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Post by gryroagain on Dec 18, 2018 17:49:12 GMT
So. I have major upheaval in my family, and no real clue what to do or ask. My DH has the Norman Rockwell family. He can’t relate.
My dad had a stroke about 8 years ago and it totally changed his personality (not uncommon). He was always religious, but the loving kind of Christian. I grew up wishing I believed in God because I wanted to be like my dad, he was so loving and peaceful.
Post stroke Dad is angry, judgmental, mean. Not “my” dad. Definitely not the man my mom married. My mom has never been terribly religious, but not anti, like me she respected his views even if not hers because they were lovely beliefs. After 40 years, it is hard to accept a totally new person.
She knows it is the stroke. The thing is my dad, does NOT. He thinks because he can use a fork fine again he is the same, but he is not. He is totally changed. He is angry, bitter, mean. It is awful for me as his daughter, but for my mom...
My siblings do not see this like I do (not saying they are wrong) and blame my mom for not caring for him. They also notice and dislike my dads new mean self, but cannot seem to translate that to what mom is going thru as his wife. They think she is not being nice enough, but he is SO mean now. He berates her and me, my sister, anyone, who asks about his health. I know it is coming from a place of fear as he is afraid of further strokes...but he is SO mean. Just really vile. And this all very normal for a stroke, but he will NOT entertain anything about that, see a dr, antidepressants, nothing.
so we are stuck. Rather my poor sister is stuck since she lives there. And my mom who is just devastated. My siblings think her awful and callous and she is not, she is just trying to protect herself. I think...because they have not been married very long or are divorced, they just cannot imagine the shock of being with someone who was one way for 30years and is now totally different.
Im all the way in Korea and I think my family is imploding and I can do shit all about it and I just want to cry. My sister has said she is removing herself for her own good which I get. I cannot talk to my dad at all because he is just a mess ofJesus and weird, like incoherent weird. My mom puts on a brave faceand it’s all fine. I worry a lot, like 2 am a lot. Like things will go very bad a lot.
Not sure what I’m asking. I don’t beleive in prayers but I’ll glad takethem. Advice? A hug?
I hate being so far away. I hate I cannot fix my dads stroke. I hate heis not the person he was. I hate we (mom, me, siblings) cannot deal with that.
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Post by gar on Dec 18, 2018 17:52:45 GMT
I don't have anything helpful to say that will help you, I'm sorry, but you've got a big hug for sure (((hugs)))
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Post by hop2 on Dec 18, 2018 17:54:07 GMT
Hugs
You must feel so helpless. I’m so sorry
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036 
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Post by used2scrap on Dec 18, 2018 17:55:29 GMT
I’m sorry, I don’t have much to add. But I’m dealing with something similar, in my children’s father that has a brain injury that has taken him from a jerk to raging a$$hole. Even when you know it’s the injury, it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Can you look online to see if there are any caregiver resources or groups local to your mom, or even online? Compassion fatigue is very real, and maybe knowing she isn’t alone could help her. My thoughts are with your family.
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Montannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
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Post by Montannie on Dec 18, 2018 17:57:00 GMT
Hugs. I'm not sure what you can do, besides support your mom.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:34:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 18:04:51 GMT
I'm so sorry, dealing with ageing parents and all their issues is very difficult.
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Post by jenjie on Dec 18, 2018 18:07:25 GMT
I’m so sorry. Your concern and compassion for both of your parents and your sister is palpable.
Does your mom feel free to spend time away, like a book club or weekly coffee date with a friend or something that gives her some breathing room and something to look forward to?
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
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Post by joelise on Dec 18, 2018 19:35:42 GMT
I’m so sorry. I can imagine that it’s really difficult for you living so far away.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,647
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Dec 18, 2018 19:42:12 GMT
I'm so sorry. I completely understand. My husband became chronically ill, and his personality drastically changed as a result. It alters every single thing.  Big hugs to you. It is difficult. |
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Post by lucyg on Dec 18, 2018 19:45:50 GMT
I’m very sorry. I agree, all you can do for now is offer emotional support to your mom and sister. Try not to let the siblings or your dad himself get you down. It can’t be changed ... at least, he can’t. Your siblings may come around on their own eventually.
