ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:24:27 GMT
My 7 year old nephew is nothing short of an unparented heathen. I’m sick and tired of every family gathering (dinner once a week plus holidays) being dominated by his uncontrolled behaviour. Screaming, temper tantrums, demands everyone do what he want, full control of the tv, etc. My sister won’t let me interfere with him (although she jumps all over my kids for every minor little thing). My mom feels sorry for my sister. I’ve mentioned how tiresome this is to my mom, but she won’t do anything. I’m at the point where I’d like to say we’re going to leave when he misbehaves but that will cause a huge family rift and the only result will that I will become a scapegoat. Any thoughts? I’m so exhausted by it I’m seriously considering booking a therapy appointment just to discuss it. Please save me $100 and have some really good ideas.  ETA: Lots of additional info throughout thread. We have a plan for dealing with this moving forward, and I’ve addressed my concerns and shared my plan with my mom and sister (and shared here on page 4, I think). |
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Post by christine58 on Jan 29, 2019 14:26:12 GMT
If your sister can interfere with your kids..look and him and tell him to knock it off. Seriously. Why put up with this shit?? Or start and leave when he acts up. Enough
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Post by gar on Jan 29, 2019 14:26:30 GMT
I know your sister won't let you interfere but is she open to discussions? Can you talk to her?
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:27:44 GMT
If your sister can interfere with your kids..look and him and tell him to knock it off. Seriously. Why put up with this shit?? Or start and leave when he acts up. Enough I have tried but my sister freaks out on me and my mom tells me to stop. Gathering up my four kids in the middle of dinner or before feels unfair to them too, so I’d like to leave that for an absolute last resort. |
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:27:56 GMT
I know your sister won't let you interfere but is she open to discussions? Can you talk to her? nope. |
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 29, 2019 14:28:24 GMT
I would not subject me or my family to that kind of nonsense. Who says you have to go every week for dinner? I wouldn't care if it caused a rift or not. Looks like you need to establish some boundaries asap.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jan 29, 2019 14:28:47 GMT
Tell him. And her. If she can order your kids about, then you can do the same with hers. Especially if the little shit is acting up in your house. Rift? Good.
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Post by leannec on Jan 29, 2019 14:30:01 GMT
Well, I'm a teacher and I have no problem with bringing out my "teacher voice" when any child is acting like a jerk ... I wouldn't hesitate to say something to the child even if my sister didn't like it  Maybe this would clue your sister in if everyone started saying something every time the child acted out? Geez, what a conundrum ... my dd's were never allowed to be PITA's  |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:32:20 GMT
I’ve spent a good while telling this kid no. It goes way beyond that.
I really don’t want to be the bad guy here!! This is awful.
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Gravity
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Jan 29, 2019 14:33:39 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis.
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Post by gar on Jan 29, 2019 14:33:42 GMT
I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet. You can't tell him, you can't tell her, your sister won't tell him, your Mum won't tell anyone...one of the adults here is going to have to make a few waves in the short term at least, unfortunately.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:33:56 GMT
I haven’t had my family at my house since October when he completely ruined my daughter’s family birthday dinner. I start getting a panic attack just thinking about it. We get together at my mom’s, which means I’m third down the list of having a say in this.
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:35:21 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis. my mom does that whole emotional blackmail thing. She’s made the price of saying no so steep it’s not even worth it. I don’t even “talk” to her any more. You can only agree with her. |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 29, 2019 14:36:27 GMT
I'd seriously limit my time there. My nieces/nephews aren't to that level but whenever we're at family gatherings and they're acting up (running/wrestling inside, being loud, etc) my youngest will join in so I feel like I have the right to correct them all, or say to my kid (loudly enough for their parents to hear) "you need to knock it off or come sit by me, they're not my kid so its up to their parents to yell at them", usually gets the point across and the other parents get on their kids too.
