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Post by Linda on Jan 10, 2019 20:20:36 GMT
I think, in general, it's better to ask/express concern/offer help when it wasn't needed than to not ask/help when it is.
That said - DH wasn't especially amused years ago when I got stabbed at work and the doctor I had to follow up with (workers comp) asked about DV (before reading my chart)
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 10, 2019 20:28:02 GMT
I think the trainer was an appropriate person to ask, and it was good she did.
I love the idea of having a card with the number on it ready, if you are in a situation where you are likely to see women who may need help.
I must say: while some abused woman are more easily recognized (Meek, self effacing, startle easy), many are not. Abuse crosses socio-economic lines, and many women are first class actors anxious to hide their situation.
When in doubt, I think it’s better to ask, though discreetly, kindly, and respectfully. The experience of someone being gossiped about, and the poster who felt talked down to are definitely warnings of what NOT to do.
As a survivor of DV, it is surreal, like living a double life. The real one, filled with humiliation, terror, hopelessness and helplessness. And the outside one, plastering a smile on your face and listening to people talk about what a great guy he is. Done respectfully, I think asking is a good thing.
After XH went to prison, a few friends shared that they got a bad vibe off my ex, but didn’t say anything because they thought I was ok. Only DS and DIL ( the ones with whom I now live ), ever said anything, asking questions and offering a place to come.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2019 20:29:44 GMT
I dunno. I found it humiliating for others to know what I was going through. I’m smart and supposed to know better and everyone who found out immediately assumed I needed to leave. They also like to talk down to the victim. Like we’re stupid or something. Until that changes, a lot of victims will prefer to be left alone. Because I’ll take anything over being talked down to by people who don’t know me. This is true of a lot of difficulties besides abuse as well. There are some deeply personal things that you want help with, you need help with, but to the contrary of what they say, other people do not want to hear. It's one of the most disheartening things, to finally reach out for help, like you are told to do, and receive humiliation or maybe even worse, indifference instead. It makes one very leery of asking for help the next time.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jan 10, 2019 20:31:25 GMT
No I wouldn't ask a women if she was ok if she had a black eye any more then I would if she had any other type of injury. I also won't assume an injury is dv. I'm active at my gym, go biking, I'm involved in a lot of dog sports and we trip, fall, have dogs smash our faces with their heads. Even though I was abused by my mother and married to an alcoholic, I still wouldn't jump to dv any time a woman has an injury. I would look for more then just a single injury.
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Post by busy on Jan 10, 2019 20:32:42 GMT
After XH went to prison, a few friends shared that they got a bad vibe off my ex, but didn’t say anything because they thought I was ok. Only DS and DIL ( the ones with whom I now live with ), ever said anything, asking questions and offering a place to come. (((Hugs))) There was someone at my former company - a pretty high level professional - who was murdered on the street by her husband as she left work one day. (I did not know her - it was a huge company; we worked in the same large department but in different states.) Afterwards, a lot of her local coworkers said her husband seemed creepy and they were suspicious about some occasional visible bruises, etc. but since she was so successful, they assumed she was fine and would get help if she needed it. They didn't want to pry. I wonder if things could have been any different if they had spoken up. Maybe. Maybe not. Now we can never know.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 10, 2019 20:33:26 GMT
I dunno. I found it humiliating for others to know what I was going through. I’m smart and supposed to know better and everyone who found out immediately assumed I needed to leave. They also like to talk down to the victim. Like we’re stupid or something. Until that changes, a lot of victims will prefer to be left alone. Because I’ll take anything over being talked down to by people who don’t know me. This is true of a lot of difficulties besides abuse as well. There are some deeply personal things that you want help with, you need help with, but to the contrary of what they say, other people do not want to hear. It's one of the most disheartening things, to finally reach out for help, like you are told to do, and receive humiliation or maybe even worse, indifference instead. It makes one very leery of asking for help the next time. This is just heartbreaking. But true. Early in my marriage I tried to turn to my Mom, the only person I thought I could get help from, and she completely shut me down. And I never shared or asked again.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 10, 2019 20:36:46 GMT
After XH went to prison, a few friends shared that they got a bad vibe off my ex, but didn’t say anything because they thought I was ok. Only DS and DIL ( the ones with whom I now live with ), ever said anything, asking questions and offering a place to come. (((Hugs))) There was someone at my former company - a pretty high level professional - who was murdered on the street by her husband as she left work one day. (I did not know her - it was a huge company; we worked in the same large department but in different states.) Afterwards, a lot of her local coworkers said her husband seemed creepy and they were suspicious about some occasional visible bruises, etc. but since she was so successful, they assumed she was fine and would get help if she needed it. They didn't want to pry. I wonder if things could have been any different if they had spoken up. Maybe. Maybe not. Now we can never know. It’s so hard to know. We see case after case where the woman is trying to leave, has help, even a restraining order, but is still murdered. I personally know a woman who stays because he flat out told her if she ever left he’d kill her.
