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Post by mom26 on Feb 13, 2019 3:13:31 GMT
Thank you mom26 for sharing your experience. That information gives me more information regarding a different perspective. I value that. I value everyone's contributions on this thread. Posting here always gives me other perspectives to think about and that is exactly what I'm looking for. You are really an awesome person, jeremysgirl. I love how you take all perspectives and give them true consideration. If only more people did that, this world would not be the hot mess that it is. And my experience is mine. It may not be yours and you have to do what is right for your family. People say parenting is hard. Well, step-parenting is BRUTAL. Nothing is black and white. Nothing.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 3:20:21 GMT
Thank you mom26 for sharing your experience. That information gives me more information regarding a different perspective. I value that. I value everyone's contributions on this thread. Posting here always gives me other perspectives to think about and that is exactly what I'm looking for. You are really an awesome person, jeremysgirl. I love how you take all perspectives and give them true consideration. If only more people did that, this world would not be the hot mess that it is. And my experience is mine. It may not be yours and you have to do what is right for your family. People say parenting is hard. Well, step-parenting is BRUTAL. Nothing is black and white. Nothing. Thank you and you are exactly right about step-parenting. I am trying to do right by all these kids as best I can. It isn't equitable no matter how much we try. This one needs braces and this one does not. This one needs $300 for volleyball and this one only gets a $50 pair of shoes to run track. And that's not even going into the dynamics of what each parent is bringing to the table emotionally for the kids. I remember exactly the moment for me when I realized that it wasn't going to be one big Brady bunch episode. My DD was 12 years old. Jeremy and I were getting ready for him to pick up his girls for the daddy daughter dance. He left and my DD had a complete meltdown. She just kept saying, my dad never took me to a dance and now I'm too old. It's not always about monetary things where inequities are felt between the kids.
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Post by Zee on Feb 13, 2019 3:20:38 GMT
I think in order to avoid hurt feelings she is owed an explanation, that your kids' grandparents bought the cars.
But I also would rather forego a vacation and spend that money helping my kid have a reliable vehicle, because I don't care that much about vacations as long as I get to go camping once or twice in the summer.
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Post by mom26 on Feb 13, 2019 3:27:54 GMT
You are really an awesome person, jeremysgirl . I love how you take all perspectives and give them true consideration. If only more people did that, this world would not be the hot mess that it is. And my experience is mine. It may not be yours and you have to do what is right for your family. People say parenting is hard. Well, step-parenting is BRUTAL. Nothing is black and white. Nothing. Thank you and you are exactly right about step-parenting. I am trying to do right by all these kids as best I can. It isn't equitable no matter how much we try. This one needs braces and this one does not. This one needs $300 for volleyball and this one only gets a $50 pair of shoes to run track. And that's not even going into the dynamics of what each parent is bringing to the table emotionally for the kids. I remember exactly the moment for me when I realized that it wasn't going to be one big Brady bunch episode. My DD was 12 years old. Jeremy and I were getting ready for him to pick up his girls for the daddy daughter dance. He left and my DD had a complete meltdown. She just kept saying, my dad never took me to a dance and now I'm too old. It's not always about monetary things where inequities are felt between the kids. No, it is not. And I could write a book about scenarios just like yours that we weathered. My heart has broken so many times, I don't know how it's still beating. In the end, the only thing you can do is love them and want the best for them. Be honest about what you can and cannot do, what you can and cannot control. Kids are - as I'm sure you know - much smarter than they are given credit for. They appreciate the honesty, even if it means they won't hear what they want to. The benefit of that is trust, and that's worth everything to a kid.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Feb 13, 2019 4:20:59 GMT
Reading your posts here about the coparenting of each of your kids, it seems like you guys are not the same page with raising them equally. That’s got to be stressful on the marriage. 🙁
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Post by jamielynn on Feb 13, 2019 4:26:40 GMT
That’s a super tough one, and blended families can be tough.
Your kids bought their cars. I think if he puts a set amount of money toward hers, the others get that too.
I don’t think it’s fair the whole family skips vacation to get one child a car. I also don’t think it is fair that the two older kids that bought their cars with their savings should share them either if that comes up.
