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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 16:20:03 GMT
Mostly amicable and I will have enough resources to keep the house and to live on.
What resources helped you emotionally? Books, websites, activities...
I have a therapist that I see every other week (all I can swing right now) and my family is close.
However, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't sleep well. I just want it all to be over with, but even after the papers are signed, it will be hard for the kids (7 & 10) emotionally. DH will be living several blocks away so I take comfort in knowing the kids will be in the same basic neighborhood and that will be less of a shock.
Telling people is also sucking A LOT.
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Post by librarylady on Nov 14, 2018 16:27:23 GMT
Telling people: Ask someone to spread the information. Tell ? that you are OK with the news being spread, in fact wish he/she would do it and save you from having to do it. Also, ask the person to include the knowledge that it is not a bitter split and you are OK.
Regarding the other feeling of impending doom--I think that is a reaction to the huge change in your life.
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Post by malibou on Nov 14, 2018 16:28:47 GMT
I will keep you tucked up safely in my thoughts and wish you the resources to help you navigate this new path you are on.
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 16:31:47 GMT
Telling people: Ask someone to spread the information. Tell ? that you are OK with the news being spread, in fact wish he/she would do it and save you from having to do it. Also, ask the person to include the knowledge that it is not a bitter split and you are OK. Regarding the other feeling of impending doom--I think that is a reaction to the huge change in your life. <iframe style="position: absolute; width: 31.079999999999927px; height: 4.680000000000007px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none;left: 15px; top: -5px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_25934680" scrolling="no" width="31.079999999999927" height="4.680000000000007"></iframe> <iframe style="position: absolute; width: 31.08px; height: 4.68px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 1487px; top: -5px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_671596" scrolling="no" width="31.079999999999927" height="4.680000000000007"></iframe> <iframe style="position: absolute; width: 31.08px; height: 4.68px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 15px; top: 173px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_8157072" scrolling="no" width="31.079999999999927" height="4.680000000000007"></iframe> <iframe style="position: absolute; width: 31.08px; height: 4.68px; z-index: -9999; border-style: none; left: 1487px; top: 173px;" id="MoatPxIOPT0_70574326" scrolling="no" width="31.079999999999927" height="4.680000000000007"></iframe> Thanks. i guess I needed permission to do that. I was feeling guilty that I have not called my brother and dad who live out of town, but there hasn't been a good time to call when the kids are not around. I will email them and then we can talk later. My mom helped spread it to her side of the family (she leaks like a sieve - thankfully!).
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 16:32:02 GMT
I will keep you tucked up safely in my thoughts and wish you the resources to help you navigate this new path you are on. Thank you for your kind words!
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Post by peasapie on Nov 14, 2018 16:36:12 GMT
I'm also going through divorce, also mostly amicable. I ended up losing 15 lbs (and not trying) due to that horrible feeling in my stomach. I started taking prilosec now every morning and it's helping. I guess it was acid, but I didn't realize it.
Tell people little by little as you have the strength, starting with closest. Don't bother telling everyone and don't try to explain because I did that and found everyone had an opinion and a suggestion and screw it - who needs it. It ended up being an additional stress.
Keep all options open for the future. You never know what door will open.
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 16:40:35 GMT
I'm also going through divorce, also mostly amicable. I ended up losing 15 lbs (and not trying) due to that horrible feeling in my stomach. I started taking prilosec now every morning and it's helping. I guess it was acid, but I didn't realize it. Tell people little by little as you have the strength, starting with closest. Don't bother telling everyone and don't try to explain because I did that and found everyone had an opinion and a suggestion and screw it - who needs it. It ended up being an additional stress. Keep all options open for the future. You never know what door will open. Thanks. Sorry you are also going through it. Hugs to you!
