Life gets busy but...

I understand what you saying but sometimes, if life is really tough some of us just don't want to tell people what is going on because it is really just to hard to even discuss it especially when you are living it.

It doesn't mean that you are not my friend it means that I don't want to burden you - and when I'm through it I will maybe able to discuss it. It is painful that I'm not as vocal as some but it is just the way some of us are and I mean no offence. 

it means to me that I can talk to someone unconnected to my current issue and not talk about things and talk about other things instead. 

When I’m going through a particularly difficult time, I don’t tend to share right away. I put my head down and get to work, so to speak. Day to day stresses I prefer to talk out. Friendship for me is knowing how my friends deal/process things and being respectful of that. Of my two best friends I know intimate details about one and not a ton about the other’s stressful times. One calls and says she needs to have lunch or go get a drink and the other we hear about things well after they’re resolved. It’s about being there for whatever they need...and sometimes that’s space.

I have to admit I personally would not handle it well if I was already going through something and a friend was put off because I hadn’t given them the details they wanted. At that point it isn’t about them.

I’m a clam. I open to help others and shut tight when I’m stressed. Eventually I do open up and put out a feeler, but it’s hard for me to do. So don’t be too hard in your friends because we all have our own way of coping. The thing is, when I can finally reach out, my friends are always, always there for me, and I know this. And it helps tremendously.

I’ve been going through a divorce since May. I initiated it. My husband cannot or will not express feelings or emotions, is physically and emotionally withdrawn, and very controlling. Although I knew I’d done all I could to try to improve the marriage and that I have been damaged along the way, I still had a lot of anxiety and stress about leaving him. I’ve lost weight. I’m always nauseous and can’t sleep more than two hours at a time, and very few people in my life know how truly hard it’s been for me because I can’t even relax enough to tell them. But slowly I’ve started, and they are surrounding me like wagons around a campfire.

Just know your friends will tell you when they’re able — and then BE THERE for them like nobody’s business.

(((HUGS))) peasapie

Guess I’m a bad friend then because I’m pretty much like what you described...I don’t open up and talk to people about my issues and I do tend to pull away when I’m going through something, In return though I’m a really good friend to others as far as being there for that person if they need me...if they need space I back off because I feel like that’s what a good friend should do. I don’t find 3 months very long either to see each other..life happens.

I think you need to figure out if these friends are people you want in your life as they are because they don’t need the stress of having you feel as you do on them and you shouldn’t be stuck in a friendship that you 100% aren’t happy with.

I don't think it means your friendships aren't real. I'm going through some stuff right now and I've only shared with maybe 3 friends. 2 are my bestfriends and 1 I knew would be able to give me some guidance and options for me. Doesn't mean that my other friendships are real. In fact, we had a mom's night out last weekend. I didn't let them know what was going on. Right now, it's just best if I keep this to myself.

I've found that sharing a very difficult thing I'm going through can make me feel worse physically and emotionally. Just talking about it can be extremely stressful and then if I start crying, I cannot talk, get a runny nose or all stuffed up, get a headache for hours afterward, feel guilty for making the other person sad, etc. I've also found that if someone is nice to me during a really difficult time, I will cry even more! It makes no sense, but that's how I react.

I've been dealing with an ongoing problem and as the person who has always helped others it is very hard to accept help, comfort, etc., but I'm working on it. I do find that texting is often easier for me than talking so I try to stay in contact with my friends that way. I could never talk about sad, personal stuff while out at dinner with several friends because I would feel like I ruined everyone's evening out.

Another thing to keep in mind is the person with the problem may not want it out into the community, especially if you live in a small town. Secrets are almost impossible to keep for many people and word will get out. Nothing like going to the grocery store and having someone ask you about your health issue that you only told a couple of other people about! There are many, many reasons why someone might not want their problem out there, especially if it might effect their work or their spouses work due to having to take time off for appointments, etc.

I appreciate when my friends try to help me. I really do!!! I also appreciate when they don't make me feel bad for not sharing when it isn't the right time. Sometimes it has to be about what's best for me right now and not about what's best for my friends. Sometimes it takes everything to just get through the day without dealing with someone else's reactions to my stuff, you know? I hope everyone dealing with difficult things finds peace and solace today-
even if it is just for a bit of your day!

I am way more willing to help other people than to ask for help. Or even admit I need help. ‘I’m fine’ Which I am really, I'm reminded every day at work of how good I have it. Comparatively I am actually ‘fine’

But in times of deep stress or sorrow I prefer to hide. I didn’t want to even acknowledge when my parents died to all & sundry because I didn’t want to talk about it. A well meaning person asking how I am could bring on a hysterical crying binge no telling how long it would last. No way in hell did I want to talk to anyone about it.

My medical issues that took up the month of July were sort of really personal and not something I wanted to talk about. It was embarrassing enough that seemingly 1/2 the staff if TWO hospitals got to deal with this I wasn’t going to tell people any more than I had to. So texting my friends about it wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Some people just can’t open up in some situations. Are they there for you? Was this regular behavior to not respond for a long time? If it’s an aberration and they will respond to you now perhaps you just move on together with the friendship as it was? If it’s now thier normal then perhaps you are drifting apart. It’s awkward when friendship is consistently one sided. You can carry each other from time to time but not always one person all the time.

This 100%. I do not have to share.

My bestie and I can go for months without talking to each other just due to the busyness of life or being in a particularly hard phase of life. We will text or send each other FB messages to say "Hey, I know we love each other and we will get together really soon when the waters calm". My bestie also knows we well enough that when I am in a particularly tough time in life I retreat and I don't want people hanging all over me or trying to help. I need to retreat, focus, strategize and execute to fix or exit the situation.

For us friendship means we can go an extended length of time without talking to each then pick right back up where we left off.


I love this statement and it is so very, very true.  Don't make the situation about you.

on the other hand... if you can set aside your own expectations a little, you may find that it is of great comfort to have friendships that can ebb and flow as life does and be resilient to change. I can think of many times I’ve gone a little while without talking to a friend including about some bad stuff and we just picked back up where we had left off and it felt comforting to know that was okay.

We have not share much about husband’s surgery and have said nothing to any family. I needed to take care of him , not his family. They are all pretty worthless in the help department. My husband didn’t need them seeing me help him put his underwear on. We avoided a lot of phones during that time.

i am dealing with two close friends who feel incredibly hurt and are questioning our friendship right now. when i decided to separate from my husband, i didn't tell any friends. their kids are friends with my kids and we hadn't told them yet. after we told the kids, i told them and they were shocked. and hurt. and angry.

they questioned how i could make a decision like this without confiding in them, that clearly we weren't as close as they thought we were.

i get the shock (okay, not really... writing was on the wall but i will give them that).... i get the hurt.... i don't *at all* get the angry.

as others have alluded to... sometimes you are dealing with things internally and don't have it in you to bring others into it until you are ready.

and no, i don't think 3 months is that long of a time either. i have several very dear friends that i see infrequently but when we get together we just pick up where we left off. and i don't feel they are "obligated" to share anything with me. if they do share, i try to be a supportive and compassionate friend.

i understand you might be hurt... but i hope you can see past it to realize it might not be able you or your relationship and that people's lives are complicated. they may only offer as much of themselves as they are able . (((hugs))) to you.