I’m curious what is decided you will have to update us.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 4:53:26 GMT
Reading your posts here about the coparenting of each of your kids, it seems like you guys are not the same page with raising them equally. That’s got to be stressful on the marriage. 🙁 Truthfully, I think we disagree a lot less than I did with my ex. And the dynamics in a blended family are much more complicated than in a nuclear family, IMO. I think he brought it up this soon so we could get a game plan together. I really appreciate that we are trying to solve a problem before it becomes a problem.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 13, 2019 5:06:19 GMT
Put me on the ‘nope’ bench. Your older kids paid for their cars themselves with money they had essentially saved for a long time (bonds take years to mature). If you really want to be fair, the younger ones should have to do the same and buy their own.
I get it that it might seem like DS got sort of a bonus by buying DH’s used vehicle, but that was most likely more due to lucky timing than anything else. If you and DH wouldn’t have been in a position to upgrade DH’s vehicle right at that time, DS would have been spending his available money on a different car that you knew less about but he still would have been getting a car with his own money.
Definitely beat the ex to the punch and bring it up with DD sooner than later so her expectations are reasonable going in, and well before she expects to find a car in the driveway on her birthday. I find that things typically go over so much better when things are explained calmly and matter-of-factly long before we’re in the thick of a situation that could get sticky. Explain that she should start to think about what she can do to help earn the money she will need for a car and its ongoing expenses before she will be allowed to get one.
I would add that ANY kid who is allowed to get a car regardless of how it’s paid for is lucky. My mom flat out wouldn’t even consider letting me get my license, much less a car, until I was 18 even if I paid for it myself because it would have made HER insurance go up even if I wasn’t on it. My older siblings did a lot of stupid stuff (like the time one brother accidentally drove through the garage door), so they effectively ruined it for the rest of us younger ones. We walked, rode our bikes, took the bus or begged for rides from friends that did have cars to get where we wanted to go. She wouldn’t even let me use her car to practice for my on the road driver’s test. Life isn’t fair.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2019 5:31:34 GMT
Your DS paid off the loan on the car with his bond money. Was the car worth more than the loan? If so, I think it only fair to set aside some money to help contribute towards buying his DD a car.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Feb 13, 2019 10:36:05 GMT
mom26 and kibblesandbits serious question for the two of you. You would be alright with your DH making the decision to give your vacation money to one of your five kids without clearing it with you? I am actually thankful my DH brought this to me so we could discuss it together before she gets her license and come to a decision together. We haven't had a vacation together in five years, since our honeymoon. We were planning a long weekend in New Orleans in September. Re-read, please. I flat out said that your vacation money was untouchable. *Edit* - I have discussed here before that I am not only a step-parent, but now also a step grandparent. I've been stepping for 28 years now. There isn't a scenario that we haven't worked our way through by now. In the end, you two are going to have to be on the same page about this and other huge decisions that are headed your way. Think buying a car is complicated? Wait until the weddings start . . . If your husband is going to play the guilty dad part and just throw money at a situation instead of dealing with the realities, then that's on him and you're not necessarily going to be able to change that. Believe me, I KNOW. However, you're going to have to draw boundaries around your family finances. So, if he's all guilty about cars, let him do the car thing. But he's going to have to do it outside of your family budget.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 13:19:34 GMT
Your DS paid off the loan on the car with his bond money. Was the car worth more than the loan? If so, I think it only fair to set aside some money to help contribute towards buying his DD a car. The car was worth less than the loan. We sold the car to him at the Kelley blue book price. And we paid the difference which was about $600. He had enough bond money left for six months worth of insurance. We honestly weren't planning on buying DH truck at the time we did. It was a good deal and the timing was off. We had planned to wait until spring to shop for it. I feel like we did what was fair and what we would have most likely had to do had we sold it to someone else.