Could your mom come visit you in Korea for awhile?
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 18, 2018 19:47:41 GMT
Can someone have a conversation with his MD about the changes and get advice on how to deal with this?
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,192
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Dec 18, 2018 19:52:51 GMT
Ugh, I can't even imagine how your mom is dealing with this. Has she let his doctor know what is going on? She needs some help from someone who can give her ideas how to deal with him.
I'm so sorry, sending you hugs. |
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ModChick
Drama Llama
True North Strong and Free
Posts: 5,062
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Post by ModChick on Dec 18, 2018 20:00:28 GMT
So. I have major upheaval in my family, and no real clue what to do or ask. My DH has the Norman Rockwell family. He can’t relate. My dad had a stroke about 8 years ago and it totally changed his personality (not uncommon). He was always religious, but the loving kind of Christian. I grew up wishing I believed in God because I wanted to be like my dad, he was so loving and peaceful. Post stroke Dad is angry, judgmental, mean. Not “my” dad. Definitely not the man my mom married. My mom has never been terribly religious, but not anti, like me she respected his views even if not hers because they were lovely beliefs. After 40 years, it is hard to accept a totally new person. She knows it is the stroke. The thing is my dad, does NOT. He thinks because he can use a fork fine again he is the same, but he is not. He is totally changed. He is angry, bitter, mean. It is awful for me as his daughter, but for my mom... My siblings do not see this like I do (not saying they are wrong) and blame my mom for not caring for him. They also notice and dislike my dads new mean self, but cannot seem to translate that to what mom is going thru as his wife. They think she is not being nice enough, but he is SO mean now. He berates her and me, my sister, anyone, who asks about his health. I know it is coming from a place of fear as he is afraid of further strokes...but he is SO mean. Just really vile. And this all very normal for a stroke, but he will NOT entertain anything about that, see a dr, antidepressants, nothing. so we are stuck. Rather my poor sister is stuck since she lives there. And my mom who is just devastated. My siblings think her awful and callous and she is not, she is just trying to protect herself. I think...because they have not been married very long or are divorced, they just cannot imagine the shock of being with someone who was one way for 30years and is now totally different. Im all the way in Korea and I think my family is imploding and I can do shit all about it and I just want to cry. My sister has said she is removing herself for her own good which I get. I cannot talk to my dad at all because he is just a mess ofJesus and weird, like incoherent weird. My mom puts on a brave faceand it’s all fine. I worry a lot, like 2 am a lot. Like things will go very bad a lot. Not sure what I’m asking. I don’t beleive in prayers but I’ll glad takethem. Advice? A hug? I hate being so far away. I hate I cannot fix my dads stroke. I hate heis not the person he was. I hate we (mom, me, siblings) cannot deal with that. I haven’t read the replies yet so forgive me if this has been said, first I’m so very sorry you all are having to go through this I just can’t imagine it. I’m thinking that someone else must be dealing with this exact thing, especially how common it is after brain injuries someone’s personality can change so I’d have your mom ask her doctor about some support groups for herself at the very least. Or google. I know our little city has a group for stroke and traumatic brain injuries (can’t remember groups name but acquaintance works for them). It’s an organization that either the person that had stroke or family members can access for help with this kind of situation because as you said something bad can and certainly does happen. Hugs and prayers that your family gets the help it needs even though your dad doesn’t feel he needs it. |
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Post by mellyw on Dec 18, 2018 20:02:30 GMT
I am sorry, gyro. I was living in Japan, about to move to England when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I was going thru major surgery myself, and didn’t even know if I’d get to visit in between the move. So my heart is hurting for you, being so far away and not feeling you can help.
I watched my FIL change after heart surgery, but he became more childlike, wanting to be catered to all the time. That was a rough enough transition, I can not imagine how your Dad turning so mean has thrown everyone for a loop.
