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Post by houstonsandy on Oct 1, 2018 21:45:36 GMT
Now that soon to be ex and I are separated, his sisters have finally revealed to him that they have harbored great anger with us for many years because of this:
He comes from a large family. Three sisters and a brother. They each have several kids, all of whom are much older than our daughter.
Each Christmas, the adults would draw names for the gift exchange. Then, as their kids graduated and got married, they were added to the name drawing pool.
Kids would always get gifts from everyone until they reached the draw pool age.
This worked fine for years....but then it seems we always got "stuck" with drawing family members we did not know very well.
Most everyone besides us lived in San Antonio, and we were in Houston. We were never present on the "drawing" day....our picks were (theoretically) drawn for us.
We would get the new wives or husbands of the nieces and we just did not know them well enough to choose gifts for them.
So I suggested that when they drew the names that year, that everyone fill out a little form filling in the blanks with stuff like: sizes/favorite colors/hobbies/interests/favorite restaurants/ect.
Seemingly harmless? Right?
Apparently not. My idea was shot down.
OK. No biggie.
During this same time period, our names always seemed to be "drawn" by the lamest of the gift givers. The ones that always said "Its been ordered and hasn't come in yet"....and then you never heard or got anything. Happened more than once. Or you got really, really bad stuff that went straight to the donation pile.
Again. No biggie. We weren't the kind of people that were into the gifts. It was more about being together with family, right?
We normally did not go to San Antonio until the day after Christmas (we spent Christmas day at home or with my mother...the widow... with us, her only grandchild and my unmarried brother).
So we were not even around for the official gift exchange. We saw no harm in bowing out gracefully the next year.
Well.....apparently that was most offensive to the sisters and they were (Quote) "furious" with my husband for siding with me when the suggestion of filling our the sheets for suggestions was poo-poo'd.
(insert confused face here...) and we quit participating in the exchange.
This was YEARS ago.....I mean, like 10 or more YEARS ago! They are still angry with me (and apparently still with the ex) about this!
Also around this time, his mom passed away and we were then the ignored ones in the family. They stopped giving my daughter gifts for Christmas and did not even send a card for her birthdays.
Now that we are separated, they want to "reconnect" with my daughter.
She does not particularly wish to do so. They are strangers to her. She is now 21.
I just find it a very odd thing to harbor such anger over for soooooo many years.
We always knew that things were strained since his mom passed....we just never knew why. Never would have guessed it was because of this!
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Post by dewryce on Oct 1, 2018 21:50:01 GMT
It's things like this that reinforce to me the importance of discussing issues rather than letting them fester. How ridiculous. At least you don't have to deal with them anymore. Just your husband, and maybe your daughter if she so chooses.
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Deleted
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May 10, 2024 5:44:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2018 22:08:02 GMT
Tell your STBX that what they think is no longer important to you and that he needs to learn to deal with the wrath of HIS family on his own.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 1, 2018 22:13:52 GMT
Tell your STBX that what they think is no longer important to you and that he needs to learn to deal with the wrath of HIS family on his own. Yea, that. I would however encourage your dd to connect with them. They are her family. She's going to regret it later. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 1, 2018 22:15:04 GMT
Oh, how are you hearing all this? They are telling your ex, and he's telling YOU this? Shut him down. If not you are going to cont to be told all these horror stories and thoughts from the ex inlaws for years. You, in their eyes are the bad guy, and always will be.
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Post by hop2 on Oct 1, 2018 22:19:46 GMT
Your DD is 21 she gets to choose whom she wishes to reconnect with and who it to. Just tell anyone who asks she is her own person.
And Christmas/holidayxrdo makes me roll My eyes or maybe vent here but hold on to it for years? Nope
I wish you peace with your separation & divorce it is hard under the best circumstances
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Post by dewryce on Oct 1, 2018 22:22:19 GMT
Tell your STBX that what they think is no longer important to you and that he needs to learn to deal with the wrath of HIS family on his own. Yea, that. I would however encourage your dd to connect with them. They are her family. She's going to regret it later. Maybe. I don't regret not keeping in touch with the other side of the family when my parents got a divorce. |
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Post by librarylady on Oct 1, 2018 22:23:25 GMT
Is this a Texas thing? I could have written a lot of your letter, only I have 8 siblings (total of 9) regarding the Christmas gift exchange. Ours ran the same way--kid turns 18, the name goes into the "adult pool."
Enough have died that we just don't exchange gifts per se anymore. I send a food gift to my sibling and spouse.
Nieces/nephews no longer participate.
But, harboring resentment for 10 years--get a life.
