joeyjojo
New Member
Posts: 3
Oct 1, 2018 23:50:43 GMT
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Post by joeyjojo on Oct 2, 2018 0:07:15 GMT
Sorry for the alter. I need unbiased honesty.
Background:
Been married 20 years. Marriage hasn’t been great for years. Have kids. Husband is on the spectrum. I have a history of sexual abuse and assault. Husband’s main complaint has always been about sex. I have issues with being grabbed or groped without warning due to past trauma. Husband gets offended that I don’t like spontaneous intimacy, but I have an easier time initiating intimacy and have asked him to give me advance notice that he is interested. He has refused to do so. When I initiate, he acts cold and resentful because he’s trying to get back at me for not responding previously. We have sex 1-2 times a week, but he is always angry about the quality of our sex.
Husband comes home every night and gets on iPad in another room and is completely disengaged from family. Kids have no relationship with him. It’s a mess, but I didn’t want to hurt my kids by divorcing.
Last week, after an argument about Dr. Ford’s believability things got heated (I was feeling a bit triggered after her testimony). He shouted at me “I AM AFRAID OF YOU!” I responded that I was afraid of his politics as well. He responded, “Not your politics, I am afraid that you will falsely claim that I have sexually assaulted you!!”.
How would you receive this remark? I am furious and DONE with this marriage. Am I being too sensitive or would this comment cross the line for you, too?
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Post by malibou on Oct 2, 2018 0:13:47 GMT
Sorry life is kicking you in the shin just now.
Will he go to counseling? Have you been in counseling?
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Post by mom on Oct 2, 2018 0:14:47 GMT
I don't know how I would take that comment, but we'd be going to a marriage counselor, pronto.
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Post by MichyM on Oct 2, 2018 0:17:37 GMT
I'm so sorry this has happened, and that things between the two of you have gotten to that point. I don't know how I would receive that specific remark because I honestly cannot see a scenario like the one you posted in my life. More important to me is: have you (either separately or together) considered counseling? Even with the little bits you have posted, things sound very complicated between the two of you and some outside input and help would likely be very helpful.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 2, 2018 0:19:41 GMT
How would you receive this remark? I am furious and DONE with this marriage. Am I being too sensitive or would this comment cross the line for you, too? I'd be done...want to bet he's looking at porn on that iPad??? Your issues are bigger than what he said. YOU at least need counseling. And a lawyer |
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389 
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Post by peaname on Oct 2, 2018 0:31:34 GMT
That’s not a situation I would tolerate for my kids. I’m sorry you are being treated this way. I hope you can find a supportive environment, you deserve that.
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joeyjojo
New Member
Posts: 3
Oct 1, 2018 23:50:43 GMT
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Post by joeyjojo on Oct 2, 2018 0:35:57 GMT
He wants to go to marriage counseling, and I will. But, this marriage is dead for me. I can’t be married to someone that thinks I am capable of that.
I told him a year ago I needed him to be more engaged with the family. For two weeks he would spend time in the room with all of us. Then he went back to his old ways and things have been the same.
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Post by papersilly on Oct 2, 2018 0:37:48 GMT
I would be done too. I think having been a victim of assault, you should find a safe environment where you can get counseling if you think that will help you sort through your intimacy issues. At the same time, you should consult with an attorney just so you are properly advised if you decide to leave the marriage. Finally, maybe get counseling for the kids if you feel it will help them transition to two households. Good luck to you.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 2, 2018 0:39:41 GMT
I’m so sorry you’re hurting! *hug*
I don’t feel like I can fairly weigh in because I have no experience with adults who are on the spectrum. Does it affect his perception of the situation? Is he maybe unable to separate your request for advance notice of his intentions from an actual attack/assault situation? If that’s the case, I can sort of see how his brain might be putting it together.
Of course I could also be way off base and if so I apologize. I definitely agree with the others that counseling is in order. Ideally with someone who specializes in working with those on the spectrum.
Please be gentle with yourself. It’s ok that you’re struggling. You aren’t alone in that. And it’s ok to shut out the news for a while.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 2, 2018 0:41:31 GMT
He wants to go to marriage counseling, and I will. But, this marriage is dead for me. I can’t be married to someone that thinks I am capable of that. I told him a year ago I needed him to be more engaged with the family. For two weeks he would spend time in the room with all of us. Then he went back to his old ways and things have been the same. You posted this as I was typing. I’m so sorry. Such a difficult situation! |
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Post by Zee on Oct 2, 2018 0:54:31 GMT
I'm still stuck on the fact that you have sex 1-2 times per week with someone you don't like. But his feelings are his feelings and they're not invalid just because you disagree. Maybe he knows on some level that he's triggering you and is concerned that he could set you off. It must be obvious you don't like having sex with him. I would be resentful too.
