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Post by busy on Jan 10, 2019 18:11:24 GMT
If a woman you knew in passing showed up with a black eye, would you say anything to her? Why or why not?
A week ago today, I had a stupid gym mishap and ended up with a black eye. It's just under my eye - not all the way around - but it's still pretty nasty looking and very obvious. Can't be hidden with makeup at all. I've definitely seen people noticing it but no one has said a word.
Yesterday was the first time anyone had commented on it... at the gym, a trainer (who I don't know personally but who is usually working when I'm at the gym so we recognize each other) approached me as I was wrapping up my workout and quietly asked, "Is everything ok at home?" I laughed, explained how it happened and thanked her for asking, then left.
I was thinking about it later and am a little bothered. Not that she asked, but that no one else has. My immediately family obviously knows what happened, but in seeing people at my son's school, at businesses I frequent, etc. no one said anything. In my case, I don't need help. But what if I did? Would someone asking and showing concern maybe create the moment that I decided I needed to act to protect myself? Maybe. Maybe not. But what's the downside?
I like to think that if I someone I knew, even not well, showed up with a black eye, I'd privately ask her about it. Not make a big deal about it, but let her know people are there for her. Maybe it would be awkward but it could make a difference. I dunno. Just thinking.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 10, 2019 18:15:59 GMT
It really depends on how close I am to a person. A random stranger I’ve spoken to? Probably not. Someone who I see on a regular basis although I may not be 100% on their name? Maybe. A close friend or coworker? Absolutely.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2019 18:24:54 GMT
I was thinking about it later and am a little bothered. Not that she asked, but that no one else has. My immediately family obviously knows what happened, but in seeing people at my son's school, at businesses I frequent, etc. no one said anything. In my case, I don't need help. But what if I did? Would someone asking and showing concern maybe create the moment that I decided I needed to act to protect myself? Maybe. Maybe not. But what's the downside? I like to think that if I someone I knew, even not well, showed up with a black eye, I'd privately ask her about it. Not make a big deal about it, but let her know people are there for her. Maybe it would be awkward but it could make a difference. I dunno. Just thinking. I think a lot may depend on the general way you present yourself. If you carry on normally, assuming your typical disposition, then people are more likely to notice and decide there's not imminent danger and remain quiet to allow you to preserve some privacy. I recently saw an older gentleman, a friend, who had an enormous black eye and he had lost a significant amount of weight in the couple of years since I had seen him last, but he still projected the same sense of self. There have been a lot of cases of cancer in this group & I was concerned that he had cancer that everybody already knew about & that I would eventually hear about if that's what was wrong. About a week or two later, he turns up with an enormous black eye on the other eye, and this time I'm around when everyone asks him what happened, did he fall again. Turns out that he has just become more unstable on his feet and had two falls when trying to climb the curb and was not embarrassed or hesitant to talk about it. |
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 8:02:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2019 18:28:24 GMT
Play it for all you are worth and more! Lol
When husband and I were young and dumb, we had a headboard with shelves and cubbies. AND he would leave the the phone on the top shelf.
I was sound asleep, and he jumps up to run to the bathroom. Yup he knocked that phone off the shelf right on to my face. The whole side of my face was bruised and swollen.
Strangers will chase you down to ask you if you are safe!
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 10, 2019 18:32:52 GMT
I don't know if I would ask a stranger. A friend, yes, I'd ask.
I would not be upset if someone asked ME. I'd be glad they cared.
I had a black eye and a huge bandage near my temple after surgery. I told DH he probably should not go out in public with me! Everyone at work was too polite to ask about it. I wanted to answer "bar fight", LOL.
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Post by holly on Jan 10, 2019 18:33:48 GMT
Depends on how close I am to the person as to whether I’ll inquire. I got a black eye at a Carrie Underwood concert once. We were leaving in the throng of people and two drunk girls in front of me got into it a bit and one fell into me, basically head butting me in the nose. I saw stars and my immediate reaction was to push, so I gave her a good shove which almost started a fight with the men, lol. I had everyone asking me but I don’t recall strangers saying anything.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 10, 2019 18:35:11 GMT
i wouldn't bring it up unless they did. my hair dresser had a black eye a few months ago. i didn't say anything until she mentioned she fell down in front of her house. since i know her pretty well, i said "ok, (name), you can tell me if your husband did this to you." she laughed and said "i know but believe me, he's a small man and i could take him. second, he doesn't know how to hit". we had a good chuckle about it but i have to admit DV popped into my head for a sec when i saw the black eye.
