to use appropriate terms.
My kids have both gone thru periods where the gave hugs freely and periods where they did not give hugs. It is what it is.
At this point, some people they hug, some people they don’t. Whenthey want to hugs are given freely. Otherwise they just don’t.
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Post by LilyRose on Aug 10, 2018 0:56:54 GMT
Today DH got a text from his dad that said “it’d be great if our grandsons at least gave their grandmother a hug when they see her. I know how boys can be but she’s really upset that they didn’t acknowledge her.” While I wouldn’t be able to actually say this, I would have been sorely tempted to text back, “ Well, it would might have been equally great if grandmother had paid more attention to her family than her friend at dinner, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 10, 2018 1:09:02 GMT
You're not out of line and they acknowledged her and were polite. Many years ago my grandmother laughed when my ds who was probably 3 or 4 gave her his cheek to kiss when he was leaving. She good naturedly commented that her great grandson was just giving her a cheek. I laughed and told her everyone got the cheek including me, his mother. He's now 21 and he still gives the cheek, lol. He just left the house about 15 minutes ago...whenever he leaves, he always comes in to say goodbye and gives me that cheek  Your MIL is being overly sensitive or something. I'm another believer in respecting kids comfort level with affection. Your kids were polite and engaged, it's her not them(kids) |
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River
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Posts: 3,516
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Aug 10, 2018 1:14:28 GMT
I came from a family that rarely showed physical affection (or verbal for that matter). My DH came from a family of big affection, full on tight hugs, you didn't leave without them telling you how much they loved you and would hug a million times before you could get out the door.
It took me a long time to get used to their way of affection and even hated it at first. Now I'm the hugging momma! Lol
My 3 boys grew up with their over affectionate grandma and they reciprocated. She's gone now, but they still treat me like they did her. Hugs and love you's when arriving or leaving.
My side of the family is still non affectionate, so no hugs or anything.
With extended family, they do the side hug thing.
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Post by pattyraindrops on Aug 10, 2018 1:22:51 GMT
My daughter gives hugs to everyone. Always has.
My sons have gone through phases, sometimes hugging and sometimes not. They get to choose. Usually when younger they only give me half hugs. As they came to 17 or 18 they started giving better hugs more often.
I wouldn't say a single thing to my sons about hugging grandparents in your case.
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Your MIL is being overly sensitive or something. I'm another believer in respecting kids comfort level with affection. Your kids were polite and engaged, it's her not them(kids)
