styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 16, 2018 15:24:33 GMT
UPDATED BELOW OP
ORIGINAL POST: Back story: MY SIL and I do a cookie / candy-making day each year. Her DDs are grown but used to help with age-related jobs when they were younger.
Now, adults, DD1 one works in the food industry. The other, DD2, has not done well for herself. She lives in squalor and SIL is always telling me crazy stories about the state of their home (roaches, bed bugs, animal waste, etc.) I see the DD2 a couple times a year and see her posts on facebook. She's a mess. Her and her husband don't have good hygiene practices and both smell and are just yucky to be around. (SIL has tried and tried to help them clean up and live better, but they won't). They also really don't go anywhere without each other. So, they are a package deal.
So, can you see where I'm going with this? DD1 is in town and coming over to help. Last night, SIL texted to see if she could invite DD2.
My instant reaction to myself was "Oh, hell no!" Then, I felt like a judgmental jerk for not wanting to include her.
We give this candy out to relatives and friends and my DH said if DD2 comes, I'm not eating anything. Part of the reason I do this is for him! I make all of his favorite treats.
So, I just didn't respond to the text. She texted me a different question later that I answered very late last night and told her sorry for the late response, my phone was on "silent".
I still didn't address the first question of DD2 coming over and she didn't ask again.
UGH … Either way, I can't win this one. I get to feel bad in each scenario.
Edited to add: We are making the candy/cookies at my house.
*******UPDATE*******
So, SIL arrives today without her DD2. DD1 arrived and was great as usual. Everything was fine, happy and fun. SIL didn't say a word about it. Perhaps she was clearing her conscience by asking me if DD could come. KWIM? The day was great and we made lots of goodies! Everyone washed their hands, pulled back their hair and it was a nice, clean environment!
Funny thing is, at one point SIL did bring up her DD2 to complain about the DD wanting to get pregnant and raising a child in that environment. Mentioned that DD2 couldn't even take care of herself let alone a baby!
So, it all worked out OK, for today. LOL! Thanks Peas! 
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Post by farmdpea on Dec 16, 2018 15:28:36 GMT
It's easy for me to say, because I'm not in the situation, BUT....
Your SIL is the one who has filled you in on the details of her DD's nastiness (sorry, I know that's blunt!), so she should be the one to have the difficult conversation with her DD. I can't believe she would even ask you to include her, TBH.
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Post by malibou on Dec 16, 2018 15:31:03 GMT
Tough call. You shouldn't be put in this position in the first place. Sil knows her DD2 is a hot mess and that and cooking don't go together.
Ugh, sorry you are dealing with this conundrum.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,749
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Dec 16, 2018 15:37:02 GMT
Even though it would be really hard (and sounds like too late now) you could say, sorry SIL, after the things you have shared with me about dd2 I am uncomfortable with her here/helping with the treat making since I’m giving these items as gifts.
I mean SHE told you how bad it was- is she going to backpedal? All those ingredients are expensive and the time... no. Yuck. She really put you in a crappy position.
If that doesn’t work or it’s too late, I’d just beg off and claim sickness and not go.
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Post by Really Red on Dec 16, 2018 15:41:35 GMT
Maybe you can say that that is your special day with SIL and that you'd love to see your niece for something different. Take her out to lunch or something?
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Post by annie on Dec 16, 2018 15:42:34 GMT
Well, is there anyway she might just be there, but not really participate? From what you've said, she may be the lazy type and baking is actual work. Maybe you'll luck out and she won't actually join in??? Uggghhhhh I feel for you.
ETA: I am thinking that because you didn't reply to her original text asking, she got your point and hesitancy about it and maybe will not invite her after all?
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662 
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 16, 2018 15:47:59 GMT
If she comes you should make everyone wear gloves, hairnets, and aprons. "Food safety!"
Even if you're honest with the mother and insist that she tell her DD she must be clean, how do you trust her idea of clean?
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 16, 2018 15:51:50 GMT
Can you pose a question back? Put the ball back in SIL's court?
"Do you think she'll want to be helping with the baking? From what you've shared with me, would you be comfortable with that?"
