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Post by beaglemom on May 15, 2019 18:00:22 GMT
I will be the first to admit that my mother in law isn't my favorite person. And due to some things in the last couple months I am even less inclined to bend over backwards for her. So I know my judgement is clouded on this and I am wondering what the peas say.
She is retiring after almost 40 years from working at a local university as an English as a second language teacher (mostly with foreign exchange students). My husband got an email inviting him to a retirement event for her:
My husband will be out of town doing a triathlon. I will be at home with our 4 kids. We do not have a reliable babysitter. I don't have memories of her teaching to share. Other than my father-in-law it is likely that I won't know anyone else there.
I feel slightly guilty because her family sucks and they aren't planning anything else to celebrate her retirement. But again because of current family drama I am not going to step up to plan something else. And there is no way that either of her daughters are going to make the effort to come out here for it (if they were even invited). But I really don't want to go.
If my dh was in town I would figure out the babysitter situation and go, but I just feel like this is not something I should have to do. Dh forwarded it to me with the note "This is when I'm in xxxxx unfortunately, but you may want to go so forwarding..."
What say the peas?
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278 
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on May 15, 2019 18:02:52 GMT
I'd say no. This sounds more like an event for coworkers/colleagues, not a friends and family event.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
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Post by Loydene on May 15, 2019 18:04:30 GMT
I am not one who bows to family dynamics - but in this case, I think you've got a perfect out -- and it is what I thought you were going to complain about -- you aren't invited.
Your husband got an email -- a generic email, not one even to the honoree's son -- telling him about an event and said he could bring +1. What the ever-loving Fork?!?
You don't have to go -- you weren't invited and you husband isn't going so there isn't a +1.
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Post by ~summer~ on May 15, 2019 18:07:37 GMT
I think you are fine not to go.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 15, 2019 18:09:17 GMT
I'd say nope.
You weren't directly invited. He's not even going, so you are under no obligation to go.
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Post by katlady on May 15, 2019 18:10:27 GMT
Are kids allowed? Most retirement events I go to, the immediate family usually puts in an appearance. But they are usually really casual affairs, at a meeting room at the workplace. In this case, at someone’s home, I would probably pass.
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Post by twinks on May 15, 2019 18:13:43 GMT
You don't need to go. First of all, it is for co-workers. At our retirement parties, we will invite spouses and children. It is nice to see the family but their attendance isn't mandatory. Secondly, the invitation was sent to your DH. DH can't attend. Therefore you don't need to attend as the +1 - there is no +1.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 30, 2024 22:41:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2019 18:16:42 GMT
I am not one who bows to family dynamics - but in this case, I think you've got a perfect out -- and it is what I thought you were going to complain about -- you aren't invited. Your husband got an email -- a generic email, not one even to the honoree's son -- telling him about an event and said he could bring +1. What the ever-loving Fork?!? You don't have to go -- you weren't invited and you husband isn't going so there isn't a +1. I TOTALLY thought you were going to be mad about not being invited, holy cow that is crappy! DH gets an invite to his own mother's party and gets a +1??? Good grief! |
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MaryMary
Pearl Clutcher
Lazy
Posts: 2,975
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Post by MaryMary on May 15, 2019 18:16:58 GMT
Nah, you don’t have to go to that.
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Post by Basket1lady on May 15, 2019 18:18:58 GMT
If it’s close by, I’d say go. Take the kids, stay for 15 minutes for a photo with Grandma, and then leave.
On the other hand, maybe she doesn’t want the kids there. Can you ask her?
My parents loved to show off the grands, but wouldn’t have wanted them to stick around for the chaos that four kids can bring.
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Post by peace on May 15, 2019 18:19:51 GMT
another no- don't even give it another thought.
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Post by colleen on May 15, 2019 18:19:53 GMT
Maybe send flowers?
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on May 15, 2019 18:20:15 GMT
If her own son can't go. Then nope.
I would send her a nice retirement card. Maybe some flowers.
But yeah it's more a work thing...if your DH was able to go then yes you should attend. But not on your own.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on May 15, 2019 18:25:04 GMT
I will add I went to my mother's retirement party and dragged my DH with me. They really are a work thing.
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Post by mikklynn on May 15, 2019 18:25:38 GMT
I would make every attempt to go. It's his mother and he is unable to attend.
I'd ask if she wants the grandchildren there and if it's ok to do so.
Stay a short time.
