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Post by donnab on Dec 3, 2018 18:55:26 GMT
More than likely, my husband and I will be separating. We've been married for 23 years. We have two daughters (21 & 19) but I do not see them as being around a ton since they are just getting started on their own independent lives. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home than going out. What does that mean for me? I have never really thought of being alone in my old age since I didn't think that would happen. Now that it will I am feeling terrified. I don't want to start dating again and I don't want life as a single girl like I did 25 years ago. I will miss the companionship of my husband and I'm just scared. Has anyone been in this same situation? I'm nervous about having the money I thought we would have for retirement. We had planned on traveling and doing so much-but now our money will be cut in half and I will be alone. This is hitting me hard.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,298
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Dec 3, 2018 19:09:43 GMT
Lots of (((HUGS))).
Take it slowly. It will be hard, but you can do it. I know it's hard as an introvert, but try to get out. Do you have hobbies? Maybe use those to get out and meet people. Not to date, but just meet people to have coffee with, or lunch etc. Maybe volunteer?
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Post by cindytred on Dec 3, 2018 19:12:37 GMT
I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. Yes, I'm going through the same thing - with a few differences. I'm older (59) and been married 33 years. Also, I won't miss my ex because he made my life miserable, but I will miss the financial security our marriage provided. If you want to talk about it with someone PM me.
Cindy
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Post by gar on Dec 3, 2018 19:14:24 GMT
Ohhh! I can hear your unease so clearly in your words. I don't have any specific words from a 'been there, done that' POV but I'll send you some hugs and would bet that although you'll most likely have rubbish days in the early stages it won't be like you're imagining. Chin up girl!
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Post by MichyM on Dec 3, 2018 19:27:26 GMT
Ex and I split 6 years ago. I was 51. Like you, this was not how I envisioned the later part of my life, even though it was "my" decision. That said, I actually felt extremely lonely IN my marriage. There are times I feel alone now, but not the loneliness I felt in my marriage. There is a difference. I have no interest in dating.
It'll take a while to get your sealegs, and there will limitations along the way, but it'll be worth it in the end.
As for companionship, you'll need to force yourself to put yourself out there. Go out of your way to find like minded friends. Try Meetup. Volunteer at something(s) that you're truly passionate about. Take long walks, clear your head, and figure out how you want the next part of life to play out, and the steps you can take to get there. Good luck!
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Post by lucyg on Dec 3, 2018 19:34:49 GMT
I haven’t been divorced but I was widowed young. Everything changes. You have to take things slowly and learn about your new life. It will be okay in the end.
My experience with other people’s divorces is that no matter the original situation, they were almost always happier a few years after the divorce than they started out. So have hope.
Much good luck to you.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 6:19:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 19:37:12 GMT
More than likely, my husband and I will be separating. We've been married for 23 years. We have two daughters (21 & 19) but I do not see them as being around a ton since they are just getting started on their own independent lives. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home than going out. What does that mean for me? I have never really thought of being alone in my old age since I didn't think that would happen. Now that it will I am feeling terrified. I don't want to start dating again and I don't want life as a single girl like I did 25 years ago. I will miss the companionship of my husband and I'm just scared. Has anyone been in this same situation? I'm nervous about having the money I thought we would have for retirement. We had planned on traveling and doing so much-but now our money will be cut in half and I will be alone. This is hitting me hard. My ex and I divorced at 26 years of marriage. Our kids were about the same age as yours. I won't lie... the first few years were a rough adjustment! Like you, I'm an introvert that prefers being home to being out. But, once the shock of it all was over (ex threatened to make me disappear) I settled into a work life I enjoyed and that was all the companionship I felt I needed. I went back to college and earned a degree in photography. Found a new job that I LOVE and an office suite full of people I can count on as I need them. I'm 14 years into this now...... wouldn't go back to be married for any reason. I have gotten selfish and I like it! I like spending money the way I want or saving.. choosing house decor colors, picking out my own car.. going where I want to go. I don't date but I have made a circle of friends that I go out to dinner with if one of us is feeling lonely. Honestly though, after that first horrible year I don't get too lonely. My parents are still alive and I have a single sister. I visit them when the loneliness sets in. My sister and I talk about supporting each other in our twilight years. My kids are currently in the middle of child raising so I don't lean too much on them but we do talk about my needs as I age. I'll have some retirement income but not a whole lot. I save as much as I can right now without making my life feel hopelessly impoverished. Never expected to be alone at my age. But I am liking it.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 3, 2018 19:40:04 GMT
No advice, just a {{{hug}}} from a Pea friend.