Have her answer the question of niece being included instead of you.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 16, 2018 16:01:22 GMT
Even though it would be really hard (and sounds like too late now) you could say, sorry SIL, after the things you have shared with me about dd2 I am uncomfortable with her here/helping with the treat making since I’m giving these items as gifts. I mean SHE told you how bad it was- is she going to backpedal? All those ingredients are expensive and the time... no. Yuck. She really put you in a crappy position. If that doesn’t work or it’s too late, I’d just beg off and claim sickness and not go.
The event is at my house! UGH!
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 16, 2018 16:02:17 GMT
Well, is there anyway she might just be there, but not really participate? From what you've said, she may be the lazy type and baking is actual work. Maybe you'll luck out and she won't actually join in??? Uggghhhhh I feel for you. ETA: I am thinking that because you didn't reply to her original text asking, she got your point and hesitancy about it and maybe will not invite her after all?
This is my hope.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 16, 2018 16:03:21 GMT
If she comes you should make everyone wear gloves, hairnets, and aprons. "Food safety!"Even if you're honest with the mother and insist that she tell her DD she must be clean, how do you trust her idea of clean?
YES! Hopefully she won't be here.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,873
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Dec 16, 2018 16:04:46 GMT
Can you pose a question back? Put the ball back in SIL's court? "Do you think she'll want to be helping with the baking? From what you've shared with me, would you be comfortable with that?" Have her answer the question of niece being included instead of you.
This is an awesome idea! I wish I would have posted last night so I could do this! Seems late for me to say it now!
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Post by elaine on Dec 16, 2018 16:08:01 GMT
If she is cooking in your kitchen, with your tools, etc., the food should be fine, especially if you make everyone wash hands before starting. “Hey, everyone, with the flu season having started, I want everyone to wash their hands before we get started.” Then you, SIL and her daughters all wash their hands at the sink - have some nice anti-bacterial soap on hand.
That said, if you don’t want her there, hopefully her mom got the hint and won’t ask her to be there.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,610
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 16, 2018 16:11:45 GMT
If she is cooking in your kitchen, with your tools, etc., the food should be fine, especially if you make everyone wash hands before starting. “Hey, everyone, with the flu season having started, I want everyone to wash their hands before we get started.” Then you, SIL and her daughters all wash their hands at the sink - have some nice anti-bacterial soap on hand. That said, if you don’t want her there, hopefully her mom got the hint and won’t ask her to be there. I actually really like this answer. It's not like she's bringing her own food, supplies etc.... |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
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Post by purplebee on Dec 16, 2018 16:14:56 GMT
No, you are NOT a holiday jerk, you are just using common sense when it comes to food handling safety.
Could your treat making session be a catalyst for a family intervention to address the problem? I feel bad for you, I know you are trying hard to avoid hurt feelings, but I wonder if a direct confrontation as to why she cannot be included might be better than trying to tiptoe around the situation.
Good luck, it can't be easy....
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Dec 16, 2018 16:15:26 GMT
If she comes you should make everyone wear gloves, hairnets, and aprons. "Food safety!" Even if you're honest with the mother and insist that she tell her DD she must be clean, how do you trust her idea of clean? This is what popped into my mind. Maybe have her prep boxes or something non messy and wear gloves. I am also very particular when I’m making stuff for other people. elaine my concern would be if she’s a finger licker or has hair that could fall into stuff.  It drives me nuts when I see people on cooking shows with long hair and/or long nails. I also get stabby if I see people touching their faces or hair. |
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Post by *sprout* on Dec 16, 2018 16:16:23 GMT
Since the event is at your house and bed bugs have been an issue for her before, I would be really cautious about having her in your house.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,766
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Dec 16, 2018 16:16:30 GMT
I would pick up the phone and talk to your sil. Text has too many ways of being misinterpreted. I would imagine she is looking for ways to bring her dd back into the fold and involve her in "normal" activities.
Tell your sil that she has your support on that front but given her stories on dds lack of hygiene, baking is not the place to start. Can she make place cards or some other craft related activity?