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Post by beaglemom on May 15, 2019 18:27:12 GMT
So funny that is what I was already planning before this invite came. Her roses got torn out a couple of years ago and I know she misses them. I was going to try to find a couple nice rose bushes to replace the ones she lost. To answer a couple questions/comments. We are local we see them about once a week. My kids are 8, 6, 3, 1 - if they were a little older I would consider taking them for a little bit, but wearing the 1 year old I would be chasing the 3 year old and it is at her bosses house - which I have no idea if it is child appropriate. And since it only had the +1 I didn't think it would be appropriate to take them. I responded to dh's email and said I didn't really want to go without him and the hassle of getting a babysitter. And he said No that's fine, I'll just send my regrets. So I am in the clear! Yay!! |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on May 15, 2019 18:29:17 GMT
I would ask my DH if it is important to him whether or not I attend. If didn’t matter to him, I probably wouldn’t go. If smoothing the family drama would be a good thing, then going couldn’t hurt.
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Post by 950nancy on May 15, 2019 19:08:55 GMT
It sounds like a work thing where people didn't even take the time to invite family personally. To me, that means they really aren't requesting your presence.
No way I would go if hubby wasn't going.
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Post by bessieb on May 15, 2019 19:14:57 GMT
Nope - you are off the hook for this one :-) There is no +1 if the person you are the +1 for cant attend!
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Post by mikklynn on May 15, 2019 19:40:55 GMT
Oh, yes. The children are too young for the boss's house.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
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Post by cycworker on May 15, 2019 19:53:09 GMT
So funny that is what I was already planning before this invite came. Her roses got torn out a couple of years ago and I know she misses them. I was going to try to find a couple nice rose bushes to replace the ones she lost. To answer a couple questions/comments. We are local we see them about once a week. My kids are 8, 6, 3, 1 - if they were a little older I would consider taking them for a little bit, but wearing the 1 year old I would be chasing the 3 year old and it is at her bosses house - which I have no idea if it is child appropriate. And since it only had the +1 I didn't think it would be appropriate to take them. I responded to dh's email and said I didn't really want to go without him and the hassle of getting a babysitter. And he said No that's fine, I'll just send my regrets. So I am in the clear! Yay!! I was totally in the 'don't go,' camp, surprisingly. Then I saw the email your dh forwarded you, & I find myself wondering if he's really 'fine' with you not going. I could be misinterpreting a tone, but the whole, 'in case you want to,' read to me like a passive "I'd really like you to...' That said, I think even if you didn't organize a big family thing due to whatever is happening with the family dynamics, maybe have the inlaws for lunch as a celebratory thing & give her the gift of the rose bush? |
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Post by littlemama on May 15, 2019 20:02:55 GMT
Yes, you should go.
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,501
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Post by AmandaA on May 15, 2019 20:05:01 GMT
I see your update that you are off the hook so to speak. I would probably make a point of telling her you were sorry to have missed the reception when DH was out of town (and you had all of the kids) regardless of wether or not you wanted to go. This may be a bigger dal to her than you and I wouldn’t risk hurt feelings over it if it were me.
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Post by dewryce on May 15, 2019 20:20:42 GMT
How will your attendance/non-attendance make your MIL feel? 40 years is a long time, retirement is a big life accomplishment. Personally, unless she is someone who would sincerely tell you she didn’t care and not to bother coming, I’d go. And even then, I’d want to honor her work so I’d probably still go.
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Post by workingclassdog on May 15, 2019 20:21:25 GMT
Nope wouldn't go.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,390
Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on May 15, 2019 20:27:06 GMT
I'd say nope. You weren't directly invited. He's not even going, so you are under no obligation to go. This. |
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Post by mrssmith on May 15, 2019 20:27:57 GMT
4 kids under the age of 6 with no DH there at the boss' house and not knowing anyone else? Hahahahahaha! Your idea about the rose bushes is more meaningful and you can have a nice dinner with them. Are you the Pea with the crazy in-law vacations?
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Post by disneypal on May 15, 2019 20:34:20 GMT
I think with your DH not going, and you not having a good sitter for the kids, then it seems perfectly logical for your to pass on the invite. If your DH was going, then of course I would suggest you go with him.
I would tell her that since DH is out of town, and you can't get a good sitter, that you can't attend. However, you, DH and the kids would love to take her out to dinner on another night to celebrate her retirement and then ask when a good day would be.
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Post by beaglemom on May 15, 2019 20:35:51 GMT
How will your attendance/non-attendance make your MIL feel? 40 years is a long time, retirement is a big life accomplishment. Personally, unless she is someone who would sincerely tell you she didn’t care and not to bother coming, I’d go. And even then, I’d want to honor her work so I’d probably still go. I'm not sure. When we asked her and fil about the retirement situation a number of months ago they said something about there being a work thing. And at the time, the way it was said it sounded like it was really a work thing and that she didn't expect us to come. I have also asked my father in law a couple times in the last 6 months about it and whether we were going to do something else for her as a family and got wishy washiness from him. |
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Post by beaglemom on May 15, 2019 20:37:10 GMT
4 kids under the age of 6 with no DH there at the boss' house and not knowing anyone else? Hahahahahaha! Your idea about the rose bushes is more meaningful and you can have a nice dinner with them. Are you the Pea with the crazy in-law vacations? yup! |
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