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Post by beaglemom on Sept 24, 2018 0:17:14 GMT
Mil keeps asking for dh and youngest dd's social security numbers. It's to set up a 529 plan for her. We have the same financial advisor. He called a month ago to get them from me to set them up. Which was the day after they left to travel for a month. My guess is mil hasn't talked to the financial advisor yet and still thinks they need the numbers. Even though I've told her that I have him the numbers.
First she asked for them over text and I said no. Now she wants them written down. I offered to call the financial advisor in the morning to give it to him again if needed.
I don't think she would do anything weird with them. But she's in her 70s and misplaces things and I don't want their (dh/dd) socials floating around their house.
I can't think of any legitimate reason that I have to give them to her, if much rather give them directly to the advisor.
Thoughts?
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Post by MichyM on Sept 24, 2018 0:20:47 GMT
It's pretty straightforward IMO. If you don't trust her with them (which you clearly don't) don't give them to her. Call the FA in the morning and ask him to call her and let her know that he has them. Done.
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Post by malibou on Sept 24, 2018 0:27:04 GMT
I know it sucks to have to push back, but I would continue to say no. MichyM has a great idea, let the FA call her letting her know he has the info he needs to get her set up.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Sept 24, 2018 0:36:12 GMT
I wouldn't want those numbers floating around either, so I definitely wouldn't give them to someone that you don't trust 100%.
I might feel uneasy about pushing back, but you know what? If she can't respect your word when you tell her the financial advisor has the numbers, then it's ok to get pretty firm with her.
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Post by papersilly on Sept 24, 2018 0:46:39 GMT
Just give them to the advisor and tell her he has them note so no need to give them out again.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 24, 2018 1:48:39 GMT
I agree with the others to have the FA tell her that they already have them. I would also tell DH and DD that you have given them to the FA in case MIL does and end around you and tries to get the info from them directly.
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Post by bwife on Sept 24, 2018 2:42:00 GMT
Are you sure she might not need them for another reason? Maybe they are making changes to Life Ins policies or wills? I know my Inlaws called for DH's Social when they were making Life Ins changes. I would be direct and tell her that you dont want them floating around and that if they only need to go to the FA, you would be happy to call him. and then add, Unless you were needing them for a different reason. Never know.
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Post by utmr on Sept 24, 2018 2:57:48 GMT
Agree with giving the numbers directly to the financial advisor.
But. Be certain before you allow them to add funds to the accounts because then they will feel entitled to comment on every decision, and think they should get a say in things. FIL wanted to contribute to the children's UGMA accounts. I insisted that he set up new accounts for his contributions. DH thought I was nuts When FIL felt entitled to comment on my children's education, and my financial situation, I suggested that he take back his money and go home. After that we agreed that DH and I would pay for college and his money would be available to the children after they turned 30.
Just remember that nothing is free, and everything has a price.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 3:02:23 GMT
I wouldn't want SSN's floating around either. Being that she's doing this out of generosity, I'd handle this with kid's gloves and tell her that you can 1) give the info to the FA directly and/or 2) you or DH would be happy to be there with her when she opens the account so you can give that information directly to the financial institution.
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Post by beaglemom on Sept 24, 2018 3:20:28 GMT
Dh has been supportive of me not giving them to her and DD is 6 months old. She tried pressing it way dinner tonight and I reiterated that I've already given them to the FA and that I'll call in the morning to verify. She claimed he had sent her some form that she had to fill out with spaces for them. We aren't counting on this money in the end to pay for school for the kids. If it happens great, if not we've got it covered.
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peaname
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Post by peaname on Sept 24, 2018 10:54:40 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Sept 24, 2018 11:18:21 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I'm not the OP, but I can definitely imagine scenarios where I wouldn't trust certain people in my life with SSNs. Not because they're malicious or would ever do anything deliberately. But the most loving and well-meaning person can be a little disorganized, or just kind of loose with what they consider important. Combine that with the stories you hear of the massive problems that occur if someone gets ahold of your SSN........I would want to do exactly what OP is trying to do. I'd try to convey it very kindly, but for some reason OP's MIL isn't accepting her response.
