Trans daughter is talking about the surgery, and I'm so

(((hugs)) I can totally understand that. The surgery has a finality to it.

I'm sorry. I know as a parent, we're supposed to switch gears and roll with the punches and be unconditionally supportive. It's the goal, it's what we want. But as much as 'it's not about you' - there is a component that is only on you, and there's no way around it.

You had a baby and there were a thousand little ways you assumed your life would go, even if you didn't realize it. Then one day they sit you down and tell you something is different - they're gay, they're bi, they're trans - whatever. Your brain and your emotions can't just be restarted in a new mode. You have to wrap your brain around a new normal and a future that is different than you ever expected. And that happens even if you are totally supportive. It's just a fact. Your life was one thing, and now it's another. Neither one is bad- just different. You can't shrug off one like a sweater, to put on another. You are not undeserving of time to process the changes, to grieve the expected and embrace the new. You are not a robot, you're a mom.

Maybe I'm not articulating this very well. I've gone through a version of this myself though, and I know people that have as well. No one was the same - we all came at it from a different point. We were determined to be supportive and helpful no matter what. But we all had to realize that you can't dismiss your own feelings. You have to work through them, acknowledge them and move on. The good news is- you are starting off in a positive place, moving toward an even better place. I think it will be extra challenging for you because of the surgery. I completely understand (well, almost) where you're coming from though- you have memories of an entire life that can't (and shouldn't) be changed. You have to find a way to reconcile the past with the future, and realize it's OK to be happy about the old memories and the new. It's going to be a process.

Hugs. I think the emotions you are going through are completely normal. For your daughter, the surgery will represent a new birth, for you a death of what you remembered... but the beauty is that she is STILL the same person inside. Have you considered joining a support group for families/parents of transgender children?

It has to be tough. I can't imagine what you are going through. It's optional surgery, not a life saving measure. But to her it maybe is a measure of saving or creating the life she knows is her real self. I hope it goes smoothly.

That would be a hard topic to discuss and I admire your honesty. Hugs.

I think a support group for you would be SO helpful. Really, you are not alone in your feelings, and a support group will help you work through them so that you can support your daughter through this change.

As a teacher, I have worked with students who are transitioning. It is extremely important for them to feel supported by their families, and devastating when they are not. Please love her as hard as you can through this process. She needs you more than ever!

Has she followed I am Jazz at all. She just had her bottom surgery and some of the episodes I found very informative.

But just imagine how she will feel when it's done. She will be who she has always wanted to be. Perhaps she will feel whole and even happier. Isn't that all that matters?

I could only imagine it would almost feel like losing a child in a way.

Do you think it would be good for her, to know your honest feelings also. I can tell you are very supportive, but hiding your grief might not be the best thing either. That has to be a part of the transition also. You are going through a transition somewhat too. I think it might be insightful for her to know this part of your feelings, along with how much you support her.

But I really have almost no first hand knowledge of dealing with this. I have a friend (not super close) that has a trans son. This is a small rural area, and he no longer lives here, but visits often. I am sure the tongues wag, as they do for everything in a small town, but it really opened my eyes to what trans people deal with. I am so thankful for those who have accepting family and friends, like this young man does. He is just such a happy person now.

I think those are totally reasonable mom feelings. You are entitled to be a bit sad, but you are doing all the right things in being supportive to your daughter through this process. I believe down deep she would even understand those feelings, but be so grateful that she still has your support.
You are being a great mom.

(((hugs))) Finding the new normal isn't easy, but I bet with how great you both are being, it will be better than you could imagine. Your daughter will be able to share herself with you in a way she probably couldn't have before.

Any chance the hospital would have information on support groups for family members?

(Hugs) 

My dh's young cousin is going through this. His Aunt was told early on that she will be going through the steps of grieving, not for her son becoming a daughter, but because she is losing a son. The dreams and hopes that you have for your child are the same, yet different. 

DH's Aunt and Uncle are divided in this and she has found a wonderful support group that helps her in so many ways. I hope you find one also. Until then, I pray for you and hope that you find peace and comfort.  And a great friend who can offer a shoulder to you.

Jennifer