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Post by gotranch on Dec 16, 2018 16:26:35 GMT
Go with some cute holiday aprons and hair ties or santa hats for everyone to wear while you do your baking.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:30:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 16:29:18 GMT
Knowing what your sister shared about DD2, I wouldn’t be able to eat the cookies or candies regardless if she washed her hands really well. SIL shared a story about being invited to a friends house to make cookies. She said her house was filthy and as they were baking a mouse kept running out. It would have been one thing if it was a clean house and a mouse got in.. that happens. But in a filthy house, it’s more like pests are cohabitating with the occupants. I wouldn’t be able to shake that image and could not eat food made by someone like that or cooked in a house like that. Sorry OP, I would be upfront with my sister about something like that and say that I wouldn’t be comfortable with her preparing food after what DS has shared.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 16, 2018 16:43:00 GMT
Forget about the cookies and candies. I would not want anyone I knew was coming from a bedbugs infested house in my home.
Do you realize how easily they migrate?
Are they willing to change to clean clothes before entering? Leave purses & bagsin thier vehicle? Ewww just ewww.
Yes, I know my reaction is intensified by my job & the things I see at work and might be a slight over reaction but honestly ewww.
And, add roaches into the mix and top it off poor hygiene I would have a hard time.
Any chance you could do it at your SIL’s house? I know that doesn’t solve the food problem but it allows you to limit the infestation possibilities.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,665
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Dec 16, 2018 16:59:07 GMT
Nope. I had a cousin who was fighting bed bugs. She would come over but change on the porch, out her clothes in a trash bag and then go straight to the shower and put on fresh clothes and shoes from there.
Her choice.
It wasn't worth the risk.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 13, 2024 15:30:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2018 17:39:13 GMT
I think as it's at your house you get to have the final say who will be there. I know people have different standards of hygiene but dirty, smelly, bed bug infested individuals aren't really welcome in my kitchen. If that makes me a jerk...meh!
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Post by annabella on Dec 16, 2018 17:43:23 GMT
I still didn't address the first question of DD2 coming over and she didn't ask again. I've been in that situation and I've found the person takes my non-answer as an ok/yes. But you have to be careful about what you put in writing, texts are always screenshot and shared. Next time you can respond with something positive, I'd really just love to have some quality 1:1 time with you. |
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Post by mygigiscraps on Dec 16, 2018 19:02:35 GMT
That is certainly a tough one. As much as your SIL might complain about her daughter, well, she's still her daughter. My response would be something along the lines of "That sounds great! It'll be like old times, with all of us working together. Is it possible to do it at your house this year? I am having issues with my oven."
This avoids the infestation issue. As for the daughter being dirty and contaminating the food, that is avoided by taking a few ingredients over and only doing a small amount of your regular baking there. It's worth the price of a little butter, flour, and sugar to not potentially cause a rift, especially this time of year when everyone is under extra stress already.
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 16, 2018 21:38:10 GMT
If she does come over, I hope her bed bug issue is resolved. Ugh. That would be an unpleasant holiday surprise.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,749
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Dec 16, 2018 21:52:11 GMT
Even though it would be really hard (and sounds like too late now) you could say, sorry SIL, after the things you have shared with me about dd2 I am uncomfortable with her here/helping with the treat making since I’m giving these items as gifts. I mean SHE told you how bad it was- is she going to backpedal? All those ingredients are expensive and the time... no. Yuck. She really put you in a crappy position. If that doesn’t work or it’s too late, I’d just beg off and claim sickness and not go.
The event is at my house! UGH!
Haha! Well that escape route doesn’t work!! |
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Post by destined2bmom on Dec 16, 2018 23:58:29 GMT
Uuggg. NO. I definitely would NOT want her or her package deal of a DH at my house with their bad hygiene and the possibility of inheriting their bugs.
I am sorry that your SIL put you in this position.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on Dec 17, 2018 0:31:06 GMT
When is this to happen?
Have you spoken to your SIL yet
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 17, 2018 0:51:07 GMT
Well, you can’t very well openly invite one sister and not the other.
“Everyone wash your hands before we get started, no one wants to pass germs around during the cold & flu season”. Tie hair back, wear aprons, and have fun.
Or, go with the “my oven has been testy lately, can we use your kitchen?”
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It drives me nuts when I see people on cooking shows with long hair and/or long nails. I also get stabby if I see people touching their faces or hair.
Southern Side eyed Pea 