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Post by elaine on Sept 24, 2018 12:02:19 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I'm not the OP, but I can definitely imagine scenarios where I wouldn't trust certain people in my life with SSNs. Not because they're malicious or would ever do anything deliberately. But the most loving and well-meaning person can be a little disorganized, or just kind of loose with what they consider important. Combine that with the stories you hear of the massive problems that occur if someone gets ahold of your SSN........I would want to do exactly what OP is trying to do. I'd try to convey it very kindly, but for some reason OP's MIL isn't accepting her response. My guess is that it now isn’t about the SSN’s per se for the MIL, but a trust issue. My guess is that she is hurt/angry/confused (I’m not sure which) that the OP doesn’t trust her. Until they have a direct conversation about trust, there will probably continual to be residual questions and push and pull. Me, personally, would give the SSNs to the MIL. She at one point had the dh’s SSN for years, so it isn’t as if she blabbed it to the world. At one point, I had my SSN on my personal checks for years. Yes, things have changed now with the Internet, but I think that reiterating to MIL that you wouldn’t want her to store the numbers on her computer would be sufficient for me. It just wouldn’t be worth the bad feelings that appear to be developing on the part of MIL. But, that is me. Since the OP and her dh are in agreement, they should do what is right/comfortable for their family. I would gently suggest a heart-to-heart between OP, dh and his mother about trust, however, because that is what this is about. And would encourage the OP and her dh to consider how it would feel to have the MIL’s own child and his wife admit that they didn’t trust her.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Sept 24, 2018 12:11:11 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. Right? Guessing this is about wayyyyy more than SSN#. Wonder why she isn't just dealing with her son? Why are you involved at all? Hand it all to DH and tell him to deal with his mother.
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Post by Fidget on Sept 24, 2018 13:03:18 GMT
I recently had to ask my kids for their ssn's for a retirement policy. I have DH as the primary beneficiary and put my 2 kids as secondary 50/50. It required that I supply their SSN. I wouldn't want those numbers written down where she could possible misplace them but she may need them. If she needs to enter them in on a website to contribute to the 529 maybe you or DH could go to her house and actually do it for her?
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Sept 24, 2018 13:08:17 GMT
Is there anyway that she can give you the papers (or you go to her house) and you just fill in the SSN yourself? That way it's not "floating around the house" and it's on the form that she needs it for.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Sept 24, 2018 13:20:49 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I should have added to my last response that I have grandchildren, I don't have their SSNs, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I don't have them. Not that I've ever asked for them. But I think if I ever needed them for something like in the OP, I would assure my kids that however they want to get the #s to the proper place is A-OK with me. It's part of showing that you respect them as the parents. Times are different. The days of throwing out SSNs and credit card numbers like they're confetti are over. Seriously, lives are ruined when this information gets in the wrong hands. In the OP's scenario especially, I don't get why her MIL is still pushing to get the #s when she has been assured that they've been given to the proper person already.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 24, 2018 15:09:01 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I don't know the OP's family relationship, but for me it's a matter of what MIL will do with the paper its written on. My MIL writes things on envelopes, newspapers, book margins/covers, magazines, etc. Then these items get sent to trash, recycling or in the case of books/magazines donated. In the day an age of scammers, I don't want my name and SS# floating around for anyone to get. I have my credit and SSA locked down, but I still don't want it floating around out there.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 24, 2018 15:12:47 GMT
And when we were cleaning out MIL's house to move her to AL, we found a paper tucked into an old encyclopedia with her sons, DIL's and grandkids name, address, birth dates and marriage dates. Yeah, not giving her my SS# too.
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Post by padresfan619 on Sept 24, 2018 15:14:30 GMT
I get it, OP. I don’t have an issue with my mother-in-law having the SSN, but I do have an issue with how flighty and aloof she is about personal security. We’ve had to lecture her about not clicking links in email, not giving her credit card number over the phone, and keeping varied, strong passwords. I would wait until she gets back from traveling and reassure her that the adviser has all of the necessary info.
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Post by myshelly on Sept 24, 2018 15:20:09 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I agree with this. If you want to give my kids money for college, have my SSN, my PIN, and any other thing you want.