You have at least a couple of teens and I'd imagine they hate this too, if they're stuck being around said stinker I'd give them permission to say "I don't want to hang out with you when you're acting like that" and leave the room (actually I'd give any kid permission to say that regardless of age as long as they can do it without being totally rude).
If none of that helps and there's no reason for the behavior (special needs, etc) then I'd start leaving early, life's too short to be anxious every week due to an undisciplined kid.
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Jan 29, 2019 14:39:48 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis.  talk to your mom and tell her that you need a break. Maybe your actions will be a catalyst for change. Seven is too old to be ruining events. Does he have some diagnosed (or maybe undiagnosed) reason for his behavior? Does he go to school? |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 29, 2019 14:41:14 GMT
Gathering up my four kids in the middle of dinner or before feels unfair to them too Talk to them ahead of time. My guess is they're just as frustrated and wouldn't mind getting the heck outta there when he's being a jerk. |
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Post by mellowyellow on Jan 29, 2019 14:43:40 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis. my mom does that whole emotional blackmail thing. She’s made the price of saying no so steep it’s not even worth it. I don’t even “talk” to her any more. You can only agree with her. Read or listen to the book "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, Feeling Guilty" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. My parents do the whole emotional blackmail/guilt thing too and I've had to stand up for myself. It's total bullshit and I've had enough. They are currently not talking to me because I didn't act/react the way they thought I should have.  |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:44:53 GMT
My two youngest (7 and 5) love their cousin and enjoy playing with him and on days they know we’re seeing him don’t stop asking all morning when it’s time to go over. My two eldest are likely happiest in their own bedrooms so doubt they’d mind leaving much. |
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Post by librarylady on Jan 29, 2019 14:45:13 GMT
Is it possible he has an undiagnosed emotional problem?
Does he function well in school?
I would limit time with him.
As someone else mentioned--state, "I have to leave when you act like this" and then leave. If you leave 4-5 times, someone's behavior will change....your mother, your sister or child..
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:45:57 GMT
my mom does that whole emotional blackmail thing. She’s made the price of saying no so steep it’s not even worth it. I don’t even “talk” to her any more. You can only agree with her. Read or listen to the book "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, Feeling Guilty" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. My parents do the whole emotional blackmail/guilt thing too and I've had to stand up for myself. It's total bullshit and I've had enough. They are currently not talking to me because I didn't act/react the way they thought I should have. I’m also in the difficult place in that my mom does a lot for my kids since my husband and I separated since I currently don’t have a car. So I can’t afford to alienate her. |
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amom23
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Post by amom23 on Jan 29, 2019 14:46:20 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis. my mom does that whole emotional blackmail thing. She’s made the price of saying no so steep it’s not even worth it. I don’t even “talk” to her any more. You can only agree with her. You are an adult who makes her own decisions. Your mom bullies you because you let her. I've taken breaks from my mom in the past too. We had a difficult niece on DH's side so I've sorta been there done that too. No way no how would I be having weekly dinners regardless of the situation. |
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Post by dewryce on Jan 29, 2019 14:47:35 GMT
Take a break from family dinners for a month or so. You wouldn’t hang out with a friend once a week whose child is so poorly behaved. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you have to put up with it on a weekly basis. my mom does that whole emotional blackmail thing. She’s made the price of saying no so steep it’s not even worth it. I don’t even “talk” to her any more. You can only agree with her. I had a similar situation with my sister. Not about her child’s behavior but being unhappy about something but not able to say something for fear of repercussions. After years upon years of dealing with it I finally stood my ground. She was nasty, as expected, and we are not speaking right now. The lack of drama and emotional manipulation in my life has been wonderful. I don’t miss the relationship we had because it was at that point of not being able to speak with her. Hopefully one day she will be able to talk about it, until then I’m not being emotionally blackmailed and can enjoy the time I do have with the rest of my family. |
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ashley
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Post by ashley on Jan 29, 2019 14:48:01 GMT
I’m not sure if he has an undiagnosed problem. I’ve asked my sister to have him tested — she claims the school says it’s not necessary. And yes, he’s been in school full time since JK (he’s in grade 1 now). I think he does behave poorly at school on occasion, just not to the extent he does with family (prob because he has boundaries at school)
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 29, 2019 14:48:04 GMT
Does your nephew have a behavioral issue/disability? From what you have said, I'm guessing your sister won't get him tested?
