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Post by peano on Jan 29, 2019 15:14:52 GMT
I just finished reading this sad story. You must have missed the part where the husband states they built her empire together. Otherwise, although I've never dealt with Alzheimer's, and I'm not the type of person who NEEDS a romantic relationship, the arrangement they have makes me really uncomfortable and seems very dishonorable. Unless she would have condoned this type of relationship before she got sick, I think he's wrong. There's nothing that prevents him from having a friendship with this woman but don't move her into your house. And especially don't gloat about it on social media. Blech!
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 29, 2019 15:54:14 GMT
I see beautiful humanity when I look at this story. People with flaws and needs who are figuring out a new 'dance' to make their lives intertwine successfully.
I would venture to add that I bet he is a better caregiver to B for having some of his own emotional cup filled by that other relationship.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 19:16:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 16:10:21 GMT
This runs in my family so it’s something I’ve given quite a bit of thought. Not DH having a girlfriend live with us, but what I expect of/want from him if I am no longer “me.” I have no doubts he’d take care of me, but I have been thinking, what kind of life do I want for him? He doesn’t like talking about it, doesn’t like the idea of putting me in a special care facility. But if I’m not there and wouldn’t know the difference, I feel like it is holding his life hostage so he can be miserable watching me regress and slowly die. He disagrees, but I don’t want that for him, I’m in tears just thinking about it. So, my thought process at the moment is it seems they have found something that works for them and she is receiving loving care. I've had the exact same conversation with my husband, he's a good bit younger than me and the thought of him being my carer and having no life makes me feel sick. I've told him flat out to put me a home and go and do all the things he wants to do. After being a carer I don't want that lonely/isolated life for anyone.
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Post by psoccer on Jan 29, 2019 16:26:55 GMT
I watched my mom put her life on hold while she cared for my dad with Alzheimers. He stayed in their home, and they had a care giver in to help out. My mom stopped doing activities with her girl friends so she could be there. That took a very physical and emotional toll on my mom. Shortly before my dad died, my mom was diagnosed with dementia so the care giver just stayed. I don't fault him at all.
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Post by artgirl1 on Jan 29, 2019 16:32:47 GMT
You must have missed the part where the husband states they built her empire together. He was quite successful in his own right before their marriage, and I believe I read once that he had financed her restaurants. As a marketing professional, I am sure that he was able to steer her into the marketing and development of her brand. Lets not make assumptions that he is the freeloader in this situation.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 19:16:46 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2019 16:44:40 GMT
I understand the need for companionship. She was diagnosed six years ago and he and his daughter has been caring for her since. I guess what I'm uncomfortable with is that he's sharing one side of the story and has brought this other woman into their home and publicizing this relationship on FB. Yes, he is a better care giver now, but how much time does he spend caring for her? Why not hire someone to help with her needs? The article stated, "When B. was lucid, she and Dan sometimes clashed over his flirtations." That leads me to believe this wouldn't be what B. would want and as such, I think he should be more discrete. It's a unique dynamic for sure.
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Post by busy on Jan 29, 2019 16:53:43 GMT
You must have missed the part where the husband states they built her empire together. He was quite successful in his own right before their marriage, and I believe I read once that he had financed her restaurants. As a marketing professional, I am sure that he was able to steer her into the marketing and development of her brand. Lets not make assumptions that he is the freeloader in this situation. And even if none of that were true... many many very successful men have wives who do not work and we don't talk about them as freeloaders. There are many valid reasons for that and the reasons are just as valid when the genders are reversed and it's the wife who's very successful. Let's not be sexist pigs.
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Post by hockeyfan06 on Jan 29, 2019 17:03:02 GMT
While I believe he has to make his own choices, I do think he could be a bit more discreet. Out of respect for his wife. This X 100. I was thinking this exact same thing. Why does everyone have to know. Why did this make the news? I would not want my husband to announce to everyone that he has a girlfriend now. And now everyone is talking/gossiping about it. I think he has a bit of guilt and needs people to tell him it's okay. I also think it's hugely disrespectful to her. It is his business to do what he wants, but keep it on the down-low.
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Post by marmargirl on Jan 29, 2019 17:33:27 GMT
While I believe he has to make his own choices, I do think he could be a bit more discreet. Out of respect for his wife. This X 100. I was thinking this exact same thing. Why does everyone have to know. Why did this make the news? I would not want my husband to announce to everyone that he has a girlfriend now. And now everyone is talking/gossiping about it. I think he has a bit of guilt and needs people to tell him it's okay. I also think it's hugely disrespectful to her. It is his business to do what he wants, but keep it on the down-low.