It seems that you have some fundamental differences that I wouldn't want to work on, though. Time to move on. Best of luck to you. You shouldn't stay in a marriage where you feel obligated to have sex with an angry husband.
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Post by hop2 on Oct 2, 2018 1:15:45 GMT
The latest argument is just a symptom.
Your marriage has deep issues. You have issues of your own as you have stated. I hope you can see a therapist to help you work on that on that no matter what your future holds, you deserve to heal and reach some place of peace if that is at all possible. I think many of us were triggered last week by either her testimony or the treatment of Dr Ford. Your not alone in your discomfort last week.
But in addition to that it appears from what you wrote that your husband has no respect for you. In my experience that doesn’t work well for the unrespected person. You can loose yourself in a relationship like that. If you really are done, then seek legal advice and do what your lawyer advises. If your not really done perhaps see if he will go to counseling together.
I wish you the best
Hugs
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kelly8875
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Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Oct 2, 2018 1:59:48 GMT
Sorry for the alter. I need unbiased honesty. Husband comes home every night and gets on iPad in another room and is completely disengaged from family. Kids have no relationship with him. It’s a mess, but I didn’t want to hurt my kids by divorcing. Your kids are already hurt by this situation. Don’t use them as an excuse to stay. I hate this as an excuse that so many people use. Kids are so much smarter than they get credit for. You’d rather stay and teach them to stay in a miserable marriage? You’d rather stay and teach them that it’s okay for you to all be ignored? |
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Post by karinec on Oct 2, 2018 2:02:13 GMT
He wants to go to marriage counseling, and I will. But, this marriage is dead for me. I can’t be married to someone that thinks I am capable of that. I told him a year ago I needed him to be more engaged with the family. For two weeks he would spend time in the room with all of us. Then he went back to his old ways and things have been the same. I can relate to this part of your problem with your husband. IMO life is too short to spend with a person you feel this way about. By the time my marriage was "dead" I was ready to get out. One of my better decisions in life. Sorry you are going through this. |
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Post by megop on Oct 2, 2018 2:43:44 GMT
My opinion is that it is never good to make these sorts of decisions within a few days of a significant emotionally charged event like you describe. The fact that you came here to ask if any of us would be done, indicates to me that you are still questioning. At the very least, what I would do is absolutely seek counseling for myself to sort out a decision as to what I really wanted with more clarity. After that, or possibly at the same time while also attending marriage counseling together, I would determine for myself if I was or was not interested in working to repair the marriage.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 2, 2018 2:50:54 GMT
I'm still stuck on the fact that you have sex 1-2 times per week with someone you don't like. But his feelings are his feelings and they're not invalid just because you disagree. Maybe he knows on some level that he's triggering you and is concerned that he could set you off. It must be obvious you don't like having sex with him. I would be resentful too. It seems that you have some fundamental differences that I wouldn't want to work on, though. Time to move on. Best of luck to you. You shouldn't stay in a marriage where you feel obligated to have sex with an angry husband. Yea! That? You have sex 2xs a week with someone you don’t like? I don’t have sex that much with my dh and I like him... |
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Oct 2, 2018 3:04:02 GMT
The groping and then continuing to do so after I asked not to would have been the end for me. The mra/misogyny bullshit is just shit icing on a rotten cake.
Leave him and never look back. There are men who will treat you with respect and recognize consent before touching you.
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Post by mlynn on Oct 2, 2018 11:39:15 GMT
Sorry for the alter. I need unbiased honesty. Background: Been married 20 years. Marriage hasn’t been great for years. Have kids. Husband is on the spectrum. I have a history of sexual abuse and assault. Husband’s main complaint has always been about sex. I have issues with being grabbed or groped without warning due to past trauma. Husband gets offended that I don’t like spontaneous intimacy, but I have an easier time initiating intimacy and have asked him to give me advance notice that he is interested. He has refused to do so. When I initiate, he acts cold and resentful because he’s trying to get back at me for not responding previously. We have sex 1-2 times a week, but he is always angry about the quality of our sex. Husband comes home every night and gets on iPad in another room and is completely disengaged from family. Kids have no relationship with him. It’s a mess, but I didn’t want to hurt my kids by divorcing. Last week, after an argument about Dr. Ford’s believability things got heated (I was feeling a bit triggered after her testimony). He shouted at me “I AM AFRAID OF YOU!” I responded that I was afraid of his politics as well. He responded, “Not your politics, I am afraid that you will falsely claim that I have sexually assaulted you!!”. How would you receive this remark? I am furious and DONE with this marriage. Am I being too sensitive or would this comment cross the line for you, too? I would probably be offended hearing that remark. On the other hand, I was thinking the other day that it I was a man these days, I would be very fearful. I can certainly understand his fearfulness. I do not know if this is relevant, but I am a survivor of child sexual abuse - by multiple perpetrators. |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 2, 2018 12:23:21 GMT
The remark isn't really the problem. The problem is his lack of engagement and respect for your feelings.