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Post by tracyarts on Jan 10, 2019 18:38:40 GMT
I had a mishap once and gave myself a black eye.
I was on a day trip with my then boyfriend and one of my best friends since childhood. I had put my purse in the back seat of the car and when we got to our destination, went to get it out, pressed the lever to move the seat forward, and it whacked me hard in the face. I stumbled back, saw stars, nose bled everywhere, it was really ugly. The next day I woke up with a massive black eye.
My boss at the time was part of the same social circle as me (important later). She asked me what happened when I showed up at work, because no way would makeup cover it completely, and I told her. She didn't seem to question it. The matter was forgotten.
Years later, I was talking to another woman from that group of friends, and mentioned the guy I was dating back then and she said "oh I was so glad you got away from him, *former boss* told me how badly he used to beat you and that you'd come to work one day with a made up story about hitting your face with a car seat after he gave you a black eye". Turns out, my former boss took it upon herself to "spill the tea" about a juicy made up abusive relationship story about me and my ex.
I was so upset about the lies and rumor spreading that I wanted to vomit.
I cut ties with those women because they were toxic in general and never confronted my former boss about it. She died not too long after the rumor got back to me, so good riddance to human garbage.
I just hope that her lies didn't damage that guy's reputation in any way. He certainly didn't have anything to do with my black eye, and there was a credible witness to support that.
Unless you know the person well, MYOB, and don't construct any narratives.
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Post by jemali on Jan 10, 2019 18:51:24 GMT
My sister broke her wrist once when she was in-line skating. A lot of people asked her what happened.
Most people would feel good that people cared about them and just tell them what happened, right?
She would get really MAD and say it was none of their business. People weren’t interested in chatting with her before but now they were all nosy asking why she had a cast?
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Jan 10, 2019 19:01:06 GMT
I would only ask if it was a good friend or family. Or coworker. Otherwise, people are injured all the time, I don’t ask random people about their injuries.
My first thought about an injury isn’t abuse.
Obviously if someone close was always injured I would be concerned, but there would likely be more signs than just the injury that would lead me to be concerned.
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Post by liya on Jan 10, 2019 19:01:15 GMT
I think it is great that the trainer came up and asked you if everything was okay; at least she had the balls to ask. Maybe you would have told her the truth; maybe not but she asked. I would like to think I would ask but I am not sure. Truthfully it depends on the situation-many variables-who, where, type of relationship, etc. DH would ask in a heartbeat; he is that type of guy.
Edit: I suppose it would be easier to ask. "hey what happened?" than to ask "is everything ok at home?" so then you are not assuming an abusive relationship. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2019 19:04:05 GMT
My sister was a victim of DV so I am more sensitive to it than most people I think. I definitely would say something to a friend, ranging from full out questions to a simple *everything ok?* depending on how close I am to them. I probably wouldn't say anything to a stranger unless they made significant eye contact with me & I would then try to strike up a simple friendly convo about the nice weather or the quality of the fruit if we are at the grocery store and then gesture to my eye and ask *everything ok?* as kindly as I could (it all depends on how they react to eye contact & friendly convo and how many people are around). My experience is that sometimes people will let down their guard much faster (tears) with a stranger than with someone they know. But if you are going to ask a stranger be prepared with a resource to help them-don't just leave them with an *I'm sorry* and walk away.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 10, 2019 19:11:51 GMT
I think it would depend on how well I knew the person. If it was a family member or friend that I knew was in a relationship with an abusive jerk? Yeah, I’d ask. Family or friend that I knew was clumsy as all hell? I’d ask them, “What the heck happened to you this time?” Someone I only know casually? Probably not unless they bring it up first.
In full disclosure, once years ago I was goofing around with our 6 month old lab puppy on our bed and she popped me a good one right square in the eye with her front paw. I normally don’t wear any makeup, but it wouldn’t have helped in that case anyway because my black eye was obvious. I didn’t give people a chance to think it was anything other than complete stupidity and offered up the story voluntarily. I think most people are like that, when something happens that is so over the top, ” You will NOT believe how this happened!” they almost automatically tell the story before anyone has the chance to ask about it. It’s the people who don’t say anything and try to hide it that I tend to be more concerned about because they don’t want to spill the story.
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Jan 10, 2019 19:12:32 GMT
I'm not sure. It would depend on a lot of factors, but I have asked a couple of women in my life if they needed help.
Several years ago, I had a really dumb accident. I went into my now husband's car to get my sunglasses before work and the door slammed shut right as I turned around. The vehicle was lowered and I'm short; the corner of the door slammed into my face, right above my left eye. Anyway, after the initial pain, I noticed I was bleeding. I needed 6 stitches to close the cut and ended up with a pretty nasty shiner.
