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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 12, 2019 23:31:59 GMT
These are always interesting threads so here's our situation.
My DD is 18 and my DS is 17. Both of them have cars. When my kids were young, my dad bought them savings bonds. They used the savings bonds to purchase their cars. They are also responsible for paying insurance. DS just got DHs old car. We took the bond money and paid off the loan on it.
Now his daughter is 15 and taking drivers training. Last night he confessed that he was worried that it appeared as though we had bought my kids their first car because of the hand me down to my DS and that his DD was going to be angry if we don't contribute to a car for her.
My position was that we needed to explain the situation to his kids. There's a 13 year old and a 9 year old DDs too. And that we needed to be straight forward that we didn't buy either of my kids a car and that we aren't buying his kids a car either. I told him if he was worried about appearances he should have said something, and that we should have sold his car and let DS pick out a car himself. But we chose to do it this way because we knew the cars history and it was in good shape.
His position is that it doesn't matter how we say it, it looks bad on us. And that we should forgo our vacation money this year and give the money to his DD for her birthday this year to buy a car.
So what would the peas do?
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Post by stingfan on Feb 12, 2019 23:37:31 GMT
To me, it sounds like he's just using appearances as an excuse to buy his dd a car. He's already said that doing so is more important than going on vacation.
If he didn't want to get her one, he'd explain the reality to her and she could choose to accept it as truth/fact or not.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Feb 12, 2019 23:39:28 GMT
uh no. maybe you can give her a contribution towards a car for her bday. does she have any bday money in an account or money from other family members like your kids did?
each situation is unique. if your kids and his kids have been treated fairly by both of you and you are honest then hopefully it will go smoothly.
tough situation but i think can be navigated reasonably without instantly rolling over and buying her a car. i would not feel good about your DHs suggestion.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Feb 12, 2019 23:45:11 GMT
Kids don’t always see the reality of situations and will perceive unfairness when it isn’t there, especially with “step” siblings. I would definitely talk with the 15 yo and set expectations. It’s unfortunate she didn’t have savings bonds she could cash in, through no fault of her own, and she’s likely to see that as unfair. That’s a valuable life lesson as there will always be people who have had a leg up. That being said, I would do whatever I reasonably could to help her, even if that’s helping her figure out a way to earn some money.
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Post by breakfastattiffanys on Feb 12, 2019 23:47:47 GMT
Your son got a car at 17. His dd can wait until she’s 17, you will then have time to save a little for her and she can plan to save money as well towards a car.
I think the fact that her dad’s car went to her stepbrother may cause hard feelings, but perhaps if you delay by age (17), it will help ease the tension.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 12:39:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 23:50:05 GMT
Does the girl have a job? Can she cover the expenses of a car? Is she saving for a car? If the answer is no then,
Nope, not only will you be responsible for taking care of the car, but you will be paying insurance and handing over money for gas.
I would give her $500 toward buying a car.
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Post by Pahina722 on Feb 12, 2019 23:50:09 GMT
Tell the daughter the truth: your kids’ grandfather funded their first car by way of savings bonds. If she feels slighted, she can talk with HER grandfather and see if he is willing to buy her a car.
This is one of the sucky situations that blended families run into. There is no way to fix it that will leave everyone feeling treated fairly. How would your kids feel if their stepfather buys his daughter a car when he didn’t buy one for them? Is that a better situation?
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PLurker
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Post by PLurker on Feb 12, 2019 23:54:11 GMT
that's a tough one.
by the same token, the kids had to use their own (bond) money so if other kids get money toward a car does is it fair to those who had to pay out of their funds? or do you feel obligated to then pay them back?
TBH I would, as a teen, have been more bothered by one of my step siblings getting something for nothing that I had to pay out of my funds to make it fair than a step sibling having something I did not.
are you willing to go down the "then we should pay the bonds back" path?
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Post by mom on Feb 12, 2019 23:54:51 GMT
There would be no way I would ok using vacation funds so that his daughter could get a car.