I wish I had some great advice, but I don’t beyond concern for your Mom. Is she getting any help? Able to get out?
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,677
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 18, 2018 20:10:32 GMT
Is he still religious? If so, is he involved in a church? Could your mother reach out to someone at his church for help?
I would encourage her to look for support groups like ModChick suggested. Even an online community could be helpful.
Good luck, this must be so heartbreaking for all of you.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Dec 18, 2018 20:21:44 GMT
I’m very sorry, I understand about the after stroke personality change. This happened to my dad after his stroke too |
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Post by piebaker on Dec 18, 2018 20:22:53 GMT
I agree with Rhondito . Can a church member or a member of the clergy approach your dad and suggest a doctor visit? For therapy or medication? Can the church members offer your mother or sister some respite time away while they stay with your father? Perhaps the clergy member can approach your other siblings with their findings to make them aware of the situation from an outsider's perspective. Sorry the situation is so much on your mind and is causing you to feel sadness as you are away from your family. |
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
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Post by Mystie on Dec 18, 2018 20:39:31 GMT
I am so sorry this has happened to your dad and your family. My dad has been battling brain cancer for four years, and hit a big crisis point in September. It's hard for everyone to see the changes in him, but especially for my mom, of course. (Fortunately, my dad has gotten easier to deal with in some ways, as he's gotten more confused, but my mom has had to take over every single practical part of their lives plus take care of his health issues.) I really feel for your mom, and for you, being far away. I'm a day's drive away, certainly not as far as Korea, but I totally understand the worry and the guilt about not being able to be there. My sister is the only sibling who lives close and I feel terrible about how much has fallen on her and my BIL.
The only thing I can think of that could help your mom a bit would be a service like Visiting Angels, where someone can come and sit with your dad so that your mom can get out of the house for a few hours. That has been a big help to my mom, as has getting a house cleaner to come in every week or two.
I don't know if your mom would see a therapist (my mom hasn't, despite my encouragement) but she really needs a therapist or a good friend at the very least to be a reality check for her against the untruth she is hearing from your dad and from your siblings. She will be beaten down quickly if she doesn't have a place to talk and hear truth.
I really understand that 2 AM worrying. The grief and worry just weigh on you. And the drop in your stomach every time you get a phone call from home. I'm really very sorry. Please PM me if you ever need to talk.
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Post by miominmio on Dec 18, 2018 20:42:58 GMT
I can relate. ((Hugs))
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Post by mlynn on Dec 18, 2018 21:11:07 GMT
I understand that the doctor cannot talk to you about your father's condition and symptoms. However, he CAN listen to you. In your shoes, I would write the doctor a letter. Begin by acknowledging that he cannot talk to you. Tell him your observations, the observations and reports of others, and share your concerns. He can consider this information while treating your father.