Honestly, I'd stop attending the family dinner and if you mom and sister are mad, so be it.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 29, 2019 14:49:53 GMT
I know your sister won't let you interfere but is she open to discussions? Can you talk to her? nope. Then nothing will change...what if one of your kids looked at him and told him to cut it out?? Seriously though...you either need to talk to your mother and sister or deal with it |
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wellway
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Post by wellway on Jan 29, 2019 14:50:53 GMT
I can't even relate to this, no parent I know would tolerate this behaviour. It would be shut down so fast by the parents or other adults present. This child is learning there are no consequences for his behaviour.
Time for an adult to intervene, talk to your sister without your Mum present, phone or meet for a coffee. Ask what happens at school or wherever he interacts with non family members. If he's an angel on those occasions then he is playing your sister at family events. If he is exhibiting the same traits to non family then it's time for plan of action. Tell her you will support her but unless she deals with it now his teenage years are going to be a nightmare.
Time to show your children how to be treated. Take a break, don't tolerate the emotional blackmail, you cannot create a new environment without upsetting the apple cart.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 29, 2019 14:53:16 GMT
I'm going to suggest you spend the $100 and talk with a therapist. You are in a situation where you view your hands as tied and unable to act. A good therapist should be able to help you see the other options, because there are always other options. My breaking point with that kid would have come long ago though and I would have bowed out of the dinners. I have zero patience for unruly kids and annoying family members though. I'm amazed you are still dealing with the situation.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 29, 2019 14:53:59 GMT
life's too short to be anxious every week due to an undisciplined kid. Add to that the reality that you cannot change other people's behavior, you can only change your own. They can't - or won't -change their behavior in allowing this little boy to behave badly and disrupt every family function. So what can YOU do? You have enough stress in your life. Don't let this seven-year old hijack any more of your sanity. You basically have three choices. Deal with him in the moment and suffer the wrath of your mother and sister for doing so. Avoid him and the situation by no longer attending these family events/dinners. Or finally, achieve some 'zen state' where you can just float above what's happening (kind of a not my circus, not my monkeys approach.) The choice to pick is the one that will cause YOU the least amount of stress and anxiety... and only you can answer that. |
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Post by bbkeef on Jan 29, 2019 14:54:49 GMT
How old are your kids? Don't they get sick of it and say something to him? Your mom could at least say "we don't do that in this house". When we were say under 10 and being a little sh!t, I guarantee you older cousins stepped in and said "knock it off". Someone needs to set the rules/boundaries.
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Post by PolarGreen12 on Jan 29, 2019 14:58:09 GMT
Not a terrorizing toddler but a alcoholic/addict cousin. We are a few years apart in age and used to be very close friendship wise. Until she starting doing drugs in her late teens.
I usually host the big family Christmas Eve dinner. This years she was so shit faced she almost fell into the tree twice. She rambling incoherently about nonsense. Gets way to close. She shouted things at people when they took too long opening gifts during Dirty Santa, she steals toiletries and food. It goes on and on. I get such anxiety while she’s in my house. And everyone enables her and takes care of the fuck ups she does. I don’t.
I told the other family members who tend to host for various holidays that I’m taking a break from hosting anything in 2019. That’s my solution for now.
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talk to your mom and tell her that you need a break. Maybe your actions will be a catalyst for change. Seven is too old to be ruining events. Does he have some diagnosed (or maybe undiagnosed) reason for his behavior? Does he go to school?
