lurkyloo
Full Member
Posts: 284
Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Dec 5, 2018 16:34:02 GMT
I’m new to registering, but not new to the board, so I know the peas love a good divorce question and are always very helpful.
I’m getting divorced, he moved out a few weeks ago. My 25th anniversary is next week. 2 kids in college, and a 12 year old. Obviously, there are lots of sad days, lots of exuberant days, lots of fear and apprehension on how I’m going to support myself after being a SAHM for so long (not always my choice) and not just slip into poverty.
But here’s my question today and some background: we have a king size bed. I don’t love it. It’s so heavy I can’t even scoot it. I haven’t slept in this thing for almost 3 years. The mattress needs replaced no matter what. I’m already going to have to rent a small dumpster to dispose of things that were just left here for me to deal with. I don’t love this house, either; I would have also liked to move to a fresh newly built apartment and start my life over, not have to think about the roof that needs replacing, refuse to use the marital silverware and buy all new JUST BECAUSE, and just not HAVE ROOM for taking the king size bed, but alas, we have enough equity that this big house is the least expensive option. It’s the only option for me. The house, all the crap in it, wanted or not. Do I?:
A. Just start sleeping in it the way it is (I threw all the bedding into the corner of the garage waiting for the dumpster and am replacing) and get a new mattress? The new mattress people would take the old one away. Then I would lie there every night alone in my giant Bed of Failed Marriage?
B. Get rid of this bed (how? Craigslist a stranger to come upstairs and disassemble it and take it and then murder me? Or hatchet and dumpster?) then get a new king size bed of a style I like and a new mattress, because spreading out is nice after sleeping in a twin for 3 years? Then I could luxuriate in my new giant Bed of Possibilities?
C. Get a new queen size bed because I kind of hate making king size beds and also a king bed and mattress will cost a lot more? I’d have room in there for a cute tufted velvet chair. But then I’d lie there every night in my Practical Small Bed of Lonely Middle Age?
I’m going be be limited financially, but this seems important in a mental health sort of way.
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naby64
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Post by naby64 on Dec 5, 2018 16:40:03 GMT
If it needs replacing anyway, I would get a more suitable bed for myself. A queen if that is the size that would suit the space better. My DD got a memory foam type, think Leesa, Casper, Dromma, on Amazon for a great price. Shipped it right to her in a box.
I have a King size now and don't know if I could ever size down. Spouse or not. I have 3 dogs at present and will always have dogs. At least 2 of them think they belong on the bed with me if DH is not there.
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Post by peace on Dec 5, 2018 16:40:45 GMT
It gets better. That I can tell you.
I opted for the new queen bed. I shoved the king into the guest room and he asked if he could have it so off it went. I still have my queen bed 4 years later.
I, too, had to go back to work fulltime after being a stay at home for many years. You can navigate this. Take it in small steps and and don't over think.
BTW- I had to sell many things after the divorce- including the house- but I did have many craigslist people come to my house and I met the most incredible and interesting folks. No one tried to murder me- at least not that I noticed.
It wasn't an easy transition, but I am so thankful. So very thankful.
Best of luck!!
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Post by jennyap on Dec 5, 2018 16:41:56 GMT
I like your sense of humour about the whole thing!
Personally I'd go for c - the space for the chair would swing it for me, and honestly, after 3 years in a twin, even a queen will give you plenty of room to spread out!
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 5, 2018 16:46:57 GMT
I'm in a similar situation. Divorcing after 15 years of marriage, have a 7yo and a 10yo.
I also don't want to live in a house of memories. I am happy getting rid of as much as possible.
About beds: we have a queen. I am keeping the mattress (Casper) and letting him take the bed. Mostly for financial reasons. Keeping the rest of the furniture and after I figure out my budget, selling that off and getting something that is all mine. Agree that it is important for your mental health. I am also seeing a lot of year end/holiday sales right now, so that's good timing.
