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Post by Heart on Sept 28, 2014 14:04:02 GMT
I would really love some advice. I have been struggling with this for about a week and can't come to grips with anything.
Some background: I am 40ish and I have two kids- one 20 and one almost 18. They are my mother's only grandchildren.
My mother and I have an extremely difficult relationship. It has been hot/cold off and on since I became a teen without any real relief. I have defended my mother and her actions for my entire life to my husband, who suffered a great deal of aggression from her over the years. While our relationship has been strained and honestly even hostile at times, her obvious and genuine love for my children had always been firm in my mind without any doubts whatsoever. I always believed I could trust her with my children and never considered any other reality.
Last summer my mother took my younger child (DD) for a few weeks over the summer. This was a HUGE deal for everyone involved. In the past, she had offered to take them, but only one at a time. I was never comfortable with this for a variety of reasons (perhaps selfish or unfounded, but they were my feelings) and said no. In addition, my DD has some anxiety issues that made a trip for any amount of time a difficult concept. I talked DD through it and she agreed to go.
The trip did not go well. I don't want to discuss it here, but the event was serious and brought me to the point where I told my husband to go get my DD from the trip. I didn't call ahead to warn my mom- my husband simply drove 500+ miles and arrived at her doorstep. I knew that this course of action would change my relationship with my mother for the rest of my life.
I didn't speak to my mother for 9 or so months. She sent me a gift for my birthday, which I acknowledged with a text. (It was a total surprise. I didn't expect it at all.) We texted a little now and then past that, but no serious conversations. I called her for her birthday, which was the first time I had spoken to her for almost a year. It's still strained and I really don't want to deal with her unless I have to do so.
So now the advice:
My aunt is turning 50, and there's a party for her. I want to go, but my mother will almost definitely be there. I don't want to deal with mom.
The party is about 3 hours from my home, and in an area I don't know well. I honestly don't know if I want to go to this party- I don't want to be trapped with my mother far from home, but I want to celebrate my aunt. I love her and her family and don't want to miss her celebration.
Please help me know what to do or how to deal with it!
Thanks so much!
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Deleted
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Jun 9, 2024 23:19:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2014 14:09:37 GMT
Rent a hotel room for the night. Go to the party, you don't have to stay long. Or if it ends up being easier than you think you can stay longer. But at any rate the room will give you a place to escape to if things go wonky on you. You can pick up a meal or snacks, go back to your room for some solitude then either hit a pay per view movie or go out to the movies. Just because you don't know an area well doesn't mean you have to avoid it either.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by marimoose on Sept 28, 2014 14:15:15 GMT
Gosh, I understand so much of what you are saying because of my situation with my mother. I finally had to walk away for good from my own mom 12 years ago. There is a part of me that wants to tell you that you shouldn't be deprived of the celebration with your aunt, allowing your mom to control you like that but the other side says that you likely won't have a good time if you are on edge, waiting of something to go wrong with your mom. That doesn't make for a good situation for anyone, including your aunt. Is there any way that you can speak to your aunt explaining the situation and possibly setting up a way to celebrate with her? 300 miles is a quite a distance with little chance for escape from a possible bad situation.
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Sept 28, 2014 15:09:21 GMT
Personally I would not attend but would contact aunt involved and let her know why. Be firm don't let her change your mind.
To be fair to the other guests and not involve them in your situation I would not go. Some relationships are too toxic (even with mothers) to be maintained.
Good luck
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Sept 28, 2014 15:13:46 GMT
Does your Aunt know the situation? Is it a surprise party? If not a surprise party, I would have a heart to heart with your aunt and just tell her the feelings are too raw right now and you can not be faced with your mother. IDK, it's a hard situation. I have been there with other family members and it is so hard.
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Sept 28, 2014 15:15:44 GMT
Rent a hotel room for the night. Go to the party, you don't have to stay long. Or if it ends up being easier than you think you can stay longer. But at any rate the room will give you a place to escape to if things go wonky on you. You can pick up a meal or snacks, go back to your room for some solitude then either hit a pay per view movie or go out to the movies. Just because you don't know an area well doesn't mean you have to avoid it either.
Best advice in the first post. ITA
Don't let your Mom keep you away from the rest of your family. If may go better than you think it will.
Quite a few years ago, my DH and I decided just because people were family didn't mean we had to be all over them. We are civil to those we don't like and spent more time with those we do like.
If it gets uncomfortable, we don't engage and remove ourselves from the situation. No matter what they say. Fighting with anyone is not worth it.
Hope it goes good for you whatever you decide.
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Post by Heart on Sept 28, 2014 15:23:53 GMT
Yes, it's a surprise party. Aunt doesn't know about the fallout with my mom. (My mom was in full out denial and I didn't want to talk about it)
The party is a one day deal, so the idea is to drive up, go to the party, enjoy and then go home.
I'm just a big chicken and don't want to deal with it at all. I want my mother to be a non crazy person.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on Sept 28, 2014 15:35:13 GMT
Don't let your Mom keep you away from the rest of your family. If may go better than you think it will.