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Post by katlaw on Jan 10, 2019 20:48:01 GMT
Yes, I have and I would again. Not many years ago, I was that woman with a black eye here, bruise on my upper arm there, etc. It was from abuse, and I wish I had been visible to someone, anyone. At my last job, I worked in a low income neighborhood thrift shop. I kept the number to a woman's shelter in my apron pocket, and shared it. I always asked when I saw bruises. Black eyes. Wrist, arm, and neck bruises. Sometimes they would tell me a cause that was not abuse. Sometimes they'd admit abuse, but shrug it off. Sometimes they would just start to cry, and I would slip them a post it note with "Avon cosmetics" and the women's shelter number on it, and tell them they are not alone, and that they can reach out for help. Also, I just want to share, but the way I first found the number to a domestic violence hotline was a card taped to a public bathroom stall door. It took months for me to finally call. Hugs to you, I am sorry you had to live that life. And happy you are here to share your story and help others. I have never been the victim but have more than one friend who has been. I asked a friend years ago "does your husband hurt you?" and she answered no. And I believed her. I started seeing her less and less and believed it was because we just had busy lives. The reality was he was isolating her from her family and friends. And abusing her. It is a hard question to ask. My DH grew up in a very abusive home and the abuser got away with it for years. It was finally brought to the attention of the authorities when someone asked his sister and she told someone what their home life was like. My DH and sister and his mom were all abused and all afraid to talk to anyone because he had threatened to kill them. I would say something. It would depend on the situation and how well I knew the person but I would never not say something.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,677
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Jan 10, 2019 20:56:06 GMT
I probably wouldn't ask a stranger unless they were acting in a frightened way or something gave me a feeling that something was wrong. My coworkers would definitely ask what happened if I showed up to work with a black eye - although they would most likely ask as they were laughing at me. Stupid boys. Years ago when I was married and my husband was in the army, I had to go to the doctor at Ft. Campbell - I don't even remember why. I always have dark circles under my eyes, so does my mother, and it's worse when I'm sick. The doctor kept asking me why I had black eyes and when I told her I always had them she kept saying "are you sure?" She didn't believe me. I know she thought my husband beat me and he had never even raised his voice to me, much less hit me. I felt so uncomfortable.
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Post by colleen on Jan 10, 2019 21:04:50 GMT
I had a really bad reaction to a bad IPL treatment on both cheeks -- think very large blisters all over. You can imagine what I looked like during the month it took to heal. I couldn't hide it and I didn't stay home and surprisingly few people commented on it. Except kids! Every kid I came across had something to say about it. Not in an "Ew, gross," way. More like "Did you fall off the swings and land on your face?" way.
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Post by Pahina722 on Jan 10, 2019 21:32:41 GMT
Two years ago, I tripped over a crack in my driveway, stumbled a few steps and then face-planted into the concrete. I ended up with a black eye from my temple to halfway down my cheek, a partially torn rotator cuff, and huge road burn scrapes on my elbow, knee, and ankle on the same side. Most of my co-workers said nothing other than giving me the odd side-eye glance. My students, though, were quick to ask what happened. A couple who had also had my husband as a teacher in high school jokingly threatened to straighten him out.