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Post by shevy on Dec 18, 2018 21:36:00 GMT
So. I have major upheaval in my family, and no real clue what to do or ask. My DH has the Norman Rockwell family. He can’t relate. My dad had a stroke about 8 years ago and it totally changed his personality (not uncommon). He was always religious, but the loving kind of Christian. I grew up wishing I believed in God because I wanted to be like my dad, he was so loving and peaceful. Post stroke Dad is angry, judgmental, mean. Not “my” dad. Definitely not the man my mom married. My mom has never been terribly religious, but not anti, like me she respected his views even if not hers because they were lovely beliefs. After 40 years, it is hard to accept a totally new person. She knows it is the stroke. The thing is my dad, does NOT. He thinks because he can use a fork fine again he is the same, but he is not. He is totally changed. He is angry, bitter, mean. It is awful for me as his daughter, but for my mom... My siblings do not see this like I do (not saying they are wrong) and blame my mom for not caring for him. They also notice and dislike my dads new mean self, but cannot seem to translate that to what mom is going thru as his wife. They think she is not being nice enough, but he is SO mean now. He berates her and me, my sister, anyone, who asks about his health. I know it is coming from a place of fear as he is afraid of further strokes...but he is SO mean. Just really vile. And this all very normal for a stroke, but he will NOT entertain anything about that, see a dr, antidepressants, nothing. so we are stuck. Rather my poor sister is stuck since she lives there. And my mom who is just devastated. My siblings think her awful and callous and she is not, she is just trying to protect herself. I think...because they have not been married very long or are divorced, they just cannot imagine the shock of being with someone who was one way for 30years and is now totally different. Im all the way in Korea and I think my family is imploding and I can do shit all about it and I just want to cry. My sister has said she is removing herself for her own good which I get. I cannot talk to my dad at all because he is just a mess ofJesus and weird, like incoherent weird. My mom puts on a brave faceand it’s all fine. I worry a lot, like 2 am a lot. Like things will go very bad a lot. Not sure what I’m asking. I don’t beleive in prayers but I’ll glad takethem. Advice? A hug? I hate being so far away. I hate I cannot fix my dads stroke. I hate heis not the person he was. I hate we (mom, me, siblings) cannot deal with that. I am going through something similar. My Grandmother is suffering from Alzheimers and she has grown mean, nasty and sundowns to worse later in the day.
My Mom has a really hard time with it. Granted, my Mom is the primary care giver, and my Grandmother cusses her out daily. But she cannot remove herself from the situation. I suggested counseling for my Mom. On her own. To get out the feelings she has so that there is not resentment when my Grandmother dies.
I'd suggest counseling for your Mom. When she has completed a few sessions, she can bring a child with her each time or two and have the counselor help explain what is going on. And I wish you all some peace.
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Post by clarencelynn on Dec 18, 2018 21:57:57 GMT
I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with this situation. I'm in a similar situation with my DH. His personality has also changed to be bitter, mean, angry and it is such a shock to see the person he is now verses the person he used to be. I've tried to make sure I'm living my best life (making decisions that make me happy while not hurting him) and try to remember that when he is hateful it is the stroke talking. But it still hurts.
Hugs to you and Mom!
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Dec 18, 2018 22:08:18 GMT
I'm sorry, Gryro. I don't have any advice because I have no experience and this is really tough. I just don't want to read and run. I am thinking about you and hope something positive can come out of this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 22:34:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2018 22:15:43 GMT
If it helps to vent here, I hope you will. You are heard. I'm very sorry.
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Post by silverlining on Dec 18, 2018 22:27:39 GMT
Are any of your siblings who are critical of your mother able to come spend time with your dad so she can have a break? That would be a relief to your mom and might help them be more understanding. If any of them say something critical to you or to your sister who lives with your parents, tell them your mom needs a break. Ask them to go visit Dad or contribute to a home health agency. Encourage your mom to tell them she needs some relief. They might not be in a situation to help, but it might help them to understand what your mom is dealing with and be less critical.
I'm so sorry. I've been in a similar situation and I know it's hard to be the one who's far away.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 18, 2018 22:33:35 GMT
I’m so sorry you’re so far away and feel helpless. I’m sorry too for your mom and other family members who don’t deserve having to put up with that. I’m sorry for your dad too, because it was the result of something he had no control over. Hugs all around. |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 18, 2018 22:37:03 GMT
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I cannot even imagine how hard it is for you. 😥
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 18, 2018 23:19:22 GMT
It is terrible to feel so powerless in the face of things you can't control or help. I am sending you a pm. You are in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for all of this.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 19, 2018 0:02:42 GMT
I'm so sorry. There are some good ideas here.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Dec 19, 2018 0:09:33 GMT
Hugs - I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this and know how hard it is when there's simply no good answers. Like a previous poster, our family dealt with Alzheimer's and I truly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. By far the most difficult part was the family member becoming a stranger - and unfortunately a really, really mean stranger. Give all the support you can to the caregivers and encourage anyone providing criticism to do the same. It's hard - often damn hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Big hugs to you. It is difficult. 