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Post by birukitty on Dec 3, 2018 19:47:38 GMT
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been through a divorce and I know how difficult it can be. I was 33 when my divorce happened and it was my choice-my ex was abusive and I wanted out. I think I was younger than you so I probably can't relate to what you are going through now. I've been married again for the past 23 years and DH is busy with his career or just isn't interested in doing some of the things I do. We are both introverts.
I could stay home but I've learned that because I'm an introvert I like being by myself. So I don't mind doing things on my own. I go to rock concerts on my own (DH doesn't like the music I like) and have a blast. I meet people there who are into the music I am. Recently I took a trip to Poland with my mother and added on two week in Germany by myself (first time I traveled solo in my life). DH had to work. It turned out to be the best trip I ever took. I met some of the most interesting and nice people on that trip. I adore international travel and especially exploring on my own-I used the train system in Germany and made up my own itinerary deciding where I'd go and stayed where I wanted to as long as I wanted to. No tour for me-no way! It was incredible! If I wanted to explore that cathedral for 2 hours I did.
Being alone can truly be an advantage. You decide when to go, where to go, when to eat and so on. Think of your future like this: You will be in control. You won't have to ask someone else what they want to do. It'll all be your choice all of the time! If you do find yourself being lonely pets make terrific companions. I prefer cats myself. They are just as loving but less work than dogs, but some people are dog people.
As far as meeting people you've had wonderful suggestions up thread. What do you like to do in your spare time? Find a group on Meetup that gets together to do what you like to do be it knitting, reading, scrapbooking, whatever is your passion. Or it's a great time to explore a new hobby. Something you've always wanted to do but never got around to.
I'm sending you big HUGS and know that many of us have been in your shoes. You'll get through this, you will. It hurts a lot now, I know. But there will be happiness in the future. Take care and know that we are always here for you.
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Post by Linda on Dec 3, 2018 19:59:47 GMT
I'm sorry. I haven't been there myself but my mum was widowed after 20 years of marriage when I was 19 and my sister was 15. The first couple of years were tough but then she seemed to hit her stride - she found some groups to join - a hiking/photography group was one - and some places to volunteer (the library and historical society) and reconnected with some old friends (she had grown up in that area but left shortly after high school and didn't return until about 10 years after her marriage). Next year will be 30 years since Dad's been gone and I think it's only recently that she starting to get lonely again -mostly because her closer friends are dying off.
I'm not sure if you work or are a homemaker - if the latter, check with your local community college and see if they have a displaced homemakers program - it'll help get you up to speed on resumes and job and interview skills etc...and it's designed for homemakers who need to re-enter the workforce.
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Post by arrow on Dec 3, 2018 20:02:33 GMT
I’m in a similar situation. I live in a small town and groups to socialise in are very limited. I share a house with my daughter but as soon as she finishes her studies she will be moving on. I’m toying with the idea of getting someone in to share for both financial and companionship reasons.
I’ve tried Meetup groups but i have to travel a fair distance to get to them and I live on a very tight budget so that hasn’t worked for me.
I attended a short divorce course through my church and met a new friend there. She’s an introvert too. Both of us understand our need for alone time and the pain and grief we are going through. Something like that may be worth looking at.