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 14, 2018 16:40:48 GMT
And remember that divorce isn't thought of like it used to be years ago. It isn't something you'd wish on anyone, but it also isn't seen as a horrible thing either. Divorces happen. They suck and then you eventually pick up your pieces and many people look back and wonder why they waited. OP, good luck to you. Young kids added into the mix must make it much more challenging.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Nov 14, 2018 16:52:47 GMT
I remember during my divorce, thinking of the changes that I looked forward to, and really sinking into those with anticipation. A big one was just not having to consult someone else about so many decisions--from 'what's for supper?' to the need to agree on financial matters. Another big one was just not having the stress of a failing relationship. Dating sites are very entertaining, if you want to get your mind off what's stressing you. Even if you're not ready to date, just seeing the possibilities was fun for me. And amusing, depending on the profile.... Making the house YOURS, without his input/tastes... Just in general, focus on planning and dreaming about the better parts of your life after the divorce.
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Post by brenda89 on Nov 14, 2018 17:01:30 GMT
Sending hugs to you going through it. I am too. It's amicable but we have to live together until our house sells (due to finances). So we may be living together after we are divorced. Weird!! We have a DD who is 15. She is fine with it all. DH has a drinking problem and we probably should have divorced years ago. But it's happening now.
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Post by karinec on Nov 14, 2018 17:22:44 GMT
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one thing I remember is how happy I was not to have to deal with my ex's bullcrap. It was a great feeling every day not to be saddled with the weight of him.
Hang in there, divorce is such a mixed bag of emotions. Have faith in your decision that you did what was right for you and your family. Your kids may surprise you - mine did. They are a lot happier now because their parents are happier.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 14, 2018 17:50:29 GMT
I only have the perspective of my former DDIL, but time is what it takes. She is in a much better place emotionally now, after 2 years.
Giant hugs.
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 17:59:01 GMT
Sending hugs to you going through it. I am too. It's amicable but we have to live together until our house sells (due to finances). So we may be living together after we are divorced. Weird!! We have a DD who is 15. She is fine with it all. DH has a drinking problem and we probably should have divorced years ago. But it's happening now. We will be living here together too for another month. Sorry to hear you are also dealing with substance use issues.
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Post by mrssmith on Nov 14, 2018 18:00:46 GMT
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one thing I remember is how happy I was not to have to deal with my ex's bullcrap. It was a great feeling every day not to be saddled with the weight of him. Hang in there, divorce is such a mixed bag of emotions. Have faith in your decision that you did what was right for you and your family. Your kids may surprise you - mine did. They are a lot happier now because their parents are happier. Well, it wasn't really my decision, but I guess it's for the best. I just didn't think my life would turn out this way.
I am happy I won't have to bear the burden of his work stress (or rather his inability to manage it) and his chronic depression. It does already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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Post by ilikepink on Nov 14, 2018 18:30:54 GMT
BTDT. Twice. The minute by minute is hard, but try and think longer term. You’ll get to make decisions on your life, what you want, without having to consult or compromise. Remember the things about the marriage that brought you here, and look for all the advantages of being free. For me, it was a moment of I can paint the living room any color I want! Turned my thinking around.
Allow the new normal to happen; don’t force it. You’ve got this!
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Nov 14, 2018 18:36:35 GMT
For me, it was a moment of I can paint the living room any color I want! Turned my thinking around. YES! to this. I just didn't think my life would turn out this way. I remember being surprised at how much of my self image was tied up in being 'successfully married'. Stripping that away *DID* mess with my self esteem. Divorce is a failure. And you have to re-think what your life will bring you from here forward. Pre-divorce, you had some certainty that post-divorce doesn't give you. I get it!
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Post by karinec on Nov 14, 2018 18:50:53 GMT
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one thing I remember is how happy I was not to have to deal with my ex's bullcrap. It was a great feeling every day not to be saddled with the weight of him. Hang in there, divorce is such a mixed bag of emotions. Have faith in your decision that you did what was right for you and your family. Your kids may surprise you - mine did. They are a lot happier now because their parents are happier. Well, it wasn't really my decision, but I guess it's for the best. I just didn't think my life would turn out this way.
I am happy I won't have to bear the burden of his work stress (or rather his inability to manage it) and his chronic depression. It does already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I know what you mean, I certainly didn't think my marriage would end in divorce. I definitely went through a period of mourning for my marriage - I was very sad and cried a lot. TBH I still do feel sad every now and then. But then I'll have an interaction with my ex and I feel so happy that I don't have to live with him anymore. In fact, it happened again last night!