I think it helps to read about the different ways families cope with these type of situations. Reading this definitely opened my mind up to the definition of what makes a family. I don’t think he’s bragging about his having a girlfriend on the side, just showing that she is now part of the entire caring, family unit and adds to the love and care that B. recieves.
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julieb
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Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Jan 29, 2019 18:05:29 GMT
Where does a man, who is taking care of his ill wife, find time to have a relationship with another women? Not getting it. Selfish of him regardless of B. not knowing. The fact is he took a vow and is breaking it. Not a fan of what he is doing - just my opinion.
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Post by hockeyfan06 on Jan 29, 2019 22:46:43 GMT
This X 100. I was thinking this exact same thing. Why does everyone have to know. Why did this make the news? I would not want my husband to announce to everyone that he has a girlfriend now. And now everyone is talking/gossiping about it. I think he has a bit of guilt and needs people to tell him it's okay. I also think it's hugely disrespectful to her. It is his business to do what he wants, but keep it on the down-low.
I think it helps to read about the different ways families cope with these type of situations. Reading this definitely opened my mind up to the definition of what makes a family. I don’t think he’s bragging about his having a girlfriend on the side, just showing that she is now part of the entire caring, family unit and adds to the love and care that B. recieves. Let's imagine marmargirl that your daughter had Alzheimer and her husband picked up a girlfriend, would you be cool with that? Or better yet your son had Alzheimers and your daughter-in-law got a boyfriend, moved in and set up shop like it's his place?
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Post by marmargirl on Jan 29, 2019 23:15:49 GMT
I think it helps to read about the different ways families cope with these type of situations. Reading this definitely opened my mind up to the definition of what makes a family. I don’t think he’s bragging about his having a girlfriend on the side, just showing that she is now part of the entire caring, family unit and adds to the love and care that B. recieves. Let's imagine marmargirl that your daughter had Alzheimer and her husband picked up a girlfriend, would you be cool with that? Or better yet your son had Alzheimers and your daughter-in-law got a boyfriend, moved in and set up shop like it's his place?
I absolutely would (my mother, brother, sister...) as long as he/ she was being cared for and loved. To me, this has nothing to do with “setting up shop” and everything to do with accepting that life isn’t easy and there’s more than one way to have a loving family. I can’t imagine not wanting a loved one to have some tenderness and love in their life simply because they feel guilty when I don’t even remember them. I guess I’m not tied to traditional definitions of family.🤷🏼♀️
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Post by artgirl1 on Jan 29, 2019 23:50:14 GMT
And even if none of that were true... many many very successful men have wives who do not work and we don't talk about them as freeloaders. There are many valid reasons for that and the reasons are just as valid when the genders are reversed and it's the wife who's very successful. Let's not be sexist pigs. And I was referring to this particular situation, as the implication was that he was living off her success, not as a generalization. Let's not be sexist pigs. This is the type of statement that stops participation and was unnecessary to the argument.
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SweetieBsMom
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Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jan 30, 2019 0:04:04 GMT
My first thought is it is their business. As is my second thought. I seriously would NEVER judge anyone in a situation like this. It is absolutely horrific and thoroughly mind-numbing to care for someone who has such a serious illness. I have not read the story, but if he's taking care of her, then he gets to make these decisions himself. If he is not taking care of her, i.e. she is in a home, then that is also fine as well. This just has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone other than them.
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Post by busy on Jan 30, 2019 0:32:58 GMT
And even if none of that were true... many many very successful men have wives who do not work and we don't talk about them as freeloaders. There are many valid reasons for that and the reasons are just as valid when the genders are reversed and it's the wife who's very successful. Let's not be sexist pigs. And I was referring to this particular situation, as the implication was that he was living off her success, not as a generalization. Let's not be sexist pigs. This is the type of statement that stops participation and was unnecessary to the argument. I AGREE with you. And the "Let's not be sexist pigs" isn't about what you said, but the OP's attitude about him.
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Post by hockeyfan06 on Jan 30, 2019 0:57:41 GMT
Let's be real here. The girlfriend is there for I'm sure admirable reasons like love, kindness, compassion. But do think she would be there if it were not for a multi-million dollar house, nice cars to drive, them owning a restaurant and the husband has lots of money. Come on folks, she would absolutely not be there if they all lived in a shack! Besides, I don't think they are with B. 24/7, watching her, keeping her company, playing board games. The husband can definitely afford hired help to watch her while he goes out to wine and dine the girlfriend. Call me cynical, miserable and judgemental but I don't think its right. Why can't he just divorce her and move on with life? Cause it looks BAD. Through sickness and in health were my vows.
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Post by katiejane on Jan 30, 2019 0:58:03 GMT
I have no idea of her presentation or how she feels about her husband. But if they find it works for them and B is cared for its OK.