Get angry about something worth being angry about.........not on how to exchange gifts.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763 
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Post by scrapngranny on Oct 1, 2018 22:28:13 GMT
I can’t think anybody has time or energy for that stuff. As far as your daughter, she is an adult now and is in charge of her own relationships. Yay, or nay, it’s her problem.
I thank God I’m an only child.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,454
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Oct 1, 2018 22:30:38 GMT
Nothing surprises me much any more. My FIL's brother had a big fight with FIL and MIL about the way he had been treated by them over the years. DH's uncle brought up petty stuff childhood and from when FIL and MIL were dating. They just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary!
My family is very much the kind to say it as it is. Thankfully my in-laws appreciate me being up front.
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Post by mom on Oct 1, 2018 22:33:17 GMT
Now that soon to be ex and I are separated, his sisters have finally revealed to him that they have harbored great anger with us for many years because of this: He comes from a large family. Three sisters and a brother. They each have several kids, all of whom are much older than our daughter. Each Christmas, the adults would draw names for the gift exchange. Then, as their kids graduated and got married, they were added to the name drawing pool. Kids would always get gifts from everyone until they reached the draw pool age. This worked fine for years....but then it seems we always got "stuck" with drawing family members we did not know very well. Most everyone besides us lived in San Antonio, and we were in Houston. We were never present on the "drawing" day....our picks were (theoretically) drawn for us. We would get the new wives or husbands of the nieces and we just did not know them well enough to choose gifts for them. So I suggested that when they drew the names that year, that everyone fill out a little form filling in the blanks with stuff like: sizes/favorite colors/hobbies/interests/favorite restaurants/ect. Seemingly harmless? Right? Apparently not. My idea was shot down. OK. No biggie. During this same time period, our names always seemed to be "drawn" by the lamest of the gift givers. The ones that always said "Its been ordered and hasn't come in yet"....and then you never heard or got anything. Happened more than once. Or you got really, really bad stuff that went straight to the donation pile. Again. No biggie. We weren't the kind of people that were into the gifts. It was more about being together with family, right? We normally did not go to San Antonio until the day after Christmas (we spent Christmas day at home or with my mother...the widow... with us, her only grandchild and my unmarried brother). So we were not even around for the official gift exchange. We saw no harm in bowing out gracefully the next year. Well.....apparently that was most offensive to the sisters and they were (Quote) "furious" with my husband for siding with me when the suggestion of filling our the sheets for suggestions was poo-poo'd. (insert confused face here...) and we quit participating in the exchange. This was YEARS ago.....I mean, like 10 or more YEARS ago! They are still angry with me (and apparently still with the ex) about this! Also around this time, his mom passed away and we were then the ignored ones in the family. They stopped giving my daughter gifts for Christmas and did not even send a card for her birthdays. Now that we are separated, they want to "reconnect" with my daughter. She does not particularly wish to do so. They are strangers to her. She is now 21. I just find it a very odd thing to harbor such anger over for soooooo many years. We always knew that things were strained since his mom passed....we just never knew why. Never would have guessed it was because of this! If your xDH is telling you this, then you need to stop him. This is not your issue anymore. He can deal with it. |
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 1, 2018 23:11:01 GMT
No, this wouldn't have bothered me at all, but I do have one sister that would definitely be festering over it.
I also suspect their interest in getting to know your DD will taper off pretty quickly.
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Deleted
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May 10, 2024 5:44:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2018 23:24:09 GMT
Tell your STBX that what they think is no longer important to you and that he needs to learn to deal with the wrath of HIS family on his own. Yea, that. I would however encourage your dd to connect with them. They are her family. She's going to regret it later. I bet she won’t. |
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Post by houstonsandy on Oct 2, 2018 0:32:16 GMT
I just had no idea....this was a complete surprise out of left field when I found this out. Now I have more of an understanding as to why they totally ignored my attempt to reach out to them when we first separated. I thought they were just so upset because I kicked their brother to the curb.