Personally, I would go to marriage counseling. That way I could leave the marriage with no regrets, if that is how it goes. I would also seek counseling for myself. Get the tools you need to cope with your feelings and to move on.
Giant hugs, pea friend.
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schizo319
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Posts: 3,030
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Post by schizo319 on Oct 2, 2018 12:29:14 GMT
I would probably be offended hearing that remark. On the other hand, I was thinking the other day that it I was a man these days, I would be very fearful. I can certainly understand his fearfulness. I do not know if this is relevant, but I am a survivor of child sexual abuse - by multiple perpetrators. I think that's a very good point. I would also be VERY offended by that remark. That said, I can also acknowledge that when tensions are high sometimes people say stupid things they don't really mean as a knee jerk reaction (or as a "got ya") before they really think about what they're saying. I'm ashamed to say I have been guilty of it myself. It sounds like you have a lot of anger at him and maybe this is the last straw for you - there's nothing wrong with that if that's the case, but I'm glad to read that you will go to counseling, because regardless of whether it saves your marriage, it would probably be beneficial to you personally. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry that in addition to dealing with the difficulties in your marriage, you had to endure the ugliness of last week's trial - it's been very hard on a lot of women, but especially those who are survivors of sexual assault. |
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Post by pelirroja on Oct 2, 2018 12:38:59 GMT
You've got two decades invested into this relationship and that is a substantial chunk of time. I think you owe it to yourself to try to get some counseling (if not marital, then individually). ((hugs))
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Post by LisaDV on Oct 2, 2018 12:41:36 GMT
I would probably be offended hearing that remark. On the other hand, I was thinking the other day that it I was a man these days, I would be very fearful. I can certainly understand his fearfulness. I do not know if this is relevant, but I am a survivor of child sexual abuse - by multiple perpetrators. I think that's a very good point. I would also be VERY offended by that remark. That said, I can also acknowledge that when tensions are high sometimes people say stupid things they don't really mean as a knee jerk reaction (or as a "got ya") before they really think about what they're saying. I'm ashamed to say I have been guilty of it myself. It sounds like you have a lot of anger at him and maybe this is the last straw for you - there's nothing wrong with that if that's the case, but I'm glad to read that you will go to counseling, because regardless of whether it saves your marriage, it would probably be beneficial to you personally. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry that in addition to dealing with the difficulties in your marriage, you had to endure the ugliness of last week's trial - it's been very hard on a lot of women, but especially those who are survivors of sexual assault. This. I was going to say that in the heat of anger things are often said that come out wrong or without thought of the real feelings behind (just to get a rise out of someone or hurt them). I would go to counseling. |
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Deleted
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May 11, 2024 15:36:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2018 12:50:43 GMT
As someone who does marriage counseling with couples and just wives, how long ago was the sexual assault? I can only go off of what is posted here and only your perspective, but if the assault is affecting you in your marriage that way, perhaps it is affecting him as well. His comment may be poorly expressed concern for how you are coping with your past and how he feels unable to help you with that.
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Kerri W
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Posts: 3,768
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Oct 2, 2018 13:45:30 GMT
I'm sorry you were hurt by that remark. I would have been too. I can also see his point, however poorly expressed. I didn't see it mentioned, and please forgive me if I missed it, but have you sought counseling for the abuse you suffered in the past? Is it possible you don't realize how much it affects your daily life?
Coming from a totally different perspective, it's really hard living with somebody else's baggage. In my case it's my mother who refuses to deal with her past trauma. It affects her daily. In every single thing she does. Medically, she needs to live with us. It's really really hard to live with her unwillingness to DO anything about her past. I take her to a counselor twice a month and a psychiatrist once a month and she refuses to talk. I continue to take her. And for the time being I continue to have her in my home but I have to be honest and say I do not do it with joy and I'm fearful that it may be quickly coming to an end.