For weeks, well meaning coworkers and strangers would ask if I was okay - "really okay" - or give me pitiful glances. I appreciated the people who cared enough to ask.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 10, 2019 19:14:39 GMT
Yes, I have and I would again.
Not many years ago, I was that woman with a black eye here, bruise on my upper arm there, etc.
It was from abuse, and I wish I had been visible to someone, anyone.
At my last job, I worked in a low income neighborhood thrift shop. I kept the number to a woman's shelter in my apron pocket, and shared it.
I always asked when I saw bruises. Black eyes. Wrist, arm, and neck bruises.
Sometimes they would tell me a cause that was not abuse. Sometimes they'd admit abuse, but shrug it off. Sometimes they would just start to cry, and I would slip them a post it note with "Avon cosmetics" and the women's shelter number on it, and tell them they are not alone, and that they can reach out for help.
Also, I just want to share, but the way I first found the number to a domestic violence hotline was a card taped to a public bathroom stall door.
It took months for me to finally call.
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Jan 10, 2019 19:16:23 GMT
Yes, I have and I would again. Not many years ago, I was that woman with a black eye here, bruise on my upper arm there, etc. It was from abuse, and I wish I had been visible to someone, anyone. At my last job, I worked in a low income neighborhood thrift shop. I kept the number to a woman's shelter in my apron pocket, and shared it. I always asked when I saw bruises. Black eyes. Wrist, arm, and neck bruises. Sometimes they would tell me a cause that was not abuse. Sometimes they'd admit abuse, but shrug it off. Sometimes they would just start to cry, and I would slip them a post it note with "Avon cosmetics" and the women's shelter number on it, and tell them they are not alone, and that they can reach out for help. Also, I just want to share, but the way I first found the number to a domestic violence hotline was a card taped to a public bathroom stall door. It took months for me to finally call. I'm sorry for what you went through, and so glad you were able to get away from your abuser. The "Avon" card is a brilliant idea. How wonderful of you to reach out to other women. |
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Post by auntkelly on Jan 10, 2019 19:17:04 GMT
I wouldn't ask someone who had a black eye if there was trouble at home unless there were other signs of abuse.
If a friend had a black eye and I had no reason to suspect abuse, I'd probably say something like "your eye looks painful, are you alright?" I wouldn't press for details unless I had other reasons to suspect abuse. There are lots of reasons people get black eyes and any injury could be caused by abuse. If I had a broken arm I wouldn't want my friends asking if there was trouble at home.
I'm not a particularly private person, but I do find it intrusive when I have an injury and a complete stranger asks me about it. Therefore, I wouldn't ask a stranger about a black eye unless something else made me think the stranger might be in an abusive relationship.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 10, 2019 19:21:17 GMT
I think there is something to what leftturnonly said about how you present yourself. If it is with confidence and not attempting to layer 3 inches of foundation hoping to cover up the obvious black eye, I'm not as likely to wonder about possible DV being involved. TBH, if I was around anyone with a black eye I may say something like "ouch, hope that looks worse than it feels" and gauge their reaction in deciding whether to say anything more. |
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Post by KelleeM on Jan 10, 2019 19:26:12 GMT
I’m not sure I’d ask someone unless I was really close to them.
When I went to the ER with a ruptured globe (eyeball, basically) and no other injuries I was repeatedly asked if there were issues at home. An accident with a car door causing such severe damage isn’t an every day occurrence and I appreciated the concern.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2019 19:30:35 GMT
I think there is something to what leftturnonly said about how you present yourself. If it is with confidence and not attempting to layer 3 inches of foundation hoping to cover up the obvious black eye, I'm not as likely to wonder about possible DV being involved. TBH, if I was around anyone with a black eye I may say something like "ouch, hope that looks worse than it feels" and gauge their reaction in deciding whether to say anything more. Normally, I think I would have said something too, but I was in a group and everyone obviously knew what had happened. (I've been away.) I was reading his reactions as well as those of our mutual friends. |
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gina
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Post by gina on Jan 10, 2019 19:33:45 GMT
I had a huge black eye last month from dropping a plate on my face. Not one person asked me if everything was ok at home. I would have been offended as well! I would NEVER ask someone that if I wasn't really close to them.
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Post by malibou on Jan 10, 2019 20:00:07 GMT
The day before I started chemo I passed out while checking the mail. Smashed my glasses to pieces, scrapped my chin, cheek and forehead, and broke my nose. Lots of blood initially and two really swollen, black eyes as take home prize. I took myself to the ER. They called the police as soon as dh showed up.