I was trying to get them to be involved in their brothers choices before he made too many bad decisions. Too late for that now though,since they totally blew me off when all of this started. He has been signing up on numerous "adult dating" websites...using his real and complete name!...paying $70.00 a day to access the replies he gets from bogus "sexy ladies that are interested" in him. Having hookers and strippers come to visit him. Becoming increasingly involved with one stripper in particular..an illegal immigrant with two school age children..who always needs money for phones, groceries, a new car, a new apartment and furniture, laptops for the kids, printers, her car gets towed (after getting stopped by cops and having no valid license)and she has to pay to get it out of impound, you name it. He is 63 yo, overweight, confined to riding a scooter and wheelchair with ED. Does he seriously think a 20 something stripper is committed to him? He is already over 8,000.00 in debt and he's only been out of the house since mid August. He went through $10,000 in a month and had to borrow from me until he got another equity payment from me in September. He doesn't know how to pay his credit card online, so had me do it and I can see its maxed out at nearly 9,000.00 already. He can't pay it off, and he is funneling so much money to his stripper that he cannot commit to paying his share of our daughter's college tuition and living expenses. I tried reaching out to each of them so I could warn them where he was heading...but they would not even talk to me. Oh well...they will have to be the ones he goes begging from when he is broke. I'll just be sitting back going "told ya!" And all because we opted out of the Christmas gift exchange! Hahahaha! Sorry....had the urge to vent a little...lol |
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Post by MichyM on Oct 2, 2018 0:40:36 GMT
I completely agree with the suggestion to encourage your daughter to attempt a relationship with that side of the family. As an adult, she can form her own opinions. (Especially) as an only, the more family she has in her life, the better...so long as they are healthy relationships.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662
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Post by Rhondito on Oct 2, 2018 1:17:19 GMT
Yes, it would probably bother me... but you know what? Let it go... stop letting it rent space in your brain.
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Deleted
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May 10, 2024 5:44:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2018 1:25:55 GMT
Unless your daughter was brought up with these people, she is not going to miss them. They already stopped acknowledging her, she will be fine with just seeing her dad.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 2, 2018 2:48:35 GMT
Unless your daughter was brought up with these people, she is not going to miss them. They already stopped acknowledging her, she will be fine with just seeing her dad. Seeing her dad doesn’t sound like a great idea right now??! How do you (OP) know all these details??! Yikes |
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Post by megop on Oct 2, 2018 2:50:08 GMT
Anger for 10 years over Christmas gifts. Egads. Not sure I would even want anything to do with "family" that was capable of that kind of angst over stuff. I vote, just let it go and let them fester on their own. Live on and happy.
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Post by houstonsandy on Oct 2, 2018 4:16:31 GMT
Unless your daughter was brought up with these people, she is not going to miss them. They already stopped acknowledging her, she will be fine with just seeing her dad. Seeing her dad doesn’t sound like a great idea right now??! How do you (OP) know all these details??! Yikes lol...one of the last things he did before he moved out was to get a new phone. When he left, he did not take his old phone with him. He didn't change his apple id/password for two months. I don't think he ever realized I could see all of his texts! |
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 2, 2018 4:21:58 GMT
My sisters in law are like this (hubs’ actual sisters. My bro in laws wife has her own set of quirks but not on the same level as hubs’ sisters). They hold massive grudges forever over the tiniest of slights. It’s annoying as all get out and makes me not want to be friends with them. I have taken a “fuck em” attitude when it comes to dealing with them. I will try to accommodate them to a point, and if that’s not good enough, we’ll, “fuck them”. Hubs doesn’t have a problem with it, so it’s all good here.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,126
Location: New York, NY
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Post by christinec68 on Oct 2, 2018 4:40:33 GMT
I wouldn't be bothered about dropping out of the christmas exchange. I can't stand it when they are thoughtless. We used to do that with my mother's side of the family and we had to put down three exact things we wanted. Your suggestion to help come up with gift ideas is fine but this felt like getting sent on an errand. Anyways, I'm not clear if you just bowed out of the exchange or going to see the family after the holiday too. If it's the latter, I would be disappointed about not seeing family for the holiday but not so mad that I would bring it up years later.
But my husband's brother is like that. He's mad at one of his cousin's husband's for some slight that happened at our wedding. In 2002. Apparently, it's mutual because the cousin's husband allegedly snubbed my BIL at my FIL's wake. My husband is telling me this and all I could say is that they see each other once every 3 years, they are not important enough to each other in general to have a thing between them but whatever.
I agree with everyone else to tell your STBX to keep it to himself. I would let DD to decide for herself - even though they sound a little nuts, it can be nice to have family in your life. Even if it's at arm's length.
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Post by mom26 on Oct 2, 2018 4:46:15 GMT
My MIL was the silent, strong glue that held all family members in check. When she passed, the dynamics of the family changed and changed drastically.
No one from 'up there' talks to us or acknowledges us at all anymore. Those who vacation or visit here multiple times a year never contact us for a get together (when they always used to). Even DH's brother, with whom he has no quarrel, doesn't say boo to us when he and his wife go to Disney a couple/three times a year. (Disney is less than 2 hours from out house.)