The reality is - your children saved (using the bond) for their cars. So unless the daughter is saving her money for a car, then she wont have one. I *might* give her a little for her birthday/christmas to go with her saved money, but there is no way I would OK using the family vacation fund to give her a car.
Life isn't fair. And things are not always going to appear to be 'even'. You and your DH will end up driving yourself nuts if you start trying to keep everyone happy and convinced everything is fair.
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Feb 13, 2019 0:00:26 GMT
I think you should let him do what he wants regarding his own kids. Perhaps he and his ex-wife should come up with a plan to provide the kids with cars. That's their business, and has nothing to do with what your kids got. I wonder what his issue really is? He must be smart enough to see the difference in the situation.
HOWEVER - taking "family money" - the money you and he contribute together towards a vacation is a big fat NO.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 0:06:01 GMT
that's a tough one. by the same token, the kids had to use their own (bond) money so if other kids get money toward a car does is it fair to those who had to pay out of their funds? or do you feel obligated to then pay them back? TBH I would, as a teen, have been more bothered by one of my step siblings getting something for nothing that I had to pay out of my funds to make it fair than a step sibling having something I did not. are you willing to go down the "then we should pay the bonds back" path? Yes that what exactly what I was thinking. My DD will be on fire about it. Because her dad doesn't even send a birthday card or a Christmas gift. Nothing extra. And we are constantly buying his kids things. Part of the problem here is that their mother doesn't have much money. So my DH always feels like he wants to go the extra mile to provide for his kids. And we often do. I understand his thinking. This year my DD was originally signed up for community college. And we did the FAFSA and she got nothing but loans approved. Thankfully she found her scholarship program. His kids are definitely going to qualify for Grant funding due to their mothers financial situation. My DS will have to take loans. That's not fair either. I also made this argument. |
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Post by BSnyder on Feb 13, 2019 0:07:21 GMT
Your husband didn't give the car to your son, your son bought it with his bonds, given to him by his grandfather. It was your son's money and he bought an available car. Would you expect your daughter to be jealous because your DH didn't offer her a car to buy? And, how would your kids feel when they find out they had to pay their own way, but your DH's children received cars as gifts? Fairness goes more than one way.
I grew up in a blended family. I get it. My stepbrothers had money to pay for their college (private, not public) in full due to money left to them from their grandparents. When it was time for me to go to college, if I wanted to go, I had to figure out a way to do it on my own. My mom and stepfather didn't have the money. Was I annoyed and disappointed? Yes. Did I begrudgingly understand? Yes. Am I holding a grudge? No.
My point is, be direct, be fair and she will understand. She may not like it, but she should get it. And in the long run, all your kids will appreciate that they were treated equally. After all, a car is not a necessity for a school-age teen, so earning it is not a terrible expectation.
I should also add using family vacation money for a non-necessity/emergency is a big NO for me.
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kate
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Post by kate on Feb 13, 2019 0:11:44 GMT
THIS year? GIVE her the money? Nopity nope nope nope.
Your kids spent THEIR money and waited until age 17. I think it's a great idea for dad to have the talk with his DD that "Now is a great time to be saving up for a car, so that when you're ready (to be able to pay insurance, etc.), you'll be able to buy one."
If I had spent my own money on a car, I'd be quite put out if my parents then decided to cancel our family vacation to buy one for a sibling - step or not step!
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Feb 13, 2019 0:18:09 GMT
I agree with the idea that catering to his daughter’s possible sense of inequality and resentment could actually create a real sense of inequality and resentment for your kids. Maybe if you explained it that way he may come around. I’ve always had the sense your dh is respectful of your feelings and takes into account your opinion. (From things you’ve posted)
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Feb 13, 2019 0:56:45 GMT
Absolutely do NOT spend your vacation money on a car for the kiddo.
Will she be able to pay for insurance? What about gas?
Any chance kids can SHARE a car?