Quite a few years ago, my DH and I decided just because people were family didn't mean we had to be all over them. We are civil to those we don't like and spent more time with those we do like.
If it gets uncomfortable, we don't engage and remove ourselves from the situation. No matter what they say. Fighting with anyone is not worth it. This is very good advice. |
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 28, 2014 17:21:01 GMT
Personally I would not attend but would contact aunt involved and let her know why. Be firm don't let her change your mind. To be fair to the other guests and not involve them in your situation I would not go. Some relationships are too toxic (even with mothers) to be maintained. Good luck As far as other guests getting involved, I wouldn't worry too much about that. I've seen my share of family feuds and others tend not to get involved. My MIL is a total piece of work whom I haven't spoken to in recent years because of the horrific way she treated me. I know for a fact that she has told the family all about it from her point of view (where i'm the evil villain i'm sure, lol.) Anyhow i've been to family functions, it's not mentioned. No one treats me badly. While I have no desire to have a relationship with MIL, I am nice while around her (say hello, am pleasant, but if I can be on the other side of the room with someone else, I try to be.) Long story short, do not avoid it on her account if you want to be there. Volt's advice was great, get a room if you're staying and go to the party. Stay as long as you feel comfortable, i'd be willing to bet with the other guests around you'll enjoy yourself and be glad you've gone. It always seems like a more difficult situation in your mind than they usually turn out to be. |
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Deleted
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Jun 9, 2024 23:19:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2014 18:28:09 GMT
Another possible solution is to go the day before or the day after and celebrate with her personally. You didn't say who was planning the party, but if it is the Uncle, could you speak with him and plan something else more intimate?
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Post by peasapie on Sept 28, 2014 18:34:04 GMT
I probably wouldn't go -- but I'd send a gift and a heartfelt note expressing your love and best wishes. Also, I like luvspaper's idea of visiting shortly before or after.
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Post by eebud on Sept 28, 2014 18:38:21 GMT
I agree with Volt. However, you have said that you were not planning on staying the night. I would still go because it sounds like this aunt means a lot to you. I would acknowledge mom and then start talking to others that you know. I also might have an alternative plan of what I can go do if I need to leave in case I don't want to get back on the road and drive back immediately.
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Post by sbartist on Sept 28, 2014 18:42:41 GMT
I would not go, just because it is an uncomfortable situation and might make others uncomfortable.
What I would do instead, invite my aunt out for the day (other than the day of the celebration), so you can spend time with her and acknowledge her special day.
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 28, 2014 18:47:43 GMT
If there is a large guest list for the surprise party I would skip it and call your aunt the next day. Tell her how sorry you were not to make it (don't mention any drama with your mom) and make plans to do something to celebrate with your aunt. If it is a small party and you feel missing it would be noticed and hurtful, I'd go with the advice in the first post. If you don't want to get a hotel room, just head home earlier than planned (I wasn't clear if you were planning a 6hr round trip in a day). If you do go be prepared to tell your mom firmly "this is not the time & place to talk about XXX". It sounds like she wants to still have a relationship, but you need to decide what is best for you and sometimes that means cutting ties. |
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Post by samcro on Sept 28, 2014 19:10:10 GMT
I'm just a big chicken and don't want to deal with it at all. I want my mother to be a non crazy person. Sorry, I have no advice. I could have written those two sentences. I am so over my mom. I know that sounds horrible, but distance from her is the best thing for my own sanity. Hugs. |
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Sept 28, 2014 19:24:40 GMT
Why not visit your aunt on a separate occasion, when you know that your mother will be out of the picture.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Sept 28, 2014 20:25:58 GMT
Why not visit your aunt on a separate occasion, when you know that your mother will be out of the picture.  I would not run the risk of going and have something happen that ruins the event for your aunt. |
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Post by katlaw on Sept 28, 2014 21:12:32 GMT
Your aunt knows your mom and you so she must know how difficult your mom has been in your life.
If it were me I would call the aunt, tell her you regret not being able to go to the party but are concerned recent events could cause drama and that could ruin her birthday.
Instead I would offer to take your aunt out for a birthday celebration. In my home that would include booking a nice restaurant and taking my aunt out and having a nice birthday together with her and my family.
I cannot imagine your husband or DD want to see your mom either so it would not just be you that would be uncomfortable going.
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Post by Heart on Sept 28, 2014 21:26:01 GMT
yeah, there is no way on the earth I will ask my DD or DH to go with me. DD has been through enough, and DH would make a difficult situation worse. He's been the outlet for all of my mother's viciousness for a long time and I am not letting her do that again.