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Post by pjynx on Feb 13, 2019 14:20:28 GMT
Your DS paid off the loan on the car with his bond money. Was the car worth more than the loan? If so, I think it only fair to set aside some money to help contribute towards buying his DD a car. The car was worth less than the loan. We sold the car to him at the Kelley blue book price. And we paid the difference which was about $600. He had enough bond money left for six months worth of insurance. We honestly weren't planning on buying DH truck at the time we did. It was a good deal and the timing was off. We had planned to wait until spring to shop for it. I feel like we did what was fair and what we would have most likely had to do had we sold it to someone else. Your comment right there is what my answer is based on. You SOLD him the truck at a fair price. You did not give it to him. Plain & simple. You paid off the loan balance beyond what you got from the sale (which you would've had to do anyway if you had sold to a stranger). If dh's dd doesn't have a bond to buy a vehicle, she needs to start saving somehow. When the time comes, you can help her find a vehicle at a fair price. Enjoy New Orleans! It's one of my favorite places to visit Pam
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Post by workingclassdog on Feb 13, 2019 14:28:44 GMT
Ummm the truth be told to his kids.. whether they believe you or not...
We had a similar situation in our family although there were no issues. My dad and stepmom got married when all of us kids (we were all teenagers, I was the oldest).. we all lived together (except my sister who lived with my mom).. there was four of us. Growing up, my sister and I were always told we would have to buy our own cars. BUT stepmom always told her kids that she would buy their first cars. By the time they got married I had already had a car or two.. (lol).. anyways, one Christmas after her youngest turned 16, we all had a family dinner out and presented us all with cars.. (nothing fancy.. all used and older), including me (which at the time I just happened not to have a car). She said, after all it's fair to everyone. So there was no issues in some kids getting a car and the others not.
That being said, I was old enough to realize that if she bought her kids cars and I didn't get one, it would have been fine. I wouldn't have made a big deal about it. It did touch me though that she considered her stepkids in her plans though.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2019 14:35:44 GMT
Your DS paid off the loan on the car with his bond money. Was the car worth more than the loan? If so, I think it only fair to set aside some money to help contribute towards buying his DD a car. The car was worth less than the loan. We sold the car to him at the Kelley blue book price. And we paid the difference which was about $600. He had enough bond money left for six months worth of insurance. We honestly weren't planning on buying DH truck at the time we did. It was a good deal and the timing was off. We had planned to wait until spring to shop for it. I feel like we did what was fair and what we would have most likely had to do had we sold it to someone else. Then I don’t think you have to set aside any money. I can still understand your DHs desire to help his DD out, but not at the expense of your vacation fund.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 14:44:46 GMT
kibblesandbits said: So, if he's all guilty about cars, let him do the car thing. But he's going to have to do it outside of your family budget. I don't know how this would be possible short of him getting a second job. All our money is family money. We pool all our money together because we need to. We don't have a ton of money. We certainly aren't in a position to fund 5 cars. That's why I also let you know that he has three daughters. So what we would do for one, we'd have to do for the other two as well. I gave details on the vacation because I wanted you guys to see that there just isn't a lot of extra funds. If we did an annual vacation that cost a significant amount of money then we could afford to give it up for a year and put that money toward a car. But that's not our lifestyle.
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Post by mygigiscraps on Feb 13, 2019 15:00:51 GMT
As much as you try to be fair in these situations, there will always be times, blended family or nuclear, when one child feels like the other got more. But yeah, blended is harder because you don't have the option of controlling all the variables. I can completely understand where it would hurt your husband to see his children living with less because their mother isn't doing as well financially. I cannot imagine knowing that I was living better than my minor children were able to, and my heart goes out to him. Sometimes having things not be your fault doesn't mean it isn't a problem. Unfortunately there is no easy fix.
I agree with others that the time to discuss this with his daughter is now, before it even becomes an issue. I would also take that time to discuss it with each of the other kids, because whatever you do right here, right now is going to set the precedent going forward for every other child.