For the record, I don’t plan to purchase a car for either of my kids. They can work and save up to get a car. I also will not be paying insurance or giving gas money. I’m a mean mom tho.... no cell phone until they can pay for it themselves either,
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Post by cindytred on Feb 13, 2019 1:06:56 GMT
I haven't read any of the replies yet, but I think you should do as your husband suggested. His daughter is only going to see it as unequal treatment, and it will stay with her for the rest of her life. Your son may have gotten DH's old car, but if you had traded it in it had a $$ value and you gave that value to your son - even if he did pay the difference himself.
I was not treated equally by my father and step-mother and it effected my self-esteem my entire life. Is a vacation worth that?
ETA: Now that I've read the other replies I see it a little differently. I do think there should be a contribution made towards her car.
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Post by mom26 on Feb 13, 2019 1:08:29 GMT
I think you should let him do what he wants regarding his own kids.  |
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Post by crafty on Feb 13, 2019 1:16:51 GMT
If your kids would have chosen to use their bond money for something else, were you going to buy cars? No. So I’d explain that.
I would start that conversation ASAP rather than waiting until she’s a licensed driver. How does he know she expects a car? It seems like how the cars came to be would have naturally happened along the way.
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Post by malibou on Feb 13, 2019 1:46:55 GMT
Has dd already brought this up with her dad, or is he speculating?
There is no way vacation money should be used to benefit one person. And that he is suggesting it for a 15 year old, who is not even old enough to legally drive it yet, says he is the one with the issue.
I would make a point of explaining to her how each of your kids came to have cars when they turned 17. That they would not have those cars if their grandparents hadn't given them the money and if they couldn't pay their own insurance, gas and maintenance.
It is most definitely a tricky situation and certainly one that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later, starting with your dh.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 1:53:51 GMT
mom26 and kibblesandbits serious question for the two of you. You would be alright with your DH making the decision to give your vacation money to one of your five kids without clearing it with you? I am actually thankful my DH brought this to me so we could discuss it together before she gets her license and come to a decision together. We haven't had a vacation together in five years, since our honeymoon. We were planning a long weekend in New Orleans in September.
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IAmUnoriginal
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Feb 13, 2019 1:54:00 GMT
I’d tell him that if you’re paying for his DD’s car because of “appearances,” you will also be refunding the money your kids spent on their own vehicles. You’re either buying all 3 kids their first car or none of the kids their first car. His choice, but if his DD gets a free car, so do yours.
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Post by padresfan619 on Feb 13, 2019 1:58:19 GMT
If she’s old enough to drive she’s old enough to get her own car. Sit her down and explain how your kids afforded their cars.
If your husband is worried about how it looks he’s going to have to get over it or explain to people how your kids ended up with their cars.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 1:59:14 GMT
malibou at this point I think he's just speculating. Actually I know he's expecting his ex-wife to put a bug in DDs ear and start creating trouble. There is a history of this kind of behavior in the past. We have 9 months until her 16th birthday. So I think last night he was just opening the topic up for discussion. So we have time to figure out how best to address this before we are caught off guard. If you remember, (if you are a spreadsheet keeper...lol) I posted last summer about a miscommunication that happened in regard to this DDs frenectomy. We ended up paying for the entire surgery. But it caused an argument between us because it was not discussed ahead of time between us.
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Post by mustlovecats on Feb 13, 2019 2:06:27 GMT
Just my opinion of course, but I would explain to her how the first two cars were purchased, and I personally would try to add some value to her first car just as the other two had value added to their first cars. Will it be equitable no, will it go a long way toward family unity and goodwill I think yes. Maybe she can work to earn some money and you match it, or you use an upcoming bonus or other money to help out her car purchase. Our family isn’t blended but we do try to provide as much opportunity to each child as we can even if they have different interests and needs and also our financial situation has changed at different times.