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TheOtherMeg
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Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Jan 30, 2019 1:11:09 GMT
Fortyfive years ago, in my 99% Catholic/Mormon neighborhood (big old homes, so good for those big families), there was a man and a woman who were each taking care of spouses with dementia, as well as each raising a house full of children. And I do mean houses full of children. The Bs had 13 kids and the Ss had 10. At some point, it became known that Mr. B. and Mrs. S. were very quietly spending time together. According to my mom, who told me this (about the "dating") several years later, like decades later, none of the adults in the neighborhood did a thing about it. They rightly felt very sorry for everyone involved and did their part by just minding their own business. BTW I don't remember it being called Alzheimer's back then. It was actually often referred to as "going through his/her second childhood."
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Post by hockeymom4 on Jan 30, 2019 2:24:58 GMT
I see beautiful humanity when I look at this story. People with flaws and needs who are figuring out a new 'dance' to make their lives intertwine successfully. I would venture to add that I bet he is a better caregiver to B for having some of his own emotional cup filled by that other relationship. This last sentence, I feel is the most important statement that can be made..... if this is what is helping him to continue to loving care for his wife then I say good on you. My FIL has Alzheimer’s and caring for him is literally killing my MIL. We live in Canada and they live in Northern Ireland.... FIL still remembers and can have a limited conversation, he has his good days but unfortunately the bad days are increasing and he takes it out on MIL..... he is been in the hospital for a month and it has finally been decided (by medical professionals which thankfully takes some of the guilt off MIL) that he can no longer be cared for In the home. If FIL was sent home I honestly believe my MIL would not last much longer.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 30, 2019 6:39:49 GMT
I'm going to applaud him for being up front and honest about what is going on in his life and how horrible this disease is for anyone caring for a loved one as they decline. I don't begrudge him finding love and happiness and someone that can help rather than insisting B be sent to a care home. I get that not everyone will agree or understand where he is coming from, but there just isn't a one size fits all solution to getting on with your life while facing dementia in a loved one. I had a great meal at B. Smith in Manhattan in 2010 and was incredibly sad to hear of her diagnosis. The most important thing IMHO for an dementia patient is to be well cared for in a happy environment and it certainly looks like that is what B is experiencing. He hasn't abandoned her, but the reality is she isn't his wife for many years either. FTR, I hate the characterization that he is living off her financial success. FWIW, my mom has dementia and hasn't known her family for many years. One of the most heartbreaking stories I had to hear was her telling me she regretted not getting married or having children. She is married, has five kids and 10 grandchildren.
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Post by dewryce on Jan 30, 2019 8:29:50 GMT
I'm going to applaud him for being up front and honest about what is going on in his life and how horrible this disease is for anyone caring for a loved one as they decline. I don't begrudge him finding love and happiness and someone that can help rather than insisting B be sent to a care home. I get that not everyone will agree or understand where he is coming from, but there just isn't a one size fits all solution to getting on with your life while facing dementia in a loved one. I had a great meal at B. Smith in Manhattan in 2010 and was incredibly sad to hear of her diagnosis. The most important thing IMHO for an dementia patient is to be well cared for in a happy environment and it certainly looks like that is what B is experiencing. He hasn't abandoned her, but the reality is she isn't his wife for many years either. FTR, I hate the characterization that he is living off her financial success. FWIW, my mom has dementia and hasn't known her family for many years. One of the most heartbreaking stories I had to hear was her telling me she regretted not getting married or having children. She is married, has five kids and 10 grandchildren. Oh sweetie that must have killed you, I’m so sorry! (((Hugs)))
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 30, 2019 13:13:07 GMT
I thought this was pretty interesting discussion. I kind of felt like I came down on the side of she isn't able to really be his wife anymore, he's taking care of her, and I'm alright with him having a companion.
Then I asked Jeremy...and his opinion is that this is disrespectful and morally wrong and a violation of his wedding vows. I had no idea he felt so strongly.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2019 14:38:22 GMT
jeremysgirl that is exactly how the conversation with my DH went, and I was also (pleasantly)surprised. He thought it was great that the guy was making sure she was well cared for but shitty that he had used her illness to justify having a mistress.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 30, 2019 14:41:29 GMT
jeremysgirl that is exactly how the conversation with my DH went, and I was also (pleasantly)surprised. He thought it was great that the guy was making sure she was well cared for but shitty that he had used her illness to justify having a mistress. At least we know that if we are in this boat in the future our husbands are definitely going to step up to care for us!
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Post by annabella on Feb 15, 2019 21:12:50 GMT
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2019 21:40:53 GMT
Nope nope nope, this leaves an icky taste.
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