I’ve also started getting out and walking (alone or with the dog) at least twice a week. Exercise helps the brain not necessarily the companionship issue but you do get to nod and say hello to other human beings 😁
The church I attend has a social gathering after the service and I usually make myself stay and socialise. It’s very hard for me to do but something I recognise I must do to prevent myself from being a total hermit!
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Post by annabella on Dec 3, 2018 20:13:22 GMT
I'm sorry to hear about your impending separation. Maybe now is the time to start enriching your friendships with women. Invite people over for dinner, TV night, game night, craft night.
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lesserknownpea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,791
Member is Online
Jun 29, 2014 7:56:02 GMT
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 3, 2018 21:38:50 GMT
I’m sorry. I identify with your words about this stage of your life not being what you though it would be. I, too, planned for a companionable empty nest time with X, traveling in our camper and such. Instead I have no home, no income, and limited options.
Give yourself lots of time to grieve these losses. While there will be upsides to your new situation, you have a genuine right and need to mourn the loss of your dreams and expectations.
Mine wasn’t a good situation or marriage, and yet, 6 years in, I am still finding myself missing parts of my old life, and certainly unhappy that I was cheated out of my expectations of having a home where I could welcome all my kids and grandchildren. So, I imagine it will take awhile for you to move through this, and it probably will continue to hurt from time to time, even when you have established your fulfilling new life.
And you will! You can come to relish the fact that your time is your own, and you can make plans or not, fix whatever you want for dinner, travel at the drop of a hat, make your home all about you.
And the friendships you make with adult children can be deeply satisfying. I have one DD I travel with who is a wonderful companion, we have a marvelous time.
So I am sending hugs, and encouragement that if you keep an open mind, and grieve for your losses here, your new life can be enjoyable and satisfying.
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dald222
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,602
Jun 27, 2014 0:50:15 GMT
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Post by dald222 on Dec 3, 2018 21:44:05 GMT
I am sorry that you are going through this
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 3, 2018 21:56:52 GMT
Sending you LOTS of (( hugs !!!))) Same to ALL of you who’ve been through it! Too many people I love have been through divorce also, and it saddens me greatly. I’m glad you posted so that you can get a lot of support here ! I know this is scary, hard, overwhelming, etc. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but after my sister and 2 very close friends got over the initial horrible-ness of their divorces, they started doing SO well, and honestly, they’re thriving, HAPPIER, relieved, etc! One of them thought she would NEVER get over it, but she eventually DID! Yes, it was SO HARD for them for a while, and those of us who love them HATED seeing the pain they were in, but it is AMAZING how great they’re doing now! I hope you’ll try some of the suggestions here about making new friends, and please keep posting for here for support, and I’m gonna send up prayers for you, cindytred, & anyone else going through this! (( hugs ))
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,992
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Dec 3, 2018 21:57:42 GMT
No advice, but sending lots of hugs.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,992
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Dec 3, 2018 22:00:42 GMT
I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. Yes, I'm going through the same thing - with a few differences. I'm older (59) and been married 33 years. Also, I won't miss my ex because he made my life miserable, but I will miss the financial security our marriage provided. If you want to talk about it with someone PM me. Cindy You are how old? If your profile picture is recent, then ....WOW! You look awesome! I’m 56, and let’s just say my current photo would not be so flattering LOL.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,528
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Dec 3, 2018 22:11:57 GMT
Hugs to you. We're here for cyber-companionship and support.