I say get a new Queen Bed of Possibilities! Have the mattress people take the old one away. Order a new bedframe that is to your liking. My mattress will be on the floor for a while until I find something.
Maybe ask around among your friends to see if anyone wants/needs a king bed frame? Or sell it on a FB garage sale and ask someone to be there with you and/or help dissemble it? I live in a town with a university and students are usually willing to do short term jobs like hauling stuff. HS students might be willing as well.
Best of luck to you!
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Dec 5, 2018 17:08:39 GMT
When I divorced I also planned to sell the house. My ex (always the greedy type) left me with the furniture. All of which was aging. I set aside the things I was adamant about keeping in my son's (5) room, and encouraged him to take whatever else he wanted. Interestingly, he stripped the kitchen. Stuff he never once used! To this day it's a joke with my kids "Hey, get out the wok!" "Ummm Mom, Dad has the wok!" OH that's right  I'll never buy a wok because I love the joke so much. He also took dollar store measuring cups hahahaha everrrrrrrrrry thing. I did enjoy intentionally buying new, nicer kitchen things (he was thrifty to the point of cheap.) The place I was moving to was a small second floor apartment, so I just put an ad on craigslist, and a girl starting out in her own place for the first time came with her dad and picked up all the stuff I no longer wanted- decorations, souvenirs, California king waterbed frame and mattress, microwave cart, huge Queen Anne cherry dining room table and chairs, office furniture, tv stand, dressers that had needed repair for years- so glad to be rid of them! She took it all! YAY! I kept a couch and loveseat (that he never liked), my sons bedroom, scrapbooks and pictures, my personal stuff, and that was all. It was so nice starting over! I know you said you can't move, but definitely, get rid of it. I ended up buying a queen, and had my mattress/box spring on the floor for a couple years til I could afford to buy the bedroom set I wanted. I worked my way through refurnishing my house, for me. It was 10 years last June. Other than photos and scrapbooks, and some Christmas things, I don't think my ex has laid eyes on anything in my house. The couch and love seat were replaced about 4 years ago, as was my son's bedroom. Now it's time to replace MY bed again And.. for what it's worth--- it hasn't been a Practical Small Bed of Lonely Middle Age |
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,658
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Dec 5, 2018 17:10:26 GMT
Get yourself a new bed. You deserve one.
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Post by KelleeM on Dec 5, 2018 17:14:16 GMT
Your sense of humor will serve you well as you go through this. I vote for a new bed. Getting a divorce in 1998 was a tough time for me but I’m happier now than I ever thought possible.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 5, 2018 17:26:28 GMT
Go for a queen mattress and buy yourself some luxurious sheets. Are you a girly-girl? Buy lace trim or pink or something you just love.
Do not look at it as your bed of loneliness. Look at it as your bed of freedom. It should be your sanctuary. It is ALL yours. Eat Oreos in it. Snore all you want. Hog the covers!
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Post by papersilly on Dec 5, 2018 17:34:13 GMT
get a new bed. one that you want and can be comfortable in. sleep in the middle if you want. let the bed warm you and comfort you while you sleep instead of making you feel lonely in it. your days will get better. changing the bed may not seem like a significant task compared to what's ahead but it is a start.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 5, 2018 17:37:45 GMT
Do what you need to do to get rid of the bed. Get a new queen-size bed. You’ll be happier and you’ll have more space in your room.
First see if the ex wants the bed (if you’re speaking to him, I didn’t read carefully enough, I guess). Or one of your kids or their friends or another family member/neighbor/friend. Make them come take it apart and out of the house.
If that fails, hire a couple of kids to take the bed apart and move it into the garage. Then you can put it on Freecycle or Craigslist or a local Facebook group, whatever, and someone can get it right out of your garage.
I can also call my trash disposal company for a special pickup for oversized things like mattresses that they don’t normally pick up. But I bet someone would like it.
Good luck, and sorry about the divorce.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 5, 2024 15:31:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 17:54:23 GMT
I swear when if I am ever alone , I am going to get a twin bed of it’s all mine.