The next day in the chemo room everyone looked horrified. I think they thought it was a side effect to my chemo.
I worked with all men. Lots of them asked.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jan 10, 2019 20:01:25 GMT
I’ve had a black eye and not from an accident. And I didn’t want anyone asking about it. Those that cared about me already knew I had the shit beat out of me.
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Post by busy on Jan 10, 2019 20:02:53 GMT
To make it clear: I *appreciate* that she asked. And I also appreciate how she asked it, because I think it would make it easier to be honest *if* there were something going on and I were ready to get help. People who are abused are well versed in making excuses for injuries/behavior and presenting themselves as if everything is normal.
I have trouble with our society's obsession with minding one's own business sometimes. Abusers commonly isolate their victims from family and friends, so only asking people you're really close to isn't probably going to help anyone. Or only asking if you think their spouse might actually be an abusive asshole. How often are people murdered - including women by their domestic partners - and people's reactions are "I never could have imagined he'd do something like that! He was such a nice guy."
I dunno. Just thinking out loud.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 10, 2019 20:04:43 GMT
Do you need help? is a question that could save a life!
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jan 10, 2019 20:06:51 GMT
To make it clear: I *appreciate* that she asked. And I also appreciate how she asked it, because I think it would make it easier to be honest *if* there were something going on and I were ready to get help. People who are abused are well versed in making excuses for injuries/behavior and presenting themselves as if everything is normal. I have trouble with our society's obsession with minding one's own business sometimes. Abusers commonly isolate their victims from family and friends, so only asking people you're really close to isn't probably going to help anyone. Or only asking if you think their spouse might actually be an abusive asshole. How often are people murdered - including women by their domestic partners - and people's reactions are "I never could have imagined he'd do something like that! He was such a nice guy." I dunno. Just thinking out loud. I dunno. I found it humiliating for others to know what I was going through. I’m smart and supposed to know better and everyone who found out immediately assumed I needed to leave. They also like to talk down to the victim. Like we’re stupid or something. Until that changes, a lot of victims will prefer to be left alone. Because I’ll take anything over being talked down to by people who don’t know me. |
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Post by busy on Jan 10, 2019 20:11:45 GMT
To make it clear: I *appreciate* that she asked. And I also appreciate how she asked it, because I think it would make it easier to be honest *if* there were something going on and I were ready to get help. People who are abused are well versed in making excuses for injuries/behavior and presenting themselves as if everything is normal. I have trouble with our society's obsession with minding one's own business sometimes. Abusers commonly isolate their victims from family and friends, so only asking people you're really close to isn't probably going to help anyone. Or only asking if you think their spouse might actually be an abusive asshole. How often are people murdered - including women by their domestic partners - and people's reactions are "I never could have imagined he'd do something like that! He was such a nice guy." I dunno. Just thinking out loud. I dunno. I found it humiliating for others to know what I was going through. I’m smart and supposed to know better and everyone who found out immediately assumed I needed to leave. They also like to talk down to the victim. Like we’re stupid or something. Until that changes, a lot of victims will prefer to be left alone. Because I’ll take anything over being talked down to by people who don’t know me. I appreciate your perspective and I'm so sorry for what you endured. |
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Jan 10, 2019 20:16:11 GMT
Thank you busy this is a very interesting subject for sure. As someone who’s found herself in need of help, I’ve been more reluctant to ask based on the reactions of others. They mean we’ll im sure but sadly, it doesn’t always come across that way. |
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Post by mrst on Jan 10, 2019 20:18:14 GMT
My dad was very 'handy' and I vividly remember a teacher asking me about a swollen ear. I said...cupboard door hit me ....how I wish I told him my dad hit me...a lot!
I was about 17 at the time.
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J u l e e
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Post by J u l e e on Jan 10, 2019 20:18:29 GMT
Not a black eye, but when I was in my 20s and going through a divorce I lost a lot of weight. I had so much going on in my life at the time, I don't even think I really noticed outside of loose clothes. I had three people approach me (someone at church and two people I worked with - none that I knew well) to say they noticed I lost weight and to ask if I was okay. Of course, I immediately said, "I'm fine." because I didn't feel like sharing about my divorce, but it made me feel good to know that if it were something I was sick with, etc., that people noticed/cared enough to ask. It also made me aware of how I looked and that I wasn't hiding things as well as I thought I was.
In the case of a black eye, I would probably say something like "what happened?". But I would guess most victims of domestic violence would give an excuse.
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