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Post by papersilly on Dec 3, 2018 22:13:27 GMT
sorry you are going through this. i hope you find strength, sense of security, and happiness when all is said and done.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 3, 2018 22:17:47 GMT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. *hugs*
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Post by Clair on Dec 3, 2018 22:30:13 GMT
More than likely, my husband and I will be separating. We've been married for 23 years. We have two daughters (21 & 19) but I do not see them as being around a ton since they are just getting started on their own independent lives. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home than going out. What does that mean for me? I have never really thought of being alone in my old age since I didn't think that would happen. Now that it will I am feeling terrified. I don't want to start dating again and I don't want life as a single girl like I did 25 years ago. I will miss the companionship of my husband and I'm just scared. Has anyone been in this same situation? I'm nervous about having the money I thought we would have for retirement. We had planned on traveling and doing so much-but now our money will be cut in half and I will be alone. This is hitting me hard. Hugs. I’m just starting down the same path. I’ve been married a few years longer. Its hard dealing with all the uncertainties - almost everything I thought about my life and how it would be is gone. I just keep telling myself - I’ll get through this. I will - there is no other option.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 3, 2018 22:35:30 GMT
{{{hugs}}} I think it is good that you can identify your fear of being alone or lonely. Being lonely is an easier problem to fix as there are so many volunteer opportunities, many ideal for introverts. Most organizations need more doers than leaders, so I'd start by looking at local hospital, senior center, schools, library, SPCA, garden center or service organizations to see what opportunities appeal to you. Depending where you live, Volunteer Match, is a place to start and you can test a few different opportunities to see how you like an organization or are just interested in helping for a one-off event.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 3, 2018 22:39:30 GMT
I recently got my divorce at age 61 after 37 years of marriage. I haven't had time to be lonely yet, however, since I became a host mom to two international high school students the day after he moved out of the house. I decided to host the girls as a way to supplement my salary so that I could afford to keep the house. It keeps me busy, unalone, and provides a nice side income. In fact, I make more money as a host parent than I do at my full time job! lol.... I often sit and think about the future and what it holds for me. I have absolutely no interest in dating or getting into another relationship at this stage of the game...but who knows? I do have a close circle of friends and neighbors and a close relationship with my daughter, so I know I will be ok. I'm sure starting a new life will be scary, but you will find strength you never knew you had. Allow yourself to be open to new opportunities. Take some risks and get ready for some new, unexpected adventures.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 3, 2018 22:49:35 GMT
Hugs
You can do this. Your stronger then you think.
I’m recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. It was hard but I actually think I’m a better person without the pressure that relationship put on me. Im still getting used to it.
I have a core of a few close friends and then I go to card classes it’s been relaxing.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 3, 2018 23:16:06 GMT
{{{big hugs}}}
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 3, 2018 23:32:03 GMT
Hugs to you.
You can do it. Many of us here have been through it. I am also an introvert, and although there are times I lonely, it’s still a better life for me. I do have a BF (and we live together), but we have an appreciation for our separate events, and lives. But we also really enjoy being at home too.
I have still made a conscious effort to try and be ME. I don’t apologize or make excuses for it wanting to do things with BF if I don’t want to (seeing local bands, going to his friends, etc). We led very different lives up to this point, we aren’t changing each other.
I find that when I’m lonely, I get out of the house. Even if it’s just running errands, it gets me around others. I started my single life by volunteering, and friends were willing to talk & lunch. I go to the library or book store. I will even go out to eat by myself.
Now is when you find you. And make no excuses for you. None.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 6:19:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2018 23:56:10 GMT
Your story sounds so eerily similar to mine, 10 years ago. My ex and I were together/married for 28 years when we physically split up. We began our Separation Agreement a few years before that. My kids were 18 and 20 when I moved out (big mistake, but I was tired of being gaslit by him). My kids wanted to remain in their childhood home that was MINE. Their father stopped paying the mortgage, unbeknownst to me, and I lost the house (saved my name by doing a shortsale vs. foreclosure)...
I was focused on doing what was best for me and my ex preferred to keep me in a box (the kids too). So when I finally left, I felt so very free. HOWEVER, since I didn't have the kids with me, I felt a deep sadness and longing for every bit of the family life and my house......... DD20 did come to spend some weekends with me (I moved in with a friend who turned into being a 'boyfriend' and then we married when my divorce was final).