It probably won't be popular opinion, but here is mine. I would prepare myself to do everything I could to level the playing field. Yes, your children got savings bonds that have been used to pay for their cars. However, those bonds were a gift. It isn't the fault of your stepkids that they were given no such help. Provided that your stepdaughter and any of the other kids gets a job, keeps their grades up, and helps with paying for the associated expenses, I would absolutely prepare to help them get a car when they hit the 17/18 year old mark, just like the boys. (at age 15 or 16, no way) If they need a ride to work so they can save, I'd be the most helpful stepmom in the history of the world and offer to drive them whenever I could. One day those kids are going to grow up and realize how their own mother played things with you and their dad. They'll look back and see that you were a mom to them because you wanted to be, and they'll love you all the more for it.
As for using the vacation money, my understanding is that the vacation is a long weekend couples' getaway, not one for the entire family. If you wait until his daughter is the same age as your sons were, will that give you enough time to save up and be able to help her? If so, take the trip. If not, I hate to say this, but I would prepare to stay home, but still send the kids to wherever they were going while you were away. You can cook up some creole food, put on some jazz music, light a few candles, and have a romantic time right there. It's not the same, but it's better than nothing.
There should be a fairy godmother somewhere for the parents of teenagers.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 13, 2019 15:02:41 GMT
Your DS paid off the loan on the car with his bond money. Was the car worth more than the loan? If so, I think it only fair to set aside some money to help contribute towards buying his DD a car. The car was worth less than the loan. We sold the car to him at the Kelley blue book price. And we paid the difference which was about $600. He had enough bond money left for six months worth of insurance. We honestly weren't planning on buying DH truck at the time we did. It was a good deal and the timing was off. We had planned to wait until spring to shop for it. I feel like we did what was fair and what we would have most likely had to do had we sold it to someone else. With this added information, it really cements my original answer which was that your DS *BOUGHT* the car, he wasn’t *given* anything. I would encourage the younger ones to start saving up their birthday and Christmas money now and think about what they can do to earn some money (baby sitting, dog walking, mowing grass, shoveling snow) they can put away so they will have a small nest egg to put toward their future vehicles when the time comes. Sometimes reality sucks and they will just have to deal with that.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 13, 2019 15:16:06 GMT
If DS' bonds did not fully pay off the loan on the car he ended up with, I would probably give the DD the same amount. Your dh needs to tell his kids that your kids cars were bought with bonds they had been given by family members when they were young and that is what they chose to do with them.
I think your DH is looking for an excuse to buy his DD a car.
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suzastampin
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Post by suzastampin on Feb 13, 2019 15:32:31 GMT
I’d be sitting the whole family down and explaining exactly how your 2 were able to pay for their own cars so that everybody knows what’s going on. Since your children were older when they got their cars, it’s time to tell the 15 yr old that she has plenty of time to earn money towards a future car for her. Your two children pay for their insurance. At 15, would she have a way to do this?
I know some parents like to keep the family money situation to themselves, but in this instance the 15 year old and all the younger children should be given the facts so that they know what they need to do to get their own cars.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 16:03:26 GMT
I can completely understand where it would hurt your husband to see his children living with less because their mother isn't doing as well financially. I cannot imagine knowing that I was living better than my minor children were able to, and my heart goes out to him. Thank you for saying this. It made me really think about things from his perspective. We have a good marriage. We have our own house. I have a good job. He has a good job. We have decent vehicles. We have money for medical care. We can afford to meet our needs and have a little bit of money left for wants. We don't have a lot, but we have enough. In their other house, his kids don't have the same kind of security. I can see how he might feel bad if he's off enjoying a vacation when there are needs not being met. I admit, I often feel resentment (not towards him or the children) but towards his ex-wife for making poor choices all of the time. I've got to let that go a bit and just realize that we aren't going to change her so if we want better for the kids, we are probably going to have to provide it.
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Feb 13, 2019 16:20:37 GMT
Tell them the truth and that you did not buy the cars for them. Their grandfather did. Life isn't always fair and just because you turn 16, it doesn't entitle you or anyone to get a car. I applaud him for wanting to discuss it.
Just be aware that if you buy the younger ones a car, you will have to deal with your kids as to why they had to use "THEIR" money to buy a car. That will not end well.