Hang in there - hugs!
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Post by lucyg on Nov 15, 2018 6:48:07 GMT
Oh my gosh, I am sorry for each of you who is going through this. Whether it was your choice or not ... I know it’s hard. (Not personal experience, but parents and siblings.)
My advice is just to lower your expectations of yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself and your fluctuating feelings. It’s going to be hard and scary and you’ll feel lost for while. But in the end, you’ll be happier. I don’t know a single divorced person who didn’t end up feeling happier and more peaceful once the dust had settled.
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Post by peasapie on Nov 15, 2018 13:33:38 GMT
Sending hugs to you going through it. I am too. It's amicable but we have to live together until our house sells (due to finances). So we may be living together after we are divorced. Weird!! We have a DD who is 15. She is fine with it all. DH has a drinking problem and we probably should have divorced years ago. But it's happening now. We will be living here together too for another month. Sorry to hear you are also dealing with substance use issues. I've also been living together with my soon-to-be-ex spouse for several months. I am moving out next week.
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Post by Really Red on Nov 15, 2018 13:53:50 GMT
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but one thing I remember is how happy I was not to have to deal with my ex's bullcrap. It was a great feeling every day not to be saddled with the weight of him.Hang in there, divorce is such a mixed bag of emotions. Have faith in your decision that you did what was right for you and your family. Your kids may surprise you - mine did. They are a lot happier now because their parents are happier. Well, it wasn't really my decision, but I guess it's for the best. I just didn't think my life would turn out this way.
I am happy I won't have to bear the burden of his work stress (or rather his inability to manage it) and his chronic depression. It does already feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My divorce, while sort of my decision, was precipitated by cheating (his!). It was SO hard. My kids were right about your kids' ages and it was hard on all of us. You have to find your new normal. I would tell everyone as quickly as possible, then that's out of the way. It is easy to respond (if you want), it's tough on me now and I'd rather not talk about it. Everyone I knew was very respectful of that. Until last Christmas (10 years out), we spent every holiday together. My ex had little to do with the kids after the divorce. He was their whole world until he wasn't. It was extremely hard. My biggest regret was not going to family therapy. I'm a pretty strong person and my kids are as well. But now - at 18, 21 and 21 - I see the effects of his loss on them. I had my son in therapy (which was great), but I think that even though my older two seem so great now, it would have been a good thing to have us all in there together. There are not a lot of resources in my town and even to get my son's therapist took three times (two prior therapists and meeting numerous times with them). Finally, someone I knew told me about her therapist and he wasn't accepting new patients. She begged him to listen to me. He did and he has been my son's therapist for years. He is magnificent. FWIW, my good friends who were going through issues had to drive 3 hours weekly to see a good therapist. There are honestly fewer than you'd imagine, but they are worth their weight in gold when they are good.
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Post by Tearisci on Nov 15, 2018 14:01:45 GMT
I understand what you're going through. We've been separated and living in different states for almost a year but he decides to want a divorce, and serve me with papers, 2 weeks before I go through cancer surgery. There's a special place in hell for him but right now, i'm fighting jurisdictional battles and trying to mentally get ready for a mastectomy. My brain is about to explode.
Hugs- you can get through this!
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 15, 2018 14:46:26 GMT
I'll add a piece of advice I haven't seen mentioned so far. People will ask surprisingly intrusive personal questions. You might want to have an answer ready. My standard answer was, "Oh, I had no idea we were close enough for you to ask me something like that." Find an answer that works for you. And then simply change the subject.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Nov 15, 2018 14:59:48 GMT
I'll add a piece of advice I haven't seen mentioned so far. People will ask surprisingly intrusive personal questions. You might want to have an answer ready. My standard answer was, "Oh, I had no idea we were close enough for you to ask me something like that." Find an answer that works for you. And then simply change the subject. Dang, SS, that's a good one! I'm going to keep that response in my back pocket for when I need it.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Nov 15, 2018 15:06:10 GMT
I'll add a piece of advice I haven't seen mentioned so far. People will ask surprisingly intrusive personal questions. You might want to have an answer ready. My standard answer was, "Oh, I had no idea we were close enough for you to ask me something like that." Find an answer that works for you. And then simply change the subject. i will second this! people have asked me "who wanted the divorce" and "was anyone cheating". surprisingly it wasn't people i know well either... even if there was "dirt", why would i share anything personal with someone i barely know?! i also got some reactions from friends that i was *very* close to that surprised me. i had two very close friends that questioned me, suggested perhaps it was just menopause and couldn't understand how it could have "got to this" if i hadn't confided in them. <- i had, they just weren't listening i guess my advice would be to appreciate those around you who offer you the kindness and compassion you deserve and those who don't... well you aren't really losing anything there anyway. i am still living with my S(not soon enough)TBX and it's been 11 months. with no end in sight. the faster you can move forward the better for everyone involved.