I just moved and set up my daughter’s bed from our old house. I am thinking that a couple nights a week I may use it. Nobody trying to use me as a knee pad, breathing on me and waking me up with loud rude farts.
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Post by leftturnonly on Dec 5, 2018 18:04:41 GMT
I'd tell him he has until (set a time and date a week or two ahead) to come get the blasted bed out of your room while he still could because it was leaving with him or without him.
Sell it if you can. Put it out on the side of the road if you can't (providing that is possible where you live) and someone who needs it may pick it up. If none of those options work out, begin with a church you may belong to or local ones if you don't have one and ask them what they suggest. Sooner or later, someone will offer to come get it and take it away for you even if you have to pay them.
Buy a new bed that YOU want. Change the size. Change where it is placed in the room. Even change bedrooms if that makes sense in your home.
You gave up on that bed 3 years ago. It's time for it to be out of your daily presence.
You can do it.
{{{hugs}}} for the end of your marriage.
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scorpeao
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Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Dec 5, 2018 18:05:05 GMT
I have a queen memory foam mattress I got off Amazon for $250. I've had it a year and I still love it. You don't need a box spring with it, so go to Ikea (if you have one near) and get a platform bed for cheap. If you don't have an Ikea nearby Wayfair has some inexpensive ones too. For ~$500 you can get a whole new bed. As for being alone in middle age. I divorced at 32. I'm now 46 and I love being alone. I can sleep diagonal if I want!
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Post by belgravia on Dec 5, 2018 18:06:25 GMT
I say (b) New king bed of possibilities. Because... all possibilities are open to you. And that’s kind of great.
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joelise
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Posts: 5,649
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Post by joelise on Dec 5, 2018 18:07:57 GMT
13 years ago my now ex and I bought a king size bed. 1 year later we separated! I threw the bedding out, kept the bed and enjoyed all that extra space! Now 12 years later, I am getting married again next year, and am grateful for that lovely big bed as my fiancé is a snorer and our dog likes to join us in bed sometimes! I know how you feel, it’s tough going through a divorce but it does get easier. Hope you make the right decision for you and welcome to the board. On a side note, this thread made me think that maybe I should be getting round to buying a new mattress!  |
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Post by leftturnonly on Dec 5, 2018 18:08:52 GMT
Do what you need to do to get rid of the bed. Get a new queen-size bed. You’ll be happier and you’ll have more space in your room. First see if the ex wants the bed (if you’re speaking to him, I didn’t read carefully enough, I guess). Or one of your kids or their friends or another family member/neighbor/friend. Make them come take it apart and out of the house. If that fails, hire a couple of kids to take the bed apart and move it into the garage. Then you can put it on Freecycle or Craigslist or a local Facebook group, whatever, and someone can get it right out of your garage. I can also call my trash disposal company for a special pickup for oversized things like mattresses that they don’t normally pick up. But I bet someone would like it. Good luck, and sorry about the divorce. What she said.  I especially like the idea of asking your kids if they want it and to ask them to help disassemble it and move it out. There is no too soon to get it out of your room on its way to its final destination. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 5, 2018 18:08:52 GMT
Go mattress shopping and pick out the perfect size and comfort level for you. Some stores will haul the old King away for free. You can make your old home your new home! Now you get to decorate any way you like. It's all yours and yours alone. Make it so.
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freebird
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'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Dec 5, 2018 18:10:53 GMT
I would give away the bed to someone that really needs one. Make a happy memory out of a bad one. They come and get it though.
Then when the room was empty I would completely redecorate it any way *I* wanted it to look. Right down to pink lace if I wanted it! Then buy yourself a new bed in the size you want and make a big deal out of getting some new pretty bedding.