Perhaps we should be giving your DH a little bit of the benefit of the doubt for having the courage to speak up and tell you how it's affecting him?
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joeyjojo
New Member
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Oct 1, 2018 23:50:43 GMT
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Post by joeyjojo on Oct 2, 2018 14:16:22 GMT
I have sex with him 1-2 a week because I know that sex is how he feels closeness and even though it is a struggle for me, I didn’t want my lack of interest to be the reason our marriage failed.
The assault was in college before I met him.
Aside from intimacy, I don’t feel like the sex abuse really impacts me on a regular basis. I have been in therapy several times over the years to deal with the affects of the abuse. I’m not depressed/anxious or on any medication to treat those issues. I am happy and love my kids and have a lot of interests and a group of friends.
A year ago I started looking for help online for how to deal with a spouse on the autism spectrum. I found all of these articles saying how being married to someone with autism is extremely difficult, that 80% of the marriages end in divorce, and that it’s okay to walk away. Literally, almost every article I read said, this is going to be a hard, soul crushing marriage. You don’t have to stay. But, I didn’t want to turn my kids worlds upside down, because their dad is going to be disengaged and distant whether we are married or not. At least I could try to buffer it a little by staying together as opposed to him having them on holidays or weekends and not doing a single thing with them. I asked for a divorce at that time, he begged me to stay, said he would change, tried for 2 weeks and went back to his normal behavior.
The feedback that this has already screwed up my kids has been devastatingly honest. Thank you. I’m not being sarcastic.
I have begged and begged for my husband to be more communicative with me over the years. He cannot or will not do it. I tearfully asked him to talk to me once years ago, he said “sorry” and walked away. That has been how any of our conversations have gone. I ask him for more. He cannot give more.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Oct 2, 2018 14:57:44 GMT
I think part of it is he is autistic. It's not uncommon for them to be removed, or uncommunicative. It's part of their diagnosis. Was he like this before you married him? or is this new?
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 2, 2018 15:09:32 GMT
Coming from a totally different perspective, it's really hard living with somebody else's baggage. This is so true. And it's important to be brutally honest with ourselves about what baggage WE bring as well as what we are having to live with from the other person. Sometimes the baggage 'matches up' and sometimes it doesn't. It may be that despite the desire to work on the marriage and having the best of intentions, you simply can't make it work. Only you know that though. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Oct 2, 2018 15:23:08 GMT
My ex completely disengaged like that, too. For about the last year of our marriage. DD and I were walking on egg shells when he was home. It was awful, frankly. I cannot tell you how much better things got for both of us when he moved out. The tension in the house left with him.
Let the decision be about you and your husband - the kids will be OK. Think about what you want to teach them about their own lives - if one of your kids found themselves in the same situation you are in, what would you want them to do?
Oh - and if he has continued to grope you when you have specifically asked him not too, his stated fear may be because he suspects he might be guilty.
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Oct 2, 2018 15:45:14 GMT
I have issues with being grabbed or groped without warning due to past trauma. Husband gets offended that I don’t like spontaneous intimacy, but I have an easier time initiating intimacy and have asked him to give me advance notice that he is interested. He has refused to do so. I seriously cannot believe how many of you are ignoring the fact that he touches her sexually without her consent. Like it is straight up blowing my mind that a group of women are not addressing this at all, and instead telling her to talk it out in counseling? There's no need for counseling, she asked him not to do this and HE HAS REFUSED TO DO SO. If he was hitting her instead of groping her, would you be saying the same thing? Go to counseling, talk it out...? No, you wouldn't. Men don't have a right to our bodies just because they are our husbands. Also it has nothing to do with her past trauma that she doesn't like this. I've never been sexually assaulted and nobody touches me without my consent. If they do they are likely to get punched in the face, I don't react well to people touching me and especially not without some sort of warning. And somehow my husband and I manage to be intimate, even spontaneously, without him groping me without my permission. |
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Post by flanz on Oct 2, 2018 23:50:11 GMT
He wants to go to marriage counseling, and I will. But, this marriage is dead for me. I can’t be married to someone that thinks I am capable of that. I told him a year ago I needed him to be more engaged with the family. For two weeks he would spend time in the room with all of us. Then he went back to his old ways and things have been the same. I'm sorry this is your reality. WHY would you go to marriage counseling in light of the comments bolded, by me, above? Huge hugs to you as you navigate your way forward into a happier future! |
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