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Post by jenb72 on Nov 15, 2018 15:29:33 GMT
My divorce started out amicable enough but quickly turned very, very bitter, unfortunately. Not on my side, but on his. I developed my very first case of hives. I lost tons of weight (I was trying to, but I think I lost it way faster than I normally would have). And the divorce was MY choice!
I dreaded calling my dad (my mother passed away a long time ago). But he was great about it. He's very matter of fact and straight forward and it was as short conversation, but he let me know he had my back. My stepmother practically did a cheer, pom-poms and all. My brother and aren't super close, so an email sufficed for that, and calling my sister was pretty easy. She understood. I let them spread the news to the rest of the family.
Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It will get better. I haven't had a case of hives since the divorce was final 8 years ago. I gained the weight back (unfortunately), but I'm working on losing it again in a more healthy way this time. My ex is still very bitter, but I'm much better at handling it and shrugging it off after so much practice. My kids (then 7, 9, and 18) are all grown (the baby is 17 now) and doing well, and I'm in a very happy place in my life.
Be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time, tackle one problem at a time, and you'll get through it. Kids are pretty resilient and you may be surprised how quickly they adapt to the new normal. I was actually a little shocked how quickly mine started trying to play one parent against the other to get what they wanted. They were surprised at how it didn't work, lol. Above all else, the things that worked for me were the tried and true - keeping routines as much as possible and keeping them out of any disagreements we had.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Jen
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Post by thundergal on Nov 15, 2018 15:40:28 GMT
I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. It's brutal. I'm just offering hugs since my situation was pretty different from yours. Sending my best to your whole family as you make these huge life adjustments.
Take good care of yourself!!
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Post by malibou on Nov 15, 2018 16:13:55 GMT
Tearisci got you in my warm, safe thoughts while you battle the beast that is cancer. Cancer fucking sucks
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Post by Tearisci on Nov 15, 2018 16:16:38 GMT
Tearisci got you in my warm, safe thoughts while you battle the beast that is cancer. Cancer fucking sucks Thanks! Oddly with all of the divorce stuff going on it's totally taken my mind off of surgery. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is!
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Nov 15, 2018 17:36:36 GMT
You may feel a little freer after your close family members know. Ask your doctor for something to help you sleep - lack of sleep makes everything worse. I definitely asked a couple of people to help spread the information, because I couldn't do it emotionally. The rumor mill really worked for the first part, but just a couple of weeks ago, someone asked about my ex - it didn't reach this person over the course of 6 years!
ETA: I really didn't mind questions, but my normal answer was, "Oh, we'll need a couple of beers for this one."
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Nov 15, 2018 17:55:39 GMT
I was so happy to get divorce, it was a pleasure to announce it.
The damage to my heart and soul, caused from the daily verbal and mental abuse took a long time to heal(actually, 20+ years later and I am still sensitive about certain things, so healing is always a work in progress). I was very broken inside and had no self worth, no self esteem, no self confidence. The support of friends, girl talk and reading many self-help books helped me on the healing journey.
I was young and dumb, and stayed far too long in a toxic situation. I thought being married automatically made me be a mature grown up lady, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Looking back now, pride kept me from leaving sooner, as well as lack of confidence.
Being divorce, getting divorced, etc... is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, for whatever reason, marriage doesn't work out and people move on and go there own separate ways.
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