Like you, I expected an entirely lonely, different life, but I wound up falling in love with my (now) husband and it's been a blessing. I was convinced that I'd never date again, and I'd focus on my kids and my life as a single parent, but then things changed in an instant. We moved from NJ to FL (which I regretted immediately since my kids were in NY, as well as my entire family). No one came to FL (they all don't care for it here). But when my house was sold in the shortsale, my ex had to decide on where to live with the kids. He chose an apartment and kicked out DD because she had cats (he didn't want them "messing" an apartment). So, she came down to FL to live with us. I was glad to get her back.
About 8 months later, DS asked if he could move in with us too, and he did. THAT was entirely a blessing!! He had been addicted to heroin and drugs (I had no clue--I thought he was just smoking pot) and began his own cessation and finished it down here. He and DH bonded and became best friends. He looks up to DH. DH guided him and was frank and stern when he had to be, so DS respected him and valued his opinion. DS did a program down here and he's been clean for 5 years now. His life turned around.
So, initially, like you, I envisioned that i'd be sad and lonely and I had no clue as to what life was going to hold for me. It turned out to be something that literally saved my son, and my daughter was able to remain with her cats here........ We're working on moving back up to NY. DS already got a great job and moved up there this summer.
I wish you the very best of luck. I'd suggest someone to speak with, if you're able. I had a good therapist for a while during the transition, and believe me, I was very sad about missing so much in my life, but I began a new chapter and a new life, and it was healthier for me and for my kids. I hope the same holds true for you!!
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pudgygroundhog
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Posts: 4,643
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Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Dec 4, 2018 0:56:12 GMT
I'm sorry. I'm sure after 23 years it will be a big adjustment, but I hope after time you find a new normal and happiness again. I agree with the others that you might have to put yourself out there again, but I suspect it will be easier than you think. Find things you already enjoy doing or low pressure situations and you will start building connections. I think about the different ways I've met people and a lot of them have come about organically from going to gym classes, volunteering at a cat shelter, a hiking meet up, book club, etc. I wouldn't worry about dating until you feel like you are ready for that (or you might decide you are fine without it!). As for traveling - you can always join a travel group or even travel alone. Do you have any pets? Do you like cats/dogs? It's obviously not a replacement for constant human companionship, but maybe it would make you feel better to have a pet. How do you feel about managing your money/budgets? I can understand how it would be scary to cut your money in half, but you might find you will be okay once you run the numbers. If you are worried, you could also look for part time or low key employment for a little more cash/security. You have a lot of peas pulling for you - lean on the community - that's what we're hear for! ((hugs))
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Dec 4, 2018 0:59:35 GMT
So sorry to hear you are going through this. Sending hugs your way.
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Post by Jen in NCal on Dec 4, 2018 1:30:11 GMT
More than likely, my husband and I will be separating. We've been married for 23 years. We have two daughters (21 & 19) but I do not see them as being around a ton since they are just getting started on their own independent lives. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home than going out. What does that mean for me? I have never really thought of being alone in my old age since I didn't think that would happen. Now that it will I am feeling terrified. I don't want to start dating again and I don't want life as a single girl like I did 25 years ago. I will miss the companionship of my husband and I'm just scared. Has anyone been in this same situation? I'm nervous about having the money I thought we would have for retirement. We had planned on traveling and doing so much-but now our money will be cut in half and I will be alone. This is hitting me hard. My husband and I separated in August after 22 years together. I am a huge introvert. Huge. Like all the way to the far end on the Myers-Briggs introvert. For right now, I am relishing the quiet and solitude of my apartment. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I am alone now but never feel lonely, I was feeling lonely in rooms full of people and in my home with him there. Like you, I do worry that my introvertness will cause me to become too much of a homebody. I'm perfectly fine with that, but my friends aren't. They'll drag me out when I stay inside too long. Give yourself some time to grieve the end of one chapter. Don't rush right into another. When you are ready, you will make for the door and get yourself out there. Have lunch with friends. Take long walks. Take up a new hobby that gets you outside. And you always have the Peas!
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