But the most fun was watching the double takes DH, DS, and I got as we wandered through Universal later that week. My bruises had fully developed into their full purple glory, so I truly looked like I’d been in an accident.
All in all, I didn’t mind being asked and was somewhat surprised if people didn’t comment at all. If I had been the observer and not the klutz, I wouldn’t have assumed abuse but would have wanted to know what had happened and if I could help.
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camcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,976
Jun 26, 2014 3:41:19 GMT
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Post by camcas on Jan 10, 2019 21:37:22 GMT
I think asking “ Are you OK?” Is always OK People can make an excuse if they don’t feel comfortable sharing but for someone it may open the door to a conversation........
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Post by Jen in NCal on Jan 10, 2019 22:06:52 GMT
I had a drunken encounter one night about 5 years ago with a child's toy piano. Chipped a bone at the top of my cheek and I had a concussion. It was 2 days at work before someone finally asked me about it.
Part of me thinks that people see you and how you aren't hiding it and think it probably isn't abuse. But I've never been abused so I don't know.
When I finally did go to the ER 3 days later, I was asked numerous times if I was in a safe place. They were really concerned when I came in and asked them about the camel outside. They thought I was seeing things until a nurse came back from her break asking about the camel outside.
I still have the bone chip. It's become a habit to play with it.
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Post by maryland on Jan 10, 2019 22:15:24 GMT
If it's a close friend that has a black eye, or any obvious type of injury, I would ask him or her what happened, or if there was anything I could do to help (if it was an injury that would involve them needing help around the house, etc.
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Post by maryland on Jan 10, 2019 22:18:50 GMT
I think, in general, it's better to ask/express concern/offer help when it wasn't needed than to not ask/help when it is. That said - DH wasn't especially amused years ago when I got stabbed at work and the doctor I had to follow up with (workers comp) asked about DV (before reading my chart) Same with my husband. When my husband got a black eye and broken cheekbone from a basketball injury, he was asked if he felt safe at home. Even when he went in with chest pains, he was asked that.
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Post by tuva42 on Jan 10, 2019 22:21:32 GMT
Oh gosh, that's a hard, hard question. I run a drop-in craft studio. A couple of years ago we were hosting a preschool playgroup at the studio. One of the moms came in late, juggling 2 kids and a diaper bag, with a bruise on her face and obviously holding back tears. I didn't know what to do. I'm the owner of the shop but it wasn't a class I was teaching, they were just using our preschool space for a playgroup meeting. I guess I thought the other moms would help her, but I got the feeling she was new to the group, the other moms didn't know her at all, a few seemed to just know her name. It was very uncomfortable and I felt totally out of my depth. A few weeks later I was at a networking meeting where our sheriff (a woman) was talking about partner abuse. She gave me a stack of small flyers I could keep at the shop, something I could hand to a woman if I thought she needed help. I still wish I'd done more.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,748
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 10, 2019 22:40:52 GMT
I got beaten up by a boyfriend just as he became an ex-boyfriend. I was open about it.
Months afterwards I met my now-husband. A good year after that, we had moved in together very happily and he was working abroad. I picked up a stomach bug, got up in the night to throw up, passed out and hit my eye on the bathroom door knob. I gave myself a beautiful shiner. I had half the office take me aside and ask whether everything was OK at home, bless them. I laughed and told the truth, and was surprised to see that they looked very wary. My poor man!
Yes, having been on both sides, if someone I know appears with a black eye, I always ask what happened.
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Post by pierkiss on Jan 11, 2019 0:42:04 GMT
For a friend? I would ask what happened. For a passing aquaintence, I probably would not ask, unless I happened to notice a pattern of injuries or other abnormal behaviors. Then I would ask. THere are a lot of reasons people can have black eyes. I don’t like prying into other people’s business, or creating unnecessary drama for other people.
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