Husband has live in girlfriend with Alzheimer wife

When we put my MIL in a memory care facility, the stories we heard were heartbreaking and real. Youngest there was 36, oldest in their 90's.

We deal with our own family members who say they understand that MIL won't know them, but want her to see them because she'll remember "them".
No she won't, but we've learned to step back and let them have at it. They're surprised and saddened and then get it - sort of.

My friend just found out her husband has it - she has uprooted their retirement in Arizona to come back to our area because support is nearby (and because the adult living community they were in pulled away because they were no longer a normal couple). As a caretaker, she needs support; as a wife, she's missing her husband. She can't work or leave him for more than an hour, but hopefully now they're local, she'll be able to see friends and breathe.

B. Smith will have no memory of her husband (and new memories are erased almost immediately). The article says she is angry so her husband found something that works where he has a life while still caring for her in her home and the care isn't rotated with multiple caregivers. Kudos to the "other woman" who is in the home with them.

Who's to say what's "right" in these situations? Definitely not anyone who hasn't walked in those shoes.

If they are taking care of her, then this is nobody’s Business.

Watching my mom take care of my dad, and then ultimately needing to put him in a care center when it physically and mentally became too hard.... I absolutely don't judge Dan and Alex. It is a lonely, sad existence for the "remaining" spouse so if he wants to have companionship, more power to him.

This is exactly what I am thinking too. Is it perfect? No. But what is perfect or normal in this situation. Until I have walked in the same steps I have no allowance to judge and even then, not. Good for him for finding some kind of balance that works for now. And bless the woman who is with him for being agreeable to the situation. I am sure he isn't the first and it seems there was an actor a few years ago in a similiar situation.

My aunt was such a girlfriend once upon a time. She was hired to be the wife's caretaker long after the woman had lost any semblance of who she used to be. After several months the husband and my aunt started a relationship. We visited the home before the romance began and it was quite clear that both the husband and my aunt truly loved the wife. And that the wife had no clue who either of them were. About a year into the relationship my aunt found a different job but the relationship continued. 

When the wive died the husband felt guilty and broke off the relationship. 

I don't judge this situation either. Dementia and alzheimers is a nasty horrible disease that sucks the life from all around them. I think that those who are caring for their loved ones deserve any kind of kindness and respite they can find.

If there is no issue with her care- not my business

For myself personally I would prefer my spouse stayed faithful to me until my death. In the moment of course I would not know, but today in full possession of my faculties I would prefer he fulfilled that vow (in sickness or in health til death us do part) and then considered himself free to do as he pleased after the fact.

It’s not up to me to tell someone else what they should do in this circumstance, but that is what I would prefer for me and also what i hope I would do.

But really, what does "faithful" mean? Is it just sexual/romantic, or does it mean caring for the beloved's needs and preserving their dignity as a human being?

If I were in a demented state and permanently not able to be his partner, it would be totally ok with me if he had a girlfriend, as long as I was cared for and not mistreated. But I think every couple should make their own choice.


I find nothing wrong with how this family is coping with a heartbreaking situation.

As far as the “couple” making this choice, do you think they discussed such a scenario before, when she was mentally capable of consenting to the arrangement? An interesting component of a living will/medical directive.

I don’t have a problem with it, if the wife is well care for. The husband could put her in a facility and walk away and never even visit her, that would be much more cruel.

If it works for them great.

But he doesn’t have to post it on Facebook. That part just doesn’t feel right to me.

This.

This runs in my family so it’s something I’ve given quite a bit of thought. Not DH having a girlfriend live with us, but what I expect of/want from him if I am no longer “me.” I have no doubts he’d take care of me, but I have been thinking, what kind of life do I want for him? He doesn’t like talking about it, doesn’t like the idea of putting me in a special care facility. But if I’m not there and wouldn’t know the difference, I feel like it is holding his life hostage so he can be miserable watching me regress and slowly die. He disagrees, but I don’t want that for him, I’m in tears just thinking about it. 

So, my thought process at the moment is it seems they have found something that works for them and she is receiving loving care.