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Feb 13, 2019 16:21:09 GMT
I haven't read any of the replies yet, but I think you should do as your husband suggested. His daughter is only going to see it as unequal treatment, and it will stay with her for the rest of her life. Your son may have gotten DH's old car, but if you had traded it in it had a $$ value and you gave that value to your son - even if he did pay the difference himself. I was not treated equally by my father and step-mother and it effected my self-esteem my entire life. Is a vacation worth that?ETA: Now that I've read the other replies I see it a little differently. I do think there should be a contribution made towards her car. Where's the equality with her kids then? It goes both ways. And over my dead body would vacation funds be used for this.
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Feb 13, 2019 16:37:40 GMT
If DS' bonds did not fully pay off the loan on the car he ended up with, I would probably give the DD the same amount. Your dh needs to tell his kids that your kids cars were bought with bonds they had been given by family members when they were young and that is what they chose to do with them. I think your DH is looking for an excuse to buy his DD a car. The car was worth less than they owed. She said they sold it to him at the Blue Book value. Meaning they wouldn't have got the loan paid off by a stranger or by a trade in value.
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Post by kristi on Feb 13, 2019 16:44:32 GMT
I am fortunate that my step dad would have done anything for me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that now more than ever.
I think you need to explain to her now how they got their cars and that they worked, pay for insurance, etc. While they had help from grandparents - they did not get a free ride.
Tell her that if she wants a car, she will need to work & be prepared to pay the associated costs & you can discuss when she is 17.
If she works & can pay for insurance, I would then assist with some sort of payment for her to get a car.
Life is not fair & blended families aren't fair. At the end of the day, its about doing what we can to help others & based on your description of her mom/home life, I would definitely help her out regardless of not helping out your kids.
That being said, I would go on your vacation. Getting away & investing in your marriage is worth every penny!!!
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Feb 13, 2019 17:12:25 GMT
kibblesandbits said: So, if he's all guilty about cars, let him do the car thing. But he's going to have to do it outside of your family budget. I don't know how this would be possible short of him getting a second job. All our money is family money. We pool all our money together because we need to. We don't have a ton of money. We certainly aren't in a position to fund 5 cars. That's why I also let you know that he has three daughters. So what we would do for one, we'd have to do for the other two as well. I gave details on the vacation because I wanted you guys to see that there just isn't a lot of extra funds. If we did an annual vacation that cost a significant amount of money then we could afford to give it up for a year and put that money toward a car. But that's not our lifestyle. Then he and his ex-wife are going to have to put together a plan, even if it's "buy your own cars, kiddos". It still has nothing to do with you, and does not hinge on what happened with your kids. Your position is "not our vacation money". Stick to it. He'll figure it out. Trust me. Boundaries. They work. It's HARD to put them in place, but once they are, all future decisions get easier. I'm just going to say, he'll continue to quibble and do extra and chink away at your budget as long as you let him. I know how hard this is. It just isn't easier if you're feeling taken advantage of. It's not your fault mom isn't stepping up. Your husband is doing what he is required, and more it sounds like. If he honestly can't see the difference in this situation, and be able to verbalize that to his kids/ex, then there's going to be a lot more situations just like this in the future. And where will you be? Working extra so his ex-wife can under perform. Your choice. Good luck. It's a sucky situation.
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Post by my.unquiet.mind on Feb 13, 2019 17:41:46 GMT
I think you both need to sit down and explain the situation to his daughter. You never know how she’ll react and it’s possible that she may completely understand and be fine with everything. If that turns out to be the case, you will have saved yourselves a lot of unnecessary stress and worry. If she does react poorly, you can always reassess the situation and go from there.
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Post by auroraborealis on Feb 13, 2019 18:19:10 GMT
Like many have said, I think I would talk to all the younger kids about how the older kids obtained their cars through saving the bonds from their grandparents, but they are responsible for all other expenses. They can start saving their money for a car if that's a priority, and start learning about all the expenses and responsibility in owning a car. You have to work a good deal to pay for a car, and I personally think the kids can be 17 (or older!) before they tackle that.
