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Post by teach4u on Sept 22, 2018 19:12:08 GMT
A relative's young child passed away several years ago. My spouse and I donate money/make memorials in the child's name.
I would like to acknowledge the child during conversation- when it is appropriate to do so (birthday of child) etc.
However, the parents never bring the child up. I mean in years, I have never (and see them several times a month) mention the child at all. They do not have any pictures of them, etc.
Knowing, this, would you assume making donations, mentioning missing the child etc is not appreciated?
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846 
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Post by georgiapea on Sept 22, 2018 19:16:45 GMT
I would leave it be. Those parents have chosen to deal with their loss in their own way. To bring it up would cause them pain which you don't want to do.
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Post by teach4u on Sept 22, 2018 19:18:29 GMT
I don't want to cause pain. I do want to remember child and we donate to place they were treated. But I will stop if that's for the best. Or donate anon.
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Post by destined2bmom on Sept 22, 2018 20:16:43 GMT
I think that you should go ahead and keep donating the way you are. I think georgiapea is right everyone deals with grief differently. I know a family who talks about their daughter all the time and posts pictures from her growing up as well as sharing stories. They encourage people sharing their stories with them. Have you thought about privately asking the mom how she is doing with her grief and if it is okay to talk about her child and to donate in the child’s honor? |
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Post by christine58 on Sept 22, 2018 20:53:12 GMT
I don't want to cause pain. I do want to remember child and we donate to place they were treated. But I will stop if that's for the best. Or donate anon. I would keep donating..just because they don't mention his/her name doesn't mean that they don't appreciate your donations. Sometimes parents fear mentioning their name to others because many times people don't know what to do when that happens. Say his/her name if you want, it may open a door for that family. |
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Post by dewryce on Sept 22, 2018 21:09:46 GMT
A relative's young child passed away several years ago. My spouse and I donate money/make memorials in the child's name.
I would like to acknowledge the child during conversation- when it is appropriate to do so (birthday of child) etc.
However, the parents never bring the child up. I mean in years, I have never (and see them several times a month) mention the child at all. They do not have any pictures of them, etc.
Knowing, this, would you assume making donations, mentioning missing the child etc is not appreciated?
No, I wouldn't assume that. It may be different for us because our son was stillborn, but we love it when people talk about him. We don't often share our thoughts of him because we don't want to make others uncomfortable. But it makes us happy to know he was remembered and we would be touched by your donations and bringing him up. Perhaps, in a private setting, you can do so and share your thoughts. "I miss (name) often think of him/her, but hesitate mentioning him/her because you never do and I don't want to bring you pain. What can I do to make things easier for you? Would you prefer I continue as I have or do you like (name) being brought into discussions? Know that I am always available if you want to talk about him/her." Something along those lines might be good. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
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Post by Just T on Sept 22, 2018 21:13:22 GMT
I would leave it be. Those parents have chosen to deal with their loss in their own way. To bring it up would cause them pain which you don't want to do. I completely agree with what you said about the parents dealing with their loss in their own way. Everyone deals with loss very differently. But, I disagree that bringing it up will cause them pain. They are in pain whether you bring it up or not.
I would continue to do what you do. I guarantee that even if they don't talk about it, they appreciate those who continue to remember and honor their child, even if they do not feel up to talking about it. Someday, perhaps they will, and they will remember those who reached out and did special things in memory of their child.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Sept 22, 2018 21:31:09 GMT
I would continue making donations but I wouldn't bring the child up in conversation unless they initiated it. The fact that they have not mentioned it in years tells me they would prefer not to talk to you about the child.
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 23, 2018 1:32:48 GMT
The fact that they haven't spoken of their child could mean that they don't want to talk about him/her, or it could mean that they just don't want to make other people uncomfortable. For all we know, they could be sitting at home lamenting the fact that nobody ever talks about their child.
They've lost a child, they're already in pain. I don't see how mentioning their child (at least once, to try and gauge their reaction) is going to make their pain any worse.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
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Post by melissa on Sept 23, 2018 2:11:06 GMT
I have a friend who lost her son. She has shared how much she enjoys being with certain friends because she can speak of her son as much as she wants to and we will listen. There are many places where she does not feel comfortable mentioning him. But with us, it's a safe place where we all tell whatever stories that we can about him because the memories are really all that is left now. So, I would, at some point, ask.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Sept 23, 2018 2:37:32 GMT
Continuing to donate is wonderful.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 23, 2018 3:00:45 GMT
I don't want to cause pain. I do want to remember child and we donate to place they were treated. But I will stop if that's for the best. Or donate anon. I would keep donating..just because they don't mention his/her name doesn't mean that they don't appreciate your donations. Sometimes parents fear mentioning their name to others because many times people don't know what to do when that happens. Say his/her name if you want, it may open a door for that family. I think the parents appreciate what you do. I also think that she is not mentioned because it is too painful, and there is the undercurrent "will others be uncomfortable if I talk about it"
After my sister died it was years before I could talk about her without crying. Wounds take a long time to heal.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 17:45:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 3:09:08 GMT
You could write them a letter.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 23, 2018 9:55:07 GMT
After my sister died it was years before I could talk about her without crying. Wounds take a long time to heal. My 30 month old niece died in 1988...she would have been 33 a week ago. Still hurts. |
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Post by **Angie** on Sept 24, 2018 2:35:33 GMT
Continue donating as you have, especially since it hasn't been anonymous.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 24, 2018 3:10:57 GMT
Our neighbors lost their son almost two years ago and were polar opposites in how they have dealt with the grief, which sadly resulted in their marriage falling apart.
Mom wants to talk about him, is afraid people will forget him and appreciates anyone who texts, calls or sends a card to acknowledge his birthday and the day he died.
Dad doesn't want to talk about him, changed jobs and completely changed his group of friends, surrounding himself with people that don't know he had a son.
If you really feel the need to acknowledge the child more than the donations, send a card on the child's birthday or the anniversary of death with a simple thinking of you message.
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