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Post by malibou on Feb 13, 2019 2:27:50 GMT
malibou at this point I think he's just speculating. Actually I know he's expecting his ex-wife to put a bug in DDs ear and start creating trouble. There is a history of this kind of behavior in the past. We have 9 months until her 16th birthday. So I think last night he was just opening the topic up for discussion. So we have time to figure out how best to address this before we are caught off guard. If you remember, (if you are a spreadsheet keeper...lol) I posted last summer about a miscommunication that happened in regard to this DDs frenectomy. We ended up paying for the entire surgery. But it caused an argument between us because it was not discussed ahead of time between us. Sounds like dh learned his lesson from last summer.  Good on him for being proactive. I think I would try to beat her mother to the punch by honestly discussing this now. Perhaps you can offer that if she earns and saves her money - as opposed to someone giving her a chunk of money - that you guys can match some of it when she turns 17 as long as she is in the position to handle the expense of car ownership. |
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 13, 2019 2:37:59 GMT
malibou at this point I think he's just speculating. Actually I know he's expecting his ex-wife to put a bug in DDs ear and start creating trouble. There is a history of this kind of behavior in the past. We have 9 months until her 16th birthday. So I think last night he was just opening the topic up for discussion. So we have time to figure out how best to address this before we are caught off guard. If you remember, (if you are a spreadsheet keeper...lol) I posted last summer about a miscommunication that happened in regard to this DDs frenectomy. We ended up paying for the entire surgery. But it caused an argument between us because it was not discussed ahead of time between us. Sounds like dh learned his lesson from last summer. Good on him for being proactive. I think I would try to beat her mother to the punch by honestly discussing this now. Perhaps you can offer that if she earns and saves her money - as opposed to someone giving her a chunk of money - that you guys can match some of it when she turns 17 as long as she is in the position to handle the expense of car ownership. Great advice. |
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sassyangel
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Post by sassyangel on Feb 13, 2019 2:45:15 GMT
mom26 and kibblesandbits serious question for the two of you. You would be alright with your DH making the decision to give your vacation money to one of your five kids without clearing it with you? I am actually thankful my DH brought this to me so we could discuss it together before she gets her license and come to a decision together. We haven't had a vacation together in five years, since our honeymoon. We were planning a long weekend in New Orleans in September. I would not be. I think it actually *IS* unfair to do something like that with that money, to right something that is only perceived to be unfair at face value. It is good he bought it up now and you do have time to decide what to do about it. I understand his need to compensate for the things their mother can't do for them, but it shouldn't be at your expense completely either. There has to be a balance. |
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Post by mom26 on Feb 13, 2019 2:56:02 GMT
mom26 and kibblesandbits serious question for the two of you. You would be alright with your DH making the decision to give your vacation money to one of your five kids without clearing it with you? I am actually thankful my DH brought this to me so we could discuss it together before she gets her license and come to a decision together. We haven't had a vacation together in five years, since our honeymoon. We were planning a long weekend in New Orleans in September. No, I would not. However, as a blended family (2 + 2 + 2) I have been through pretty much all scenarios. Including the one you find yourself in now. And more than once. What I know is that the kids who had help from other sources were NOT upset that their step/half-siblings got help from us when needed. They knew they had an advantage that their steps and halves did not. And not that it matters, but DH and I have not been on a real vacation* in.....25 years. We'll be married 24 years this March. Just a little trivia.  *We've visited family maybe 6 or so times, but I don't consider that a 'vacation'. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Feb 13, 2019 2:59:39 GMT
Thank you mom26 for sharing your experience. That information gives me more information regarding a different perspective. I value that. I value everyone's contributions on this thread. Posting here always gives me other perspectives to think about and that is exactly what I'm looking for. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 13, 2019 3:12:42 GMT
I would start a discussion with her her now regarding how to value cars using your son as an example. That way there's no confusion about how the car was paid for and you won't have to worry about "looking bad" FYI I see that as a huge red flag to your husband's actual feelings. Does he actually feel like you guys helped your son with the car as the loan amount wasn't the actual value of the car - it was my first thought in reading your OP. If you gave your son a bit of help by selling the car to him fro less than it was actually worth, you should contribute the same amount to the other children. If he truly bought it for what it's worth, it's a good lesson for her on how to go about valuing a used car.
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Good on him for being proactive. 