I would also say, they can also delay buying a car and saving their money longer, and you and your husband will support them in their savings in making family car sharing work (with your cars, not your older kids who bought theirs), if that can work for you. I would try to support the savings habit, be it for a car in the future, college, or whatever, to encourage their financial sense. With limited resources at the moms, it may be s smart decision on any of the younger ones part to use a family car (paying for gas, or how you decide) and save more for the future, focus on school, etc., to help them see a good path towards financial stability and feeling in control. One or more of them may delay buying a car a bit and it could end up being pretty smart.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Feb 13, 2019 18:36:12 GMT
My sister went away to school and my parents paid for it and bought her a car. When I became of age I stayed home for school but wanted a car to drive to campus. I asked my parents for the equivalent of what they gave my sister and I would put it towards my car. They shrieked and screamed no. A couple of weeks later, I guess after thinking about it, they agreed to an amount. Less than she got but what I was happy.
Giving your dd an amount you think might be useful based on the fact that the others had help, even if it’s just a small amount towards her first car (and if she’s not ready now than in the future when she is ready but discuss it now) seems equitable to me. Even if that amount just helps with insurance or gas for a few months - it’s the thoughtfulness that matters.
I wouldn’t give up vacation to buy her a car when you didn’t buy the others. But the conditions surrounding your kids’ cars doesn’t have to equal her conditions. It doesn’t mean, though, that you can’t help her at all.
My mom took my sister on a tropical vacation when she graduated from her professional degree. When I graduated from my professional degree a vacation wasn’t even mentioned. It’s always made me feel like they thought less of my professional degree than they did hers - we were in school the same number of years. Her career was maybe more prestigious. Who knows. I’ll never know because I won’t bring it up. Maybe there was some situation like you’re describing with grandparents are a good deal, I don’t know.
Good luck. I hope everything works out.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 13, 2019 19:30:52 GMT
I can completely understand where it would hurt your husband to see his children living with less because their mother isn't doing as well financially. I cannot imagine knowing that I was living better than my minor children were able to, and my heart goes out to him. Thank you for saying this. It made me really think about things from his perspective. We have a good marriage. We have our own house. I have a good job. He has a good job. We have decent vehicles. We have money for medical care. We can afford to meet our needs and have a little bit of money left for wants. We don't have a lot, but we have enough. In their other house, his kids don't have the same kind of security. I can see how he might feel bad if he's off enjoying a vacation when there are needs not being met. I admit, I often feel resentment (not towards him or the children) but towards his ex-wife for making poor choices all of the time. I've got to let that go a bit and just realize that we aren't going to change her so if we want better for the kids, we are probably going to have to provide it.
Personally I think for a 16 year old, a car is a want more than a need. I would absolutely not spend my vacation money on what amounts to a big time want for one kid. I realize it does somewhat depend on where you live and what other resources there are in your area for kids to get where they need to go. We live in a fairly car dependent area so kids in our neighborhood would need a ride of some sort to get to jobs, shopping, school, etc. but it’s still doable. When I was younger we lived in the city and had good access to city buses and that’s how we got around, or we rode our bikes. My mom almost never drove us anywhere. However, there are now already four licensed drivers in your household and all have vehicles. Even if 15-16yo doesn’t have a car of her own there are still a number of ways she can get where she needs to go whether that means her driving one of your cars sometimes, setting up a carpool with other kid’s parents, enlisting friends who have a car, the bus, a bicycle, Uber, walk. I would imagine that up until your older two had cars the kids all managed to get where they wanted to go and the younger ones will figure it out too.
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Post by MsChiff on Feb 13, 2019 21:37:33 GMT
I think I'd go with the "whatever we do for one we need to do for all" train of thinking and tell him if he wants to cancel the family vacation and put that money towards a car, he needs to do it for the oldest child (which if I understand correctly is one of your children) first and then y'all can forego vacation for three more years to provide the other three children with the same reward.
I will never understand why parents today think that because their child is old enough to drive, the parents need to provide a car. In my family, we weren't able to get a car until we could pay for it; that includes purchasing the car, paying registration and insurance and paying for gas, tires, etc. And we turned out just fine. In fact, we all have much more respect for our vehicles than do most of the people who were 'gifted' cars.
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