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 24, 2018 16:47:05 GMT
And when we were cleaning out MIL's house to move her to AL, we found a paper tucked into an old encyclopedia with her sons, DIL's and grandkids name, address, birth dates and marriage dates. Yeah, not giving her my SS# too. Not sure why this is a big deal? I probably have stuff around here with similar info about family.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 24, 2018 16:56:03 GMT
I’m not going to give you a hard time about worrying that your MIL won’t safeguard the SSN. It’s your job as a parent to safeguard your child’s SSN. If the FA needs the SSN for paperwork that’s been given to MIL they can fill it out as they already have it. If MIL wants to make this an issue don’t engage. However, I would discuss with DH to make sure you are both on the same page. He may just give it to her to appease her. Don’t know the relationship dynamics there.
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Sept 24, 2018 18:51:27 GMT
And when we were cleaning out MIL's house to move her to AL, we found a paper tucked into an old encyclopedia with her sons, DIL's and grandkids name, address, birth dates and marriage dates. Yeah, not giving her my SS# too. Not sure why this is a big deal? I probably have stuff around here with similar info about family. The big deal is not that she had the info, that's typical family stuff. It's that if we didn't flip through each book, our info would've been sent to donation. Sorry but I don't want my SS# floating around with my other identifying information.
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Post by Margie on Sept 24, 2018 23:15:42 GMT
Times are different. The days of throwing out SSNs and credit card numbers like they're confetti are over. Seriously, lives are ruined when this information gets in the wrong hands. Off-topic here, but does anyone remember the days when if you wrote a check at the grocery store, you had to write your SS# right on the front of your check?
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Post by elaine on Sept 25, 2018 0:42:35 GMT
Times are different. The days of throwing out SSNs and credit card numbers like they're confetti are over. Seriously, lives are ruined when this information gets in the wrong hands. Off-topic here, but does anyone remember the days when if you wrote a check at the grocery store, you had to write your SS# right on the front of your check? Yes, that is why I mentioned up-thread that I actually had it printed on my checks. Different times nowadays. That said, I think that it is much more likely that your SSN will be “stolen” when hackers break into bank/store credit card/government/DOD data bases (we’ve had all three be comprised) than sharing it with a family member. And the OP and the husband should do what feels right to them, even though my choice would be different.
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Post by Leone on Sept 25, 2018 0:50:22 GMT
Yes, on the SS# on checks..,I even had mine printed on checks. Frankly, I wouldn’t be bothered contributing money if my DIL has an attitude towards me like this.
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Post by Outspoken on Sept 25, 2018 0:55:31 GMT
Why don’t yu ask her to come over and you’ll help her fill in those blanks and then you’ll make a copy of the form for your files.
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Post by beaglemom on Sept 25, 2018 1:37:21 GMT
If my DIL was refusing to trust me with SSN of my son and grandchild I don't think I'd bother contributing to a 529. It strikes me as odd that you don't trust her. I don't know the OP's family relationship, but for me it's a matter of what MIL will do with the paper its written on. My MIL writes things on envelopes, newspapers, book margins/covers, magazines, etc. Then these items get sent to trash, recycling or in the case of books/magazines donated. In the day an age of scammers, I don't want my name and SS# floating around for anyone to get. I have my credit and SSA locked down, but I still don't want it floating around out there. This is the issue. She is constantly writing things down and misplacing them. They leave things laying around with account numbers and all sorts of stuff. In the past we have had to give information multiple times because she misplaced it. During this last trip they had someone my fil worked with 30+ years who they were out of touch with for 25+ years house sitting for them - will more like he didn't have somewhere to stay so they let him stay in their house. We had to go check on something while they were gone and there was private financial stuff laying around. I'm not worried that she will do something weird with it, I'm worried she'll lose it or it will somehow make it into someone else's hands.
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Post by pattyraindrops on Sept 25, 2018 5:11:42 GMT
Yes, on the SS# on checks..,I even had mine printed on checks. Frankly, I wouldn’t be bothered contributing money if my DIL has an attitude towards me like this. I don't get this. It is the grandchild who would suffer the consequences for the DIL's 'attitude".
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