After discussing it with another family member, I decided to go alone, because me not being there would definitely be noticed. I'll just suck it up and ignore her if she decides to be nuts.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 28, 2014 21:27:22 GMT
What is your gut feeling? You probably already know what you WANT to do and that is what you should do. I don't think picking one thing or the other is necessarily good or bad. Go with your gut.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Sept 28, 2014 21:29:29 GMT
I'm glad you're going. I'd really hate to think that anyone would allow a relationship with another person to keep them from a special event for a loved one. I don't think you go wrong by taking the high road and if you act like an adult, you will look good in the eyes of anyone who knows what is going on.
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Post by Really Red on Sept 28, 2014 22:56:24 GMT
I know it's going to be difficult no matter what you decide. But if you think your mom will cause a scene, please don't go. It's not worth it for you or the rest of your family. If you think she won't cause a scene, then I do hope you go with an escape route planned.
I'm sorry.
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Post by melrose on Sept 29, 2014 1:20:47 GMT
There are 364 other days of the year you can celebrate your Aunt's birthday. I'd pick another day. It's not like you'd have much "alone" time with your Aunt at a surprise party. Just my 2 cents.
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Post by pelirroja on Sept 29, 2014 9:31:34 GMT
I totally get that you want your mom to be a noncrazy person. But if 99 times in a row, she's been crazy, it's an unrealistic expectation to think she'll be noncrazy. Wish and hope for noncrazy, sure, but prep for the craycray if that is what she consistently shows you. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Just in case.
I think your decision to go alone is a good one: have an escape plan and hotel room so you can easily extricate yourself if things go off the rails. Hugs to your husband: it's hard to be on the receiving end of unearned neverending hatred.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 29, 2014 11:41:26 GMT
I'm going to be blunt: grow a pair and deal with it.
It's not healthy to let this just linger and hang out there and become bigger and bigger and snowball.
Go, be civil. If she makes a scene give your aunt a kiss and leave. If your mom wants to talk to you about things other than the weather, say: "this really isn't the place or time to rehash this. Let's just have a nice time for Aunt's sake."
I'm a firm believer in "deal with it." Head on. I know it's hard. And it's particularly hard when the other person isn't rational, but are you going to let her keep you away from this party out of fear of what MIGHT happen? What if she is okay and you missed the party just because you were too scared to go?
Take Volt's advice and GO.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 29, 2014 12:32:52 GMT
yeah, there is no way on the earth I will ask my DD or DH to go with me. DD has been through enough, and DH would make a difficult situation worse. He's been the outlet for all of my mother's viciousness for a long time and I am not letting her do that again. After discussing it with another family member, I decided to go alone, because me not being there would definitely be noticed. I'll just suck it up and ignore her if she decides to be nuts. Glad you decided to go! One of the things with not going to avoid her is you could end up alienating yourself from other family members by doing this. If you don't go this time, then the next time is even harder. Go, say hello and visit with relatives on the other side of the room  |
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Post by corinne11 on Sept 29, 2014 14:12:58 GMT
My answer really depends on how you think your mother will act towards you. My older sister decided she no longer wanted my younger sister and I in her life after a disagreement. My nephew (brother's child) invited us all to his engagement. We went as a group with all our children, she attended with her daughter. While her daughter greeted and engaged with us, she sat in one spot all night so we easily avoided her. I was a bit uneasy at first, but then realised she was not brave enough to confront us in person - all her nastiness towards us had been on Facebook.
Fast forward 2 years- my dad died. We contacted her children, organised flights and even offered all of them a lift in our car at our destination. 12 family members on a 30 person plane and two trips in the car so we weren't in close contact. We invited them to lunch and she chose to sit behind us during the service. One of the most stressful days of my life (doing the eulogy) and my younger sister and I made it through a very long day - 9am till 6pm without speaking to her once.
We were not rude, we just talked to others. Our children talked to her and once she tried to reply to something I had said but I just casually turned away.
Be prepared to walk away if necessary without explanations. Focus on celebrating with your aunt. Good luck, I hope the party goes smoothly for you. Corinne |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2014 14:17:35 GMT
Gosh, I understand so much of what you are saying because of my situation with my mother. I finally had to walk away for good from my own mom 12 years ago. There is a part of me that wants to tell you that you shouldn't be deprived of the celebration with your aunt, allowing your mom to control you like that but the other side says that you likely won't have a good time if you are on edge, waiting of something to go wrong with your mom. That doesn't make for a good situation for anyone, including your aunt. Is there any way that you can speak to your aunt explaining the situation and possibly setting up a way to celebrate with her? 300 miles is a quite a distance with little chance for escape from a possible bad situation. This is exactly what I was going to type. I had a bad relationship with my mother as well and walked away (on the advice of HER psychiatrist). I would tell your Aunt that you would love to celebrate her birthday, could you come at another time for lunch, dinner, etc. It would be a much more enjoyable visit for all... Good luck and hugs. |
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Post by gailoh on Sept 29, 2014 14:25:38 GMT
hugs to you...sounds like you need them
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Post by Florida Cindy on Sept 30, 2014 13:12:55 GMT
Whe
n faced with a situation like this, I ask myself: "Will it matter when I am on my deathbed?"
Yes=go
No=stay home
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