Enjoy your shopping.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Dec 5, 2018 18:18:55 GMT
13 years ago my now ex and I bought a king size bed. 1 year later we separated! I threw the bedding out, kept the bed and enjoyed all that extra space! Now 12 years later, I am getting married again next year, and am grateful for that lovely big bed as my fiancé is a snorer and our dog likes to join us in bed sometimes! I know how you feel, it’s tough going through a divorce but it does get easier. Hope you make the right decision for you and welcome to the board. On a side note, this thread made me think that maybe I should be getting round to buying a new mattress! ME TOO!!~ |
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Post by jenjie on Dec 5, 2018 18:35:17 GMT
I hate my king size bed. It takes up too much space, is a pain to change the sheets, and it’s too big for me. 3/4 of it is covered in stuff.
I’m going to downsize to a double. Bought the bedding. Just waiting for redoing the bedroom to make it to the top of the list. It WILL happen sometime in 2019.
Best wishes to you.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Dec 5, 2018 19:05:38 GMT
You seem to be leaning towards option C, so go with that one! I went up to a king (a whole new bedroom set) after my ex moved out, and I love the space and height of the bed. I went with what made me happy, and you should, too.
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kibblesandbits
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At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Post by kibblesandbits on Dec 5, 2018 19:09:30 GMT
If it were me, I'd get the smaller bed and make my "master" bedroom something I wanted to spend time in. Buy the chair and a lamp for reading. A cozy rug. Bedding that makes me smile and makes me warm. I'd buy an oil diffuser and make a practice of using it.
I'd make that bitch (bedroom) MINE. It would be the cozy warm bed of the birth of future plans and dreams.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 5, 2018 19:34:42 GMT
If your divorce is not complete then make sure the bed is yours to deal with. Just because he left doesn’t mean he isn’t going to ask for you to pay him his half the value of the bed.
Providing it is yours to get rid of then get rid of it and start fresh if that’s what you want. If you can’t budge it you can always give it away free on FB or somewhere. If your not going to be keeping the king bed then try not to invest in king sheets.
Hugs
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Deleted
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Jun 5, 2024 15:31:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2018 20:03:36 GMT
If your divorce is not complete then make sure the bed is yours to deal with. Just because he left doesn’t mean he isn’t going to ask for you to pay him his half the value of the bed. Providing it is yours to get rid of then get rid of it and start fresh if that’s what you want. If you can’t budge it you can always give it away free on FB or somewhere. If your not going to be keeping the king bed then try not to invest in king sheets. Hugs I can attest that him asking for half the value of furniture is true. My husband’s ex counted cans of oil as assets to be divided. She total the value and subtracted that against his half of their joint savings. |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 5, 2018 20:11:49 GMT
A. Get a “I’m-Starting-A-Fabulous-New-Life-Get-to-Sleep-in-a-New-Awesome-bed-all-by-myself-and-be-a-cover-hog-sleep-diagonal” bed.
The delivery people will take the old one away.
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Post by karinec on Dec 5, 2018 20:25:19 GMT
My post-divorce bed was a queen, after sleeping in a king during my 17 married years. Practical Small Bed of Lonely Middle Age? My practical small bed of middle age is definitely not lonely...my boyfriend and I fit in it just fine thankyouverymuch. |
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J u l e e
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Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 5, 2018 20:28:28 GMT
I feel like I need to come up with a name for my bed!
I am sorry you are facing this. Let this be a happy choice. Don't overthink it.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Dec 5, 2018 22:46:37 GMT
Honestly, if I was worried about money, the last thing I would be doing is purchasing a new bed/mattress. That is a very expensive endeavor.
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anniebeth24
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Post by anniebeth24 on Dec 6, 2018 0:29:07 GMT
I love having a comfy reading chair in my bedroom, so I'd vote for the queen-size to allow for room for a new chair someday.
I'd bet if you shopped for a new mattress at a smaller, family-owned type business, they could arrange for their furniture delivery people to take apart your old bed and possibly dispose of the old mattress. Worth asking!
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I'll never buy a wok because I love the joke so much. He also took dollar store measuring cups hahahaha everrrrrrrrrry thing. I did enjoy intentionally buying new, nicer kitchen things (he was thrifty to the point of cheap.)