As I have watched this unfold over the past 5 years, I've come to the conclusion that there is almost always ONE person who keeps it together for family. When that person is gone and no one takes their place, true colors emerge.
And I don't have time or respect for that. It's their loss and I move on. With NO regrets.
I'm kind of a bitch like that.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 2, 2018 6:34:07 GMT
Ridiculous. You are well rid of this bunch of controlling clowns. If your daughter is not interested in 'reconnecting' with them - great. They are, in the main, strangers after all. She certainly doesn't need to be drawn into this grabby gift giving malarkey. No doubt they will have an opinion or two to offer her about things that have happened in the past too.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 10, 2024 5:44:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2018 7:25:39 GMT
I don't think your daughter will regret for one minute not having a relationship with these people, they're petty and ridiculous and would probably take great joy in bad mouthing you at every opportunity.
'Family' is not a good reason to force a relationship!
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Post by mygigiscraps on Oct 2, 2018 11:43:09 GMT
I just had no idea....this was a complete surprise out of left field when I found this out. Now I have more of an understanding as to why they totally ignored my attempt to reach out to them when we first separated. I thought they were just so upset because I kicked their brother to the curb.
I was trying to get them to be involved in their brothers choices before he made too many bad decisions. Too late for that now though,since they totally blew me off when all of this started. He has been signing up on numerous "adult dating" websites...using his real and complete name!...paying $70.00 a day to access the replies he gets from bogus "sexy ladies that are interested" in him. Having hookers and strippers come to visit him. Becoming increasingly involved with one stripper in particular..an illegal immigrant with two school age children..who always needs money for phones, groceries, a new car, a new apartment and furniture, laptops for the kids, printers, her car gets towed (after getting stopped by cops and having no valid license)and she has to pay to get it out of impound, you name it. He is 63 yo, overweight, confined to riding a scooter and wheelchair with ED. Does he seriously think a 20 something stripper is committed to him? He is already over 8,000.00 in debt and he's only been out of the house since mid August. He went through $10,000 in a month and had to borrow from me until he got another equity payment from me in September. He doesn't know how to pay his credit card online, so had me do it and I can see its maxed out at nearly 9,000.00 already. He can't pay it off, and he is funneling so much money to his stripper that he cannot commit to paying his share of our daughter's college tuition and living expenses. I tried reaching out to each of them so I could warn them where he was heading...but they would not even talk to me. Oh well...they will have to be the ones he goes begging from when he is broke. I'll just be sitting back going "told ya!" And all because we opted out of the Christmas gift exchange! Hahahaha! Sorry....had the urge to vent a little...lol No longer your monkeys, OR your circus. The best thing about having an ex-husband is that they aren't there with shit like this anymore. You are missing out on the good part of divorce by continuing to be concerned with his baggage. |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 2, 2018 12:13:38 GMT
Well, I think they are all nuts. The good news is they are no longer your problem.
Since you have access to his credit card, I'd cancel it. But, that's me.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Oct 2, 2018 12:30:05 GMT
The only person you need to be concerned about is your daughter. That’s it. What you STBX does isn’t your problem, theoretically. BUT... depending what the status is of your filings, be careful that his debt doesn’t turn into your debt. If you’re not divorced yet, it could become yours. (I know all state laws here are different, but my state, that could have become mine during certain stages of filing)
It’s only up to you DD if she wants a relationship with her family. If she chooses no, let her. If she wants one, let her.
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Post by librarylady on Oct 2, 2018 13:32:11 GMT
If you are in a community property state, that debt on the credit cards will be yours when it all goes down.
I was also told that if you signed the credit card application--no matter what the court says in the divorce, the CC people can come after you. It will also "ding" your credit.
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Post by deekaye on Oct 2, 2018 16:46:16 GMT
Oh gosh, I can relate. For the first few years of our marriage I went along with "tradition" and bought presents for relatives on his side that I barely knew... or in one case, a cousin that I had never met and who lived out of state so presents had to be mailed. We were living paycheck to paycheck as most young couples and frankly, this sucked the joy out of Christmas. At the next summer family reunion, I suggested to his same-age female cousins that we might want to forgo the "tradition" since we were all starting our own families, etc. They jumped at the chance. Seems that they had wanted to stop this gift-grab for years but no one had the guts to buck the Aunts!
Mother-in-law and Aunts were resentful for years that I had "spoiled the fun" of Christmas. Seems that those same-aged cousins threw me under the bus, stating that it was all my idea, etc. Sheesh, it took me years to realize it was their problem, not mine!
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